feel terrible

[mat371]

I am currently 20 years old and this is what is what happend when i was 15 years old. My mum friend and and my mum were having a chat and  I was told to keep my mum friend niece 8 years old occupied while they had a chat. i was curious about girls body and i touched on her privates. i didnt force her or anything but i felt so ashamed of what i did that i kept away from her even when my mum friend told me to look after her as i knew i might do it again, if im with her. I had no idea what i was doing was wrong and feel so terrible and sad as i wish i never had done this. i need advice about what i should do as this guilt is making me feel like a rapist? i havent told my mum or anyone about this as i was really scared at that time and now i feel really ashamed of what i did. i still see my my frined niece but i always feel awkward when talking to her and seems always happy talking to me but i just cant get over of what i did to her.


Also when i was 12 years old i went through pornographic material on my brothers laptop and i felt really ashamed and i told my mum and she told me not to do it again. and when i was little my  brother touched me inappropriately but i don't have grudge on him or anything but i read in some forum some people who something similar happened to them acted like the way i did and i just want to know what i should do. i genuinely really care for her and all my life i never did anything bad or wished anything bad on anyone. for all this time i kept it bottled in me but now i feel like worst people in the world and i don't know what to do?

[Nighthawk61]

Of course, the amends, must be made if it is the advice of your psychologist. It might be better that it not be brought up, but only a professional can tell you that. Best of luck dear. Thanks for posting. God Bless you.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm glad that you recognize that at 15, your actions to an 8 year old were inappropriate and quite possibly harmful to her emotional well being. The fact that this girl is so happy with you does not mean that she doesn't have a problem, in fact it could mean that she does. So it is very important that you talk to a psychologist and find out if there's anyway you can make amends to this girl, as the experience may well contribute to her being promiscuous in her life.  For some reason you were immature at the age of 15, and did not seek out others your own age to experiment with, but  I wouldn't worry too much about your being ill because of this action, because you are capable of regret, so you now know that this was inappropriate. I would worry about the girl though, and make it your mission to make amends.

[Kayannaboo]

Well it sounds as if you are going through quite a bit internally and I agree with Annie that you should attempt to sort through these feelings with the help of a psychatrist. In all honesty it does sort of sound an alarm when you mentioned that you were 15 while she was 8. However, your being so concerned about this had lead me to believe that you are not a bad person. Also, in regards to going through the porn material you have nothing to be ashamed of as we are all a bit curious from time to time, esp in the younger years.




xoxoxoxo Anna

[mat371]

Yeah i have learned what i did as wrong and i don't know if she has memories as everytime we talk, we never talk about this and i know being 15 years old i should have known better and thats what actually depresses me as right now i dont know why i did it and i would give anything to change the past.

[mat371]

thanks for the reply and the reason i never told anyone was because i didn't was people to think i was paedophile as i didnt know what i was doing was wrong and the reason i feel bad is because she was 8 and i was 15

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't actually see this as akin to rape.  Please see a therapist so you can sort out for yourself what is mere childhood experimentation and what (if anything) is serious about it.  Everyone has some odd sexual event in their youth, even if it is just girls doing "practice kissing" or other stuff.  Maybe you were feeling the stirrings of your hormones or maybe you were just being a kid.  Talk to a therapist and see if you can put it to rest.