father kissing and sleeping with daughter

I am in the beginning stages of a divorce that has been coming for MANY years.  Last year, my mother was visiting and witnessed my husband wake up my then 9-yr-old daughter from her sleep at 11pm in order to say goodnight.  He then proceeded to kiss her all over her face, neck, arms for several minutes.  Although we have 4 children, he has this special bedtime ritual that he performs only with her that last at least a half-hour every night and goes on until very late.  The last couple nights I decided I should check on them and noticed the door is being locked.  My husband opened the door but did not want me to come in.  I check on them again at 10:30pm and watched him dramatically praying over her for a very long time.  I checked again at 11:45pm and this time he was in bed with her.  I don' know what to make of this, but wonder if I should be talking to someone.  I think the fact that we're getting a divorce and my husband isn't sleeping with me anymore might have something to do with it, but then he has been engaged in the lengthy bedtime ritual for well over a year now.   Does this seem weird to you?

[April2]

You know, if it had been just that he was covering her faces with kisses, that'd be one thing. I've certainly done that as most parents, especially in play covered their faces with kisses, blew raspberries on their bellies, etc. However, there are several things in your post that's alarming.

1. He is only doing this with your 9 year old, not the other children
2. He's specifically waking her up late to do this instead of kissing her goodnight, saying prayers, etc. when she goes to bed.
3. He did not want you to come in. He's keeping this private or a secret
4. Finally, the most alarming is him locking the door.

You already have suspicions. I think your subconscious is picking up on what your mind doesn't want to face. Your husband has overstepped the boundaries here and you MUST step in and put a stop to it. You need to let him know that you will not tolerate him locking you out and that if he can't say his goodnights in front of you then he shouldn't be doing it at all. I'd also have a talk with your daughter, privately, and ask her how she feels about Dad's late night goodnight rituals. Assure her that she will not get in trouble no matter what she may tell you, and that no matter what she is the most important thing in your life and that it is your job as her mother to know if there's anything going on in her life that is troubling her and that all you want to do is protect her and take care of her. Keep reassuring her that there's nothing she could ever say or do that would change your love for her. If her father is indeed molesting her, then she will feel guilt and shame and think it's partly her fault. After your talk with her, if you still have your suspicions (and she has not reassured you), then your next step would be to take her out of that environment, document everything that has been said and done and take her to a doctor to get checked. Have that documented too. I'm assuming you have a lawyer since you're going through a divorce. Talk with him. Get legal advice from him. But be careful to not accuse or assume until you have enough facts to back things up.

I hope this helps. You must do whatever it takes to protect your daughter. She is just a child and cannot be expected to be able to handle all of this as an adult would. Please remember, you are her mother. She needs you now more than ever. I wish you the best.

[bytheocean]

Sweetheart think of what your reaction would be if a family member or a friend came to you with this same situation. There is a problem here weather or not he is "hurting" her he is still locking the door.
Something is going on. Perhaps you could try a nanny-cam? There cheap and no matter its worth it for her to be safe! If she is in public school they should have counselors at school and get her in there ASAP. I would not confront the husband , that way he cannot come up with a clever excuse for this behavior. I would put her in your bed until this is resolved or take the door off the hinges, whatever you have to do to make sure he is not alone with that child! Please do something, take it from someone who was that little girl everytime he does more damage mentally. Your are the only one that can save her. As April2 said get her into your doctor. This could be the start of a life long pattern of abuse for her, after all if daddy did it isnt it ok for my boyfriend/husband? No she needs you please help her. I hope this turns out to be a misunderstanding but, if you think something bad is happening then it most likely is. Locking the door? Thats just not right no matter what! Keep posting please so we know the 5 of you are alright.

bytheocean/shell

[Killerpain]

Ask your daughter.  Sounds too weird for me.  Why does a nine year old have a lock on her door?

[April2]

It's not at all unusual to have locks on bedroom doors. I think most houses are built with locks on all the doors although the differ as to the type of lock. Some have the kind that pushes in, some are the kind that turns on the handle. Our house has locks on all the doors including the bedrooms and bathrooms. We didn't put them in. The house was built that way.

[koukla29]

This is a very alarming situation and one that I would investigage thoroughly if I was you.  I think you already know there are boundaries being crossed here.  This is not normal and I would stop it now.  If nothing is going on, and your husband is just using your daughter's room as his own safe place, this still is not a good situation for her.  It causes unecessary grief and worry to her, and it interrupts her sleep.  She has to get up and go to school in the morning.  He needs to sleep on the couch.  The fact that he locks the door and has this "private time" with your daughter late into the night makes me suspect that there is something going on right under your nose.  You daughter is only nine and she does not know how to say no to her father.  Since you are in the other room, she may even think you are okay with what is happening.  Bottom line: kids are too young to manage uncomfortable situations involving adults.  Your daughter is not safe.  You have to protect her, and get him out of that room.  In addition, I would talk to her and have her examined by a doctor.  She needs you to be her advocate right now.  I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you.  Best wishes to you and your daughter.  

[layne2000]

No this is not normal behaviour........... far from it.
You must do whatever it takes and not let him do this again.
Also, have a talk with your daughter and ask her what he is doing.

Please please do whatever it takes but do not let him be alone with her ever again. x

[Blossom2]

Is everything OK? Please give us a word soon. I agree do not let father know. nanny cam room for proof. That way it is hard evidence. once you see evidence remove child from house. call authorites and have him locked up. If he find out you know, he may do something rash. Just look how many babies are taken from their moms because dad went bonkers. play it smart. he is capable of anything.! Dont think that oh he will never do such a thing..thats where many other mothers made same mistake. NANNY CAM IT!!!!

[AdisynGlori]

First of all I have to say if you have any love for that little girl, you will get pack your bags and hers along with the other children and get the heck outta dodge. Secondly, my father started abusing me when I was nine he would come into my room late at night and shut the door he is in prison now. Get her out get all your kids out dont listen  to his pleas for forgiveness if you have to wear ear plugs do it. if you dont open your arms to you daughter now and rescue her from this man Trust me when I say You will lose her forever.

[TimH2]

Save your daughter now and leave!!!  She will be scarred for life if he is sexually abusing her. Don't wait another minute. You are hiding your head in the sand and this could ruin your child's life. Please get help for her NOW.

[momma-of-3g1b]

When one has to ask "is this weird" it most likely is  

Its odd that you are having to ask this, canyouhlpme ~you know the answer

You and your family need serious help, i hope to God you seek it. For everyones sake.  


All the replies here have Very good advice, LISTEN to them.

good luck

[laura1977]

Well, if you feel something isn't right then why have you let it go on for a year?  Sounds like you are making something out of it now because you are going through a divorce with this man.  
Personally if that was going on with my daughters and my husband, it wouldn't take me a year to do something about it.  
I am shocked that you have waited a year though, because this is the main reason that kids continue to get abused, because the persons mate doesn't want to believe it, and it still continues to happen.  
You leave and you take your kids with you.  You waited a year yes, but now you have smartened up and now you must leave!  NOW!

[nastursim]

Why are you going back night after night to check. If you saw it happen ONCE why did you not IMMEDIATELY pull him up and question him, why continue to put your daughter in a questionable situation??? Are you not seeing it properly, ONCE is enough. STOP IT NOW. Kick his sorry arse out, before the divorce, take care of your daughter.

[tomd3187]

Your daughter is going to resent you at some point in the future because you saw the signs and did nothing.  Your husband is up to no good.

Don't be a fool, get those kids away from that guy today.

[Bo33]

Raise the issue and make a big stink...get  ur lawyer involved and law enforcement by the way,, I am in law enforcement.. visitation can be restricted but U better act on it...

[layne2000]

I know some of these replies may sound harsh (mine above included) but all of us are trying to make you see that this is far from nomal and must be stopped now!!!!
Your little girl will be mentally and possibly phsycally scarred and must be helped now.
She has no one else that can do this apart from you.... her mummy.

Please don't turn your back on your little girl.
Be brave and be strong she needs you. x

p.s. please come back and give us an update??
at least let us know your husband has gone and will not be left alone with your little girl again.
We are all here for you.xx

[jo929]

your question should be how can i help my daughter I think you know the ans in your heart. your daughter can talk  this should have been delt with when you first noticed it                            Madame

[ja2333]

Reading this honestly makes me want to cry, and reach out and get that little girl out of there. You are her mother, and ovbiously the only one she can count on right now. If you know or even think that this is going on...you have got to do something about.  I don't even know how a mother of four is writing asking for advice on a situation like this. This makes me so angry and sad at the same time. I know you must be disgusted and confused, but  think of if this was happening to you, what would you want your mother to do? Talk to her about it like was stated in the previous comments, put an end to it today. Please.  You are a wonderful mother im sure, and you can do it. Best wishes to your little girl.

[divorcedmomof2]

Towards the end of my marriage, on a few occasions I found my husband in bed with our 3 yr old daughter. I thought it was strange, and put my radar on.  Now we are divorced and my daughter is 6. I found out a month ago that she and our 3 yr old son sleep in bed with dad when they're at  his house (every other week). I spoke with him about this, telling him they are old enough and need to sleep in their own beds. After initially put up his defenses, he said he agreed and would no do it any longer. 2 weeks ago I found out from my daughter that our son sleeps in his own bed, but she still sleeps with him. She said he asks her to sleep with him.  What kind of message is that sending her? How will this affect her as an adult-"I don't want to let him down if I say know..." My exhusband does NOT like me to give him my opinions on things, so I feel like maybe the school counselor should talk with my daughter and then call him. ANy advice out there? Is anyone else out there dealing with something similar to this? I feel so helpless not knowing what is going on at my ex's house, not having any say in how he is choosing to raise them when they are with him (every other week). Help!

[SL345]

It's very common for parents to turn to their children during and post divorce for emotional support, especially at night when a lot of kids wind up in their parents bed, perhaps partly because it is comforting for the kids, but also as this thread points out because it helps the parents feel better, too. Also, keep in mind that people around the bed sleep in a family bed. The idea that our children MUST sleep alone is a very western notion. I would say that the best thing you can do for your children is to open up lines of communication with your ex-husband. If you've made your point to him about your daughter in his bed and she's not in any immediate physical danger, let it go for a while. Maybe if you guys can stay on good terms he'll be more open to talking to you about it down the road. Move on with your life and hopefully he will move on with his and fill the void that is so easily filled by kids and by each parent trying to impose their will over the other about how their ex is raising them. My two cents.

[divorcedmomof2]

Thanks for the response. My ex and I have actually always been on good terms overall, partially for the kid's sake, but mostly because we have nothing to fight about (anymore). Since I posted that comment I have had 2 very good conversations with him about the topic.  It was good to let him know how I feel about him sleeping with our daughter. I don't think anything "bad" is going on, however, we have 50/50 placement, and I feel that the more we can do to keep our routines alike, the better the weekly transitions will be for the kids. If they are sleeping on their own at one house, but not the other, there is confusion and struggles at bedtime.  Anyway, thanks again for the response. I feel much better about things since posting on 2/10.

[Arizonagirl]

You are a confused women, You need to tell your lawyer and start talking to a counsler. When my mom had suspition about me and My UNCLE, She started to talk to a counsler to know what to do about this situation. Although she didnt know who was doing these things to her daughter (me). Look for signs, You have definately got alot of signs here. Please do something NOW! Things can olny get worse. You do not want her to grow up thinking this is ok!
Let me give you an ex: I had trusted my Uncle very much and i did care about him. So yes it was easy for him to lure me in. I had thought at the time that everything was ok.
Basically she trusts her father. And she will do what he says.

So please, You know whats going on my mom Knew for YEARS becasue the same thing happened to her, she SAW the SIGNS!!!
There should be absolutly NO reason for him to lock that DOOR!!
I know this is a hard thing to deal with, BUT please dont think of yourself, THINK OF YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!! And what she is going through. If you havnt done anything yet, please do something NOW! AND dont yell at her to get it out of her. If she is like me(hopefully not) she wont tell you right away. because she loves her father. When it get time for her to date then she may start resenting him. LIke i did. By the time i turn 12 i had a boy (friend..)  and i wasnt even aloud to see him when my Uncle found. Anyways We are not here for me..

PLEASE GET HER OUT!! AND VIOLNCE IN NOT THE ANSWER!!!
YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP FOR HER! a NINE YEAR OLD!!!!
Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope everything gets better!

[Jen813]

What is wrong with you????  Yeah, there is probably something going on, and yes she needs to do something about it, but she came to this forum to get help and to vent and to ask questions.  Why in the world would she need someone to come in here and put her down???? She was asking for support, not to be beaten down.  Think before you post.  And you know what, she is a wonderful mother for wanting to get to the bottom of this and do the best she can for her daughter.  

To canyouhelpme

I hope that you have gotten things figured out.  You need to do what is right for your daughter.  She is going to need strength especially if something is going on and she needs to get it from you.  Protect her.  Get her out and get her the help she needs.  I hope that we can hear from you soon.  It's been so long since your first post.  If you get this let us know how you are doing.  

[ComputerGeek]

I am equally appalled at reading this.  However this was originally posted by CanYouHelpMe way back in September of 2007 and the OP hasn't made any comments since the original posting.  She may not have even seen any of these replies.  

But yeah - that is one messed up situation.  

[AnnaE]

EEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXcellent point. I read the original meeage, and thought it was Augustus again. I guess this message surfaced again because hggh responded to  "stupid *****."

I suspect the posting is not real--the OP never even came back into the dialogue, unlike Augustus.

[jo929]

I am thinking, that Agustus, was playing some kind of sick game, with the forumn, also am wondering, about Prince. the one that fell in love with a woman in the office. also if you go to bottom of page and go to No4 you will find one that posts My wife abuses me by Jetx, he got so much attention, and i really am thinking he was sort of enjoying it or another, cat and mouse game, I do think there are lots of people out there, that just wants to see what they can stir up, as no one can possibly not know what is happening to their children, unless they dont care,, and then to write and ask Does this sound weird to you? that is one reason i gave such a short ans to this, I do not believe her, as she never ans, and if she really wanted to know she would have answered this, sorry about my typing, i am new at typing even at my age we miss out on some things    luck to all  jo

[AnnaE]

The not answering made me suspicious. That is not to say that different and severe situation do not exist. Obviously they do.

That is why I told her that if she is resl, to get help. If she is real, that is the best outlet for her. If she is real, she can also write us again--but she wrote only once, a long time ago.

[jo929]

I guess, we will never know whether this post was real. as she never responed and most of ans were given in 07 mine included. we can all hope that if it was real she woke up  jo

[AlfTheAli3n]

Look again, the author has re-posted again.  I feel that from what I've read, their is still cause for concern.  I suggest you learn how to speak to your daughter about it.  Bring a doll or teddy, or even a picture, and talk about it, make it to be a friendly character.  Talk about 'feelings' when you are happy, your mouth smiles [point at the mouth] when you are scared, your belly might feel funny, your eyes seem bigger... and so on.  Always talk in a happy way.  Ask 'who makes you happy' what do they do to make you happy' and praise them 'who makes you sad...' get to feeling uncomfortable.  Even since she is a girl, you can talk about periods, and how she has a special area... 'has it ever felt different there' 'why?' etc, etc.
I do not doubt things are innocent, but the doubts have been raised and the onus is on you to protect your Children.  You wouldn't want your Daughter to give birth to her half Brother, or her Niece, or Cousin, or to give birth to anyone's Child while she is still a Child herself.

Please some back and post again.

[ComputerGeek]

Nope, there are no other comments from the OP other than the first one.  I just used the search function on FireFox to check all occurrences of "CanYouHelpMe" and the only place it appears at all below the original post is when other people write "To: CanYouHelpMe."

[AlfTheAli3n]

**** SORRY ****
This is my second day on these boards.  I must have got confused by the layout, in some cases 'To:....' is in a black font, and others it's a blue font, and their are some replies in 'CanYou'Help'Me'Please' in both colours.


and now, having read through again, I somehow thought this was the original poster:

""""by divorcedmomof2

Member since Feb 2008  



, Feb 13, 2008 09:05PM
To: SL345


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SL345
Female
Member since Dec 2007  



Thanks for the response. My ex and I have actually always been on good terms overall, partially for the kid's sake, but mostly because we have nothing to fight about (anymore). Since I posted that comment I have had 2 very good conversations with him about the topic.  It was good to let him know how I feel about him sleeping with our daughter. I don't think anything "bad" is going on, however, we have 50/50 placement, and I feel that the more we can do to keep our routines alike, the better the weekly transitions will be for the kids. If they are sleeping on their own at one house, but not the other, there is confusion and struggles at bedtime.  Anyway, thanks again for the response. I feel much better about things since posting on 2/10. """""

However, my advice remains the same.
I hope the original poster is alive and able to post again, and hope she is not too ill or embarrassed to come back, or that she's been unsettled and can not remember the forum details.

[AnnaE]

That post is from another thread==not this one. The OP here has been gone since 2007.

[AlfTheAli3n]

Another thread?  It's 22 replies down from the original post.

I'm confused.

[AnnaE]

I meant that the following quote is from another post.

Thanks for the response. My ex and I have actually always been on good terms overall, partially for the kid's sake, but mostly because we have nothing to fight about (anymore). Since I posted that comment I have had 2 very good conversations with him about the topic.  It was good to let him know how I feel about him sleeping with our daughter. I don't think anything "bad" is going on, however, we have 50/50 placement, and I feel that the more we can do to keep our routines alike, the better the weekly transitions will be for the kids. If they are sleeping on their own at one house, but not the other, there is confusion and struggles at bedtime.  Anyway, thanks again for the response. I feel much better about things since posting on 2/10. """""

[AnnaE]

The preceding message was for you.

[AnnaE]

I know prince from the eyecare forum.

[enlightened200]

Listen up mother. I was sexually abused by my dad, then mom's boyfriend. My mother chose her boyfriend over me. I will be mentally scarred over this. Why arn't you protecting your daughter. These signs are not healthy?

How dare you for choosing a man over the protection of your daughter. I can't stand women who do this. You remind me of my mom--denial.

[neyney]

I have to say all the warning signs are there....as a victim of sexual abuse my self this is wrong you must talk to your daughter ask her what is going on and get to the bottom of this my mother over looked the whole problem with my step dad and this went on for almost 5 years it finally stopped when i woke up and he was in my bed naked and trying to take off my clothes i screamed and then my mother finally had to deal with it....dont let this happen to your daughter it is a hard thing for a girl to deal with and I still have issiues when it coems to men and trusting them!!!
HELP HER NOW!!!