Aa
finally trying to deal
I was a member here over a year back but left when my life began falling apart. The opposite of what I should have done.
Now I find myself needing a little support after locking myself away in the dark for so long.
My husband up and left me a little over a year ago. Although our marriage was very difficult his leaving came as a shock because he literally disapeared.
But the actual divorce isn't what is bothering me. The way I behaved and reacted to being married is. I experienced sexual abuse by a family member as a child and never delt with it. I tried to bury it away and was pretty successful in many ways. Unfortunitly the effects of the abuse on my ability to have healthy relationships couldn't be hidden.
I've always had problems with sex and although I detached during it and felt empty and most times used afterwards, I craved it when I was with someone.
But with my marriage came problems that have sent me into complete confusion and fear of ever getting emotionally involved again.
My x-husband and I had a healthy sex life when we first met and moved in together. But the closer we got the more I backed off from that part of the relationship. By the time we got married I was so turned off by sex the thought made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't even sleep in the same bed as he did.
I loved him deeply. I found him exreamly attractive but somewhere along the way my body shut down. I have a pain condition that just happened to occur around the time I became unable to engage sexually. This pain condition I have causes pain in key areas needed during intamacy. Hope that's not TMI.
I don't believe my condition to be just in my head because there is real tissue damage that can be seen. But I do think there's a correlation between all of this.
I really wanted my marriage to work and so thought if I could get help for what happened when I was a child I could begin having sex again regardless of the pain and it may save my marriage. But just as I was emotionally able to start dealing with it and just as I began being open with him he left.
I can't help but think he saw me as damaged goods and decided to get out as quickly as possible. He did figure out on his own something had happened to me as a child because of my sleeping habits(I would have terrible nightmares, jump from bed screaming and couldn't be suddenly touched in the middle of the night while I was asleep) but I never came out with specifics.
So here I am now divorced, petrified of emotional intamacy with men more than ever but involving myself in a sexual relationship with a man I've known for 15 years. Wanting more but so afraid because of being abandoned by my x-husband and the issues I've harbored for so long.
I know therapy is in order. But I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. More specifically, am I alone in all of this?
I don't want to end what I have with this man. But the times I've slept over I've begun my nightime problems such as waking up in a visable panic. I'm afraid he's going to think I'm insane if it keeps happening and I don't want him to know what I'm going through because I'm afraid just as my x wanted nothing to do with me when he found out this man will run for the hills also.
It all sounds like a mess I know. inot sure if its even coming out the right way!
I really hope someone can relate to some of this because I feel alone in all of these "new" fears and issues.
Now I find myself needing a little support after locking myself away in the dark for so long.
My husband up and left me a little over a year ago. Although our marriage was very difficult his leaving came as a shock because he literally disapeared.
But the actual divorce isn't what is bothering me. The way I behaved and reacted to being married is. I experienced sexual abuse by a family member as a child and never delt with it. I tried to bury it away and was pretty successful in many ways. Unfortunitly the effects of the abuse on my ability to have healthy relationships couldn't be hidden.
I've always had problems with sex and although I detached during it and felt empty and most times used afterwards, I craved it when I was with someone.
But with my marriage came problems that have sent me into complete confusion and fear of ever getting emotionally involved again.
My x-husband and I had a healthy sex life when we first met and moved in together. But the closer we got the more I backed off from that part of the relationship. By the time we got married I was so turned off by sex the thought made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't even sleep in the same bed as he did.
I loved him deeply. I found him exreamly attractive but somewhere along the way my body shut down. I have a pain condition that just happened to occur around the time I became unable to engage sexually. This pain condition I have causes pain in key areas needed during intamacy. Hope that's not TMI.
I don't believe my condition to be just in my head because there is real tissue damage that can be seen. But I do think there's a correlation between all of this.
I really wanted my marriage to work and so thought if I could get help for what happened when I was a child I could begin having sex again regardless of the pain and it may save my marriage. But just as I was emotionally able to start dealing with it and just as I began being open with him he left.
I can't help but think he saw me as damaged goods and decided to get out as quickly as possible. He did figure out on his own something had happened to me as a child because of my sleeping habits(I would have terrible nightmares, jump from bed screaming and couldn't be suddenly touched in the middle of the night while I was asleep) but I never came out with specifics.
So here I am now divorced, petrified of emotional intamacy with men more than ever but involving myself in a sexual relationship with a man I've known for 15 years. Wanting more but so afraid because of being abandoned by my x-husband and the issues I've harbored for so long.
I know therapy is in order. But I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. More specifically, am I alone in all of this?
I don't want to end what I have with this man. But the times I've slept over I've begun my nightime problems such as waking up in a visable panic. I'm afraid he's going to think I'm insane if it keeps happening and I don't want him to know what I'm going through because I'm afraid just as my x wanted nothing to do with me when he found out this man will run for the hills also.
It all sounds like a mess I know. inot sure if its even coming out the right way!
I really hope someone can relate to some of this because I feel alone in all of these "new" fears and issues.
I too have had a few bad therapists, I didn't feel I would ever find another that I would trust & yet, I chose to try another, and when I found that that one didn't work for me, I would pray & ask God to lead me to yet another that may aid me better in my recovery path. And he has blessed me each time that I've asked for his guidance to a therapist that aided me in my next steps of recovery.
I know that it is difficult to trust when so many have injuried us in the past. I know how difficult it is to trust in anyone let alone a complete stranger, with the most private things that have happened to us that we dared not speak of them when they occurred because no one listened & those that did turned their backs on us & believed those that abused us instead of us.
I know how difficult it will be to feel safe to share all that you've endured to yet another doctor /therapist, but take it one day at a time, one small step at a time, and one small confidence building reveal at a time.
I shall continue to lift you up on my prayers.
I know that it is difficult to trust when so many have injuried us in the past. I know how difficult it is to trust in anyone let alone a complete stranger, with the most private things that have happened to us that we dared not speak of them when they occurred because no one listened & those that did turned their backs on us & believed those that abused us instead of us.
I know how difficult it will be to feel safe to share all that you've endured to yet another doctor /therapist, but take it one day at a time, one small step at a time, and one small confidence building reveal at a time.
I shall continue to lift you up on my prayers.
Denise,
I'm proud of you for taking control back into your life. I know that giving up all of your vices at once & trying to cope with the abuse as well at the same time is quite a bit to handle.
I know this because I've been there. No I didn't start my drinking or drugging until I was 18 1/2 after my gang rape, but I do know what it is to what to kill yourself & try I did on several occassions. I know that it isn't easy to overcome such a horrific past.
I know that it will take time for you & I, as well as the multitude of others that have similar horror stories of their pasts. I know that we will survive & succeed in healing as we, all found ways of coping with the situations in the past granted in the not so healthy ways but we did what we felt was the best for us at the time to endure what we, all endured. And now we are starting over & trying to fix our broken wings & spirits & learn to fly again without the vices that aided in destroying us even that much more.
I know that it will take time to see the light at the end of our funnels of despair. I know that the light is there, I dug my way up out of my pit with the help & aid of Our loving heavenly father, God & saviour. I know that I shall never have to go back down into that pit of despair ever again without him on my side aiding me to overcome the devistation that I underwent while living in my pit of traumas.
I know that he has lifted me up & brushed me off & provided me with a new set of clothes & shoes & has given me a brighter future.
I'm proud of you for taking control back into your life. I know that giving up all of your vices at once & trying to cope with the abuse as well at the same time is quite a bit to handle.
I know this because I've been there. No I didn't start my drinking or drugging until I was 18 1/2 after my gang rape, but I do know what it is to what to kill yourself & try I did on several occassions. I know that it isn't easy to overcome such a horrific past.
I know that it will take time for you & I, as well as the multitude of others that have similar horror stories of their pasts. I know that we will survive & succeed in healing as we, all found ways of coping with the situations in the past granted in the not so healthy ways but we did what we felt was the best for us at the time to endure what we, all endured. And now we are starting over & trying to fix our broken wings & spirits & learn to fly again without the vices that aided in destroying us even that much more.
I know that it will take time to see the light at the end of our funnels of despair. I know that the light is there, I dug my way up out of my pit with the help & aid of Our loving heavenly father, God & saviour. I know that I shall never have to go back down into that pit of despair ever again without him on my side aiding me to overcome the devistation that I underwent while living in my pit of traumas.
I know that he has lifted me up & brushed me off & provided me with a new set of clothes & shoes & has given me a brighter future.
For the first time in 40 yrs I have finally told my whole story to my doctor my counsellor my daughter and my husband,My doctor and counsellor both explained that the things I did as I grew up were due to the warped introduction I had to sex,When my abuser,(my brother who was 10 years older than me sexually abused me from the ages of 7 to 10)left home I tried to have a sexual relationship with my other 2 brothers both older than me,they wouldn't they said brothers and sisters don't do that.I felt hurt because I didn't understand,I felt rejected,at age 12 the worst year of my life I actually touched a much younger boy inappropriately I was baby sitting he was upset I thought it would comfort him,after I realised how wrong it was and I thought I was becoming just like my brother who abused me I tried to commit suicide,By the time I was 14 I was drinking heavily I met a woman who was 28 I used to baby sit for her (and no I never touched another child again)She introduced me to many men aged between 25 and 55 they all had sex with me including her,often more than one at a time, it was concensual and I felt loved and I was getting attention again.This went on for approx 2 yrs,then I met my husband at 16 of course I was going to have sex with him the first time we went out,but he wouldn't,he wanted to get to know me as a person not just someone to have sex with,He said he wanted to love me before we took it to that level.Yes we're still married 29 yrs this year.As far as sex with my husband I hate it but endure it because I love him dearly. Partly because of the abuse I became a heavy drinker at 14 was an alcoholic probably the whole time,and I became addicted to codeine by age 26.In the end I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1 litre bottles of bacardi per week and 18 to 24 x 10 mg codeine per day.I was sent a post that really pissed me off, they said there's nothing wrong having sex with your siblings that it's only society's attitudes that make us think it's wrong.I am dealing with everything at once,the abuse,the alcohol and the codeine 113 days clean.Once I've got through the counselling for the abuse I'm considering seeing a sex therapist to see if that can help me be more intimate with my husband. Denise
Thank you so much Debra for your very caring and compassionate response. Reading what you've written sent a rush of calm over me that I can't explain other than realizing I'm really not alone. It makes a huge difference in even being able to look in the forward direction even if my steps are small and slow.
I just had a huge setback with a very bad psychiatrist I choose to see. One that had us all fooled but ended up causing great harm instead of creating a healing and safe enviorment to help promote healing. So although I really want to go back to therapy I'm now deathly afraid to put myself in that very vulnerable position.
This psychiatrist was really able to do a number on me and sent me 20 steps back even further. So now I feel I need something to reafirm my faith and belief in therapy as a tool of healing instead of harming.
Your husband sounds like such an understanding and loving man and I'm so glad for you that you found one another. I've always held faith that there were men out there that are the opposite of those that took from us what wasn't theres. But as time continued on all I seemed to surround myself with were men who took far more than they would ever give. I've heard that its common in survivors to recreate the abuse in different ways because that's what were used to and once we recognize the pattern we can work to fix it and stop from allowing it to happen. I'm not sure if that's really true or if its just some sort of generalization. But I feel like I don't even know how to have a healthy relationship. I expect to be treated badly and accept it as normal.
Does any of this make sense?
I'm still doing a lot of learning about how my abuse has effected me and my life. It helps a lot to hear from people who understand and have also worked hard on trying to heal. It gives me hope which is something I really need the most right now.
I would love for things to work out with this man. But I'm afraid and very unsure of myself and his intentions.
It just helps to hear healing is possible and that there are people in this world that are the opposite of what we were taught to know. Thank you so much for that.
I just had a huge setback with a very bad psychiatrist I choose to see. One that had us all fooled but ended up causing great harm instead of creating a healing and safe enviorment to help promote healing. So although I really want to go back to therapy I'm now deathly afraid to put myself in that very vulnerable position.
This psychiatrist was really able to do a number on me and sent me 20 steps back even further. So now I feel I need something to reafirm my faith and belief in therapy as a tool of healing instead of harming.
Your husband sounds like such an understanding and loving man and I'm so glad for you that you found one another. I've always held faith that there were men out there that are the opposite of those that took from us what wasn't theres. But as time continued on all I seemed to surround myself with were men who took far more than they would ever give. I've heard that its common in survivors to recreate the abuse in different ways because that's what were used to and once we recognize the pattern we can work to fix it and stop from allowing it to happen. I'm not sure if that's really true or if its just some sort of generalization. But I feel like I don't even know how to have a healthy relationship. I expect to be treated badly and accept it as normal.
Does any of this make sense?
I'm still doing a lot of learning about how my abuse has effected me and my life. It helps a lot to hear from people who understand and have also worked hard on trying to heal. It gives me hope which is something I really need the most right now.
I would love for things to work out with this man. But I'm afraid and very unsure of myself and his intentions.
It just helps to hear healing is possible and that there are people in this world that are the opposite of what we were taught to know. Thank you so much for that.
My dearest fellow survivor of rape/incest,
No you aren't alone in this. I too am a survivor of rape, child abuse & a gang rape. I too have pains that occur during times of the anniversary dates of the rapes. I know it was the area of my 1st marriages demise along with other things, such as I cleaned my life up from the drugs & alcohol that I was using to numb the memories & pains away. I know for which you speak of so tenderly hidden within your lines of outwardly spoken truths. I know that you & I are both still in need of much love & attention of the appropriate nature, & therapy extensive therapy will aid you too. I've been in therapy for 15yrs & I've just in the past 3yrs have begun to acknowledge & deal with my rapes. I had to become stable enough & able to formulate the emotions that were attached & hidden deep within before I could begin to deal with the actual events that occurred. I'm still in therapy & my now 2nd husband, new that I was damaged goods as you so eliquently said it as I felt the same way & had tried numerous times to take myself out because of the way I felt. Now however, I have a wonderful husband that helps me cope with the pains that come flooding back in & will help me focus on being here & now, not back there & then. He reassures me that he'll never leave me even if we don't ever get sexual again, because he now knows that it was due to some past traumas as to my tears & disconnection of my body as we attempted to make love with one another only to see me start going through the motions & then stop & lay there like a statue & allow him to proceed. Only to find me in tears & trembling for reassurance that I wasn't just raped. So yes, my dear fellow survivor I do fully understand what you are going through. I too long for a normal sexual life with my life partner, but alas we do not have sex & haven't had sex for several years now of our marriage of 11yrs soon to be 12yrs & we courted for 2yrs prior to our marriage. So yes, I do know the fear that you are currently feeling about losing another mate if you were to open up & let out the secrets that you've kept burried deep inside, but if he loves you & truly cares for you he will not leave you, but instead he will give you all the time & reassurrances that you need when you need them. No my husband can't reach out & touch me during the night either because I do strike back while I'm sleeping, we found that out, the hard way. I ended up giving him a black eye one night. No I never woke up but I did lash out against his advances. So now we let me be in the controlling position & allow me to make the only advances that way I feel safe & if I can't continue after I've initiated intimacy, we allow me to stop & regain composure. I know that it takes a real man to understand our traumas but if he is anything like my husband he will stand by your side & allow things to progress at a more tolerated pass with you at the control reigns.
I shall lift you up in my prayers that you receive some comfort from my words of wisdom. Not all men are the same as those that took our innocense away. And if you look deep enough inside yourself you will find that you locked your innocent child away from all harm & one day you will be able to release her into this world with the knowledge of being safe from all harm.
Debra
No you aren't alone in this. I too am a survivor of rape, child abuse & a gang rape. I too have pains that occur during times of the anniversary dates of the rapes. I know it was the area of my 1st marriages demise along with other things, such as I cleaned my life up from the drugs & alcohol that I was using to numb the memories & pains away. I know for which you speak of so tenderly hidden within your lines of outwardly spoken truths. I know that you & I are both still in need of much love & attention of the appropriate nature, & therapy extensive therapy will aid you too. I've been in therapy for 15yrs & I've just in the past 3yrs have begun to acknowledge & deal with my rapes. I had to become stable enough & able to formulate the emotions that were attached & hidden deep within before I could begin to deal with the actual events that occurred. I'm still in therapy & my now 2nd husband, new that I was damaged goods as you so eliquently said it as I felt the same way & had tried numerous times to take myself out because of the way I felt. Now however, I have a wonderful husband that helps me cope with the pains that come flooding back in & will help me focus on being here & now, not back there & then. He reassures me that he'll never leave me even if we don't ever get sexual again, because he now knows that it was due to some past traumas as to my tears & disconnection of my body as we attempted to make love with one another only to see me start going through the motions & then stop & lay there like a statue & allow him to proceed. Only to find me in tears & trembling for reassurance that I wasn't just raped. So yes, my dear fellow survivor I do fully understand what you are going through. I too long for a normal sexual life with my life partner, but alas we do not have sex & haven't had sex for several years now of our marriage of 11yrs soon to be 12yrs & we courted for 2yrs prior to our marriage. So yes, I do know the fear that you are currently feeling about losing another mate if you were to open up & let out the secrets that you've kept burried deep inside, but if he loves you & truly cares for you he will not leave you, but instead he will give you all the time & reassurrances that you need when you need them. No my husband can't reach out & touch me during the night either because I do strike back while I'm sleeping, we found that out, the hard way. I ended up giving him a black eye one night. No I never woke up but I did lash out against his advances. So now we let me be in the controlling position & allow me to make the only advances that way I feel safe & if I can't continue after I've initiated intimacy, we allow me to stop & regain composure. I know that it takes a real man to understand our traumas but if he is anything like my husband he will stand by your side & allow things to progress at a more tolerated pass with you at the control reigns.
I shall lift you up in my prayers that you receive some comfort from my words of wisdom. Not all men are the same as those that took our innocense away. And if you look deep enough inside yourself you will find that you locked your innocent child away from all harm & one day you will be able to release her into this world with the knowledge of being safe from all harm.
Debra
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