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Avatar universal

Will this ever end?

I was repeatedly and regularly sexually abused from the ages of one to six.  I was molested and raped.  The abuse was horrible and violent.  My attacker was my step-father who told me in graphic detail all the horrible things he would do to my mother if I ever spoke out.  To prove it he shoved my mother's hand onto a hot element on the stove right in front of me when I was four.  

Now I'm all grown up and I'm doing all the right things.  I have talked to the police.  I talked to my doctor.  I'm on an anti-depressant, I go to therapy for two years now.  I love away from home and have a good support system.  

The problem is I can't have a relationship.  I cannot trust a man.  I can not be touched.  I am still angry and I cannot let go.  I hurt all the time.  I think the smallest joke means someone is a potential abuser.  I cannot have sex.  I cannot even come close and I am still a sexual person and want to be able to have sex.  

I just want to not be robbed of a good adulthood because I was robbed of a good childhood.  Please, please help.
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Avatar universal
You have sadly been traumatized. Your mind is trying to protect you from being hurt again. There is professional help and treatment (cognitive behavioral trauma based therapy) that can make a BIG difference and help you find safe ways to connect with a partner. Seek it out for yourself sooner rather than later. Sorry you had to go through that awful time. Best of luck.
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Avatar universal
Abuse changes one primary thing inside of us; it silences our personal voice.  What we think ceases to be our own thoughts and becomes the voice of our abusers....we can't get away from it.  I started my own healing by taking time every day to "listen" to myself...like I would listen to a best friend.  I allowed myself to vent my fear and anger, without judgment or any attempts to fix anything.  It is a kind of meditation - if you can relax enough to really feel the little knots and bubbles in your chest and belly, you can give them voice.  I know it sounds strange, but those feelings you have - the knot in your chest, butterflies in your tummy, the rock in your throat - are there for a reason.  They are trying to tell you something - all you have to do is listen.  Let the voice in your head go - let is speak without interruption.  It can't be right or wrong, good or bad, it just is, and letting it speak does wonders. I discovered a lot about myself with this little practice.  Of course, it doesn't replace good therapy, but I really believe in the power for us to heal ourselves.  I know this sounds weird, and I wish I could describe it better!  I hope that it helps though....somehow.  Best of luck to you; you will be okay.

Also - it's hard to find someone who can actually understand where you are and the pain you feel.  That's not always a bad thing.  We need people who encourage us to live without that negativity.  Of course, if you being sad becomes a bad thing that causes him to be angry/upset/pushy - it's time to let him go.
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Avatar universal
How did you know you were being molested at age one?  Can you remember that far back?  I can't remember my child hood barely.  just bits and pieces.  I think my father might have molested me but i can't remember, but i have the same STD he has and i had tears and bleeding.  i'm skepitical and am now looking for answers.  
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Avatar universal
Until you open up and deal with the emotional and mental scarring of the past you will never be able to have a relationship. Any and every man will ultimately be a villian. You will always be super-vulnerable and as a consequence very protective and fearful. You can't experience love or even good sex under those circumstances. Try to see a counselor who is interested in healing you not creating more resentment or a political agenda in you. You will need to overcome the sins of another. No matter what the justice system does to the perp you will still have to heal yourself. I went thru a similar thing and I am still healing myself. The culmulative consequences over the years have been tremendous...all because I did not want to talk or trust anyone other than my brother. I am now dealing with it. Unfortunately in my case the perp died not long after I was abused. So I did not get any satisfaction. I do know that these perps justify their actions to themselves and have no control over themselves. This may sound wrong but as a victim I had to forgive and I feel sorry for these sick beings. Also unfortunately I allowed my sickness caused by the perp to negatively affect other people. It is like a spreading virus.
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299889 tn?1257339377
Just know that when the right person comes along and you feel it might be right, pray about it and open up yourself to the emotions, good or bad, let them happen, deal ith them, don't run, work thru them, journal, whatever it takes, leave the past behind as that is where it belongs, don't focus on tommorrow, just today, it is all you have, all anyone has. You deserve a good relationship, you are worthy of it.  Relationships play a big part of our lives, especially a partner relationship.  With the right partner, it allows us to walk thru life with a sense of security and love.  It is a good thing with the right person,  Do we ever know who the right person is?  We feel it, we fear it but we learn to deal with the new emotions of love and trust. Good luck
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Avatar universal
I was the victim of abuse and molestation when I was a young boy and then again a few years later.  Additionally, my father would get violent with me after we would come home from a family outing and he had drunk too much.  It wasn't until many years later that the memories of the abuse had surfaced.  I can relate to your frustration on when will this get better.  I had the feeling of hitting a brick wall in dealing with the bitterness, anger, shame and fear.  I had made the decision, at a young age, that no one could be trusted, including my parents.  My fear was continuous (24/7) and I did not know why.  The turning point for me was making the realization that my body and my person (my ideas, opinions, thoughts, etc) were mine to own and I could choose to share with those that I wanted to share with.  The point is that now you are in a better position to state who is trust worthy and who is not, and even more importantly, you have the choice to allow poeple in.  You did not have this choice when the abuse was perpetrated against you.  This helped me in opening up little by little.  I realized that not everybody wanted to destroy me.  I realized that it was possible that someone might be able to love me (I still struggle with this point at times).  I did not make myself believe this at first, but only to recognize that it was possible.  This point did not come easy and I am not suggesting that you should be ready for this now.  I am only saying what made a big impact on me and allowed me to start to make changes in how I viewed the world and people around me.  Most importantly, it started to allow me to see myself with value.
I hope this helps somewhat.  I wish you the best in this struggle and will pray for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have some patience with yourself.  You have a very rough time...many people would be a complete basketcase after that (including mutiple personalities.)  Try to smile is good just to remind your body and mind that it's still possible.  However, it takes time to heal deeply from this kind of thing.  What does your therapist say about the time?  If you don't feel like you are moving forward in almost every session, or like it's just taking too long - if your therapists answer don't satisfy, or you have to "convince" yourself that it's okay - then it's good to talk with some other therapists.  You can do one time consults on the side and see what it feels like.  You may need to switch people, or it may help you know how long and how well the process works.

A powerful book is "The courage to heal".  I'm not sure if it will be good for you since it has much support and ways to healing.  However, it is powerful, and tends to confront and bring up the experiences as you read it - so it may not be time yet for it.  However, even just the exercises may be helpful.

You can get your adulthood back and have a good life!!!  Many others have done it before you!!!

It does take time and work, but you sound so strong.  You can get there, and if the help you have isn't helping enough - keep looking.  You deserve it.  

Also, if this boyfriend isn't supportive - he may not be the right one for you.  Often there is someone out there who makes you feel good - as you are - and makes it possible to move forward more.  It may be hard to image leaving him, but do keep the door open to the idea that a partner can meet your needs too.

All the best!!!
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Avatar universal
My step father was not punished.  He is considered a person of interest, but there will be no charges.  After speaking with the police and a lawyer i realized that no judge would give a guilty verdict on my word against his.  I don't want to put my self through that.  I can't even be in the same room without puking.  

Tonight my boyfriend is sitting in bed while I am typing at the desk.  He said yesterday that he thinks I'm far too negative all the time.  I want to tell him how bad t hurts right now, that I was crying before, I want him to hold me and tell me it will be okay, but he needs time when I'm not sad so tonight I'm lying.  

My mother, good question, my mother is severely mentally ill and I have taken care of her all my life.  Right now she is my brother's responsibility until he moves out and then I'm not sure what.  She didn't know what was happening to me because she didn't know what was going on at all.  She has been a drug user and an alcoholic all my life.  I don't blame her, but I can't say it doesn't hurt.  I don't want to give up speaking to my family because my mother and brother are the only family I have and I care for my brother very much.  I raised him and I'm very proud of him.  He's a good kid.  I can't sever that connection.

You know I keep hoping that everything will be okay, and most days I smile and laugh at mundane things.  I'm sure if you saw me you couldn't pick me out of a crowd, it's just that some days, at the end of the day I just don't have the energy that it takes to believe that I will really ever be happy or in a normal relationship, or just average even.  I get tired, and then I get sad, and then I don't really do anything except become numb because I don't have the energy to think, to be sad, to pretend to be happy, to try to be happy, not even to be angry or to mourn for what I lost.  
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Avatar universal
I really do wish that i had the ans for you first i am going to say how sorry i am i know this is so inadeqate but i do think that you can get around it keep on with the therapist also maybe someone will come on the column that has had this problem,also i want to ask has your step dad been punished for this . also i dont know how your mother kept from knowing this id she does not maybe even talking with her may help if there is anything i could do or say i would this saddens me for one so young to have gone thru this if you are strong enough maybe talk it through with someone you trust i feel so helpless but godbless you and i will say a prayerfor you and please dont give up hope for a more normal life. if it makes you feel better please keep writing      lots of luck to you   if you want to e mail me i think you click on my profile i am new at the computer hang in there girl try to think of nicer times that you have had if possible      lots of luck   jo



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