Stuck in a cycle of abuse - Problems with men

I don't know how to win a man's affection. I usually try to impress them with either my looks or sex appeal, which often leads to sex and me being used. I have a really high sex drive and if I feel sexy I feel worth something, I masturbate compulsively, like two or three times a day even when I am feeling depressed because I want to feel good about myself. It makes me feel sexy and I often talk about sex or my sexual experiences to men so that they will think I am an ideal woman. I want to be worshipped but once I have gained their sexual interest I want them to want me for me. I don't feel confident they will want me for me without first offering lots of sex in the relationship. Men often trick me into one night stands making me think they want a relationship but then they **** off. It makes me feel cheap and horrid and the cycle starts all over again to the next guy. I only want to be loved. The love I was taught from childhood by men was all sexual and this has been reinforced over and over again whilst growing up. I am convinced a man's love can only be bought through good sex and a woman willing to go the extra mile in the bedroom department. My past is ****** up, I was abused sexually as a child by my dad. He was the only father figure I've ever had but we ran away from him age 9. During childhood I was threatened by boys my age wanting to pin me against the wall playing kiss chase. I experimented with female friends, I thought I was a lesbian for a long time as men scared me. I was sexual with female friends during high school and had sexual relationships from the age of 13 with boys outside of high school. My first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was pressured again by the next boyfriend so I ended it. I was harassed in year 7 by boys in my class because they fancied me. Later I rebelled and became a goth and I was bullied in school. The boys would all call me ugly and a freak. I got a job at a local shop and the manager and assistant managers bullied me also. Though they clearly fancied me. One bullied me because I wouldn't be with him and forced me to kiss him. He trapped me and wouldn't let me go until I kissed him and I was scared so I did. The actual assistant manager molested me at 16 even though he was 28 but I got away. The next few months at work he also harassed me and I ended up leaving because he tried to rape me in the office but I defended myself and got away. He bullied me until I left the job afterwards, making me feel worthless. I got a bf eventually at college much later than the other girls but he was sex obsessed and ended up being abusive and anally raped me because I wouldn't allow him to go there, I didn't want to do that. It was brutal. He was abusive for 4 years, mostly sexually in a degrading way and made me feel like I needed to be like a porn star to be worthy of his attention. He would always compare me to other women and often strayed/cheated and advertised himself online. He was completely sex obsessed. I befriended someone and confided in them about my predicament and how sad I was, asking for their help but they got me drunk and raped me whilst I was unconscious. Then told me I was an easy target and it was just there on a plate. That really hurt. I did have a few sexual relationships or '**** buddy' relationships with people but these were often empty of any feeling. I got with someone in the end who I thought was a gentleman but he soon turned nasty and was just as sex obsessed, controlling and didn't seem to care about me much by the end of our relationship. He made me feel crazy and ****** up, tried to control me in every way and then when I thought we were ok and I was finally happier he blamed me for his depression and then cheated on me with a horrible girl. I met up again with the first bf who had dumped me for not sleeping with him, and he convinced me he had changed and was not an arsehole any more. He said sorry and we were going to date but then I got drunk and tried to impress him and dirty texting started. This led to a one night stand and then he completely lost interest. I did it again too and even did sexual things to try and impress him that I didn't really want to do. He went off me after that, he had got what he wanted. Nearly every guy friend I've had has tried to pressure me into sex or made me feel like an object or like that's all I'm good for. I don't feel like I get treated as an actual person by men. One of my best friends and me ended up doing stuff but he isn't interested as he is friends with my ex, even though I really like him, even now. He told me I would make a good porn star though, he used to tell me I was beautiful and was more of a gentleman but not any more, I think that got ruined when we started down this sexual path. Every guy says I should be a porn star or just seem to want sex. I feel so unloved as a person and unworthy of having a lasting relationship. I don't actually want everything to be sex sex sex I want love. But sex is the only way I know to show affection so I just feel like a lost cause I don't know how to fix myself or if its men that are the problem. I just feel like there must be something wrong with me or I have developed wrong and don't understand men because of my past. Do I need more therapy? I just want to live like a normal girl and not have to try so hard for attention because I get all the wrong attention or nothing. I don't know what is so off putting about me to all the nice men or if they even exist. I feel like I have a completely warped perception of love and relationships because of my own abuse throughout my life. It's a huge problem for me though. All I want is to be able to attract men without them wanting to use me or see me like some kind of object. I can't escape this feeling around men no matter who it is. Any help would be appreciated. I just don't want to be perceived as a plaything. It's just one big trigger for me and I don't want to spend my life reliving my abuse over and over. All I want is to find genuine love and have a healthy relationship and now I'm just scared and feel worthless, I am losing hope. I so badly need some self esteem but I don't know how to feel worthy as a person in a non sexual way. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[PassinThru]

I am sorry you are so frustrated and unhappy. You have a good understanding of what your problems are, which is to the good.  But because your situation is so complex, this is a job for the professional. Stick with therapy.

What does occur to me is that you may have developed a reputation in your community, which makes it more difficult for you to make important changes in your life. If this is so, is it possible to move to a new town and get a new job? That might help you get a new start.

[Nighthawk61]

From your post, i got that you need to develop your personality with hobbies, education, volunteer work, work, continued therapy and lay off men for awhile. Remember, you are only looking or the attention of one male, you don't have to be attractive to all men. In my experience, it's better to date before you offer sex. Find out about the man that you're dating. See what type of home life he's had, and what his values are. Make sure that he, and you, are "well rounded" and have many interests. Sex is only one part of life, and it sounds alot like you have forsaken much, and have focused only on sex. Get yourself into a good exercise program and focus your attention on proper nutrition. It sounds like you may find some support and knowledge of your condition if you research sex addictions. You obviously have had many traumatic experiences with sex and need to work through them with a therapist for the long run. Put sex on the back burner, and get to know men as friends, and not lovers.

There is a group called ACOA that deals with Dysfunctional Adult Children. (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) Maybe you can find some supportive friends there? Also, I would check out Sex Addicts Anonymous, and see if you can relate to people there, and work out your problems there?

Perhaps you're anxiety is causing you to act out sexually. I have many techniques used to help with anxiety on my journal pages. Also, taking CoQ10 and magnesium helped my son greatly with anxiety, when meds caused him many negative side effects. I like what PassinThru had to say also, about changing your environment. That could also help a great deal. It's hard to get out from underneath a bad habit, and pain from abuse, but it's doable. People have changed their lives, that have suffered from the same things as yourself, so keep the faith. And, speaking of faith, have you read any good spiritual reading lately? I posted on my journal pages, a old Christian Book from the 1800's that might get you in touch with a higher power. Believe me when I tell you that it can change your life. Good luck with all the things that you can be doing for your problems. Do more than have potential, put in the work, carefully.

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  and think you could use some time focusing on what you want to be liked and admired for.  

I want to be admired,  for example,  for my ability to teach and speak,  and my ability to work hard "behind the scenes" and get a LOT of stuff done.  I want to be admired for being completely reliable - if I'm working on something,  you don't have to supervise me,  I'm going to get it done on time,  and correctly.  I also want to be known for my love of animals and working hard to make life better for abandoned and rescued animals.

So,  could you write something like that for yourself and stick to working on it?

[EverGreeen]

I was sexually abused as a child by my dad, I was abused and raped by my first boyfriend and molested as a teenager. I was bullied at school and attacked and I have had repeated patterns of abuse and bad experiences with men all my life. Now I just seem to centre my life on sex. why do I want men to hurt me? I think I just expect it, like its normal, even though I know it isnt, well not for other people. Just for me because I am so damaged and incapable of being loved. I feel like its all my fault and by going along with it or encouraging it then I have total control of the situation so they cant hurt me. I feel really sad and ashamed about it but Im scared of men and I dont want to be scared I just want to please them so they will love me. Im so desperate to please I let men do anything to me. I let men talk to me like crap, I degrade myself so I am worthless to them like a *****. They seem to love it and all want it, so I go with it as if I didnt I am scared they will either reject me or force themselves on me. I cant say no and when I like a guy Im just so desperate for them to like me back I will go to any lengths to achieve that, though most of the time I am used and dumped or used and then feel like a **** because I know it was just sex to them. It's my way of showing love. I cant understand any of it. Im so confused and I feel like I have all this pressure on me to be like a porn star in sex, to please the guy and be legendary in bed. Reality is they probably just think I am a complete **** and ****** up piece of crap that anyone can get. So they take it. One guy said to me 'it was there' after raping me when unconscious drunk. I expect it, I expect this behaviour. No man wants me for me, even my own dad wanted me for sex and nothing else. Am I capable of being loved? I just want attention from men, its all the wrong attention though so maybe thats why I believe I am only good for sex, no one actually wants to date me. I just feel lost.

Self Beliefs:

I'm dead as a person
All I am good for is sex
All I am good at is sex
Sex is my source of self worth
Sex is the killer of my self respect
Men only want me for sex
I am not date/Girlfriend material to men
I am damaged
If I satisfy men then I am proud
If I am rejected I am inconsolable
I expect men to use me and leave me
If I can't offer sex I have nothing to offer
I use sex to try and find love
Sex is my way of expressing love
I enjoy degrading sex, because I believe all men like this
The dirtier the sex, the kinkier and more attractive I am
I watch/read porn that is degrading to women
I let men do whatever they want to me now, even if it is violent
I expect to be abused so I allow it to happen so I feel in control
I want men to abuse me and hurt me as I feel like I deserve it
I have no self worth
I think I am too damaged to be loved by a man
I deserve to be treated like crap

I don't want to think like that but it's stuck in my head. I am seeing a therapist atm so I hope that helps me. I do a lot of ice skating which I love and have recieved many medals in dancing on ice etc. I am proud of myself for that. Men are not interested in me for any of that though, just sex. I can't find a male who is normal. Am I attracting the wrong men? I'm just so unhappy. If men didn't exist then i wouldn't have so much pressure on me to find one and settle down. All I want is to marry and have kids and a family and find love, true love. I feel like I try too hard to find that through sex because thats the only male love Ive ever known from a very early age. It is hard to think differently of men when my beliefs have been reinforced over and over and over again. I am sick of it. But like I said, I just want control now. i am so scared and damaged. I am trying to concentrate on myself and distance myself from all men but everyone knows I am vulnerable and there are too many nasty ones trying to take advantage. i dont have the strength to fight them off so I give in. My life is miserable and lonely and I feel like Ive just grown to accept this is life. I dont know. I really just want to feel like a person.

[Nighthawk61]

Honey, it helps if you put your age, into your profile, so that people can understand where you're coming from (by relating to their own experiences at your age) so please edit that, so people can help you more. You might add, whether you're living at home, with your mom and/or dad? are you going to school, or working? Are you close to any positive responsible family members that understand your past and maybe want to help? Do you have pets, or anything consistent in your life? (like your ice dancing).

So the main thing here is, is anyone in your family aware of your being abused by your dad? do you seem him still? Do you have insurance for therapy?

I think that you should immediately contact ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). You haven't mentioned where you are in the United Kingdom, otherwise I would have found you the meeting schedule. You seem to need to vent, and you will be heard in this group. You need to forgive others for their part in your victimization, for whatever reason. Your dad is obviously mentally sick. You can forgive him from afar. You forgive people to get them off your radar. You can forgive an ignorant abusive slob so that you can find closure, and move on. It's not for the aggressor that we forgive, it is for us, to find the closure we need to move on to bigger and better things in our lives. Can you see that?

As for men, you need to stop making contact with them, for any thing other than the necessities, school or business. If I were you, I would definitely join a church group, so that you can get involved with people that are trying to live their lives with grace. Of course, you always must be on guard that there are those that take advantage of other's, so you have to be careful first of all, not to put yourself in the position of being alone with a man, until you get help for yourself.

It was suggested that you find hobbies, and while I appreciate that you are an ice dancer, that comes easy to you now, and it's important for you to not rest on your laurels, and challenge yourself in other ways, You have not talked at all about work challenges, or educational goals. It seems that these might be areas that your attention should be focused on immediately.

Honestly, If i was in your position (and I have been there in part) I would suggest that you not talk about this to new people in your life, (i'm not talking about medhelp), but allow yourself to live in the moment when meeting new people. The things that you're talking about should never have ever touched your life, because it's so uncomfortable for you, so you have to understand that new people that you meet will not know what to think of you , if you start off telling them all the worst there is to know about you. In other words, you need to calm down, and very slowly, open up with people about only the best things that are in your life, and you need to work on the other things with a therapist.

Please share with us what I asked in your profile, so that others wanting to help you can (ie. age, where your living, school, work, how often you skate etc, interests you have, or would like to explore).

You will find many to help you , if you can give us a bigger picture of what's happening in your life. I'll talk to you again soon, okay? Liz

[fentanyljunkie]

You have recvd some good advice.  Ill add my two cents.  I was much like u....once.  Now I dont care for sex much at all n found someone who loves me for me.  which is good.

U need to find a man who will love u.  Let him know sex wont b offered up front.  Dont share much of ur past.  they just use it to abuse u.  dress n act like a lady n talk like one n that will attract a diff kind of man driven to uuuuu....not ur body or what u have to give him.  

will pray for u

[Nighthawk61]

New Belief System

I am alive and my body is healthy, thank God.
I am good an excellent skater, and others see that.
I am looking to find my self worth, through work.
I am looking to find my self worth, through education.
I am looking to find my self worth, with the help of healthy people.
I will find help for myself.
I will forgive myself and others.
I am worthy of a good life, a husband, and a family.
My negativity will pass, and I will become positive.

[Nighthawk61]

I love what fentanyljunkie has said here. Absolutely, this is imperative to find your best life.

[Nighthawk61]

How long have you seen a therapist, and do you mind asking, what suggestions you have been given to use to change your status?