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What should I do?
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What should I do?

I'm twelve years old. I used to live with my mother and father and my half brother came to visit every once in a while. Whenever my brother wasn't home it was hell. My father was constantly beating me and my mother but only where it could be hidden up by a sweatshirt or jeans. He forced me to do things that were awfull and if I tried to fight back he'd just beat me. Sometimes I wasn't even aloud to go to school! This happened to me and my mother. He sexually, mentally, and physically abused us. One day my mom tried to fight back for both of us and my father got really angry... My mom now basically lives at the hospital and has for about 2 years. My dad is in jail and I live with my 29 year old brother. I cry all the time now just thinking about it. I don't even know what to do sometimes. The things my father said to me I still think about and sometimes a agree. I've been to therapy and everything but it's just not enough I don't know what to do!!! I'm thinking about killing myself I've fought long enough and I'm ready for everything to be gone. What should I do? Xoxo
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134578_tn?1404951303
If you are in therapy, good, if you are not, please go back.  The thing is, he was an evil man, and if you kill yourself, you are giving that to him, letting his evil go on in your own head.  He was wrong, he was bad, he was a liar, and he harmed you.  You deserve to be mad, furious in fact, but *he* doesn't deserve that you would give him your power so much so as to harm yourself.  Your way of fighting back is to refuse to give him any more power.
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Avatar_f_tn
you are doing the correct thing already coming on medhelp and searching for help.  talking about your problem in detail would allow you to cope with this problem.  I know how hard it is to deal with this situation.  You are doing an excellent job dont give up tooo fast i guarentee you will cope with this one day. It takes time to heal what your father had done to you and your mother.  Seeing what your father did to your mother was tramatizing enough for him to do the same to you. The guy i married used to beat me for any little reason but look at me im still here fighting with 4 kids now im not with him anymore.   It will be hard to find somebody who will understand and accept what you went through but i know there is somebody out there that can help you get through this.  I am here for you if you need to talk you could always write me at ***@****  anytime.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok thank you. I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself because my mom needs me. Both of your advice helped a lot. Thank you(:
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134578_tn?1404951303
I think you are very brave.  I am sorry that, at 12, you need to be.  Some 12-year-olds don't have to cope with things this big.  However, if it helps at all, some kids do have to cope with things this big or even bigger -- wars, health problems, even abuse that is ongoing and they have no clear way out.  I know that sounds like I'm saying "count your blessings," but I am not.  I'm saying that  knowing you are not the only person who has gone through hell can help you feel less alone.  Everyone has their garbage can of woes that they carry around, even people you look at and think "they don't have any problems."  So you are TRULY not alone.  

I have some other ideas, maybe they are off the wall but maybe not.  First, do stay with counseling.  When I had panic-attack issues, I was in counseling for many years (though it tapered to once a month as I got better) and I really counted on it.  I was able to talk about all the issues in my life as they arose, with her, and it was like having that warm, nonjudgmental mother you never had.  (LOL)  If your counselor was not good, you have every right to say you want another.  Your brother should be fighting to get you one and figure out how to cover the cost, and all.  Second, when something extremely traumatic has happened to you over a long period of time, another person to talk to who has gone through the same thing can be helpful.  You or your brother might contact some of the agencies who deal with survivors and see if there are any groups to communicate with, and/or there might be some online.  There have been high profile cases lately of young women kidnapped and held prisoner and subject to continuing sexual abuse and control, it is possible that if you google their names you might find reference to some kind of foundation that helps people who have gone through this kind of trauma.  Finally, do understand that this is not anything that goes away overnight.  You were basically in the hands of a madman for a long time, and were also forming your opinions of what the world was like at the same time, and it will take a long time (like peeling back the layers of an onion) to get back to the sweet boy that didn't have any worries, who is inside you at your core.  Keep at it a little at a time.

All the best, I think there is a special place in the deepest pit for someone who harms a child.  You did not deserve it and you can get better and overcome him by doing so.
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134578_tn?1404951303
I meant "that warm, nonjudgemental mother that I never had," nothing about *your* mother was meant there.  :)  Take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you sooo much
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134578_tn?1404951303
No problem, I hope I didn't offend when I said "sweet boy," if you are a girl.  I looked at your profile and it said girl, but not until after I typed my note above.  Take care of yourself, and let others do so too, and with time, it will get better.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I was sexually abused for ten years as a child.  I'm 28 now and HAPPY.  Well, happier ;) I'm writing to tell you that it does get better and not to give up!  But you have to stay in therapy.  If your therapist isn't helping anymore, try others.  Especially tell them about your suicidal thoughts.  Talk it out.  You'll be surprised how much voicing those ideas can help you to cope with them.  I know sometimes it seems worse before it gets better, but if you just breathe and stick it out I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER!!!  When you're feeling down, try not to dwell on the things you can't control, cause that will drive you crazy.  Try to find something that will make you happy or bring you some joy, especially in times like that.  It could be a book, a movie, a hobby, a mantra-anything constructive and positive.  Best to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you(:
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