Temper and anger outbursts

[fens]

Somebody please help me.  My husband is a minister, he loves me more especially announcing it when infront of people.  I have always believed he loves me.  Before we got married I had two children, which is why I thought I would never get married again.  Until I met him and he proved to be too loving and caring even for my children.  The time we got married, everything changed.  He moved in to stay with us and the life was kind of good for a while, he started treating my children like his enemies that he is always looking for what to punish them for.  They are so loving and accepted him as their father because they are young with the oldest being 13 now and the other 7.  I fell preganant with his own child whom he loves to bits and can not hide it; while he can not even play or share jokes with the other yet he claims to love them and they even answer his surname because I was a single parent.  He is, most of his time in the house very very upset about something.  Even if he is from somewhere and he came happy, the moment he comes in he will look for faults on what the children did not do right dishes or wathching tv or poor marks at school etc.  THe TV which I bought befor he came was more for my children but now they can not even watch it, if he finds them watching TV he will ask them if they have studied and they know everything in their books?  or have they cleaned the yard or anything.  If he finds us happy sharing jokes and laughing he will be mad at them he quickly looks for something they did not do right and beats them or shouts to the top of his voice which is even naturally deep and when he raises it it scares anyone around including me.  when I tell him how unhappy I am about that he always end up being angry with me and say I am spoiling the kids.  We were very happy before he  came. He made me get into debts also by marrying him as I sponsored the wedding since he is a minister and told me that he does music programms and make money from them.  Up to now in almost two years of marriage he brings nothing home, I feed him, I pay for both our cars, food, I can nolonger be able to provide to my satisfaction for my children's needs and we are becoming poorer.  He wants to do business but I am the one who should sponsor him or else he has nothing do do and it all comes back to me. He stays at home and watch TV the whole day but be shouting at us, he can not talk smoothly, there is nothing we can discuss that does not lead to him upset no matter how softly I talk to him.  He can not work because he is a foreigner in this country and a minister and believes that God provides for our needs, which I do too but don't believe in lazyness.  If I talk to him about something I'm not happy about he will always have the best way to make me the guilty one and he is good with words.  I feel sorry for him because I am the only person helping him yet he treats me liek a piece of nothing.  I once thought of sending him away and thought of where would he go, he does not want to go to his country.  He has a child there and an ex but he says they parted long before he came here and I believed him.  I have heard him telling his ex to leave him alone one day she called and he reminded her that they are not together and she had no reason calling him so I believed him.

The way he acts it is like there is something bothering him he is not sharing with us thus the anger outbursts everyday.  Everything around him upserts him, even a little conversation about something like what you saw on the road home, he will turn the whole thing to be a personal issue where he ends up blaming people how stupid they are or the government, etc.  I am tired of living an unhappy life with my children.  I know that in the church and infront of people we look like a happy couple because he is always praising me and evrybody knows how much I am lucky to have such a husband who loves me so much.  Please somebody help me on what should I do.  I am confused, I wish to have my old life back with happy children not children who are always scared even to eat an apple when he is around because they will be wasting food even though their mother is the one buying it.  

[treazzure007]

don't say anything.  let him sort his legal issues out.  prepare to leave or begin a life without him.  my heart goes out to you and your dilemma but more so to those children that count on a parent to love them, protect them, and put their wellbeing before all things.  

[fens]

Thank you for the responses

The children honestly hate him now but they are with him because of me.  I have just another bigger problem which is making it worse now that it has come up; It is said that he was married to another woman whom he did not break with properly but left his country; when he got here he met me and we married.  Now the issue is coming up that the affiliate church is accusing him of bigamy; he is upset with them and me too that I should be giving support to him and fight for him but I can not fight for this becasue I have never been to his country and don't know the real truth of it.  I said let him go and sort it out there; (of course when he goes I will not give him and opportunity to come back).  He says I don't trust him when I encourage him to go and talk with the people involved.  What should I say, nothing, it is his problem and he alone can sort it out.  It is even worse because he does not treat us well so there is nothing to fight for.

[margypops]

Glad you have gone to your Church for help, it is your children you have to protect, it could be possible with a lot of anger management and counceling tha the will realise he is going to lose you and them,.there could be some hope, Families should stay together if it is possible.Looking forward to hearing from you.

[jo929]

So sorry i thought you were from the states jo

[fens]

Yes in South Africa it seems we follow diferrent values than you guys (overseas) but even with that nobody is allowed to abuse one another in the realtionship.  The government has even imposed high fines on violance against women and children.  Thank you for your caring and advise; I am already working at it.  I have sought assistance from the mother body of the church and leagally.  I will keep you all my girlfriends posted on what transpires.  

[margypops]

I appreciate we are saying all this to you and you live in another Country where the values of Family are perhaps differant than ours, You probably need help from someone who would more understand those values and the Authority Fathers have in your country , you do need help so try to get someone and tell as you told it to us, the way he is.and the way he is with the children. I wish I could be of more help to you Keep in touch so we hear how you get through this.

[jo929]

If you have the money talk with a lawyer, if not then ask an official, the police or someone connected to the law in some way, they can give you advice, is there anyone that can take the children a few days and tell him they wanted to visit granma. they just may have to see them take, him, because it sounds like he could get worse, and i have seen people that have been abused broken arm, legs face, nose broken get him out as fast as possible he is a menace,also i know this one lady that married a man that did not have a green card he was here illegally, he was the same as your husband it started out with small things and escalated, they had 2 children, it was later found out that he had 2 other families where he came from and one here in the states she had him deported i wish i knew more maybe later someon may come on that knows more you might call the immigration office and they can tell you what to do

[fens]

Thank you for the responses;  when he beats them I always try talking to him that he is beating them too hard yet they are small; after that he becomes angry with me saying I want to destroy them because I don't want him to discipline them.  At the end we don't talk, I have made up my mind to get him to go back to his country because his residential permit is dependant on me appearing with him at the National registry office every year until after five years of marriage.  I have since heard that he left a wife in his country, yet he told me they had been separated for years before he left to comehere.  But then any confrontation is never healthy with him because at the end he wins any argument and I remain the bad one.  So asking him anything and how I feel does not work with him,  I think now I have to work on how to get him out of our lives.  But I wish to know how to send him away because we can not go it is our house, but he has to go.  I wish to find a way that will not make the children feel I am ruthless too becasue as mean as he is, but they know him to be the father in the house.  How can best can I do it?  Has anyone been through something like this?

[damselfly]

Do NOT be a party to your children's abuse.  They need you to be their advocate!

[margypops]

This is not a good enviroment for the children and you need to address that before anything else , if he is as bad towards the children as you say,you must give this prority, the only way if it was to work at all would be for him to accept his behavior and go for anger management and Family counseling. You really need to call and speak to someone about your options ,as he may say he is not going to get help and you willl have to leave.You cannot consider what he will do you have to focus on the children and ypour self., ask him to get help if he wont you should leave.Let us know what you decide to do.

[jo929]

leave him looks like there is no marriage to save you make the living anyway/.Is this the way a man of God should act????