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Was I abused?
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This community is for discussions relating to emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, spousal, and verbal abuse. Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.

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Was I abused?

I can't ever remember anything happening to me but as a child I showed all the symptoms, peeing afraid to be alone.  I remember being 4 and telling my mom i was too sick to attend church so i could hide behind the couch and masterbate.  I stuck things in my ears b/c it aroused me as a child(strange i know).  I played with my barbies in a sexual way.  I still to this day get a feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin, creeped out feeling on sundays or when i am pregnant.  I have been in therapy and she kind of alluded to my brother being the culprit.  I don't even know if I want to remember since if it did happen i am blocking it for a reason.  But i would like to be able to pin point as to why I am the way I am now, not wanting sex with my husband but wanting to strip for strangers. I have read about the whole repressed memory thing and don't know if it is true.  Is there anyone else out there who has felt this way.  Whenever I try to describe the way i feel on Sunday people think I am strange and I don't know if it is just me or a sign of being abused.
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203342_tn?1328740807
I don't know if you were abused or not but be very careful about allowing a therapist to suggest things to you. They can actually cause false memories, especially if you allow yourself to be hypnotized and are more suceptable to suggestions interered into your mind. You wouldn't want to accuse someone of something like this and ruin their life if it's false.

It's interesting that you associate something to do with Sundays. Were you left alone with anyone, a babysitter or family member on Sundays?

I think it's a good idea to see a therapist, but again be careful that they don't suggest anything to you. You should just do the talking and remembering. Don't let anyone take advantage of you or pressure you into anything. Hope this helps in some small way.
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299889_tn?1257342977
Move to the solution, you have to be sexually responsible and not allow your instincts to take over regardless of why it is happening, know right from wrong.  You may not get your answers.  Maybe just take a look at your behavior today.  I am sorry you are going thru what you are..
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280102_tn?1208880822
Hi minesa, your story is so similiar to mine. I've tried and tried to remember being sexually abused as a child. I just was going to write about not being able to remember anything specific, I was going to write about just these 'hunches' that I have. I'm in a twelve-step program and I've done alot of soul searching lately, alot of moral inventory. Funny I was going to write about not being able to remember anything, when I remembered something. It's hard, but I know I can get through it. I guess my mom and grandma thought I wouldn't 'remember' I guess most of my family are pedophiles, my mom, my grandma, my uncles. I do remember specific things, If I imagined them that just shows how truly f--cked up I am. I ran and ran for so many years. The instant I stopped running I thought of suicide. I had to learn to accept my past, and I am realizing I'm not as horrible as I thought I was. I escaped with drugs, sex with strangers, stripping, I'm in a twelve step program today, and I'm working on accepting my past.
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Avatar_f_tn
Another way to approach this, is to focus on the current problems you'd like to fix.  As you work on them, if there was sexual abuse, it will re-emerge for you as you get to the points where that info is needed.  It's amazing how that happens.  

Also, sometimes it takes getting help, and being in a place where you are ready to support yourself, before the past can come back up.  If you do want to work on it, focus on sensations in your body, color that come up, sounds, rather than focusing on trying to find the whole story at once, or trying to find your whole set of feelings labeled with words.  I'm mentioned the book, "the courage to heal", it has a section on if you don't remember or arent' sure and how to cope with that.

Some therapists apparently push on the sexual abuse with clients to get them focused on it, however, it sounds like your questions are coming from yourself.  Don't let anyone insist or put into your head what your recollections are (and run if they try to), but if stuff's there, it will come up for  you.  And a sick little feeling in your stomach will tell you, there's truth in there.  Obviously if your life starts improving - then it's working.  (I hesitation on that because sometimes it gets worse for a while before it gets better.)  You can always do outside consults with other therapists if you have concerns.  A good therapist would encourage that!!!  Only a BAD one wouldn't!

(FYI, the courage to heal gets blamed for the repressed memory syndrome.  Actually I found it to be a very powerful book, and that's why bad folks can use it with power as well as good folks can use it for good...  You know what I mean?  My therapist had me questioning if sexual abuse had happened for me.  After reading it, I was certain it hadn't!  Every violation I'd ever experienced came up, so I knew if sexual abuse had happened  - it would have come up too.  My therapist wasn't good at her job and I did leave her.  Kinds of things that came up were co-workers who'd been sexually offensive or touched me, the stranger who grabbed my breast at pay phone, a physically although not sexually invasive relative from childhood, and every last weird incident that if you are female -  you've experienced some of these...)
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you all sooo much.  I am going to get that book.  It just scares me to find out what happened.  I have 3 small children and I think about if something happened to them ALL the time.  Our lives are different b/c I am terrified by the thought of something happening to them.  Even today I took my son to the dentist and the dentist picked up my 2 year old son and was holding him.  All I could think was, Is he getting off on this and I had to watch his hands the whole time.  I do get the sick feeling.  I am not really worried about who did it or why.  I have thought it was my brother just being curious and I wouldn't hold it against him so I am not angry I just want some answers.  I didn't know where else to turn b/c face to face alot of people claim to have been molested and it is quite possible it happened but I think sometimes girls that it didn't happen to think it is a cool thing to say for whatever reason. Anyway I am rambling just b/c I have noone to talk about this to.  So thank you.
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Avatar_n_tn
That is what scares me.  My whole family except my brother are pretty normal and I have good loving relationships with them.  But not knowing I look at everyone as if it could have been them for different reasons.  And it has made me put up a wall.  My father-n-law is the best man you could imagine but my sick mind tells me not to say i love you to him or hug him.  I can't be normal around men that I should have a nonsexual relationship w.  So I guess that is why I have no friends b/c I don't know how to act around men and women hate me.  I want to remember.  I can only remember things I did to myself or things I said, or ways I feel but they never involve another person.  But why would a 4 year old be so obsessed w/ sexual feelings.  And it continued on till I actually started having sex and then i didn't want it.  Am I the pervert here and I am just trying to put it on someone else.  
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Avatar_f_tn
"Am I the pervert here and I am just trying to put it on someone else. " - absoluted not.  You have some obvious issues that came from someplace.  Also, no 4 year comes up with that stuff on their own.  At three kids are first figuring out who's a boy and who's a girl, and they don't always get it right.  (For a while I was known as a boyandagirl because I didn't have a daddy (spouse).)  You're remembering the parts that are safe - your reactions to it - that at the time were designed to help you cope, as strange as they seem now.

"she kind of alluded to my brother being the culprit."  That kind of bothers me.  Unless there's more to the situation when she said this -  SHE shouldn't be hinting at who it is or what happened.  It should come out of you when it's time.  She could ask if something seems to be a heavy area or an inconsistency, for you to go back to it - if you want.  

Also if it was your brother - and that's a big if - then there is something that happened to him to trigger this.  It's not likely to be just experimenting.  I say it's a big if, because  these things play tricks on the mind, until they come out when then you know that you hit truth.  Even then you can feel like your in a never-never world as you adjust.  

If there's one thing I'd say it's trust yourself, every step of the way, with everything, and everyone.

All the self-doubts like "am I the pervert", "am I making it up", "am I being mellowdramatic or self-serving" or whatever else, are all ways the mind and the abuse plays tricks to keep us from dealing with it.

(Please let me know what you think of the book.  I've recommend it a bit so it would be good to hear for my own reference.)

All the best!
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Avatar_f_tn
from all that i have read it seems like you really are not going to try and forget and go on with your life as suisieq sugessted so if you have to know take your mom a yape recorder and go to a hypmotist and find out but i really dont think that would change the way you feel you need to march forward not backwards

    lots luck   jo
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203342_tn?1328740807
?? I don't think you meant to address that to me, right?
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry i plese forgive me it was just one of those mistakes i make quite often it was meant for minesia  jo
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TO ALL IN THIS COLUMN


i made a comment to april 2 that i meant for minesia i shall bow my head in shame for 2 seconds i am truly sorry i do hope that i am forgiven   jo
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Avatar_n_tn
It is hard to forget.  I try to but I will be going along with my day and then something pops up that I have forgotten about and I am back at square one.  I can't moved past it until I know what I am moving past.  I don't know how to make it better.  I am waiting to see a psycholo something, the one that gives out meds.  Then they will ask if I want to do talk therapy.  I have 2 small children and no babysitter so i don't have the ability to be in therapy.  So i guess I am going to get that book The Courage to Heal and try to do it by myself.  I am a pretty smart girl.  I like to analyze things and I usually tell the doctor what's wrong with me before they do so I hope that I will have some success.  Although I really have no support from anyone.  My family doesn't want anything to do with this neither does my husband.  I don't have that many friends and they don't want to talk to me about it.  So here I am left by myself to sort through it.  The more I try to remember and I can't the more messed up I think I am for thinking this way.  I guess I didn't come here for a solid answer just to vent and talk about it to people who understand.
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203342_tn?1328740807
Aww, s'ok! :D No worries!
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203342_tn?1328740807
I hope you get the answers you're looking for. God bless.
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Avatar_f_tn
you have 3 children so i know lots of people that have been molested,i do know that some therapists are good some are not i myself am wary the mind can be open to suggestion so easy we have the 3 levels of the mind
conscious that is the one we have now
we have the subcocscious one that we can recall at will.
we have the unconscious that is the one that is deep down and we cannot recall at all but,it motivates our behavior also we  also have flasbacks of our youth but i do not know to many people that remember what they were doing at the age of 4 but if i were you and really have a problem with this try to get help are you sure you cant  just go on with life and change what you can if you cant then i do wish you all of the luck  also your family    jo     ps if you think that any of us help keep on writing or if yoiu want to e mail as friend e mail me if you think that will help at least i can listen    jo
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Avatar_f_tn
How about looking for a support group meanwhile until you can get to therapy?  Make sure it's one that feels comfortable though.  Also, talk to the pschy about your concerns, including the seemingly little ones like baby sitting, and your husband's lack of support.  You can do a lot on your own, but it really does help to have others to say it out loud to.  Eventually maybe your husband will see as you sort through it that this is impacting you - and therefore him - and you can get his support at least for babysitting??  You have a right to a few hours to yourself.  Actually I guess my support group suggestion doesn't work, when you can't get to therapy.  Even if you only go once or twice, they may have ways to stay connected with you through the phone, or coming over for lunch?  You can do this.  And you will feel much better after you've worked on it (but it does take time - be patient.)  i think I saw a professional therapist organization for offering services over the internet.  i thought that wasn't ideal, but it seemed legit (and not just a therapist or two).  That thinking your messed up for thinking this way - IS part of how this stuff works!!!  Everyone who deals with it feels that way, even if they do remember.  It's so weird that someone could do this to another person, that there's no way to think about it except to feel like you're detached from reality and must be insanely making things up.  (Eventually with work on it, that feeling does go away.)  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hope you feel good!  Have a good day!
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369020_tn?1198728553
Hello Minesia-

I'm sorry for all you have been through, this is something NO woman should have to live through! But I agree with suzieq87 move to a solution! It is possible no matter what the past. You cannot change what happened then, no matter how horrific it may have been, but you can change the present. You can make choices concerning your behaviors and actions and though your feelings may not follow at first they eventually will. It is not an easy process and if you believe in prayer I highly recommend it, but it is possible, I know, I am living proof. You have to go on though. I don't mean to sound hard but it is just like abuse, you have to walk away and not look back.... good luck.
hugs
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405820_tn?1205276548
I don't know if i went threw what you did,but I have strange memories too. Just be strong and know yourself first
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