how do i get past this??

[muffen]

i was molested when I was 8 and then again when I was 12. I just came to realization of this this yr.I remember telling my mother what happened when i was 8 the first time it happened. she did nothing. and here recently i have been dreaming about her and telling her how much i hate her and in some dreams she is watching me be molested. how do i get past this. i want to move on with my life. i feel like i have lost so much time already. it is like it has a hold on me and will not let go. what do i do

[margypops]

I am very sorry this happened to you, perhaps it would be a good thing to seek some counselling with a proffesional. Possibly your Mom was in denial ,have you ever asked her why, you havent said if the abuser  was a Family member or a stranger as this is relevant to her behavior in ignoring it.,if it was family she may have not known how to handle the situation, nevertheless  it should have been addressed.You dont give your age now, but I assume you are adult, and with some help it is time to move on and not let anyone stand in the way of you having a good life.It still has a hold because you are letting it have a hold it is in your power to put it behind you. There is a Book out there called "Bad childhood, Good Life" by Dr Laura Schlesinger, it is a good and simple book, see if you can get it .

[RJ233]

I know that was really a tramatic experience, especially at such a young age. Things in our childhood is not so easy to forget. I have a lot that still sticks in my mind. I have a strong faith. It was brought to my attention of forgiveness. Believe me, if you forgive the ones that did that to you, it will be much easier to put it in the past. Hating the persons and the experience is destroying your happiness. I know it is one of the hardest things a person can do, forgive the enemy. I thought of it like this, If I don't forgive, then God won't forgive me. My soul, life and mind is not worth destruction for those people. You are still living the situation and it was not your fault. Put it where it belongs, in the past. The ones that did that will reap their rewards sooner or later. If you can't handle it, then you should do as margypops said and go to a counsler. You can examine the depth of your feelings. You have let this take over your live long enough. It is time to go on and let the hurt you endured go. You have hurt long enough and you don't deserve that. Don't continue to be victimized. Wish you the best. keep us posted  RJ

[muffen]

Thanks for your insite. I am seeing a counselor. I'm 38 yrs old and a mother of 4 teens. I hate for them to see me so upset when this gets to me. I feel like I am ruining their lives being this way. I have to find a way to let this go. Thanks for your support.
Muffen

[RockRose]

muffen,   is your mother still living to add depth to these memories?

[muffen]

No, she died 13yrs ago

[Cherie762]

this may sound impossible, and please run this by your counsler/therapist, but I truly believe the only way to " get over " something that horrible is forgivness.My Dad had something really bad happen in his childhood and he actually ( under therapists advice) went to cemetary and told his father why he was so angry with him and then he forgave him. He has been ok ever since, Once you forgive you have all the power, you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor. Cherie      I know thats pretty heavy but think about it.

[muffen]

i am working on the forgiveness part.it is hard for me to get over WHY, why did this happen, why didnt she do anything anything other than blame me. no one knows how bad i do want to let this go. i hate myself for what i have let it do to me.

[RockRose]

muffen, you've been very sketchy about the details,  but are you sure your mother didn't believe you?  If you were molested once when you were 8,  and you told your mom,  and it stopped,  maybe she put a stop to it?    It's an interesting thing,  that abused children tend to be much angrier at a parent who doesn't protect them,  than they are at whoever actually did the abusing - and that is the true person to hate in my opinion.  

Do you have clear memories of these instances?

[RockRose]

Another thing you might want to think about is, why is this bothering you now?   What's happening now,  in your life,  that's brought this up to the fore again?  

Maybe it's your kid's ages,  or some fear you have for them right now,  or  . . . something.  Maybe one of the pathways to healing is to figure out what is triggering this resurgence of feelings,  and deal with that trigger,  rather than resolving the molestation and anger at your mother.

[muffen]

i dont mean to be sketchy. so let me try to make it more clear.
when i was 8 a neighbor boy molested me in our basement. i remember very clearly what happened and telling my mother. all she asked was did he get it in. she took me to the bathroom to ck me and it was never brought up again. i remember being every angry over everything in my life. i started acting out. i was told by her constantly that there was something wrong with me and that i need to see a psychiatrist. but see never took me to see anyone. be would tell me that my father treated me more like his wife than her. when i tried to talk to my mother she said that i didnt have any problems that i was to young to have any problems. my feeling and thought were nothing to her i was just her problem.  when i was 12 the same neighbor molested me again this time i said nothing to anyone. that same yr my old sister beat me with a stick, i had no clothes on. i ran out of the house naked and hide behind an empty store until my mother came home. thinking that she would do something to my sister but she sided with her. that night was the first time i tried to commit suicide. my parents did not take me to the hopit. my sister did. they stayed in bed and said when i came home if i ever tried that again that i would be in trouble. for may yrs i suppressed what happened ( being molested) then in 2006 after working at this job for almost 7yrs. i had been sexually harresed and didnt nothing once again ( that was my fault that i didnt do any thing but take it)  i had a break down. i had planned to kill all my coworkers and then myself. i went into a deep depression for over a yr and a half. then in may of 07 i had a manic break.
i always thought there was something wrong with me but never put together what happened when i was a kid. i had problems having sex with my hubby. at time i wanted to throw up when he would kiss me or touch me in a certain  way. then this yr all the pieces came together.  my fear was and has been that no one would believe me. this is my problem and no one else. i have to deal with this weather anyone believes me or not.

i hope this helped you to understand a little better.
muffen

[muffen]

just to clarify, as far as the molester goes i feel nothing toward him except disgust and hate. i know where he lives and thought of going to his home and dispensing some of my own justice. i want him to suffer. i want to make him hurt in ways that the pain will never end. i hate him for taking away what my life may have been, who i may have been. he took away my choices and so did my mother.
i was a kid!!!!! what was i suppose to do????? i told and nothing was done!
i feel dirty and damaged

[RockRose]

Muffen,   I'm going to step way way out on a limb and say I don't think this molestation has much at all to do with how you feel.  

I think from the beginning of your life,  you never felt like you belonged in your family and no one was ever there for you,  no one cared at all what happened to you,  even in your near death hour.

I think you're very angry and hurt and you're basically trying to guess what is making you feel so angry,  and I think you're guessing kind of wrong and your anger is sort of misplaced on a neighbor boy who did engage in inappropriate exploration with you,  but he wasn't the one who harmed you.

Who harmed you,  I believe the most deeply,  was your father who,  as much as you loved him,  didn't protect you and treat you like a loving father would treat a daughter.  

I think you ought to get Bad Childhood Good Life,  and you can recognize that although you didn't have a mom or a dad,  you have a second chance at a great parent relationship - by being a terrific mom to your kids.  

I believe you're withholding the love from your children,  as a convoluted way to punish your parents for being so awful to you,  when you could be sticking your thumb in your parents eyes by  giving your kids a fantastic home life.  

I sometimes accidentally punch people in the gut on these forums,  and I hope I haven't just inadvertently done that to you here.  Your pain is so palpable - I hope somehow you  can recover and stop hurting.  And I hope you can say "my parents were s u c k y people,  and s u c k y parents,  but I'm not".

Best wishes.   Bad Childhood,  Good life.  It will help.

[muffen]

It is good that people have an opinion. You are soo very wrong about some many things as I see it. How can you judge or say that I am withholding love from my kids.  What the are you talking about??? Where did you come up with such BS as(I believe you're withholding the love from your children,  as a convoluted way to punish your parents for being so awful to you,  when you could be sticking your thumb in your parents eyes by  giving your kids a fantastic home life.)Are you talking about yourself, you must be,because  my kids are my life. I would move heaven and earth for them.My children are a gift that God gave me and I from day one have done my best to enjoy this gift. My children know that I would go to hell and back for them. As far as being molested it is sad that people like you see it as, how did you put it "inappropriate exploration". I hope for every ones sake you are not any kind of therapist because you have no incite.
No one but no one talks about how I treat or love my kids that really pisses me off because I know that I am good mother.

It is good that we can be so open and honest on this site :-)

  

[RockRose]

muffen, sorry to have offended.  I'm going off your statement,  "you feel like you are ruining their lives".

I think you should possibly revisit what I've posted in a week or so,  and really think again.  

No one said you don't love your kids.  My post is either completely off target (in which case,  sorry) or it hit a very very tender nerve.  

You decide which.  

My guess is,  your reaction to my post is minimal compared to how you would react to the book I recommended (and Margy did up the thread) so forget that.  I would bet you'd throw that thing in the fire.  

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

Final post to you,  muffen.  Because I don't chase people around and try to irritate and hurt them.

You've been unhappy all your life,  and in a rage.  Your therapist,  your own attempts,  have been unsuccessful at lessening your fury.

How about maybe just listening?  Just listen to what I'm saying.  Just listen,  take it in,  and think possibly there's some truth to it.  That you are furious with your father and you can't even allow yourself to go there.

Otherwise,  best wishes in the second half of your life trying to unravel why you are so angry.  

[jml1986]

I am not a person to make judgement on how people get over their past abusive situations, but I am a person that was sexually abused as a child several times by more then one person, and I can tell you that moving on your life does not really require you to forget or forgive anyone, it requires you to deside that you no longer choose to let these people have that type of control over you life. How do you do that, that depends on you. For me, it was not with the help of therapist, but rather by me allowing myself to grieve through the memories of what happened, and realize that I am older now, and noone can be in control of me but me.

[momagain59]

The only way to get over this is to turn in over to God. I found that when I did this, it took a lot of weight off of my shoulders. Let him deal with them, he can do a better job than us anyway. Molestation is killing a child from the inside out. You have a right to hurt, grieve, and heal. I have faith and my faith tells me that you can not molest a child and not pay for it somewhere down the road. The more I read the Bible, the more at peace I find myself. I will put in a prayer for you and your family.

[wotonito]

I think you should forget about your own problems and focus on your children, I dont understand whats going on with you I was never molested or anything related to that but I believe you will be a whole lot better off forgetting about what happened and focusing on the future (your children)

but thats just coming from a 14 year old kid...

[margypops]

Hey guys,Its not that easy ,children who are molested spend their lives trying to get past it, and it does come back to haunt them when they are adult ,it is easy to say "Get over it" I have known several incidences in my life and nearly always the people involved wished they had been protected by their Parents , when there is an abuse the said parents are often in Denial as its a Family member, and everyone believes the child isnt telling the truth. We have seen it here on the Behavior Forum many times. So when you say to Muffen forget your problems thats not going to happen ,she simply has to accept it happened and live with it.maybe not even fight it , Tell you what Muffen I do believe our thoughts cause us many problems and if we let them the Negative ones take over, perhpas you could try next time you get to thinking about the Dreadful abuse you suffered you immediatly switch to a nice and Happy thought about your Family.

[jo929]

first let me say that i am so sorry that you have been through this, and i know it sounds so inadequate,Did this bother you when you were first married? the thing that concerns me is the suicide bit, also the wanting to kill your coworkers, this to me seems like you may have more of a problem than abuse, I am glad that you are seeing someone, because i do feel you need help also you need to talk and get this out of you system you may po me anytime, i am not saying i can help, but i can listen i have worked with people 40 years, and i am not a therapist or nurse, but anger is not the answer, although it is hard not to be angry, i have always heard that when one is angry, they are really feelingbad themselves and will strike out at others, i do not know whether this is true or not, but you had a right to be angry when you were abused, but it seems after all of this time you think the abuse caused all of this I agree that this should have been addressed when you were abused, then maybe just knowing someone helped you, then may have helped you now, i just hope that you can whip this i have read jmi story and it is a terrible one to go through but she is one couragous woman to get through all she has, and i do hope that you can work through this it sounds like you have a good family  luck  jo

[jo929]

I forgot to ask. if you mentioned this abuse to your dad or not, not that it matters now, but was wondering if he felt the same way as your mom did, or did you feel like he would not believe you, i am not trying to pry, just to try and get the whole picture, and get you to talk, amd just maybe that will help you sometime a person sees something in a post another does not see, and they are not trying to run you down, they are just trying as i am to help you.try to look at all of the answers you get, and see if any could fit the scenario , and rememberwhen one makes a post they may get an answer that they do not like, but look at it real good, and just see if this may fit, and if it does not sound right just try to remember this person has tried their best to help you and they are calling it as they see it  I hope you are back at work again and hope you are feeling better   luck  jo