is this sexual abuse?is it going to lead to rape?

im an 18 year old girl.i think im being molested.im not sure though.my sister has told me that my dad looks at me in a bad way.she told me that she has noticed him looking at my breasts.i dont know whether to believe it.my mother has cautioned me not to wear revealing clothes in front of my dad..i come from a really conservative family.my dad is a touchy kind of guy.
i read online that children who have been molested many a times start masturbating really young.my dad has abused my mother physically and mentally.my mom has faced marital rape by my dad.my dad has toned down his temper over the last years.but u know occasionally if i try to do something he doesnt like he tells me that he should have had his old abusive behaviour.then he warns me saying that one day he would teach me a lesson.he is like dr jekyll and hyde.turns violent quickly.he always tries to hit only me and not my elder sister or younger brother becos im not physically very strong.i started masturbating when i was really young.at that time i didnt even know what sex is.i dont kow how i learnt to do it.i also dont remember much of my childhood.my family has told me that i always was a really quite child and extremely over mature for my age.like i was withdrawn into a shell.apparently used to always sit in a corner of my house and read very quitely.and it seems i was not naughty at all.i remember i used to get very scared to leave my mother and go somewhere. many a times he has hit me on my butt.
i have an elder sister and a younger brother.i always feel he has been extra violent with me.once when i was 16 he saw me coming out of the bathroom only wearing a towel and he started smiling weirdly.lately a picture has been popping into my head.a picture of my dad giving me a bath when i was young and rubbing hard on my private part.i dont know whether it is my imagination or a supressed memory.i asked my mother about it and she said my dad has never given me a bath.i also get this picture of him asking me to sit on his lap and to kiss him on his face again and again.he always tries to come near me as a way of making my sister jealous..that is as if he is showering more affection on me.im 18 now.he recently literally forced me to come and sit near him.he grabs me.he dragged me to a room once in anger and just shoved me.whenever i sit near him he rubs my leg with his leg.he always asks me to come and ssit near him.once he kissed my neck.once in public he rested his chin on my shoulder from the back and didnt let me go even when i asked him to.another time when we had a fight i got angry and went to my room.
he came in and held me tightly and tickled me till i accepted his sorry.most of the time he is a nice dad.but he quickly turns violent on me.he leers at me.once when i was 15 and i was returning from my classes at night.this stranger was walking alongside me.i just simply smiled at him and he suddenly started showing me a video of people having sex.and i got scared and started to walk away from him.but then he caught up with me and asked me questions like have u ever tried this and do i want to try it and all.i luckily escaped.the fact was after that my dad was continously staring at me for days in this totally weird way.yesterday my mom warned me that my dad was looking at my breasts.i have this fair pretty cousin and he used to stare at her till one day she told him off.he looks and comments at other women in front of me.he has had affairs.he has once told me that he will put a spy on me as i turn older.when i see strangers somehow i get this feeling of wanting to be viloently raped by them.but then wen i actually think about it i feel disgusted.im ashamed of all these thoughts of sex.i get ashamed because im masturbating.and i .i get uncomfortable around him.once i wore a new dress and showed it to him and he went on staring at me in a weird way.when i was 15 i had a really good guy friend who used to call me everyday.when my dad found out he hit me and threatened to lock me in the house if i continued talking to that guy.whenever i talk to guys my dad stops me.he doesnt allow me to talk to guys.when i was young i used to have fantasies of being tied up and tortured.as i turned older the fantasies turned to brutal rape.is this a hint that it had happened to me and that i have blocked it out?i have been having fantasies of getting raped by my dad in a really brutal way.he has also mentally and emotionally abused me.i get uncomfortable talking to guys.i want to know whether this is molestation or am i reading too much into it.is my dad molesting me?please answer fast.i have been in depression for more than two years.i do not have anybody to talk to.i cannot tell my family.they are not supportive.i cannot go to a counsellor neither can i run away.recently he told me that he is going to put a spy on me.when he hits me..it is like he has total feeling of power over me.once he forced me to lie down on his lap and i could feel his erection.another time he backed me against the cupboard in anger and held me against my will with his fingers squeezing my mouth in anger.im scared he will rape me.

1) yesterday i was sitting in the room with two of my cousins.he came to the room and asked me for a favour.i said okay.he was standing in my back.he put my hair in the front and started rubbing my neck.then i got this scary intuition that he would soon rape me.should i trust my intuition?

2) i cant go to the police.my mom wont testify.i cant do this to my family.it will break us.my mom will get depressed again.i cannot afford to do that.i do not have anyone who will believe me.

3) sometimes my dad acts so nice.really believe me so nice that i feel really guilty for thinking like this about him.i love him but i hate him.this confusion is killing me.

4) the other day my sister commented to my dad that he has become fat.i was lying down on the sofa.my hand was partially covering my butt.he came and asked me is it true?and i replied yes.then he playfully slapped me on my butt even though he could have just spanked my hand or whatever.what do i take of this?this has happened thrice.even if i cover my butt.is he doing it purposely?

5) do fathers touch their daughters this way in affection?

6) i have been depressed from the past three years.

i get ashamed and feel weird when people talk about sex or joke about rape or molestation.

my dad is a loser.i should be saying this but its true.sometimes i feel that the only place he has power is when he is sexually abusing me.

im getting weird feelings that tells me im going to be raped by him.

im not able to concentrate on anything else in life."


please please please help me!!!

[SeriousSam]

Honestly... Can you edit the stuff that doesn't apply to you out then seprate what you know, what you suspect and then explain why you  believe or suspect things and move from there?

And speaking of moving, why not just get a job aqnd move out?

Personally I asked my daughter to where more conservative clothes because it makes me uncomfortable having boys who are eighteen trying to hit on  her (she's 11).

[ConnieG]

I don't even know where to start....
If you feel like you are in fear of being raped and you are 18 you should definitely move out of the house!  There is no reason for you to stay there anymore.  If you have family you could move in with or a friend you could room with I would move out.
It's definitely not normal for a man to be abusive to anyone physically.  That alone shows you should leave.
But as far as the sexualy abusive I don't know.  Staring at your chest and touching you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable aren't okay.  You should just not sit next to him.  Don't let him rub your shoulder if you don't like it.
My dad rubs my shoulders because he's good at it and I have tight muscles, and he has to move my hair when it's long sometimes, it's perfectly normal.  And when I was a kid he used to play drums on my butt.  He would turn me over his legs and spank me as a joke, or he would throw me over his leg and spank his other leg and make me think he was going to spank me hard and I would jump but when I realized he never touched me I would laugh.  it was funny.  And he kicks my butt too just playing around.  It's all fun and games.
He will pat my knee, but not rub it.  And he does not look at me like he is thinking nasty thoughts.  I think the line between dads and daughters and brothers and sisters is thin.
Once they start looking or touching and lingering or being sexual about it it crosses the line. But they still should be able to make contact by joking or showing affection without it being creepy.  You are after all his baby.  He used to feed and rock you and change your diapers.  For some dads it's hard to tell what is fatherly and what is creepy.
Just use your judgement.  Don't be alone with him if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  If you're never alone with him he wont rape you.
If you move out he wont be able to abuse you as readily either.
Just make sure to keep yourself safe.
I can't remember my childhood, but it's because my father was verbally and physically abusive.  It could be the same thing for you. It could just be the verbal and physical abuse.
And since you're so worried about sexual abuse your mind could be making up senarios and playing them in dream or intuition form.
Always trust your intuition though, it's better to be safe than sorry!  A womans intuition is a power thing.
Be safe!!

[jrobertson20]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this and feel that you have nobody to turn to.  I know you don't want to hear what I am going to say but I think this is in your best interest.  I really really think you need to leave.  Trust what your intuition is telling you.  I know you don't want to tear apart your family but you have to protect you.  If you don't have the money to afford a place there should be a womans shelter somewhere (probably in your area but for your safety I would go out of the area) where they will help you.  They won't let anybody know where you are.  If you are scared do you think your sister will go with you and leave to?  It may make it better if you are not alone but she would also have to leave and never look back.  Your mother is in denial hun and the situation you were raised in does not sound very safe.  She should have left for you and your siblings safety a long time ago.  I know you also said you can't afford couseling but they do have things like SARCC whick is for the sexual abused and it's free.  Get help.  You really need to for your own sake.  I know it's hard to leave your family but your safety is on the line.  Good luck and I wish you the best of luck.

[LeighAlexsandra]

Your 18 now... You dont have too stay there anymore you can get away, get out and get a life of your own... Your situation sounds hard... but i think your dad is you know .... I dont think you should stay there anymore ... You need help of someone, couseling or maybe try too find private groups online.... there has too be someone out there who you can talk too ...You said you cant do this too your family... But how can your family let this happen too you :(... My dads never touched me the way you've explained that your dad touches you... and neither has my step dad like both will hug me.. and i used too get kisses on the cheek as a child ... Maybe a sholder rub but thats about it really... But they've never looked at my chest....or slapped my but... yeah you need too get out and i think you should talk too someone professionally too.. I wish you the best of luck and if you need too talk.... Keep us all posted

[BreatheHopeInMe]

It's really hard to move out at 18, especially with you're kind of family. But I would suggest you try. Find a friend who can take you in until you have enough money to move out. You don't even have to tell them, just leave a note saying you found an apartment in (make up a city) and that you're taking a bus there.
Don't make it sound like you moved in wtih a friend,
tell you're friend of the dangerous situation so they won't tell ANYBODY that you're living with them.

You also need to avoid you're dad as much as possible. He's not that far away from physical abuse (sexually) so I would highly suggest you avoid him until you can leave. Their are women's shelters you can live in until you get you're own place if a friend can't take you.

Good luck!