i need some advice

Question

This question could fit under several categories i'm sure. about 2 years ago i met a guy that came into the restaurant i worked at. i was 17 and we hit it off we started talking and he told me he was 22 which was not accurate . we dated for 2 weeks and things started to get strange he was pressuring me to have sex and wanting me to take him to buy drugs. it took me a while to find out that he had no job, no car, no house, no money and he became very abusive when i tried to leave. i would leave and he would call me a few weeks later or a month later and tell me he had changed that he had gotten straight and all those things. i gave him a second chance and he raped me in a cheap hotel room with my best friend sleeping in the next bed. after that i knew i couldnt see him anymore, but once again about 6 months later he said he had changed and that he really wanted to see me, he said he got an apartment and wanted me to see how well he was doing for himself. i went and one of his buddies got me on the floor and held me down while he raped me again. a few months after that i found out i had hpv he was the only man id ever been with so i know it had to be him. i am 19 years old and have been told that the hpv is a very high risk strain and that i may never be able to have kids because its so advanced. what i want to know is how can i get pasted this im 19 i havent been able to experience lots of things how do i accept this and move on?

myfutureawaits100 · Answer

yes you gave very good advice, but i am ready to cut all ties with him i know i will not go back to him but i have alot of hatred toward him. if you would like the read more i have posted on your life story

Abbie4949 · Answer

I accidently hit submit. I have gone to friends or relatives whose locations are unknown to him (always have at least one friend to whose house you never take him or tell him the address). I have even gone to a battered womens shelter. Being safe is way more precious than prideful about having money and my own apt. Ok so 2) BE NICE TO YOURSELF. Watch how you talk to yourself and don't say anything you wouldn't say to a stranger. And don't beat yourself up for going back, if that's what you do. SHAME is huge for me; and together with secrets (how embarrassing to tell everybody I went back AGAIN) keeps me with him and doing other self -destructive behaviors. Apparently I wasn't ready to leave him for good. That type of thinking has made me stronger and stronger and more in a position to leave. Hope something I said was helpful. Please be safe. --A

Abbie4949 · Answer

It would be a good idea to find a therapist you can talk to - that's the whole purpose. I'm pretty sure mandatory reporting doesn't apply to things in the past. I've told doctors that I have already reported incidents if I feel that him going to jail won't help me. More important is the question are you still in danger? Put a plan in place to be ready for his call in 6 months when he tells you he's all better. I have a hard time holding a grudge so I do the same thing as you, keep going back. If you change your phone number and move etc then you don't need a strict plan. But it never helps to hear his voice, or see him if that's what makes you miss and forgive him. I am very good at leaving and staying hidden when I need to, so just say the word and I will post some ideas. 2 very important things: 1) TRUST YOUR GUT - if you decide to meet up with him again pay attention to what your gut feeling is; if you feel unsafe, cancel the date, stay where you are. It took me so long to pay attention to my instincts. I would have a feeling telling me to not go home. I always brushed it off telling myself I'm being paranoid. Every time I regretted going home. I should have listened to my body/gut/feeling. You are still young so that can help you, I didn't start trusting myself until the last 3-5 years and I'm 42. Now when I get that feeling I don't go home

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Hmm, I was thinking it happened when she was at least 18.

RockRose · Answer

Annie,  this crime is the rape of a child,  and a therapist would be a mandatory reporter.

If it were a rape of an adult woman,  the therapist wouldn't be required to report it.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

The therapist is only half right.  If you told her about ongoing  or planned criminal activity, she has to report it.  But if you tell her of a rape in your past, with no risk to you of getting raped again by this guy, she is not obliged to report it.  It is all about someone being presently in danger.  I'd look for a different therapist, one who understands the reporting rules.  

Do you mean you never reported the rape to the police?  That means the guy is walking free to do it again.  I'd seriously consider reporting it.

myfutureawaits100 · Answer

thank you for your advice. I have already been to a therapist but she told me that if i told her about any criminal activity or rape she would have to report it.it would not be confidential. so then i knew i couldnt tell.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

1)  See a therapist, 2)  see the police, if you did not when he raped you, and 3) see a good doctor about the hpv.  

If worst comes to worst, you could use a gestational carrier to carry an embryo from your egg and your husband's sperm sometime in the future, so the idea of never having children should not haunt you entirely.  But see if the diagnosis of never being able to have children is even accurate first.  If only one doctor said that, you might check with a specialist.