Aa
Victim of sexual abuse
I was sexually abused starting at around the age of 5 and it lasted till I was 12. It was brought on by an older step brother and was not a bad experience. It was actually very pleasurable. While this was happening I was also being physically abused by my step mother....neither one knowing what the other was doing. At that time all I knew was the physical abuse felt bad and the sexual abuse felt good. However I am now in my early 30's and have never really found my sexual identity through the years. For the most part I always went for older guys. I realized a couple of years ago that I was stuck in a cycle of reliving my sexual abuse. Since then doors have opened up for dating women and I now have a desire to be with women at times but there are still times that I think about men. Almost like jekyl and hyde. I almost feel like since the door was opened for me then there is no going back. Could I be bi-sexual, or maybe still havent dealt with certain sexual abuse issues. I get turn on by both sexes. Confused...Would be helpful to hear from other guys who have had similar situation.
I had this posted in a different forum..thought I would move it over here
I had this posted in a different forum..thought I would move it over here
Hi, buddy:
It takes a lot of courage for those of us guys who were sexually abused as children to open our mouths. (Yes, I AM one, to be clear.) It's harder still when you're gay, like I am.
I cannot tell you the number of idiots who have asked me if I did anything to trigger the abuse. - because I'm gay, you see - so I must have been asking for it. After i told them I was pre-puberty.
I can sympathize with some of the confusion, although I was only molested twice, by strangers, when I was about 10. (I date it to when I had behavioral problems is school. Of COURSE, I never told anyone - at ten I didn't understand what happened to me!) That was 50 years ago -
(Yes, you're math is very good, I just turned 60 on 7/2 - and if anyone is wondering why I am being so light toned and glib - it's very painful for both of us guys, so this is my defense - silly humor. Deal with it.)
(as i was saying before my nervousness and anger interrupted myself) - That was 50 years ago, and back then, every 10th TV show wasn't about child abuse - NO TV show or movie even talked about unwed mothers. So I had no idea what it was that happened to me.
i just knew that i LIKED the first one - where one older guy - he was probably in is 20's but to a kid, he seemed really mature and old.who was sort of baby sitting me - well, did it.
The second incident was shortly after. a group of teenaged boys in the locker room caught me staring at them, pushed me in the stall shower after shouting abusive words at me i had never heard before, and took turns using me. although I hated it, I am still aroused by locker rooms, stall showers, and displays of aggression.
There are a few reasons I am being vague.
First of all, as a (retired) social worker, I am aware that specific sexual language can be a trigger that can cause anxiety and other symptoms for other survivors, and i do not want to hurt anyone.
Second of all - and more important - a LOT of kids who were molested, especially if it happened before puberty and stopped before puberty - even if it was ongoing - have trouble remembering the details. It is very common. I was over 30 before I realized it was 2 separate events - and that it was sexual.
I have a personal theory on this. Children just don't have the vocabulary to store the memories. If i didn't know the word for what was being done, and had no concept of sex (there weren't these sexually explicit videos on TV back then - or sex ed starting in kindergarten) HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO "FILE AWAY" THE DETAILS? It took another man telling HIS story at an AA meeting when I was 34 for me to suddenly put 2 and 2 together. I spent 5 hours on the phone with that blessed man that night, crying and remembering. He was the one who reassured me that not all kids remember everything. I call it "Hitting the Wall G*d put there to protect me".Every once in awhile, I remember a tiny new detail of the first episode.
For those paying attention - yes, i'm a sober alcoholic since 2/29/84 - Leap Day. I'm mentioning it because I believe one of the main reasons I drank was to drown the confusion of those memories - and the pain. G*d waited until I was sober almost a year to direct me to a meeting which I had never been to before to hear a guy I vaguely knew suddenly be moved to talk about his sexual abuse, a subject he spoke about rarely. He told me that night on the phone that he had not planned on sharing about it - it just popped out. Well, that was because I was there and needed to hear HIM talk about it - i'm not sure that a stranger talking about it would have been as powerful, or a woman, or a man who had been molested for a long period of time. He had an almost identical story to mine, except that he had a few more episodes with his molester. "G*d works in mysterious ways..."
A few days later, I was at my usual Wednesday lunchtime meeting, and was telling them about it. An older man who worked for the same company as me, who I sort of looked at as a mentor, was sitting in the circle opposite me, and staring at me in horror.I kept thinking: "He hates me now. but I had to continue telling the Truth.
At the end of the meeting, I sat in my seat, wiped out at my first public telling of this story. He walked behind me, put a hand on my shoulder, and leaned down. He whispered in my ear."The same thing happened to me. Thank you for telling it. I never had the courage. My wife doesn't even know." (She was also a member of the group - they met there, in fact.)
And guess who told his story of being a survivor the next Wednesday, holding my hand on one side and his wife's on the other?
As for you identity confusion, buddy. (Could you give us a name - ANY name? I can't call you "6". (G) ) As for your identity - RELAX. Has anyone been asking you to put it in stone lately?
Try out these words from the Broadway musical "La Cage Aux Folles" song: "I Am What I Am":
"I Am What I Am - I am my own special creation,
So, come take a look, give me the hook, or the ovation!
There's one life, so there's no return and no deposit,
One life, so it's time to open up your Closet...
Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out,
I AM WHAT I AM!"
(Yes, I know that I mixed up some verses there)
and from a different verse: "Why not try to see life from a different angle?"
What I'm trying to say is that you can try saying for awhile:
"I AM A HUMAN BEING - GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
Hey, 6, - if they do - send them to ME - I'll knock them on their heads with my cane! (g)
(PS: It's not like i had an easy time with MY sexual identity - I went the other way - slept with women after 20, after a period of early teen fooling around with buddies and then NOTHING at all until 20, except dating "nice girls". I didn't fully come out until I was 25. I was majorly confused - sound familiar, 6?)
Rainbow Ike
It takes a lot of courage for those of us guys who were sexually abused as children to open our mouths. (Yes, I AM one, to be clear.) It's harder still when you're gay, like I am.
I cannot tell you the number of idiots who have asked me if I did anything to trigger the abuse. - because I'm gay, you see - so I must have been asking for it. After i told them I was pre-puberty.
I can sympathize with some of the confusion, although I was only molested twice, by strangers, when I was about 10. (I date it to when I had behavioral problems is school. Of COURSE, I never told anyone - at ten I didn't understand what happened to me!) That was 50 years ago -
(Yes, you're math is very good, I just turned 60 on 7/2 - and if anyone is wondering why I am being so light toned and glib - it's very painful for both of us guys, so this is my defense - silly humor. Deal with it.)
(as i was saying before my nervousness and anger interrupted myself) - That was 50 years ago, and back then, every 10th TV show wasn't about child abuse - NO TV show or movie even talked about unwed mothers. So I had no idea what it was that happened to me.
i just knew that i LIKED the first one - where one older guy - he was probably in is 20's but to a kid, he seemed really mature and old.who was sort of baby sitting me - well, did it.
The second incident was shortly after. a group of teenaged boys in the locker room caught me staring at them, pushed me in the stall shower after shouting abusive words at me i had never heard before, and took turns using me. although I hated it, I am still aroused by locker rooms, stall showers, and displays of aggression.
There are a few reasons I am being vague.
First of all, as a (retired) social worker, I am aware that specific sexual language can be a trigger that can cause anxiety and other symptoms for other survivors, and i do not want to hurt anyone.
Second of all - and more important - a LOT of kids who were molested, especially if it happened before puberty and stopped before puberty - even if it was ongoing - have trouble remembering the details. It is very common. I was over 30 before I realized it was 2 separate events - and that it was sexual.
I have a personal theory on this. Children just don't have the vocabulary to store the memories. If i didn't know the word for what was being done, and had no concept of sex (there weren't these sexually explicit videos on TV back then - or sex ed starting in kindergarten) HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO "FILE AWAY" THE DETAILS? It took another man telling HIS story at an AA meeting when I was 34 for me to suddenly put 2 and 2 together. I spent 5 hours on the phone with that blessed man that night, crying and remembering. He was the one who reassured me that not all kids remember everything. I call it "Hitting the Wall G*d put there to protect me".Every once in awhile, I remember a tiny new detail of the first episode.
For those paying attention - yes, i'm a sober alcoholic since 2/29/84 - Leap Day. I'm mentioning it because I believe one of the main reasons I drank was to drown the confusion of those memories - and the pain. G*d waited until I was sober almost a year to direct me to a meeting which I had never been to before to hear a guy I vaguely knew suddenly be moved to talk about his sexual abuse, a subject he spoke about rarely. He told me that night on the phone that he had not planned on sharing about it - it just popped out. Well, that was because I was there and needed to hear HIM talk about it - i'm not sure that a stranger talking about it would have been as powerful, or a woman, or a man who had been molested for a long period of time. He had an almost identical story to mine, except that he had a few more episodes with his molester. "G*d works in mysterious ways..."
A few days later, I was at my usual Wednesday lunchtime meeting, and was telling them about it. An older man who worked for the same company as me, who I sort of looked at as a mentor, was sitting in the circle opposite me, and staring at me in horror.I kept thinking: "He hates me now. but I had to continue telling the Truth.
At the end of the meeting, I sat in my seat, wiped out at my first public telling of this story. He walked behind me, put a hand on my shoulder, and leaned down. He whispered in my ear."The same thing happened to me. Thank you for telling it. I never had the courage. My wife doesn't even know." (She was also a member of the group - they met there, in fact.)
And guess who told his story of being a survivor the next Wednesday, holding my hand on one side and his wife's on the other?
As for you identity confusion, buddy. (Could you give us a name - ANY name? I can't call you "6". (G) ) As for your identity - RELAX. Has anyone been asking you to put it in stone lately?
Try out these words from the Broadway musical "La Cage Aux Folles" song: "I Am What I Am":
"I Am What I Am - I am my own special creation,
So, come take a look, give me the hook, or the ovation!
There's one life, so there's no return and no deposit,
One life, so it's time to open up your Closet...
Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out,
I AM WHAT I AM!"
(Yes, I know that I mixed up some verses there)
and from a different verse: "Why not try to see life from a different angle?"
What I'm trying to say is that you can try saying for awhile:
"I AM A HUMAN BEING - GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
Hey, 6, - if they do - send them to ME - I'll knock them on their heads with my cane! (g)
(PS: It's not like i had an easy time with MY sexual identity - I went the other way - slept with women after 20, after a period of early teen fooling around with buddies and then NOTHING at all until 20, except dating "nice girls". I didn't fully come out until I was 25. I was majorly confused - sound familiar, 6?)
Rainbow Ike
Hi there,
It can be awkward not fitting into one of the more mainstream categories. But an awful lot of people who are superficially straight or gay aren't really as clear-cut as they seem, and I would guess that maybe one in ten "straight" men and probably more "straight" women have been with a partner of their own sex at some stage. And just about every gay person I know has been with someone of the opposite sex, either because they didn't know they were gay or they were just trying to conform to the straight "norm".
The biggest thing with getting other people to accept you is confidence; if you are (or, for now, appear to be) completely comfortable with yourself, I think most people will accept you as you are without a second thought. A good friend of mine is gay but grew up in a very conservative family so has always been a bit uncomfortable with it; a big group of us met at uni and became great friends. It took him three years to work up the courage to tell us he was gay, and when he did we were all like "Oh, OK then. Could you pass me a beer?". It completely took the wind out of his sales, he'd over-thought it so much he was expecting us to at least kick him out if not lynch him! There will always be the odd idiot who has a problem with you, but you can probably do without them anyway.
You're a lot more forgiving than I would be of your abusers; I hope you can make peace with yourself as well. Best of luck!
It can be awkward not fitting into one of the more mainstream categories. But an awful lot of people who are superficially straight or gay aren't really as clear-cut as they seem, and I would guess that maybe one in ten "straight" men and probably more "straight" women have been with a partner of their own sex at some stage. And just about every gay person I know has been with someone of the opposite sex, either because they didn't know they were gay or they were just trying to conform to the straight "norm".
The biggest thing with getting other people to accept you is confidence; if you are (or, for now, appear to be) completely comfortable with yourself, I think most people will accept you as you are without a second thought. A good friend of mine is gay but grew up in a very conservative family so has always been a bit uncomfortable with it; a big group of us met at uni and became great friends. It took him three years to work up the courage to tell us he was gay, and when he did we were all like "Oh, OK then. Could you pass me a beer?". It completely took the wind out of his sales, he'd over-thought it so much he was expecting us to at least kick him out if not lynch him! There will always be the odd idiot who has a problem with you, but you can probably do without them anyway.
You're a lot more forgiving than I would be of your abusers; I hope you can make peace with yourself as well. Best of luck!
Thank you....thats about all I can say. You have read me like a book. And you are right the only person that is making me choose is myself. I do feel like I have dealt with the abuse and have forgiven my abusers and actually deep down I hope when the time comes that they need to make peace with themselves that they are able to do so and be able to forgive themselves and move on. I hold no ill feelings toward either of them. I guess my problem is I don't fit into one specific thing and it worries me that people will not understand me. This is the point in my life that I need to learn to be me and embrace myself for me.
Thank you again to all who posted.
Thank you again to all who posted.
I would say I agree with soggymoggy, and if it is concerning you some counselling would help, be yourself stop ,worrying about it, I expect sooner or later you will make a choice either way ..Good luck
Hi there,
OK, so obviously I'm not a man who's gone through the same thing - but one of my closest friends had very similar experiences in his childhood (in his case, half-brother and step-dad), so I know a little about it.
It sounds like you're worrying about exactly the same thing my friend did - your sexuality, and how it relates to the abuse you endured. I can understand why this is a concern for you, as naturally you would not want to think that the abuse altered who you might have been as a person, or that something that took place so long ago could define you now.
What helped my friend was more a change in perspective than an answer, as such. He simply learned to see that gender is a fairly minor part of what makes a person; he now has relationships with men, women and transgender people, and describes himself as "ambisexual". What this means is that he doesn't feel the need to define himself by the gender/s of his partners, and is attracted to the person rather than to their gender.
Allow me to say that it sounds like you're dealing admirably with what happened you to a child; the only thing I can suggest is that you try to stop worrying about your sexuality. I know people who are straight, gay, experimental, bisexual, ambisexual, transgender, asexual - and they're all just people. There's no magic way of seeing what you would have been had the abuse never taken place, and continuing to dwell on its effects means you're continuing to give your abusers power over you.
If you think you haven't made peace with what happened, by all means see a counselor; but with respect to your sexuality specifically, just relax. No one's making you choose, and it's not like if you say "I want to be with a man" you can never change your mind!
Best of luck.
OK, so obviously I'm not a man who's gone through the same thing - but one of my closest friends had very similar experiences in his childhood (in his case, half-brother and step-dad), so I know a little about it.
It sounds like you're worrying about exactly the same thing my friend did - your sexuality, and how it relates to the abuse you endured. I can understand why this is a concern for you, as naturally you would not want to think that the abuse altered who you might have been as a person, or that something that took place so long ago could define you now.
What helped my friend was more a change in perspective than an answer, as such. He simply learned to see that gender is a fairly minor part of what makes a person; he now has relationships with men, women and transgender people, and describes himself as "ambisexual". What this means is that he doesn't feel the need to define himself by the gender/s of his partners, and is attracted to the person rather than to their gender.
Allow me to say that it sounds like you're dealing admirably with what happened you to a child; the only thing I can suggest is that you try to stop worrying about your sexuality. I know people who are straight, gay, experimental, bisexual, ambisexual, transgender, asexual - and they're all just people. There's no magic way of seeing what you would have been had the abuse never taken place, and continuing to dwell on its effects means you're continuing to give your abusers power over you.
If you think you haven't made peace with what happened, by all means see a counselor; but with respect to your sexuality specifically, just relax. No one's making you choose, and it's not like if you say "I want to be with a man" you can never change your mind!
Best of luck.
Hi, glad to see you have posted on this forum as well I'm sure you'll get some replies from men that have dealt with the same thing.If you scroll down the posts here you'll see there are posts written by males.If there is anything I can help you with feel free to PM me.Good Luck
Denise
Denise
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