emotional abuse by daughter

[SBGirly]

I read lots about abusive mothers.  Daughters who have to deal with mothers who are heartless, critical, alcoholic, verbally mean, and on and on.  It's horrible.  But what about the mothers who have daughters like this?  We do exist, you know.  But you don't see posts about us much.  My daughter is one of these daughters.  I read these posts and I wish I had a daughter like the ones who post on here.  These girls who cry out because they have such dysfunctional mothers seem to be so productive, educated, trying, and obviously in pain.  My daughter is now 35 and she has been in jail twice, has been a drug addict...now supposedly sober......has had a child at 20 who she could not support and left with a bunch of people to take care of...until he finally was taken away from her.  I raised my daughter myself until she was 7.  Her father moved away, and never paid a dime to me for her.  I worked my tail off to make sure she had everything.  Then I remarried when she was 7.  He was a wonderful step dad to her and gave her everything.  Camps, great schools, clothes, toys, vacations just for her.  She was hell to raise.  Always in trouble.  NOt very empathic.  NO conscience to speak of.  Anyway....she is like from another planet.  No one would believe she is my daughter.  Her friends and culture are as far away from mine as the North Pole.  She dropped out of high school.....my family is all educated.  She has all friends with jail records.  My family is all successful and productive.  My family has No alcohol, no abuse, no crime....just normal old "baggage."   Why did she turn out like this?  Well, they say you can't pick your parents.  But you also can't pick your children or predict how they will turn out.  Unlike extreme religious people, or some rigid psychology academics believe, this is not anyone's fault, and not from a lack of love, good environment, or abandonment.    And please, whoever responds to this don't bother responding if it's going to be  "go to church".....and spare me the god stuff.  This is about personality disorders folks and no church in the world is going to change that or kiss it and make it better.  The thing is,  a parent with a child like this has no outlet.  You can't divorce your child.  You are in for a life of pain.  And a child with an emotionally stunted mother is just as bad off.  I feel very bereft about this.  I know how painful these girls feel because I, too,  am missing out now on so much joy I should be having, and could be having.  I have no friends with daughters like this.    I am never going to know what the "joy" is all about in having children.    To all the girls out there who post on here about their awful moms.......I am so sorry for you.  My advice is don't let it spoil your good nature.  You are not to blame.  You must protect yourself and not expect too much.  For any moms out there with daughters like mine..........I say the same.  If you need them out of your life.......no one blames you...at all.  Try to find a surrogate.  You know, most kids will do that on their own   when they are missing a parental figure in their life.  They will find one....to replace them ...somewhere.  It may be the mailman........but they will look for a mom, or a dad, somewhere, like they have a dousing stick for a mentor.  So, if you are an adult child....with a lousy parent, you may benefit from that, too.  Maybe Big Sisters of America....maybe volunteering somewhere where there are mothers who lost children and would love to befriend a young girl.    There is a place out there for you where you can "get out of your own head and give to others" that will make you feel better and not so alone.  Seek and ye shall find.......and remember:  Don't ever UNDERestimate the power you have to change yourself..........and don't ever OVERestimate the power you have to change others.  I feel sorry for me...........and I feel sorry for you.  Best of the best to all of the readers on here who are hurting.

[SBGirly]

I',m not sure to whom you are referring when you say " you should have taken her to a therapist when she was young."  However, if you are referring to me, I spent thousands of dollars on therapists, and special summer "camps," for children with these problems  over a period of 6 years starting when my daughter was 11.  I took her to UCLA to be diagnosed  by the leading authority on children with ADHD at the time.  His prognosis?  Take ritalin, go to therapy and hope for the best, in a situation where the odds were totally against her.  So I don't know who you are speaking to when you ask why I did not do anything when she was young.    My daughter is now 37.  There were no spin-off comorbidities of ADHD with other names at that time.  No Borderline, No ASPD, no RA, none of these other "personality disorders" to pick from.  There was psycopathy, and ADHD in it's infancy (which was rare to see  in girls then)  and that's it.  I am just now seeing how many of these kids are out there, grown up.  They are still a source of grief to their parents.....many of whom are now raising their neglected grandchildren.  I did not have the option to do that.  My one and only grandchild was abandoned by my daughter, although she would never admit that.  Social services finally came and took the child away from the last person she left him with (who was calling me for money, and telling me my daughter was too busy partying to get a job and pay for the support of her kid).  Yes, I sent money.  For a while.  I don't know where the child is today.  He'd be 18.  I can't imagine he isn't in jail somewhere.  With his genetics, coupled with a repeatedly changing foster environment I am sure he, too, is a troubled young man.  The whole situation leaves me in a huge ball of pain.  To think my legacy to the world is this makes me irrevocably sad.  

[doll6]

She has gone through so much and I'm surprised that you did not take her to a therapist WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG AND CONFUSED. You tried your "best".

[benjimom]

set boundaries, you have done your best. It's up to her to make the most of her life now, not you. I work with a lady who does so much for her daughter (gives her money, provides daycare on her days off), yet her daughter treats her like garbage. You don't have to take that.

[Kate2210]

In regards to the add I my self was told I have adhd but would never do that to my parents I will admit when I was younger there was the ocassional ***** and gosh I felt so bad I would come streight out of my room and give her a big hug and say sorry! with my adhd it was untreated due to being allergic to the tablets! I am.20 now and have dont drink and am completely against drugs I have a father who walked out on us 6 years ago for our next door neighbour and now after a long time of trying to.forgive him for what he has done I will only see him 1 or twice a year due to him being (busy) and I have watch my mother try comment suicide by taking lots of tablets and drink alot! I feel this is the reason that I dont drink and hate being around people that are drinking! I would never use this as a excuse because I feel you are what you make of YOURself what I have been through has made me a better person and hey you can look at the glass half full or half empty! I thought you might like to hear my story.
Thank you
Kate

[kittycat1433]

Giving children everything they want is not a good idea!Kid's need to ge there butt's tore up with a good belt now day's spare the rod spoil the child.So she is grown now so that is out.I would tell her she is not to come around unless she can treat u with respect and if not ask herto leave tough love it won't be easy im sure but she need's to learn she can't treat u that way and if she keep's on just let her go until she figures it out for herself no one ned's that kind of stress from a grown women she is your daughter and u love her but that dosen't mean u like her and if i don't like someone and the way they treat me then i stay away from them and they stay away from me problem solved no respect no come over to visit or anything else.

[kenneltech]

I totally agree, love from a distance.  Do not take abuse from anyone, especially your own family.

[teko]

special needs people set aside, I still say this mother should not tolerate the abuse handed down by her daughter. The only choice she has is to either put up with it, or not. That choice is hers alone as well as the consequences of that choice. Sometimes no matter how you raise them, these things happen. I have also seen people raised in bad situations to grow up to be forgiving, loving, respectful individuals. So it just goes to sho that parenting only goes so far. IMO

[narla]

I suppose in a way I'm lucky my son hasn't run away,at least I know what he's doing,sometimes I wish I could do the tough love but I can't because I know it would push him over the edge and I'd never forgive myself.At least in my situation he does realise after his outbursts that he was wrong and is remorseful,so I'll just put up with the outbursts.Like I said he is very loving,just can't handle not keeping to a routine.It can be as simple as his car not starting,and he'll lose it until I can explain what we'll do to fix the situation.

Denise

[kenneltech]

Sorry it took so long to respond, but my daughter was diagnosed with ADD years ago and I believe she has a personality disorder, but she refuses to do anything about anything.  She won't address her ADD, she won't address how she is, she just won't address anything that has to do with her!  She blames the entire world for everything and anything that has ever gone wrong in her life, and since I was always the closest to her, I got the brundt of it.  She will never, ever admit she was wrong nor is anything ever her fault.  I've never seen anyone in such denial in my life, so I would say that she has some sort of personality disorder.

When she was in grade school, I was forever going to see the counselors because she would tell them such stories that even I couldn't believe it!  Once she told her teacher that the reason she couldn't get her homework done was because "her mother had different men come over every night!"  OMG!!  Was I embarrassed!  Then, she told them that her father put his whiskey in a coke bottle so no one would know he drank.  My husband has never even drank an entire can of beer in his life!  He's the straightest person I've ever met!  We tried everything, literally everything.  Finally, she just ran away when she got older and it's been downhill with our relationship ever since.

[allmymarbles]

I was talking to my step-grandson recently, whom I have known since he was a toddler. And we were talking about step-this and adopted-that. I told him the genes didn't matter much because we all gave birth to aliens. The only traits we can expect to recognize are shape and coloring. We are surprised, but shouldn't be, when a child has a fault that we don't have. Maybe a child from a very honest family lies and steals. It happens.

I am sorry it happened to you. I am also sorry you don't have a bunch of children so that you can know the joy of things turning out just fine.

[narla]

Thank You for clearing that up,life with Tourettes and Asperger is as hard for him as it is for us.

Denise

[teko]

Oh no sweetie, I am speaking in generalities and there will always be exceptions to that. I have a grandson with Aspergers and understand where you are coming from. But as a whole, I have seen children treat their parents in an abhorant way. The child has to understand the concept, of course they do, but if they do, they have no excuse. I am also talking about older and grown children and not one in the learning processes of life. I am sorry if it seemed I was speaking of your individual situation as I did not mean it to come across that way at all. Children with asperger for instance have no idea how their behavior affects someone else. He cannot be accountable because he lacks the ability to understand that concept. We are going thru similar situation with my 8 year old grandson.

[narla]

Life isn't black and white though and my son has been through years of counselling and was part of a university study,we have done everything to try and teach control in certain situations,so have child psychologists and psychiatrists, we have taken him to so many different doctors and counsellors for help over the last 20 years,nothing has worked at helping deal with a change in routine,So do we kick him out and turn our backs,I cannot and never will do this.As I've said when he has an outburst and then calms down and sees there is a solution he is very remorseful.

Denise

[teko]

I too can only speak from my own experiences. However with that said, love, conditional or unconditional has nothing to do with it. I would love my children no matter what, and they know that. What I will never do is lay down and be a floor mat for their every mood and whim. I cringe when I see a teenager call mom a btch, or tell them to go to hll. Love makes this kind of behavior acceptable? No, not in my book it doesnt and I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like that especially my own children. It was a job as a parent to teach my kids right from wrong. Then enforce it and not enable bad behavior. Even a person with a disorder knows right from wrong. . If they have a medical disorder, get help for it but do not allow them to use it as an excuse to treat others badly, regardless of who they are. Respect is a two way street. Not only on the part of the child, but also the parent as well. It goes both ways. If I walked into my daughters house and started running my mouth, how long do you think it would be before she asked me to leave? As she should.

[narla]

I understand my situation is different that was the reason I wrote for me and my situation in my reply.But the post above does mention a personality disorder so I wondered if this has been diagnosed.

To SBGirly
Has your daughter been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

Denise

[kenneltech]

I also believe in love unconditionally, and I do love my daughter unconditionally.  I don't think it is reciprocated, though, so I stay away.  Your circumstances are a little different, though.  Your sons is ill and we make concessions for that.  It's not like he just has anger issues and needs to deal with them and get help, he has an actual physical illness that affects him a lot in life, poor guy.  Had my daughter actually had physical conditions like this, I would definitely put up with her outbursts and she would be home now.  Unfortunately, that is not the case here.  God Bless you

[narla]

This is hard for me because I believe in unconditional love for our children especially if there is an underlying medical problem,my son has Tourette Syndrome,and Asperger he doesn't read peoples emotions to him life is black and white,he needs a routine to live by and if something upsets that routine it throws him into turmoil,He is 25 has worked from age 16 and is the most loving young adult you could meet,he is a devout christian is a youth leader at his church and tries to live by Gods word,but if something happens that is out of the norm it just throws him into chaos and he can't cope,and because I'm the one he knows he can trust I get the brunt of his agitation to put it mildly,he shouts,he swears and at times he will cry because of all the confusion he feels, now when he has settled down and we work out a way for him to get through a particular crisis he apologises and says he doesn't mean to lose it but can't help it,he still lives at home and I have always said my door will always be open for my children,do I just kick him out?he is not on medication because the side effects of what they wanted to put him on where horrific,a lot of his schooling I did at home because he found it hard to function in a classroom situation and children can be so cruel to someone who is a bit different.So to me and my situation unconditional love has always been my answer it's not easy at times but that's life.

Denise

[kenneltech]

Okay, I hear your cried of woe, and I have the exact same daughter.  And let me tell you, I cried and cried and asked her why she would treat her mother this way, and I couldn't understand it.  But it is what it is, she is abusive and NOT a nice person.  You CAN'T PICK YOUR KIDS!  So, stop enabling her.  Don't let her push you around, talk nasty to you.  Tell her to stay away and not to call you until she can treat you with some respect, and she may not call for a loooooonnnngggg time, but you need to teach her that YOU DESERVE RESPECT, and you certainly do not have it from her now.

I asked myself one day, "would I let anyone else treat me this way?" and of course, the answer was NO.  So, if I wouldn't let anyone else abuse me, why would I let the one person that I raised treat me this way, the one I love?  To get hurt even worse?  She needs some "tough love" and she is NEVER going to stop treating you the way she does until you make her realized you aren't going to take it and you demand respect and YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING, which is something, I'm sure, she forgot.  Trust me, she'll try every trick in the book, "please mom, I'm sorry," this after only about a week.  Don't fall into the traps.  She needs to straighten up, and face the facts, it may NEVER happen.  I've been estranged from my daughter for the last 4 years and that's the way it is.  I may not speak to her NOW when and if she calls or comes by, it depends on how she acts and what she says!  Good luck.  Oh, and as long as she see's your all upset and crying due to her treatment of you, she knows she's affecting you and she WILL CONTINUE, so "man up!"

[teko]

I am sorry to hear you are going thru this. I have three daughters. And I was a strict mother.  I am big on respect. I will accept nothing less and give nothing less. If they did this to me as adults, they would be out of my life. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but I mean it with everything in me. You have a right to not be treated in such a manner by anybody. And I mean anybody. Quit allowing it, period. As long as she can treat you in this way and you keep taking it, it will continue. She is an adult, not a child and it is time she started acting like it. Quit making excuses for her, there is help for personality disorders , and you must quit being part of the problem for anything to change. Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear.