help me understand if someone who loves you would yell swear or push you

[Vita89]

My mind tells me my husband could not possibly love me if you does this things to me, that is yell, swear at me and call me names, and has pushed me once.

But then again, I have yelled at him, I have sworn at him and I have called him names, all these things and I love him deeply, I just forget how much I love him when im so angry.

So he still loves me, he just has anger issues. So do I. But he crossed the line by putting his hands on me. Then again I crossed the line every time I called him a piece of s-h-it. But I still love him so much

[Nighthawk61]

hi Vita, just wondering if you're going to come back or not.

I know how upset you must be that the anger has escalated, and you've read online that this kind of thing always escalate further... that is scary!

Since you are considering getting a divorce, you could honestly tell him that unless you both attend marriage counseling together , you are too scared to stay, because of what you've heard about physical abuse escalating. It would be like having an Intervention for him,, that you both need to get in to counseling to learn how to communicate in a healthy manner, even if you are both angry.

I hope you come back. You surely shouldn't feel alone at this time.

[tvfreak2]

if you are young RUN fast. you can have other relationships. i have been in a relationship too long with an angry man.proverbs chapter 22 verses 24-25 says do not make friends with an angry man you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. i have. he stopped hitting me physically but the mental never has stopped. i'm always the one in the wrong and i am very stupid, and now i am too old. i believe very much in a God who has promised me a second life that will be forever and there will be no pain or sorrows there. but if you can give yourself a chance at something,just stop and get yourself straight and go and see what you can find.

[specialmom]

Hi Vita. Well, let me commend you for taking a hard look at yourself too.  That kind of self awareness shows great maturity.  AND, if you both can be aware and yes, see a counselor to work on how to communicate better and control these anger outbursts, there is definitely hope.  Think of it as when you were a kid, instead of learning the better coping and communication ways to handle things---  you just had outburst.  It was never corrected then.  So, now as an adult, it continues. And it is cussing and swearing and pushing (no physical allowed and that needs to be stated UP FRONT).  So, it is a matter of retraining you both.

My suggestion is to look for a couples therapist and make sure it is one in which your partner will connect with too.  Then, when you feel yourself getting angry or things escalating, walk away, go do something else, write your thoughts in a journal instead of saying them, etc.  Give him a hug as soon as he is mad at you which disarms them and say let's talk about this when we are more calm, okay?  

Try that until you can get into a therapist.  Wishing you the best and let us know how it goes!

[Vita89]

im trying to decide whether i should divorce him or not and the only thing stopping me is realizing i have serious anger issues as well.

We were both cursing and swearing/yelling at each other when he pushed me, he pushed me hard. As angry as i get, and i realize that half the time, its me with the serious anger issues, i still haven't ever put my hands on him, nor would i ever. Perhaps that's more because i don't want to end up in jail.

He knows he was wrong, said he will never put his hands on me again, and he tells me he is a changed man. How do you change over the course of a few days? I want to leave him because he put his hands on me and ive been reading about the cycle of abuse and it says he will do it again. So that scares me. The TWO reasons i haven't left is because i know i will  never be in a relationship again because of my anger and quick temper, and secondly i do love him, a lot. I just don't know how to trust him again. Do you think counselling will help us? Can this relationship work through marriage counselling or no?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Sadly, some people haven't learned good skills for handling their anger. They flash out in anger.  Sounds like you do it some too.

What you can do is this---  during a calm moment when things are good, (as said above), talk to him about how it makes you feel when he does that.  That you'd like to find healthier ways of expressing negative emotions and ask him to work on it with you.

Therapists are good at helping with this too.  good luck

[Tessaamelia]

I think you've partly answered your own question here, yes he can love you but he can also get angry and the energy he gives you in that moment feels like he doesn't love you but there are factors that can influence someone to behave a certain way when upset. For example, if he has had a violent upbringing then he will act the way he was treated when he was growing up because it's the only way he knows how to act when angry. Anger is a very strong emotion and can lead people to do unthinkable things. I suggest you talk to him about what happened and see how he feels about what happened when he put his hands on you. This can go quite a few ways, he could get angry because he feels deep shame from what he did, he could be apologetic and sincere (which is what we're hoping for) or he could brush it off and say something like 'well everyone gets angry, you get angry'. Don't let him brush it off, tell him that there is a line and it upset you that it went past that line, be assertive with expressing your feelings but tread carefully if you both have issues with anger. If things get heated take a break and agree to talk about it when you're both calmer.