I am a 27 year old female, in a loving relationship with one child. For years now I have been emotionally abused by mother and it has only been recently that I am coming to terms with this. I have suffered and suffer from GAD this is down to my childhood, through abuse with my mother, domestic violence and sexual abuse by my grandfather, (my mothers father, who also abused my mother). I would like to know why my mother does not bother much with my son, there is no bond there at all, and she questions my mothering skills on a regular basis.
My son idolises his Grandma, which makes me feel very very hurt, but also at the same time I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of this, and think why she could do this to an innocent young child. I have tried for many years now to build a normal relationship with my family for the sake of my son following all of the trauma that has happened I always seem to seek re-assurance from my mother but I have come to terms with the fact that I will never get this from her, but I do not want my son to experience the same treatment as what I have done over the years.
I live very close to my mother, so I find it hard to keep her at arms length from my son, and wonder what is the best thing all round for a happy healthy future and childhood for my son.
Your mother has experienced major trauma as a child due her fathers abuse of her. She has never dealt with it as yet, as it is a very scarey issue for her to even consider. Still the trauma is within her, physically, psychically, emotionally, sexually. Until your mother is ready to make that step and get help, counseling, the trauma will always knaw at her distructively. She suffers horribly, physically and mentally.
You were abused very likely because your mother never grew up beyond the moment she was abused the first time. She hasn't been able to grow up into a happy, mature woman who loves herself and everyone in her life that has ultimately come through her....you. And now your son. She felt powerless to protect you from her father. I know that is very painful for her too. She feels a great deal of anger and hatred of her father, herself, her mother. She has never learned what genuine love is really about. Sexual and physical and emotional and psychic abuse are no expressions of love. It is a display of selfish power one takes over his or her victim, usually a defensless child or person. It is unexcusable vicious behavior.
Rather than hating your mother for her inability to be a mother to you and a grandmother to your son I suggest that you search around, through your church, community, school, volunteer services, Big Brothers & Big Sisters Organization, or even a best friend who has a mother with an open heart to be your "odoptive" mother and grandmother. Your little boy does not deserve to be abused by your mother too or he will grow up with emotional problems. He needs to know he is your number one in life, that you love him all, that you will protect him from abusiveness throughout his life. He must learn healthy self esteem, around healthy people.
Whenever your mother wants to see him, you need to make it clear under what rules she must behave toward him, and you remain in his presence to see to it that she follows through. If she refuses, then you choose somebody else to be his Grandmother. Remember. Grandmother's aren't Grandmothers through blood. They must earn that right to be Grandmother, whether they are a blood relative or other.
You are the one who must take control of the reins in your and your son' s life. You must set boundaries that give and show him protection, love, care, right and wrong.
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