i'm a 21 year old male trying to figure out my sexuality that i believe was affected by my frequent sexual acts with another male friend (same age).This started way back in my childhood years and continued until around 14 years of age.
quite frankly i curse every day of my life now for not having a normal childhood/teenage life . also i must admit that the blame on who started this is something that i've been trying to know since then.As a child i found it to be perfectly normal i think and kept this a secret between us.Now i feel like i was abused and i've lost total confidence(considerably low self esteem) in myself in all aspects of daily life and more specifically in pursuing my higher studies.plz help!!!!!
really appreciate ur reply.
to answer ur first question yes the guilt of having acquainted with that guy and to have lived all those years actually enjoying it.. is the greatest guilt i cannot get over with.
the feeling now i must say is very gay and i always think of how my life would have turned out normally (that is --'i wish i were straight').
i do agree that as a child i was blissfully ignorant but doesn't really help.
At around 14 my parents moved to new locality so we never met thereafter. obviously as i matured i realized the magnitude of what had happened,but at the same time i acquired a sort of addiction on masturbation that i'm at present trying to ware off.
And finally the question of forgiving never arose coz i feel like i'm the victim here.
:-0...I sent a friend invite to discuss it personally. Maybe you didn't see it.
If you are looking more than one direction (meaning wondering whether life would have been different if this had not have happening while acknowledging feeling gay), you can take time to explore what it is you really want.
Guilt comes from various sources but ultimately from our accepting it within and letting it direct our choices. Some think by leaving culture or family that the chains will be gone, but it is our working through it to find acceptance of what it is we want to do. You make the choices for you now and tomorrow. As far as guilt in childhood, there are many who believe that there is an age of accountability that comes later and that is when one is held accountable for what they choose.
It sounds like you have other challenges at present with the studies and masturbation.
Masturbation is a private affair unless you invite others in....how you do that is your choice (fantasizing, voyeurism, etc.). If it is taking over, you are taking a step in the right direction by admitting it as well as seeking to lessen the amount of time spent doing it. As you forgive yourself and let go of the "victim" aspect, you will be able to enjoy other endeavors and focus on them. It sounds like the past is stealing your peace and draining your energy to be creative with other things.
Forgiving yourself is important and forgiving the person who you had the relationship with. The fact that this person was the same age puts him in the same category as far as being a child, not a predator. If he was holding something over you to blackmail or manipulate you, it would be another story as well as if he was an adult when it began.
As far as your sexual orientation, that is yours to decide....you will know. As difficult as it may be to say, wondering the "what if's" of the past may be sabotaging your present.
I wish you the best is learning to live with yourself and having success to enjoy life in whatever forms you choose that are healthy and safe.
Obviously this was not a case of abuse. Young boys are often confused sexually at that young age, and can fall into that kind of relationship if it is offered. What may be of more importance might be unease about your sexual orientation. Now that you are an adult do you prefer men or women? Whatever the answer is, accept it and get on with your4 life. The past is the past.
Copyright 1994-2016 MedHelp International. All rights reserved.
MedHelp is a division of Aptus Health.
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.