memory

I suppose this is emotional abuse.  I wish there were more categories to choose from.  Some of us have have more that one form of abuse.  Anyway, I have been abused in my childhood.  I thought I'd dealt with it and gotten past it, you know the anger and all.  And perhaps I did.  Recently, it has come to my attention that although I may have gotten past the anger, I haven't done anything to change the impact the past has had on my way of dealing with the world.  I am an underachiever, work as a secretary when I have an advanced degree.  There is a whole lot of negative feelings about what I'm capable of and how I compare to others.  Messed up.  

Anyway, I have a real hard time remembering things.  I count on others to remember my youth.  I just remember bits and pieces of it.  I have compartmentalized my life to such an extent, that great chucks of it are just missing.  In fact, I'm so good at compartmentalizing that even things that occur fairly recently, I chunk up and hide.  I don't remember names, faces, conversations.  I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what did you do/are you doing to  change this?  

[margypops]

There ia a mental health forum and an Alzheimers forum also a PTSD Forum  a lot of us go to them because it covers a wide range of issues ,it doesnt mean you have those issues,also some folks that come here have been emotionally abused.Are you taking any meds as very definatly there are some meds that interfere with memory so thats one area to check out and ask you Doctor if you can take something differant.It is possible that because of the abuse you have chosen to block out parts of your childhood, have you had any counselling as perhaps ther would be some help for you there.

[LuvToHike]

Thank you for referring me to the other boards.  I'm not familiar with them, but will check them out.  It's not Alzheimers (thank goodness) or meds.  It's either that I just don't think anything's important or somehow it's related to something in my past.  It's rather annoying to not be able to remember things.  I suspect that it is a defense mechanism I developed that just got out of hand.  Years ago I went to a therapist, to be honest, I really don't want to open up that can of worms again.  I didn't like the way I fell apart.  It took me a very long time to get the pieces picked up and put back.  I don't want to dwell on the past.  I want to live now, in the present and look forward to the future.  All I want is to identify the ways my past has influenced my present so that I can make better choices and feel more comfortable.  

[margypops]

I didnt think you had Alzheimers I  go there as I have a family member with certain issues, and you get feedback from others ,regarding any memory loss. Not meds either so it seems to be your thoughts and as you say yourself it is a defense mechanism , there are some good books out there to help you find out the ways your past has influenced your life and the presant.Good luck

[LuvToHike]

Thanks.

[frustrated431]

I dont remember my past that well either my problem is that some horrible things happened to me and my mind just wants to forget and when i try to remember it hurts my heart to much. Im glad you found somewhere to go to find the help you need.I just wanted to let you know that i can relate to your not being able to remember your past its sad that so many bad things happen that i cant even remember the good ones

[margypops]

I do believe it is the minds way of coping it takes away the pain of remembering, and its really hard to face that pain like going through the abuse again.

[LuvToHike]

It's nice to meet someone who has the same issue.  I had some really nice things occur when I was a kid (or at least my best friend tells me about them).  I can't remember them unless someone tells me about them, and then I get bits and pieces and sometimes I get enough of it to actually remember the event.  I can ALMOST accept that loss.  What I find really difficult, is how I don't remember much even after my childhood.  I've forgotten things my own kids have done, their happy events.  

How do you function in the workplace?  Do you have problems there, too.  Names, faces, I forget them all unless I see them frequently.  Kind of makes it difficult.  I've come up with all kinds of ways of getting around it, but I wish I didn't have to.  It's so bad that I really try to avoid meeting with people.  I'm considering starting a business, but my avoidance of interacting with people is really hindering progress.  There's got to be a way to get past this that doesn't involve dredging stuff up yet again.  Past the anger, through the pain (which as you said comes back way too easily), I just want to finally live MY life, my dreams, my future.

[teko]

I too have few memories before the age of 13. I had Electric Shock Therepy tho and a lot of my memory is gone because of that. To this day I have trouble remembering long term. I have noticed as time goes on, memories of years past fade. I would not recommend the procedure to anyone. If you find something that works please share. Maybe we could all help each other. Hugs,

[LuvToHike]

Hugs to you too.  If I figure out the memory thing I'll let you know.  At this point in my life, I have 50 some-odd years of partial memories to keep me company.  If getting the good ones from my past means getting the bad ones back too, I'll stick with the partial memories.  ;)  And, I'll just keep trying to make more good ones, so I can keep some partials of those as well.  ECT definitely doesn't sound like something I would want to try.  Did it help?

[teko]

I guess if you talk to the doctor it did. I was going inside of myself and would just sit and stare. Electric Shock was done as a last resort. That and a lot of prayer and soulsearching helped to I guess. I am paying the price with my memory tho. I guess I just got up one day and was tired of being miserable. I vowed to allow it no more. I like everyone still have my moments, but for the most part I guess I am normal. Shhh, I should not say that out loud! My hubby might hear me! lol.  Hang in there, If you need a shoulder, I am here.

[AnnaE]

There are many forms of professional help available. Perhaps you could speak with a counselor or a psychiatrist for recommendations. The Mental Health forum has also been recommended to you here.

Ask your doctor about medication, and let him refer you to a specialist if you agree this is recommended for you.There is a Dr. Jung on Med Help who knows a lot about medications, if you want to check out any medications that might be prescribed for you..

I mourn what I cannot remember at times, but I see it like a grieving process. I realize that it would be too painful to remember everything. Recently I have been able to re-experience many positive feelings from the past.

On the contrary, If bad memories do surface that cannot be stopped, my experience in therapy is that I remember just enough to know it happened, and I simultaneously re-experience the joy that I had lost.

My first flashbacks at home were not like that. They were overwhelming. After I had the support of therapy, and group therapy with other survivors of childhood abuse, I was able to deal with the flashbacks and nightmares better.

My memories came back at two points, when my daughter was about 8, and when my father died. Life events can now re-trigger feelings, but I have a lot of support and this helps tremendously. I also see a specialist in medication, and this has really helped.

This is just my experience. We all share different parts of experience and we also all have differences. One of the best therapies can be knowing that you are not alone. Others have been hurt and share your feelings. Your are normal. The people who hurt you are not normal. You have a right to happiness. Take steps toward health each day--exercising, asking for support, good nutrition, enjoying something you like, being spiritual. In this way, you will realize that your life can become more balanced. Resolution of bad feelongs and the establishment of health is someting that is built through variable tasks--therapy, peer support, family support if available, friends, building physical health and getting the best health care possible. Also, avoid unhealthy relationships and people who are always negative. Be aware of what is good for you and what is not.

There is a wealth of help available on Med Help. Browse through  the Health pages here and on other forums.

In regard to electroshock therapy, my knowedge is that it was used decades ago, but harm resulted, because it was new and not administered properly. Presently, it is sometimes used for depression. It is not used often and is not presently popular with doctors.

Teko has said here that she experiences some undesirable results. I have heard of what she reports, and we can hope that she feels well. At the same time, her report advises us to seek other options.

If you want to know about other options, so a search of Wickipedia or Google, ask questions here, or of doctors.

[LuvToHike]

I recently began working with someone to help me forward my career.  I raised my kids and it's my turn to pursue a dream (if I could only remember what that was).  I'm considering starting a new business.  There is so much that I need to do for it, but can't seem to sit down, concentrate and just do it.  This person, shall we call him Fred, has pinpointed (amazingly quickly) what appears to be stopping me.  That is the feeling that whatever I do has to be done perfectly or not at all, otherwise I will be judged harshly by "Mom" (my quotes).  Nothing I did was ever right.  Okay, I never made this connection before, but as he was saying it, there was the familiar "Aha!", which confirmed his conjecture.  He said in so many words that to pursue my business plans without dealing with this would be fruitless.  C--p!  Back to my childhood, AGAIN!  It always goes back there!  Mom stuff I can deal with.  I never realized how insidious her attitude toward me was.  How it infiltrated my soul and stopped me dead in my tracks.  But, what set off this string, was the OMG, what if the other stuff from my past comes up?  I know there are behaviors today that stem from that.  I recognize them, place them and do my best to dismiss them.  What if there are others, that I don't recognize.  I REALLY don't want to go back down that road.  For 2 days following his (and my insight), I was frightened.  Now, I feel myself shutting the door to the feelings associated with Mom.  I have a choice now.  To go through with this process, or nip it now, and live status quo (if that's even possible at this point).  Like I said, I can deal with the Mom thing which is all that has been brought up, no other aha's there.  I'm just thinking "out loud" here.  In the past, whenever I pursued this, I've ended up a basket case (unable to function).  That is the last thing I want to be ever again.  

[AnnaE]

You do not have to go anywhere you do not want to go. Consult with an expert therapist who specializes in ghildhood things. You can learn to love yourself, and not have to deal with things that are too painful. No one wants you to be in pain.

Sometimes we think we know all the options, but an expert can help a lot. Fred has helped you.

[guessagain]

I may have missed it as I read the previous, I'm sorry if I repeat something already said.

You may consider some professional help that is in the position to prescribe some meds. You could very well suffer from a chronic depression you developed long before you could ever be aware of it. If so, it's just been a normal way of life along with the abuse. Just another day to survive. There are a lot of us out there, I too suffer from memory issues and know the frustration you feel, sometimes I'm unable to get an entire sentence out without forgetting what I was talking about, the point I was trying to make, or even the topic of discussion because my mind  has gone somewhere else. Also the frustration of trying to communicate your difficulties only to have someone say, "oh, I do that too". Pleasant childhood memories are soon spoiled and lead me where I don't want to go. I wish you the best, what ever the avenue you choose.    

[margypops]

You have started up a past thread again I see, maybe Luv wants to start it again,maybe not...

[LuvToHike]

Hi,
First off, I'd like to thank everyone for their support.  It is nice to know that people care and are there for support.  Thanks.

Brief update.  
"Fred" is working out okay as someone to speak with.  He works in a cognitive behavioral model, and is mostly of the opinion that one doesn't have to dredge through the past to improve the present and future.  Recognize what happened in the past, acknowledge it, but don't dwell on it.  There's no real need to review and relive it.  Look at the present behaviors and determine what isn't working.  Assess the thoughts that are running through your head, they generally are very negative and are generalized so broadly that they leave no room for thinking of any way out.  Look at each thought and determine to what extent it REALLY is true (if at all) and then back out and put the offending thought into Truth perspective.  For example, the thought "I screw EVERYTHING up", really isn't true.  I can't screw EVERYTHING up.  I might make a mistake here and there, but not EVERYTHING!  By backing out and seeing things in perspective, in relationship to everything else around it, a sense of "Okayness" begins to form.  If we pay attention to CORRECTING that little voice in our head that is constantly nagging at us and putting us down, we may find ourselves feeling better.

[margypops]

Good to hear some update from you ,you are quite right regarding our thoughts, You cannot create a negative feeling without first creating a negative thought, the dont dwell on it part is the hard one for most, as once you get started its hard to switch it off. I have won this battle a few times but then other times find myself churning it over in my head. This thread was a few months old but worth hearing you are doing Okay.