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abnormal acts
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abnormal acts

i'm a 21 year old male trying to figure out  my sexuality that i believe was affected by my frequent sexual acts with another male friend (same age).This started way back in my childhood years and continued until around 14 years of age.
quite frankly i curse every day of my life now for not having a normal childhood/teenage life . also i must admit that the blame on who started this is something that i've been trying to know since then.As a child i found it to be perfectly normal i think and kept this a secret between us.Now i feel like i was abused and i've lost total confidence(considerably low self esteem)  in myself in all aspects of daily life and more specifically in pursuing my higher studies.plz help!!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for sharing.  Is it the guilt that bothers you more, enough to keep you from your studies?  Or is it the confusion over what you felt/feel now?

Was this what made your whole childhood abnormal?

Accepting yourself as being imperfect and that as a child you would not know the entirety of how you would be as you grew older.  

What made you stop at 14?

Have you forgiven yourself?

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Avatar_m_tn
really appreciate ur reply.
to answer ur first question yes the guilt of having acquainted with that guy and to have lived all those years actually enjoying it.. is the greatest guilt i cannot get over with.
the feeling now i must say is very gay and i always think of how my life would have turned out normally (that is --'i wish i were straight').
i do agree that as a child i was blissfully ignorant but doesn't really help.
At around 14 my parents moved to new locality so we never met thereafter. obviously as i matured i realized the magnitude of what had happened,but at the same time i acquired a sort of addiction on masturbation that i'm at present trying to ware off.
And finally the question of forgiving never arose coz i feel like  i'm the victim here.
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Avatar_m_tn
hi!!!!!!!!
u know it would help if you would reply to my answer, because i was really looking forward for it.
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Avatar_f_tn
:-0...I sent a friend invite to discuss it personally.  Maybe you didn't see it.

If you are looking more than one direction (meaning wondering whether life would have been different if this had not have happening while acknowledging feeling gay), you can take time to explore what it is you really want.

Guilt comes from various sources but ultimately from our accepting it within and letting it direct our choices.  Some think by leaving culture or family that the chains will be gone, but it is our working through it to find acceptance of what it is we want to do.  You make the choices for you now and tomorrow.  As far as guilt in childhood, there are many who believe that there is an age of accountability that comes later and that is when one is held accountable for what they choose.  

It sounds like you have other challenges at present with the studies and masturbation.

Masturbation is a private affair unless you invite others in....how you do that is your choice (fantasizing, voyeurism, etc.).  If it is taking over, you are taking a step in the right direction by admitting it as well as seeking to lessen the amount of time spent doing it.  As you forgive yourself and let go of the "victim" aspect, you will be able to enjoy other endeavors and focus on them.  It sounds like the past is stealing your peace and draining your energy to be creative with other things.

Forgiving yourself is important and forgiving the person who you had the relationship with.  The fact that this person was the same age puts him in the same category as far as being a child, not a predator.  If he was holding something over you to blackmail or manipulate you, it would be another story as well as if he was an adult when it began.

As far as your sexual orientation, that is yours to decide....you will know.  As difficult as it may be to say, wondering the "what if's" of the past may be  sabotaging your present.  

I wish you the best is learning to live with yourself and having success to enjoy life in whatever forms you choose that are healthy and safe.
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Avatar_m_tn
thanks a million!! i'll do my best
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Avatar_f_tn
I am pulling for you (cheering you on) :-))))
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757137_tn?1347200053
Obviously this was not a case of abuse. Young boys are often confused sexually at that young age, and can fall into that kind of relationship if it is offered. What may be of more importance might be unease about your sexual orientation. Now that you are an adult do you prefer men or women? Whatever the answer is, accept it and get on with your4 life. The past is the past.
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