Abuse Support Community
controlling boyfriend
About This Community:

This community is for discussions relating to emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, spousal, and verbal abuse. Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

controlling boyfriend

Hey, I'm a 15 year old girl and I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. At the start of this relationship we were perfect. Everything just seemed perfect in any way possible. However, Over the course of this relationship, he has started to get controlling. I never noticed this before but now I think he definitely is.  I have tried to end the relationship quite a lot of times before without any outcome. However one time in March this year, I broke up with him for a week but it didn't last. The problem im having here is that he is now extremely controlling. One minute he's perfect and amazing but the next he is argumentative, telling me what to do, who to see, where to go, what to wear... he also doesn't let me post on Instagram or Snapchat (both social media) and he doesn't let me have facebook. I have got Twitter but as soon as he found out he went in a huge mood with me and said I was breaking his heart by having it, and every time I asked for a reason why he just changed the subject or said "i don't know!!!". He is really getting me down and it's really impacting my life. He doesn't let me stay at friends houses, go to parties... he even tries to get me to speak in a certain way! ( I have been brought up to speak in not very good English and he has a massive issue with this) I need to break up with him  but whenever I go to break up with him he threatens to kill himself, that he has no other reason to live. He also threatens to cut himself, I think he does this because he knows I have a past of this.. almost like blackmail because he knows how much it affects me. Please, I need some body's help and fast i went to his house before and spoke to him about the problems im having and he seems to understand but it isn't going to last very long. Please, any advice will be brilliant and much appreciated.
- Paige x
10 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
134578_tn?1433306113
Hm, well, you do know that he doesn't have the right to run your life.  I think his manipulation (or attempted manipulation) with threats of suicide or cutting might be true or they just might be manipulation.  Don't you have a trusted adult to talk to about all of this?  You could stand to hear, from someone you love and think gives good advice, that even if your boyfriend goes through with some of his threats to harm himself, it is HIS choice and not yours, and that you did not "do" it to him.  He is the one deciding what to do to himself, in a bid to rule you.

Regarding the English, decide for yourself on that one.  In my world, we strive to use all the languages we learn in the correct way, since it can hold us back in working with others in those languages if we don't have it correct, and sometimes if a person does not speak a language well he or she can be unfairly judged to be less intelligent or not given a chance.  I would not refuse to work on my English just because I was insulted that my boyfriend kept telling me it was wrong, but if you decide to, do it for yourself, not because it bothers your boyfriend.  (Or, I should say, your soon-to-be-not boyfriend.)

Please take his bullying and controlling seriously.  Women are killed by their partners every day.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thankyou. I have confided in my closest friend and she just kept telling me to tell him everything, but I'm a very forgiving person and I can't really stand up for myself so when he says these things about hurting himself it scares me and I obviously comfort him therefore me running back to him and him getting what he wanted... thankyou very much though :)
Blank
134578_tn?1433306113
A close friend is not probably an adult?  Why not try talking to an aunt or uncle, or to a minister or counselor?  Kids at 15 are not children but they are not adults either, as seen by you being so easy for him to manipulate.  An adult (especially one experienced with this) would be able to help you have things to say to yourself in your mind that will keep you balanced when dealing with someone this imbalanced.  You could actually be likely to find a good person to talk to at a domestic violence center or hotline.  
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
This boy is no friend of yours. He's using you and playing head games with you because somewhere somehow he's likely had poor male female relationships modeled to him, or he's been mistreated, or he's been spoiled and has learned to be manipulative by being so. It's all wrong for you. It's a compete waste of your time, If you were married, it would be suggested to you that you give him an ultimatum that he seek professional help , and learn relationship tools, with you (and your kids) at a safe distance. If you stay, he will likely start to become physically abusive if you do not comply with his every wish.

You've left before, but go back into the relationship. This could be because you have seen women accepting degrading treatment and staying involved.

Is there any male/female relationships in your life that has been modeled for you that has trained you to accept sub par treatment. ? The reason I ask is this. If that is the case, it's often necessary for you to get to the bottom of it, in order to make a change within yourself.

I would have to say, that you should a) talk to your mom or a trusted female role model that you know , knows that this type of relationship is wrong. You could ask for their support, so that instead of allowing yourself to be manipulated, you could call them instead, and regain your composre and resolve.

Might as well go for a soda
Nobody hurts and nobody cries

Might as well go for a soda
It's better than slander, it's better than lies

You could also talk to a guidance counselor if this doesn't get resolved before school starts, but you really should tell your parents about him threatening suicide. That's an aggressive threat of physical harm. Maybe he'll harm you , instead of himself.?

You need to understand the gravity of continuing to play games with this mentally ill young man.

We're always here to talk,. Keep the lines of communications open.
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
One evening, an elderly
cherokee brave told his
grandson about a battle that
goes on inside people.

he said "my son, the battle is
between two 'wolves' inside us all.
one is evil. it is anger,
envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.

the other is good.
it is joy, peace love, hope serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."

the grandson though about
it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather:

"which wolf wins?..."

the old cherokee simply replied,
"the one that you feed"
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
My first boyfriend treated me like a queen. He was truly my best friend. He always put my feelings first, he never made me feel like i was being used, and truly cared about my day to day life. We ended up working together after school, around your age at a marketing research company,  and rode around together with friends, on motorcycles, going to parties, parks, pools, libraries, cinemas, shopping, camping at his cottage, watching tv (mash) mowing the lawn, having dinner with his family, enjoying close relationships with his siblings, school dances, sports, etc. etc.

It was a lot of fun, find someone capable of this type of relationship, and whether you stay together throughout college and beyond , or not, you'll forever have love in your heart thinking back. This is what you DESERVE.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thankyou so much, I appreciate it x
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
Your very welcome dear women., If you ever need to talk anything out, please, open up here and let us know how you are and what you are feeling. No need to ever be alone, when you have friends a moment or two away,

It would be really good, if you came back here and worked out what's happening with this boy, on this thread. It's NOT easy giving up on a first love ,that you've been together with for so long.

I'm glad that we gave you some food for thought, but it will take action on your part, and bravery to move forward on your own, and be accountable to yourself. To do the right thing for yourself,. So it's stands to reason, that if you do make those moves, it would be good for you to continue on and talk about what's happening, so that you are no so alone moving forward.

This is where the child and the women come into play. It is your move. You hold all the cards. It' would be criminal if you continued to be bombarded with negativity at the time in your life when you should only surround yourself with people that want to be healthy and want you to be healthy.

Think about it? please let us know how you are.
Simply, we care about you and your circumstances. and we want the best for you, not some reject relationship that will only get worse.

You really DO deserve more. It's not just a statement that should be lost on you as to the real meaning. You deserve the best type of partners, and the best life you can have. You won't get it hanging or hiding behind this boys shirt tails. Be brave and tell this soul to move on, you're surrounded by all the souls of all the ladies that fought against misogynists and slavery and abuse. All those souls in heaven that FOUGHT FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS ARE ROOTING FOR YOU, and a whole lot of live ones too!!! You're not alone, so don't forget us moving forward, let us know how you are. If so, soon you'll be telling us about a boy that deserves your love and loyalty and be on your way to being able to concentrate at school, and planning your college experience. Somebody like this boy is not going to let you have a "normal" life experience. Take heed, and run.
Liz
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thankyou so so much for all your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate it and how much you have helped me. Yesterday I did actually break up with him, and although he didn't accept it at first, I think his parents spoke to him about what he was doing and eventually he accepted it. I must admit I do still think about him and what he is doing and occasionally feel quote bad, but I remember what he did and out me through then realise that it's for the best and now I can concentrate on the more important things in life rather than boys like my schoolwork.
Once again thankyou so so much, I will never forget your advice and strong, inspirational words.
Thankyou again,
Pxige13 x
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm so glad Pxige13x that you did break up with him. Yeah, you're education is the thing that will set you above the fray , so to speak. I'm glad that you read what i had to say about what a first boyfriend should look like to you. Now you know to be aware of "red flag" There is no use wasting your good energy on something going nowhere, better you just concentrate on getting that B+ at school, or volunteering and saving rescue animals (when you're old enough). You DO have SO much to look forward to.

Please remember me, and message me if you ever want to talk about anything at all, okay?
You're in my thoughts and prayers young lady.
Keep up the good work looking after YOU. Do that, and find someone doing the same thing as you. Some boy whose very interested in their own education and goals. That will be GOLDEN for you, I promise. The good man that you'll end up with , is right now, doing the right things in his life to get ahead. You'll meet up soon enough.

You might have to kiss a lot of frogs until then, just be sure it's just one kiss..and walk on anything that doesn't smell right....lol
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Abuse Support Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
Marathon Running Done Over Many Yea...
May 21 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Article on Multifocal IOL vs &q...
May 21 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
748543_tn?1371753642
Blank
TMJ/TMJ The Connection Between Teet...
Jan 27 by Hamidreza Nassery , DMD, FICOI, FAGDBlank
Top Relationships Answerers
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other
14757565_tn?1438305224
Blank
Grace313
PA
4851940_tn?1385441629
Blank
jemma116
United Kingdom