ive been trying to deal with childhood physical,emootional ,sexual abuse issues..

I am now in my 40's. I have tried everything I know how to to stop my past from being my present. Nothing works. I either have memories or flashbacks or im being triggered by soemthing almost on a daily basis still.A neighbor molested me when I was 5 for a period of two years. My parents got a divorce when i was 7. Thats how it stopped...or so I thought. My mother got involved with a very violant man. Towards me anyway. He was also Into child pornography. He involved me into it also. I was 8 at the time. this lasted 4 years. When I was 12 I finally got out of it. But my stepfather would beat me almost on a daily basis after that until I was 17.I have alot of issues from those things. I would love to do nothing more then forget it ever happened. I cant seem to get to the point where It wont bother me. I still have nightmares from it, things trigger me..I never know what is going to trigger me, so that is a problem..I still have flashbacks, where I feel that I am back there being molested..the worse thing for me was having to do "things" with other kids my age.in front of a camera..Things I didnt understand, didnt like, didnt want happeneing... I also S.I. because of it.(self injure) I have been doing that since I was 11. My life turns upside down at times from these things. I feel that I did soemthing wrong, that I am toblame somehow for it. That I deserve to feel like I did back then. I am so immature ,I act,feel, like I am still in my early 20's. I never grew up to adulthood.I have D.I.D. becasue of the abuse(dissociative identity disorder used to be MPD)That is another thing..I still dissociate regularly. Becasue of this I rteally dont know who I am. I know who the alters are. I still have a hard time with this. I would like one week to go by where I havent triggered or had a flashback, nightmare, memories that are so real that it makes me sick to my stomach. There is also one thing(i cant say) from when i was 5-7. I wont say what it was..but it is soemthing that makes me sick..very sick to think about. repulsed at the thought. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist. they try to help me with these issues. they dont tho. does anyone have any sufggestions? I have tried everything ive been told about to help[. nothing seems to help. ...so Im asking here..thank you ...brian

[mytummyisadummy]

Dear Brian,

I am sorry to hear of your terrible experiences that you faced in your childhood.  I can relate to you fully .  When I was age 15 to 16, I  was molested by a family friend.  Then  at age 20 I was raped and became pregnant by my assailent. Needless to say I chose to keep my son because I am Catholic.  I went  to therapy for many years regarding this issue.  I am also Schizoeffective and harm  myself to by pulling out the hair on my head.  Well I am 46 years old now and time and therapy have healed my wounds.  I am thankful that I don't have flashbacks.  But when I  see stories about  child molestation on TV or online this truely angers me. Children are Gods preciouse angles and no monster ********* should allowed to hurt them. What I do to cope these days are beco ming  involved and activating for our youth regarding this issue.   I wish you all the best.  I hope in time your mind , body and soul will heal.  Use your supports that you have. Your Therapist , Phsychiatrist  and family and friends.  These message forums boards you should also find helpful.  I wish you all the best Brian good luck.

[narla]

All I can say is keep up with the therapy,make sure you are honest about everything you went through so each issue can be dealt with,I have just finished intensive counselling this is my third try and finally because I was ready and totally honest with my counsellor we were able to deal with everything in my childhood,I have finally learnt how to cope and have a life free of shame,guilt and blame.It is not easy but it is worth all the heartache in the end,reliving my childhood was hard but It was something I had to do to get closure. I'm 48 and it has taken me this long to deal with it.

Good Luck and stay strong  Denise

[Jaybay]

I can recommend a book for you: Abused Boys.  It's an excellent resource for boys who experienced abuse.  I'm sure you've probably already discovered that there aren't a whole lot of resources devoted to boys, so I was glad to find this one.  One word of warning - the second half of the book contains the stories written by men who were abused as children.  I wouldn't recommend reading them until you talk to your therapist about it first.  No doubt there will be some things that will trigger certain reactions in you, and until your coping skills are solid enough to deal with those triggers, you probably want to wait on that part of the book.

You have your own story to tell, and you made a great start with this post.  The idea with therapy is to finish that story and put it behind you; throw it in the trash; dispose of it.  I do hope you will keep up with the therapy.  It's a long and difficult process, but as honest as you appear to be, I think you'll come out on top.  :-)

[kenneltech]

Have you tried EMDR treatments?  I was physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally and physically abuse also.  I tried everything, even shock treatments and the only thing that is helping me is EMDR.

[piinkpanther1321]

Thank you all for responding to my post. I am greatful to you. this is to kenneltech...no I have not tried EMDR. Ive heard of it by name but I dont know what it is. If it will help I will try it. Ill ask my therapist and PDOC if they know.I wish that I knew someone that relates. I have met many that have been molested, but I have not mmet anyone who has been abused as you kenneltech..with all those things going on at once., I think one has things going on that are not present in someone who was...who only has to deal with the molestation issue.( I know that came out wrong...any abuse is hard enough to deal with). I would like to correspond with you kenneltech. my email is ***@**** would like to hear about EMDR. Thats if you wouldnt mind.I have tried almost everything but that.And nothing has worked.I am still living in my past. Its always there.wether im thinking about it or not, its there.thank you agian everyone that responded...brian

[kenneltech]

You will probably have to send me e-mails from this site as your e-mail didn't show up, that's what they do, the e-mail addresses don't completely show up so as not to have a million people write to you.

Just click on my name and it will go to my profile and you can send a note or an e-mail, I'd love to hear from you.