WHAT WOULD YOU DO??

Hi guys, I'm releatively new to this forum, and I came across it in an effort to "try" to resolve some terrible issues in my life.--I'm sure this will be somewhat long, but I want to give you a good idea of what's tearing at me.---I am a 43 yr old F, that has had a relatively rough life/time.---I was adopted at 7 by a family that I "thought" would want/love/desire me.--As I grew up, I realized that that was not the case, and I guesss you can say, I never bonded with them.--I always felt like a 3rd Wheel.---I grew up, had 2 girls and ALWAYS tried to do the best I could.--Each challenge was a struggle.  Back in 91 my "father" had passed away, and my "mother" had asked me to move up next to her in the "spare" house they had.--I did, to save on rent, be next to her, just whatever.----Over the years, quite often I ran into financial hardships being a single mothre w/2 kids, paying bills,groceries, etc....And over the years my mother has helped me out with that as she financially could (money was not a problem or issue when I was growing up, and even now)(for my mother).--So, each time I ran into an "issue" she would "offer" to help, and I let her help.----Well, onto the hardest part and latest thing that is just ripping me a part is, approximately 3-4 months ago I was dx'd with MS. A TRUE SHOCK AND SCARY CONCEPT FOR ME.(As it's gonna be ME that this disease will eat up and spit out).-- From the absolute beginning she has REFUSED to acknowledge that Yes, I have MS, and that in the short time of Dx, it's eaten/taken ALOT away from what used to be me.(Steady walking, cognigtive issues, just whatever)--(the Dr's figured I've had it about 15-20 yrs, so it's almost reaching it's max now),  she just will not beleive that I have MS.---Recently I lost my job due to doing something really stupid at work, and since then things with my mother have gotten TERRIBLE AND OUT OF PROPORTION.---After she found out I was laid off, she has turned ABSOLUTELY COLD AND DISREGARDING. Now, my mother and I have not always been very close, as I said I never really bonded with her growing up and she kinda made it clear to me that she never bonded with me.She really was'nt ever a very loving mother, growing up.---But, after losing my job, she has gone to be just terrible with me.---She knows I was struggling financially before losing my job, and since all this happened she has told me that she regrets EVER adopting me because I've been such a screw up to her over the years, (a disgrace in her eyes), tells me that how me having MS messes up "her life"(Oh really, what about my life!!!) and I'm a disgrace for "getting" MS! (She must think ya catch MS at the local damn grocery store or something!!!!), she has told me that she DOES NOT care what happens to me, and does not want me in the house next to her, as I am nothing but a failure/disgrace/ and I ruin her image in the community (which has been HUGE to her over the years)---always saying "What will the neighbors think?---She knows I was struggling with the utilities---getting meds or whatever, and now that I'm unemployed it's 100x's harder/worse.----And she has screamed at me that she will not help or bail me out anymore.---She told me that she does not care whether the utilities get shut off and I freeze or whatever.--She does'nt care if I have food or not.--And said she could give a **** if I have my meds or not.--Basically she has said---she could care less if I end up on the streets. This is also a woman that threw the Xmas presents I managed to get her, --back at me and said I don't want anything from you.Take em back and get your money back.----I told her I NEED my meds and that I don't have the money for the co-pay's, I have'nt gotten groceries since Thanksgiving, just really in a bind.--Obviously I am not gonna be able to maintain the utilities here, and it's a matter of time before they get shut off.----In talking with people at Public Assistance, tehy said due to the huge amount of people applying lately, it'll be about 3-4 weeks before I get anything.-----I guess what is just tearing me up is HOW--WHY???----How and why would a so-called mother NOT want to offer any help to her daughter!!!How is it and why would she care less if I can't walk due to Ms, and say I don't care if you end up on the streets.--How do you say, You think I'm a disgrace, and that you regret adopting me!!--How you could careless if I have anything to eat.---Just basically that she cares about me as much as you would the trash along the curb!!---Yet, this is a woman that is very active in the community, almost "perfect" in the eyes of the community, that has more money then she knows what to do with, always worries what everyone else will think, but could give a rat's furry a*# about her "daughter" with a debilitating disease, could care less if she is homeless, whatever.--Talk about what the neighbors will think?!  What will they think when they realize she's done that to her own family!----How could a mother do that to a daughter???---I guess I just don't comprehend that.----I want to tell her--to have her see--that I am NOT a screw up cuz I have MS, I'm NOT a disgrace, I'm NOT a lousy person/peice of ****!!---I may have screwed up over the years (as we all do), that I may have turned to her to help me out when I was behind the 8-ball (she would offer to help out, so I would accept)---but that how in God's name can you allow someone you "claim" as a daughter to go without food, MUCH NEEDED MEDS, heat, shelter, whatever!!--I TRULY need to get my MS meds refilled as I don't have the money for the co-pays, so I have;nt been able to get them and BOY OH BOY is my body paying for it,  The pain is "unique" to say the least. 2 of the meds I need are for helping me to walk better, and not have leg spasms that prevent you from standing/walking, whatever.--1 med is for my heart, and 2 other one's are to "assist" the other meds for pain.--Cuz I'll tell ya this---MS IS A VERY PAINFUL DISEASE! ---It's like I want to say to her,  OK, I understand not helping with the heat and all, (I guess), but how and why in God's name would you let me go without food or meds!! And tell me you want me out of my house and don't care where I end up.---So, guys, I'm hoping ANYONE of you guys can give me an insight as to why she's being this way---or what I could try to do.-----I just can't beleive all this.---How she can be so cruel/heartless, whatever.--Thinking and telling me I'm a disgrace--a screw up, just whatever.----So, if ya can guys, give me an insight----something that'll make me feel a "tad" better inside.---And NOT WANT TO END IT ALL!!---Anything to just end the pain----from her.  So I'm looking forward to your help.---THANKS

[RockRose]

spitfire,  I'm sorry this is happening to you.  My dear sister in law was dx with MS 7 years ago,  and we are very close to my brother and sister in law,  so I've been a part of hearing about her struggles - both emotionally and physically.  

Are you in an MS support group?  You really need to be around people who understand the mystery of this dreadful disease,  and live with the ups and downs you are experiencing,  even with out your whacked out mother.

I will say,  that my SIL had kind of a similar experience with her mother.    Her mother is a fraction as harsh as yours - your mother has really expressed some unbelievably ugly things to you - but your story struck a cord with me.

After she was DXed,  and my family surrounded her with support - offering car transportation,  help with the house,  emotional support,  etc.,  her mother called her a crybaby and emailed my whole family saying as long as we continue to coddle her,  she will continue to fake sickness.  I still can't believe,  reading that email,  that could come from a mother.

Maybe because MS is so hit and miss,  and good days and bad days,  and kind of a mystery to understand and treat some people dismiss it and refuse to see the ravages of this illness.  

I wonder if you can talk to your clinic or insurance company about your copay?  So many of these MS medications have to be taken regularly,  or you lose significant ground.  I know there is a LOT of research and forward progress with the treatment of MS right now, so there is so much hope for you,  but not if you can't take your meds as prescribed.

There must be resources for you, since what your asking is so small - a waiver of co-pay for a few months or so.

Please,  find an MS support group.   It will give you strength you need to keep soldiering on for your children.

Prayers for you.  

[spitfire989]

Thank you so much for getting back to my post.---It means ALOT to me.--Yes, i do belong to a MS support group, and they are very good about helping me to understand and somewhat cope with the **** this disease is doing to me.--ANd as far as looking into "help" for the meds, i just seem to run into a brick wall.--Either they'll help out AFTER about 2 weeks of papaerwork, proof, yaddy,yaddy,yaddy, or they can't help because i "don't" fall within their requirements.--I fully know that if I do not take the meds (which some of them i have not been able to take for a couple of weeks already), that you lose serious ground as to what will happen to your body.~~~I already see it with my body.--I know the loss I have now is a permanant loss. But there is nothing I can do about it.~~~I ENVY your sister-in-law, as at least she had someone or people to be there for her as far helping out with various things.---My mother has refused to do ANYTHING for me (remember---she blames me for getting MS).---Not once has she offered to go to the store for me, to get groceries or much of anything, NOT ONCE has she offered to shovel my patio or a path when we have a snow storm or whatever.--NOT ONCE has she offered to help me with housework, even when I tell her--there are times I just don't have the energy to do it.---NOT ONCE has she offered anything.---AND SHE LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!!----I am too much of a burden and disgrace to her.---She would rather see me homeless, and or withering on the streets, then to have to or want to deal with the likes of me --I guess.----I'm just tired of being without my meds, food, assistance, just whatever,  I never once expected her to take care of me--(I DON'T NEED THAT), i JUST WOULD LIKE SOME HELP.---And to feel that I'm a human being.---As I said in my post----I just CAN NOT comprehend why she hates me so much and wishes and tells me that she does not want me around.---Ok, I may have screwed up in the past, done things I should'nt have, but that does'nt mean I'm a peice of trash--that does'nt mean I should be on the streets withering/hungry.--It does'nt mean that I should have to suffer the consequences of not having my meds.----It does'nt mean I don't have feelings or whatever,---I wish I just knew why she hates me other then apparently I make "HER" look bad in the community.---She is real good/has been real good about using her money as a control issue.--It's like she sits in her big white mansion and is real good about making it look like she's a saint to the community---but what goes on behind closed doors or how she is at home, is not the person she is in public.-----Tell me RockRose---why would a mother do this to her daughter?!!---Ok, I may not be "blood'---but SHE chose to make me a part of the so called family, by adopting me.--Ok, as said, I may have messed up alot over the years, and she has had to help me out financially over the years (she offered to help),----Ok, I may have a very nasty disease,----but with all that being said and done---why in God's name would she and is she doing this to me??---I can't understand why she tells me she wishes she never adopted me, tells me she does'nt care if every last utility gets shut off, tells me Oh well to your meds, to telling me she could careless if I have no food or a way to get any.----I COULD NOT --NOR WOULD NOT EVER EVER SAY THAT TO MY GIRLS!!!! It would NEVER matter to me what they did in the past or whatever---I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM 100%!!!-----But, what my so-called mother says to me is so devastating and hurtful!!!! I just wish sometimes I had cancer and just dies.---And ALOT of the times I just wish I would die.---Just to end my pain/misery.----Well, I'd like to hear from you again if your interested.  But, as said--Thank You for getting bacvk to me.=====Liz

[RockRose]

I don't know,  Spitfire.  Like MommyDearest,  a perfectly lovely mother in the eyes of the public,  but behind closed doors . . .   There really doesn't seem to be any way to explain that kind of coldness in your time of need.    Very frustrating and hurtful.  

Have you at least been able to fill out the paperwork so although you have a waiting period,  the waiting time at least has started to tick away?    

[AnnaE]

Get disability with the help of anttorney. It speeds the way and

Do to the couty or university hospital/clinic and ask for help.

Call your 211 or the community referral service

Go to the food stamp office and get emergency food stams. It is not much but it is a start.

The community referral office will help you with resources.

[AnnaE]

continued

The county mental health department can help you find an appropriate group, ask the county hospital/university clinic referral service for the same help plus RX assistance.

I would go to your mother and confront her, I think she is perhaps afraid of losing too many dollars. Tell her about all the help you are working on and ask her to seriously think if she wants your heath to deteriorate in the meantime. Does she really want to have to live with damaging you. Does she really want to damage her relationship with your children. Tell her to talk to a minister or a counselor so that she can understand the difficult reality of this situation. Yell her you are worried about you, your children and her, too because she is out of tough with reality.

Find all the counseling/support services you can. Go to the national ms web page and you will find referrals to nearby resouces, I hope.

I apologize that I am the first survivor/counselor to answer you; sometimes we are tied up with life/death situations.

You will find help here. Help that will strengthen you n=and help you to understand.

There are two MS forums here an ms community forum and an ms expert forum/ on the forum dir, the community pages are on the left and the MD expert forum is on the right.

I had to read your posts quickly, because there are 2 suicidal survivors we ahr helping you today if I missed anything, if you need anything, just email any survivor/counselor/appropriate person here, including me , amphitrite, momagain 59, margypops, faithfulchild. You can recognize the survivors and appropriate persons be cause they identify themselves, and they are actively caring about YOU.

The survivors her care and want to support you. You might also consider counseling and antidepressant.anxiety medication or other meds. I know med $ are a problem, but one step, or a few steps at a time.

I wish you Help right away. Go the the minister/rabbi/priest with your mother.

Most of us here have had har times/especially those cause by family who withhold love/support and financial help that we are all entitled to.

Anna

[Amphitrite]

Spitfire, In a way I understand what your going through though I don't have MS I have Interstitial Cystitis and ithe only thing I need to maintain is pain, my aunt has MS and I know all to well what your going through and especially how expensive the meds can be abd the co-pays for those meds can be, especially if your so far along and they have tou on different things.

But my mother has always disregarded my disease as anything more than a tummy ache. I'm adopted and I never bonded with my mother because she had two biologicl children that she treated very differently and one of her children would tell me basically that I was worthless and that no one wanted me there and if I went back to where I came from everyone would be happy.
When I went crying to my parents, they only made me apologize for whatever I did wrong. I think I took one of her nail polishes out of her room or something.
They said nothing to my sister so I felt like it was completely true.

As I got older my mother and I would have awful arguments. And when I got married it was if she was free of me.
I remember one time my husband and I had a very bad fight, terrible(I won't say what happened). But I called and asked if I could come and stay over there for a night or two. She saod No. I said But I don't feel safe here. She still refused. And then I asked her what if him and I seperated(what happened was that bad). And she said no, knowing I can't work because of my bladder disease and that I would have no money for medications, no insurance and nothing at first until I would go to court and win some (at the time my husband was denying me any support until I won it in court).
SO even though I told her what happened and how bad I felt she would rather me have no where to go then to stay in one of there three empty rooms.

My relationship with my husband is much better. But not with my mother, at all. She has always let my sister treat me horribly and has supported her through that and even joined un with her.

The only one I ever bonded with and who treated me well is my father.
But because I'm adopted and they had two bio children I felt like the one out all the time and they gave there bil children authority over me..we were all about the same age so it wasn't like they were older.

But from the out side, she's June clever. Always perfect and always expecting us to be perfect. In our town were really well known and were supposed to live up to out name. But I didn't. I'm the one they always try not to talk about. Except for my father.

So I understand some of what you feel right now. And what she's saying to you , is horrible and I'm sure makes you feel more than I can relate to words.

I agree with anna that you try all those things to get financial support. There is something called emergency medicade. Does Social services know that you have MS and have no way of getting your meds or food?

You can also call your local hospitals as they sometimes have charity pools in which they use to help people that need medical care and don;t have funds. And I do believe MS is one of the serious diseses that counts.
Usuallt those hospitals are Not-for Profit, You'll  have at least one of those in your area even if it's a town or two over.

If you live in NY all hospitals are not-for profit.

And there are emergency food stamps.

You can also talk to your doctors and pharmacy. Pharmacies sometimes have programs to help you in financial crisis and doctors alot of times have free saples or can get some.

Are their any friends you can stay with? Any other relatives.

I'm concerned with how your mother is treating you and your medical comdition. It puts alot of stress on you (especially teh financial stuff) and makes your body and immune system weak.

At first when I was reading my thoughts were, your mothers in denial and is afraid of something happening to you and is acting out because of it.

But as I read further I feel that's not the case, or at least not all of it.

Hows your mother health? Has she ever taken any meds like anti-depressants or any other psychortopics. Because even though your not bonded the fact that she did ask you to move in the empty house they have and would financial help you makes me think that from that point in time to this point in time something has happened with her mentally.

It does absolutly sound like she doesn't know what MS is as she feels it's a disgrace on your family, almost like she thinks you've gone out and done this to yourself.
But that gives me the idea that mentally or psychologically she's not capable of understanding.

And obviously if she is saying these things to you, there's something wrong with her. It's not you.
If that is the case that doesn't make it okay.
And whatever the case may be, this is not you. It's something going on with her. Though I know that doesn't fix things or helps you out because regardless she's still doing it.

It just sounds to me like she's very confused mentally and/or psychologically.
Does she go to the doctor regularly?

The other question I want to ask you is if your the only one who helps her, cares foer her in anyway since your father died?
As she get's older who will care for her?

The reason I ask is because depending on her age and her mental state(which sounds as if something is going on) she may also fear what's going to happen to her if something happens to you. And the way you've explained it she's not very loving but more cold and may not know how to express her emotions so is turning it all around on you and projecting her fears onto you.

But as I said no matter what's happening with her, this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong.
You are worthy and deservingand your not a disgrace. You seem to know that also. But I know when she's saying these things, she's the only mother you've known and what you want to yell back at her doesn't feel very strong when she's saying these things.

Oh, there's also emergency housing. And people who work for no fee to help you get what you need to financially care for yourself.
Having MS is something that needs to be taken care of daily and if you go back down to your social services office and tell them again that you need emergency food stamps, medicade and also call your hospitals local administration, or all the hospitals around you and ask they may be bale to help you with meds.

You cal also go you your local red cross and see what they can do for you. Every person who's in need get's help in some way.

I should cut this off because it's getting really log. But if I think of anything else I make sure to add them. And please keep writing here okay. Your very welcome here and we want you to knwo we care.
Your worthy of everything and anything. And in no way are you a disgrace..
and thats coming from another third wheel so believe it.

Hugs, amph

[spitfire989]

Thank you so much for getting back to me.---It means so much to me.---To have someone to talk to.----Yes, I am in counciling (actually just starting it) but none the less going,--as long as my insurance allows me to.----As for adoption---isn't it amazing how "they want to adopt" us (for whatever reason) and then after they do, they treat ya like ****.  How you never measure up and are the blunt of their problems.----Christ, sometimes I think it would of been better off staying in foster care.--Boy ain't that something!!!!!----Growing up I don't remember alot of happiness times.----Oh sure we might have gone camping and whatever, but aside from that--not alot of happiness.----My father also was'nt the one who did the mental torment.---I don't remember him really doing the "put down", ever.  And I only remember him discipling me twice,-----**** with my mother has always been this way--since I can remember.---She's 67 and in damn good health, and she does'nt take any meds for anything.---As far as her understanding my Ms, she does'nt cuz she has'nt tried to talk to me about it,to find out what MS really is like, what it does to you, mentally,physically, or anything .---She's ALWAYS been real good at "ignoring" something or someone in the hopes that it'll go away.  And now that I have MS, lost my job, and whatever else,--she's doing that.--Ignoring--thinking/hoping I'll go away.I don't think right now, she would care if I was stuck in a snowbank , unable to get up cuz my leg's don't work that well.  She'd just say,  Oh well.---As for anyone being around to "take care " of her in the future if she were to get ill,---umm, yeah, the person everyone would look to take care of her is ME!  But, like I said to someone the other day,  the problem with that (that she's too dim-witted to see) is because she has detroyed my well being and whatever---she's moreless burned the bridge so to speak.---And the thing about that, is once ya burn a bridge ya can't always go back over it.  It takes ALOT to re-build a bridge, and she would NEVER put the effort/requirements intodoing that.---As for her talking to a priest/councilor or anyone for that matter is like winning the lottery!!!----IT AIN'T EVER GONNA HAPPEN!!!----Yeah, the MS thing, she acts like I went to Walmart and DELIBERATELY got MS!!! She acts/thinks it's all my fault,---I don;t know if she thinks it's cuz of me being a smoker or whatever.---I just don;t know.---And the theory that she's afarid of my MS and all that it's gonna or has doen to me, well ****-----all she ever had to do was talk.---Talk to me to find out what I'M up against.---But she does'nt.-----Plus, this "issue" that I did recently involving taking money and therefore being charged with 3 counts of Petty Larceny  really sets her off.-----Again telling me I'm a f-up and an absolute loser!!!---Ok, I agree 100% what I did was wrong, and I tried to explain to her why I did what I did.  But she would hear nothing of it.-----And yes, I intend to go to social services for food stamps and what not.--And of course I'm looking for a job---got a couple of interviews in a couple day.---And I will get one!!!---I will then start the process to get the hell out of here and find an apartment or whatever.---Which I will say breaks my heart too.---I really like my house now, the lay out is perfect for the day I need a wheelchair, what not.--But she throws this house thin g up in my face too.---See it's on HER land( right next to her house, about 1000ft away)--and the thing about the house that she throws in my face is----2 years ago my other house (trailer) caught fire from a faulty electric cord on the porch when we (myself and my daughter) we not home,--it burned pretty much to the ground along with ALL of our possessions.---I remember her saying, when I was having a hard time dealing with the fact EVERY BIT OF WHATEVER ME AND MY DAUGHTER OWNED WAS GONE, her response was Ohwell.!!!!!-----We eneded up having to stay at her house for about 6 months til we got this place---and we my daughter Jen and I hated it.---She was always on us, being snotty and condesending, just making it miserable for us.-----I was obviously looking for an apartment and was about to get one, when she and her boyfriend said, we'll give you the money to buy this double wide I got now.---The boyfriend (Bill) gave me 1/2 the money to get it, and I pay him $90 a month in repayment,---then "Queen Matafah" gave me the other part I needed, and helped out with paying all the contractors to get the place in.----Anyrate, now she throws in my face,--how SHE helped me get this place in (how she spent money on ME), and moreless that this place is HER'S, even though the purchase papers are in my name,-----And telling me to just leave----cuz this place is her's and she can do what she wants with it.--In my heart I don't see how it;s hers,(even if she did help get it put in(financially), but maybe I'm wrong.--What do you think?---Someone told me the other day---she CAN'T kick you out of the house even if it's on her land, cuz the purchase papers are in your name--therefore she DOESN'T own the house,  Sure she may own the land it's on, but not the house so to speak.IS NOT HER'S.---I don't know if that's true and the case.--But like I told that person,,,even if she cant't kick me out, I'm not sure I want to stay anyways and have to live right next door to her and have her CONCSTANTLY bitchin at me for this or that.-I don't know Amph,  I'm just so broken inside!!!---Anyways, thanks for getting back to me and I do hope I haer from you soon.--It helps.

[RockRose]

spitfire,  I think your friend is probably right that you have some rights to the mobile home.    It does get sticky because the home is on her property,  but it still sounds like you probably own the home itself.  There's a legal aid society in Rochester,  maybe you could call by phone and ask for some advise.  On this website they list "tenant advocacy" and could probably answer your legal questions.  I don't know if I'd formally start anything in that direction because she might just be blowing smoke about kicking you out and you don't want to make that worse,  but I think you could use some clear legal advise.    Sounds like you have some rights here.

Best wishes.

http://www.lasroc.org/

[Amphitrite]

Hey SP(that's gonna be my new nickname for ya)

I just reread your post and then mine and realized I am a HORRIBLE speller and my grammer could use tons of work also.
When I write on the computer I'm dyslexic more than I am when I hand write.
Strange.

It is wisked cold outside today so just spent an dhour and a ahalf scraping ice off my car, now for the rest of the day I'm useless. I swear one small task and I'm counting down the minutes until I can take my pain meds!!
Oh well, it's hatta be someone right

I swear when I first started reaing your post, I wondered if I could have a split personality and wrote that while I was napping or something (sorry RR your not that luck).

I can udentify with all your saying, except theillegal part but I did do something realy stupid once when a friend of mine asked me to drive him to the bank because his boiss wanted him to cash all the employees paychecks because they were here illegally and couldn't make their own bank accounts.
So I agreed only to find out later when a knowck on the door came from the sheriff but before he handcuffed me my Dad got him to sit down and tell us what was going on.
That's when he said that my friend had stolen all those paychecks and if I was driving the car I was an acomplice.
Luckily our "name" helpped me out on that one.
But what my friend did was really wrong. But what he did doesn't make him a bad person. It doesn't make him anything more than someone who made a really stupid mistake without thinking it through.

I'm guessing your was for getting money to buy meds and food or something you really needed and couldn't do without. You were desperate. That doesn't make you a bad person. It means yo made a mistake that maybe could have been worked out another way but at that very moment the situation was desperate.

Doing a bad thing does not make you a bad person...(well I'm talking theft for food or meds or bills) not about the bad things the real criminals do. Like rape and abuse children, murder,,,etc.

I was hoping you were going to say your mother was ill or fragile, but instead she sounds like she has a clean bill of health from the doctor.
I still think from reading what you've wrote she should be checked out by a psychiatrist. I know you say there ain't no way she's going. But still, I believe there is something going on with her psychologically.

I really wish I had an answer for you about that. I know what being belittled and berated by your mother feelis like. It hurts not matter how old we are to think that the only mother we've ever known geels this way about us.
It's a deep hurt that kinda never goes away. Hard to deal when it keep happening.

So your plan of getting a job and moving away I think is a good one. Yuo need to get out of the house next to hers. Have tour own space and feedom to live your life without being verbally and emotionally abused.

I'm glad you have a plan. Just make sure you keep your eyes on it. Sometimes when we ht a wall in our plans we loose sight of our goal and we end up getting caught back up in the chaos of not knwing what to do, wher eto go...

I want to say some more but I suddenly don't feel very well at all and I think I need to make myself something to eat or lay down. Hubby as gotten me sick and I feel just awful.

But I will be back on soon and if not soon later def..Hugs, I hope tpday your feelin a little better

[Amphitrite]

Wow, that was strange. I've been sick becuse huuby brought it home last week(how considerate right? I mean really couldn't he have stayed in a hotel or slept in the car or something...selfish man, always wanting dinner and his own bed. what a baby..hhee LOL)
I am miffed at him though because when I get sick my IC flares and the pain kills me. So we try to stay away from eachother germ wise. Now I don't get to kidd hubby for two weeks. And obviously that first week didn't quite work out the way we had planned.

But I didn't expect that. For a sec I thought it might be the flu. Thankfully I don't think it is *knocking on wood*

So I was saying...to just make sure you keep your goals in sight. Maybe one thing at a time so that you can just work on that and when you get some food stamps and go to some interviews then you can strart saving a little but each time you get paid and having food stamps and maybe something to help with your meds like a hospital charity fund or a Pharamcy program , work on getting an insureance(if you have to pay for the one now)

I don't know whether you have rights or not. I'm thinking back to when I lived up in Northern California and my cousin and I moved into this community of double wides(there the ones that basically look like a house, just moveable?) My cousin had bought it(it was already on the land of the housing community), and it was really expensive so she wanted to make sure that when she moved since she bought it, it was hers and would be brought with her.

And I believe that she owned the place but not the land. But I don't know about whether or not that could kick us out because we basically owned the place but not the land.
But if your name is on the ownership papers than it is yours, no matter who helped you put it in.
If someone helps you with the house you bought, it's your house regardless as your name is on the dotted line of: Owner.

But you said even if you did have rights you think it's better if your moved away. And from what you've said I do agree with you. I think that if your mother cannot make a change you need to surround yourself with people who are showing you support and care, emotionally and physically.

And of your mother can't do that, as much as you still love her until she can treat you with some respect and decency you should give yourself the space you need to have your freedom from her.
Even if it's the same town, even in the nighborhood next door. But your own space that she can't use over your head to make you feel guilty. And in upstate NY, you can get some good deals on apartments. Or if you want to find out about renting some land you can put your double wide on.
Whatever you find out.

But before any of that I really think you should start out with the nessesities like food stamps, state insurance, job interviews and even if she isn't true to her word of kicking you out. Once you start getting back on your feet then I really think you need some time away from her to breath.
Unless your health is too bad. Please do not push yourself with getting a job if there are days you feel your not able to work one and are too fatigued.
You can get into a program called section 8 housing. And basically what you pay is a very very small amount and the gov pays for the rest and you get medicade. But I know that's something that your social worker can advice you better about(you said your seeing a soical worker right now right? Even if it's a psychotherapist, anyone in the mental health profession can advovate for their clients and help find them resources in your area for you, even if it's refrring you to someone that advocates for your getting medicade free of charge.
But social workers in general usually have more knowlege of available resources, especially if you going to see them at a mental health clinic as clinics are involved with most of the rest of the counties agencies.

There is also (did I say this) a agency called The Mental Health Associaltion and every county has one. If your county is very small you may have one in the nexy country over. But they can also help you with available resources as they're a Not-for profit mental health agency and will understand your situation. That you have not only MS but some psychiatric issues your dealing with also (like depression, anxiety..whatever the case may be) And what american isn;t dealing with one.
Therapy is the american way now. Even for professionals(I think were the biggest consumers of mental health services!!!)

I just know exactly how your mother is making you feel and know what a number it can do on you emotionally and mentally as she's teh ones your supposedto be able to look to for support, love and affection. And those words however untrue they are (and they are) can cut like a knife into your heart and leave a bleeding wound that just won't heal.

But for myself I know that after I was abused (or during it) I became extreamly isolated and refused to be touched or hugged,
My parents tell me all the time that one night I out of no where got up and sat on my father laps. And they looked at eachother in amazement afraid to make ant sudden moves or even speak for fear I'd get up and run off.

But at the time they didn't know something had happened to me. I kind of got lost on the shouffle especially because I isolated myself so much. One night I heard them all talking in the living room. My parents and my bro and sis(who were 11 and 8) and my parents were asking my brother and sister what they think they should do with me. Telling me how fed up they are with me. That summer I ended up being sent to summer camp while my siblings stayed home and the next I was sent to my Grandparents in Florida. But I found a note from my mother to my Grandmother and then I found the reply and what they were saying about me really hurt. The same Grandmother who told me they probably wouldn't be coming to my graduation because It wasn't a real graduation because it was only a community college at the time. So unlike all my siblings and cousins. Only a few people came to my graduation. And not seeing my grandgather who I love desperatly broke my heart (mt grandmother is an evil wicth who has managed to control my Grandfather).

Anyway. These kind of wounds just like sexual and physical abuse are wounds that are hard to heal. Emotional abuse and mental abuse which I suffered from my sister and my grandmother( I hate to say my mother emotionally abused me) can be an ongoing battle just like all the rest of the traumas children experience into adulthood. Especially when we have to keep seeing them and have to experience the mental abuse over and over again

Anyway, I better run. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
Remeber, only do what you physically can right now. There are other options and with your having MS you shouldn't force your body to do things that make it feel worse. But on the same hand if you feel you still can work at least part time, then defenitly go for it. Without a doubt. Working besides the money, has alot of great benefits emotionally especially when your physically sick. It's rewarding to know your taking advatage of those things you can. I'd do anything to go back to work. I loved my job and miss it terribly. But ohyscially I'm nott read and emotinally I'm a mess. I would never want to risk anyones well being if I'm not thinking clearly and wrapped up deeply within my own feelings.

Ayway, I'll talk to you soon. Keep haging in there. Your obviously a very strong person. And along with therapy when you have a run in together just come on here and get it out.
Don't ever let it sit inside and eat away at you.

Hugs,

Amph

[Amphitrite]

P.S, that beautiful little girl of yours is obviously a huge motivator to keep hanging on and fighting through. She is just gorgeous and that smile is inspiring!
She has a great and caring mamma. I bet she knows and feels how loved she is:)

[spitfire989]

Hey there, thanks for getting back to me.---I got a kick out your nickname for me--SP!---My boyfriend Rich calls me "spit" or "peep".---Actually I got the nickname "Spitfire" from one of my Hospice patients, as it was well known "IF" they were to get put on my "list", then I was a real "Spitfire" when it came to getting them help for their hospice needs.---I worked in Hospice for years and really enjoyed it. Certainly NOT a job for everyone, but I enjoyed it.--Hopefully --God willing--I can get back into it.-----Ok now, for starters I'm sorry you got sick from what the hubby brought home.--Ahh, the love of "sharing" right?----Are you able to take anything for it? And if you don't mind me asking, what do you/are you taking for the IC? --I don't have that, but it must be just as bad as any "icky" damn disease out there!---And I hope it does'nt bring you down too damn much, even though I know you said, you can't work like ya want to and whatnot.---Just the same,, I wish you some releif!!-----Also, I noticed you were in NY, and again if you don't mind me asking---where in this cute lil state are you?---Im in Dansville, which is about 35 miles South of the sess pool they call Rochester.--I say Sess pool, cuz alot of my Hospice people were in Rochester, and alot of the areas I went to were NOT fun!---With some of the stuff I saw, I was starting to think the Bronx was Disneyland!---But anyhoot.---Umm, regarding Insurance---I still get insurance through work, cuz they did not "officially" fire me "yet" based on my stupid act I did---they put me on "Suspension", so I've got coverage.--And if I'm not mistaken, I get it for either 6mo;s or 1 yr after leaving.--So, that is a big releif!  Cuz I would not be able to do anything for the MS tests, meds, whatever,--without it.---- As for getting "Stamps", I've got the paperwork at least started.  And I did sign up for HEAP to help with the heat.----As for getting an apartment, I want to ,but in the same case, I'm a little nervous/scared.--Like I told my Councilor today, "What if I get an apartment, and then find out I can't "swing" it on what I'd get from Disability?---Queen Snot (as I like to call her) would have a freakin hay-day with that one!!!! I told my councilor, I could hear her now---"Yup, see ya can't even make it on your won, just as I suspected"!!-----I agree with you, or should I say, thank you for agreeing with me---that I NEED  to get out of here, and on my own AWAY from her.---I don't mind being by myself or whatever,--cuz I figure 2 things.----1:---I'm used to being by myself, (other then Rich, I don't usually have people to talk to) and 2: I figure if I'm alone,--I can't get "hurt" or do the "wrong" thing.  Ya know what I mean?----ANd I have decided, when I get my place,--IT WON'T  be any place near by.--I certainly don't want it in the same town as her!!---She's the town clerk for the town we live in, and 2, I don't want it nearby where she can STILL stick her freakin nose in my business, Ya know.---I just want to go where I don't know anyone, or whatever.---I will though try to make it so it's near Rich's house, which is Canadaigua.---So, in time we'll see.-----I know full well, I MUST take it easy as far as work is concerned with the MS. I already know there were days where it took ALL I had to get up and get to work, As of right now, with my pal MS, mornings are "fair".--Meaning I hurt like hell getting up in the morning, and most times have to convince "both" of my legs to go the same direction, hehe,---then after my 13 happy meds for breakfast, I'm usually OK( probably cuz I'm half sedated, huh) til around noon--on.---Then I start to feel the fire in my body again, and 99% when I came home from work, I had to fight to keep myself awake.  Cuz if I took a "power nap" then, I'd be "toast" for the rest of the night.--As it is my sleep pattern *****!----MS is notorious for f-n up your sleep habits.---It'll make it so you only get a few "descent" hours of sleep, before it starts messin with ya.---I can't count how many times--nights---I'd only be able to get 3-4 hrs.--In fact that was "another" thing that tipped my Neurologist towards the MS dx.--Apparently Insomnia is a biggie with MS. And I'd been having Insomnia problems for years, and always just took Tylenol PM to"help" with the sleep problem and pain I was having.--Not remotely thinking MS.----But, as I said,---I will try to stay working as long as I can.---I have no choice, even though I know pushing it may hurt me.---Good Lord!!! Could you imagine what Queen Snob would say if she found out I could'nt work!!!!!----Well, as for "you know who", I just don't think or see where things are gonna change.---And as I said, her health is pretty damn good.--So, like SO MANY OTHER THINGS IN HER LIFE--she has NO IDEA what it's like.No idea what it's like to be sick--even the slightest.----She's NEVER had to know what it's like to be sick or whatever---she's NEVER had to know what it is like to have to work and NOT have enough money to just get by.---She NEVER worked a day when I was growing up----my father certainly made enough working for Xerox so she never had to work, and after he passed away in 91, she never had to work, cuz he left her a sizable chunk of "moolah".--Actually, she only started working within the last 8 yrs, and even still has my father's money to fall on.----So, with those 2 aspects in her "makeup", she's OBLIVIOUS to the REAL WORLD!!! And she can sit in her fancy little mansion and be EXCELLENT at passing judgement on everyone else.-----As for any Psycological issues with her, who knows,--I really don't think she's "in need" of any of it or whatever---I just think she's cold and bitter on the inside.  And I don't know why.  Because her parents were'nt that way! By a long shot.----They were'nt super wealthy, but they taught the kids to love --to be kind--and to just be descent.----Like I said,  I don't understand "why" people adopt kids and then do everything they can to make their lives perhaps even more miserable then before they came to them.--Like I said, it might of been better to stay in the foster homes.--At least that way---WE had no expectations from these people.  WE did'nt "expect" them to "love" us or whatever---cuz let's face it---we were a "supplimental" check for them.  So, they did'nt "have to" love us.--Although I do remember a couple of mine were pretty good, in fact one I would of loved tohave stayed at, but the lady was "too old" to keep me.---But, what I'm saying is,---when we're "adopted", you'd think theyd of adopted us cuz THEY WANTED TO---OUT OF LOVE!---and it sounds like your adoptive parents were'nt much different then mine (excluding my father and my grandmother).---I know you said your grandmother was a real "peice of work" and I'm sorry for that.---- That ain't right..  Cuz to me---no matter how f-n pathetic our parents are---we SHOULD  be able to turn to our grandparent's for comfort and releif.---But, as I said`,I don't know where Queen Snob learned to be that way.---And I just see her growing old and dying pretty much by herself---cuz she's burned all her bridges.-----It's like I told a friend of mine the other day-----"IF"---"IF" she were to make a "TRUE" effort to change, in time I might forgive her for the hurt she shoved in my heart.--But, even then I would always have that in the background, ya know what I'm saying?---But as I told my friend---I'll be good God-damned if I'll spend my time trying to convince her I have MS,----I'll be good God damned if I'll go running back to her like some damn puppy with their tail between their legs after getting into the garbage.---Ya know?---Ok Im gonna scoot but get back if ya can/want.

[spitfire989]

That cute drooling lil bundle is my granddaughter Adrianna Katherine.----She's my youngest daughter Jenni's lil bundle.----Yup, not planned, but loved tons just the same.---I call Adrianna----Sponge Bob Squirmy Pants!!!---She's definately a busy body, and yes, has been my "reason" to fight with the MS,---I just pray---my mother is'nt to her what she was to me.----Lord knows this gramma WON'T BE!!---- I was very laid back with my girls.---Never yelled at them--never disciplined them----NEVER HAD A REASON TO BE,----AND ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM---NO MATTER WHAT.-----Still am.----But anyhoot, yup----she's a cutie! Drool and all!  Actually, she'll be a whole whopping 1 next month!---UGG!!!

[Amphitrite]

AHhh, still cute as heck. I should of looked at them up close to see if you had any comments underneath:):)
I always do that with pcis. I;ve looking at everyones so I skim by alot so I can see so many.
I'm one of those weirdos who's always up fro watching my friends family vacation videos and pictures (well if I had real friends anymore. Mo one wants to wait around in th eprime of life for thri sick friend to feel okay enough to go out).

For IC, I've taked Fetynl(hated it) and oxycontin. The oxycontin workes well but because of my PTSD and all the issues I have going on with that I'm like a little travelig pharamcy so i wan to lower something and teh only one is my pain meds which is going to be he977 because the pain is bad on the 40's. And the pain plays into the PTSD. But I can't keep up with all these meds..Buspar, celexa, xanax, ambien/lunesta and oxycontin and then sometimes percocet. That's just an insame amount and once a day I have to take them all together(not together I have  athing where I have to take them each an hour apart or teo) but there all in my system at the same time and I don't like feeling like I'm a walking pharamcy.
Plus I figure even though lowering the pain meds will ne torcher. There are benefits like, my pain doc knowing I'm willing to work with her and at least try to lower my dose to see how things go and two, It;s losing it's effectiveness and if I go down my tolerance will go down and if I need to go back up it wil work as it dod before because I refuse to take a hugher dose than I'm on now. I just can't do it.

Anyway, yes alot of people don't understand how bad IC can actually be. Some have mild cases but many have severe cases like me and the pain can be devestating. You forget what it feels like to wee without pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm weeing broken glass. Horibble wicked disease.

They did think I had MS, but I onlygot one MRI and I was supposed to get another because the neuro I saw wasn't satisfied with the one I had otten done. But I never went back because then they wer esure it was autoimmune. I'm supposed to get a muscle biposy, but I haven't yet. It's been almost a year since they wanted it.
My CPK was really high and would rise everytime my muscles hurt and burned.

I know I should go. But with everything going on how could I possibly add another issue. I mean really, enough is enough for now. And I can't stand to need another pill and if it is what they say they are pretty sure they know it is I'll be on those extra pills for life...Fun stuff Yipeeee!

I'm suprised when I saw the neuro they didn't seem to interested in my insomnia. Maybe they did but since I never went back I wouldn't know now would I.
I'm am really making a dumb move by not following any of thios through indefenity.

It took them so long to find the IC that I'm too tired to be in Limbo land again. I like my denial, I use it for everything. It's just an all around goood tool to have (just kidding..kind of!)

Yeah, in my family it was always the older people I felt loved and cared for by excluding my father and my godmother.
That grandmother who's a piece of work is actually a step-grandmother since my fathers mother dies when he was young. But she makes us put the pictures of my Dads mom away. How could anyone be jelous of a dead mother and wife and make my father put his pivtures away, what a biotch. Excuse the language but, really.

But all those people except for my father, grandfather and godmother have passed. nd now that I think about that I'm lucky to have those three people I feel loved by unconditinally.
But my grandfather is getting really old and he forgets who I am. It;s breaks my heart but I can;t imagine what it's doing to my Dad especially since his brother died just a few years ago of a maddive heart attack. One minute he was walking to clear the drivewat and the next he was gone. At least it was fast, ya know.

But I have to say that my Godmother has been my saving grace my entire life. She truely is like a fairy Godmother always there when I need her. She's the ones that set up my adoption and she's my Dad's biological cousin, so I guess that makes her my cousin too. Who knows.

I call my sister the snotty one. My husband and I have no idea how she's going to get through life being about as deep as a trickiling stream. She's compleely materialistic. Even since we were kids and I took her nail polish. Just for doing that I got the biggest reem out I've ever gotten in my entire life this far saying the most nasty things.

She never knew that I wanted to be just like her because when we were younger she seemed so perfect and my mother and her were close. Any reason she couls find to hurt me. Making me giver her my allowance and whatever else. Seems silly now but basically even as a kid she was evil enough to create a weakness in me to manipultae me by.
Knowing how badly I felt left out but telling me everyone hated me, I was the cause of all teh problems and if I wen back to where I came from everone would be much happier. We were young and she three years younger and she knew exactly wha to say to devestate me.
The worst thing about her and the reason I could never have any respect for her of care let alone love is never once throughout our entire lives has she ever been willing to take responsibility for anything. She's always used me in some way.
But now that I'm stronger I've been able to drop her from my life and consider myself not to have a sister.

I would never do that to anyone, except her. To me after all she's done and at the age of 25 still can't take ownership and blames me and still tries to makeme the family scaoe goat. She's not worthy of knowing me or neing in my life and to be hoest, I'm so much happier than I was when I was still trying to get her affection ans support. So much happier.

I could never suggest that to anyone else as it';s a drastic step to take to cut someone out of your life indefenitly. Bit for mysituation with her it was tthe right thing to do
I would of course accept an apology and an acknowlegement of the wat she treated me but I still couldn't alllower her back in.
She misused my love and effect, she manipulated my weakness and to me that's enexcusable to this kind of extent.

If you wereto ask me if I consider my sister a mentally abusive person I;d have to say yes, and I hate saying that even though the situation is the way it is because it;s a huge deal to label someone as an abuser.

Anyway. Enough about me. I swear I was just telling one of my friends here that I've never talked so much about myself in my entire life.m I think I've said more heer than in five years of therapy.

I went to college upstate...what city was it in. It was so long ago and I didn't finish. I transfered to the down state community college and then went to finsih up at state.
I live probably about 40 to 50 minutes from the city depeding upi who's friving.
We used to live in california and then moved to upstate NY and then to downstate. But I grew up in the same town I live mow. Small town and everyone knows obe another. Bit since 9/11 everyones been moving to out area and it's over populated. They've destryed the woods, killed all the trees and in some areas let them just rot and die.
My family has lived here forever so no matter how populated it gets we still seem to be a well known family which has ot's benefits bur doen falls.

Anyway, I better go take a nap I'm actually beginning to fall asleep sonce I've only gotten two hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. Which wouldn't be abnormal except for all the meds I'm on.

I'll be on later though,,,

Hugs

[spitfire989]

Hey there kiddo, did you get my message regarding the email?--Let me know--cuz if not for some reason, I'll resend it.---Ok.----Yup, if your sleep deprived ya better go take a power nap or something,---you gotta try to chill and sleep when ya can.--I know.---ok, I'm gonnna scoot, but get back to me when ya can.---------spitfire