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is this love or not
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is this love or not

Hi ppl. So I'm 19 and 8 months pregnant w my third kid I am married my husband is 21. He has also been hitting me chocking kicking me n he recently got a shot gun n told me one night he would kill me in my sleep n held it to my head he keeps brass knuckles in the house n has been calling my four year old son nasty names like ***** and ******.he trips and pushes him around all the time n laughs it off. My question is a month ago I left him finally he was very controlling and.I was not allowed to wear certain close or makeup and wasn't allowed out side I pressed charges and me n the kids r living w my mom but now he sirry and wants his family back and really telling me everything I want to hear. I'm scared if I dnt get some help or advice ima go back I always go back n fourth but I think if I go back thia time he will kill me cuz now he mad I got the cops involved but why do I still get suckered in by his charm that I knoe is a lie what do I do?
25 Comments Post a Comment
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1643531_tn?1390433321
Please, please do not go back to that danger. So many wish they could have gotten away; but they are dead or someone else died. I prayed for you all for your safety. I know and trust God heard my prayer. Get some help. Keep him for you all because he is dangerous... I pray you heed to this advise. Don't go back....
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535822_tn?1389452880
Its in your hands ..why would you put your children through this, abuse like this with them witnessing it ,will stay with them for ever .I suggest you take out a restraining order and don't go near him again ..
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3060903_tn?1398568723
You are a mother, you don't have the luxury of going back because he is "acting charming".  If you need to be charmed, then get yourself in the position to go ut on a date.  This is NOT the only man in the world for you.   You and your kids need a real man in your life, and in order to make that happen, you have to get a restraining order and make sure that he keeps away from your children. Thank God he doesn't have visitation with your kids. Please listen, you're kids deserve to have one parent that cares about them and makes them their FIRST PRIORITY. My first marriage was to a man who punched and choked me and threatened my life. I have since married a man who loves me and my child. Don't be afraid that you will never meet a good man. You can and will if you try to keep yourself away from this man long enough!! If you don't think that you can do this for yourself, then YOU MUST do this for your children.  This animal sounds like he should be locked up somewhere. He should be charged for "Threatening Death" and put in jail.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
In answer to your question IS THIS LOVE OR NOT? No this is not love by a long long shot...... this is so far from real love. Something happened to this person that made him INCAPABLE OF LOVE.
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535822_tn?1389452880
There you have it jessie the opinions of three, it would be good to heed our advice ..I think you will be glad you did ...best of Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I just got back from court today I was nervous to testify against him n I froze but for now all they did was put him on house arrest he lied his butt off and got the brst lawyer around here I didn't have anyone but the prospector who barley said a word but there's still more charges pending. So next time I will talk more instead of being afraid iv never spoke against him before n all he did was lie. Thank you everyone I am taking everyones advice and it helped greatly
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535822_tn?1389452880
Normal to feel nervous of any abuser, you will be stronger next time ..Stay away from him and before you go make notes of what you are going to say that will help you .god luck let us know what happens ..
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757137_tn?1347200053
Are there any males in the family to help protect you? A brother? A father?
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Avatar_f_tn
Yeah but my dad has been in trouble a lot. So ifeel guilty getting himm in trouble on my account
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535822_tn?1389452880
As a legal person if you can get a restraining order if he comes near you,and stay strong ,and in your own words do not get suckered' in ..
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2206720_tn?1338918882
Sweetheart contact the domestic violence shelter in your area and get outreach counseling. You need to understand the dynamics of domestic violence and the cycle of abuse. I would also recommend that you file a Protection From Abuse order against him because he sounds like a very dangerous person. For your safety and the safety of your kids. You don't want to end up losing your children over this man because from what you just stated, someone could report this to Children and family services. Even though you are not harming your children, social services looks at it as if you are not being protective and can very well place your children with someone that they feel will protect them. You have shown that you can and will protect them by leaving, if you go back, it doesn't look good. This is coming from a former Child Abuse and Neglect Social worker who now works with Domestic Violence victims in Shelter. Please seek counseling, please protect yourself
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3060903_tn?1398568723
If you go back you are harming your children and your children will grow up hating you just as much as their father. I know because that's what happened to my mom. She had the opportunity to leave, and not go back. She chose to go back and had a terrible life when all four of her children blamed her just as much as my abusive father.  Congratulations for being a HERO and protecting your children. It is imperative that you write a letter and practice saying what you need to in court. I agree totally that you need to take advantage of counseling, for yourself and your children. I know how incredibly hard it is to turn away from someone that you think you love and you think loves you. But please trust us...... after you get involved with counseling you will no longer be confused as to whether this is a loving relationship. I'm sorry that it isn't, You have a right to a loving relationship. Look after your kids first , and i'm sure that you will find a good man down the road, after you've proven to yourself and your kids that you are a great mother!!! I'm not going to say Best of Luck, because what you have to do has nothing to do with luck, it takes action!! The counseling has been put in place as a result of many women and children who have lost their lives. Please, take advantage of the counselling available. God Bless you and your family. Please keep posting. We all want to support you over the next days and months, until you have found true happiness. You are not alone!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Plz don't go back it wont change.  U deserve to be happy. My aunts husband did this for years. They r still together and she is a 400 pound depressed person with no self esteem. Plus ur children don't need to see that. I saw abuse only a few times in my life but for me it taught me that if a boy cause a person who hits women r not men I would do everything in my power to not let them see me even if I had child with them it would be the same. So plz stay with ur mom
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Avatar_f_tn
Plz don't go back it wont change.  U deserve to be happy. My aunts husband did this for years. They r still together and she is a 400 pound depressed person with no self esteem. Plus ur children don't need to see that. I saw abuse only a few times in my life but for me it taught me that if a boy cause a person who hits women r not men I would do everything in my power to not let them see me even if I had child with them it would be the same. So plz stay with ur mom
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757137_tn?1347200053
You say that if you go back to him he will kill you. So don't go back to what you feel is certain death. At least on your own there is a chance this won't happen. Meanwhile find the means to protect yourself and your children.
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3167443_tn?1343954639
think of ur kids because if he is doing it to u he will start doing to his kids and becareful always stay two steps ahead
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Avatar_n_tn
Please don't go back!  Your's and your childrens lives will never change!  Be strong and stay at your Mum's until you get back on your feet.  He doesn't love you, and your Son's will start behaving like him as that is the only thing they will know how to do.
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Avatar_f_tn
It would only take once for a man to hurt or mock one of my children.  Put them first!  They cannot protect themselves and they look to you for protection, you cant fail them on this.
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3238640_tn?1346908614
Please consider your kids. My mom stayed in an abusive relationship and it tore my childhood apart. Once he tied her to the car and dragged her from it while me and my little sister were in the back seat. My dad too was a charmer and always knew how to sweet talk my mom.. Please don't let your kids go through that! You deserve so much more, I pray one day you believe that.
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Avatar_f_tn
That's NOT love. Leave him. I know its hard to leave but what's harder is NOT leaving. And by then it might be too late. Don't take that chance. Xoxoxoxo <3
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm with the others; do NOT go back.  He will *NOT* change, no matter what he says.  Occasionally there is a man who is motivated enough to do so, but the odds are very much against you.  He has shown his stripes, and what you've already seen is the very best you can ever expect.  Most only get worse.

Will it hurt to end things conclusively, and to stay away?  Will it be hard?  Absolutely.  

But a wise person once said something I read elsewhere, that I wish I'd known or though about when trying to leave my abusive ex, and that is that at least you know the pain of a breakup will end, and may even have some idea of how long it will last.  But the pain of remaining in any relationship that you know is not good for you, particularly one that is abusive, has no end in sight.

Take good care - and do whatever you need to in order to keep your children and yourself safe.

klg
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm 19 also and my husband is also 21. If my husband ever treated me like that I would be gone in a heart beat. Especially treated my kid like that I would tear him a new one and my husband is a big dude. Trust me I know it's hard to leave him but you love for what he was, not who he is anymore. If you go back to him your making him happy not yourself. He loves the mental abuse because he knows he can do it and he feels like no one is bigger than him to tell him other wise. He is manipulating you into coming back so it can start all over. He going to tell you what you want to here to lure you back in that's manipulating. Do it for you and your kids, don't go back. Mental abuse for children can be the worst thing for the rest of their lives.
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Avatar_f_tn
They don't change.  Been there, done that.  I was in two abusive marriages and when I got divorced this last time, I figured I just pick the wrong kind.  So I am staying single.  There is always the "honeymoon" period after the beating.  "I'm sorry, honey.  I'll never do it again.  You make me hit you."  etc.   No! You do not make him hit you.  He hits you because it makes him feel big and bad.  He has insecurities that he doesn't know how to deal with.  And remember, he's grown.  He has a brain and a mind of his own.  -
And for that matter, so do you.  Value yourself.  You are a strong woman with character and values.  Take care of yourself and get away from this poison!  They also feel that if you go back, you must like it.  Do you?  Do you like being abused?  If you go back that is the message you are sending him!
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Avatar_m_tn
I was sexually abused as a child and have a number of hardships in my life. I have now overcome those and I am a life coach. My passion is to see others set free from lies and deception. My heart goes out to you! Please know that you do not have to put up with this type of abuse. This is something that should be reported to an agency or a cop. This is not just emotional abuse it is a "threat" on your life, controlling and insanity. You deserve so much better! Just because it may be better than your past, does not mean you deserve it. As much as you may feel you don't deserve better, you do! You are a precious woman, beautiful and worth so much! After abuse we have to rewire our thoughts so that we can overcome the trauma of our memories and numbness.

Please email me if you are needing help.
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2194148_tn?1397327075
Oh God, another disalutioned woman and more innocent child victims.  Why did you continue to have kids by this monster and drag them into this abusive world?  GET OUT, he's not going to change, he's only going to get worse.  All his nice words, flowers, and apologies are a song and a dance.  I'm sure you've heard stories like this before in the news and in the papers.  Focus on your kids, they are your real concern and your future.  Don't go back, you will be sorry if you do.
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