military wife from illinois, living from cali... need support, please help.

[MorgannaBanana]

I really need some support, to vent and opinions.

I am a military wife, born and raised in illinois within 10 minutes of all my family members. My husband and I now live in california and I haven't made any friends.

I am 18 weeks pregnant, very excited and happy and very torn.

My husband is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. I feel so alone. He has his good traits obviously that is why I married him and I really want my son to have a father... but he doesn't even treat me like I am pregnant, as in, he doesn't save money for groceries, drives crazy while I'm in the car...etc...


I don't want to go to his command because he will just lash out on me. I know when I put this in text it seems easy to figure out what I should do, but it kills me to of my baby not having a dad and I am scared he will fight for custody and I won't be able to leave the state of california with our baby to be around my supportive family.


Has anyone ever been in this position?????

[maman_veronique]

Honey, you need to go home to Illinois NOW.  I was where you are but mine was also physically abusive.  He will only get worse when the baby comes, and you don't want him to treat your child the way he treats you.  Also, you don't want him to teach the baby that this an ok way to treat mommy (or anyone). There are options for you, both in Cali & IL.  Even if he fights for custody, it doesn't mean he'll get it. You are that baby's mother.  I'm proof that you can get out & survive & thrive.  Once your away from the cloud of fear & indecision & doubt he can create within you, you'll be able to see more clearly. You have to think of your child first & foremost, and a large part of that is taking care of you.  Go home to your family where you say you have support.

[DMB1986]

I too am a military wife. I understand you want your child to have a father, and he still will if you arent with him. Do you want your son to grow up thinking its okay to treat women the way he treats you? Maybe he hasn't come to accept you are pregnant and will get better once the baby is born, but if he isnt taking care of you then talk to him about going to stay with family while you are pregnant. If it doesn't get better than leave. You and the baby will be better off.

[allmymarbles]

The only kind of abuse you can get aid for is physical abuse. Your husband can be classed as mean-spirited, unfeeling and nasty, but not in legal terms abusive, at least I don't think so. So that puts you in a bad position vis-a-vis custody, if it should come to that.

You obviously are thinking of divorce. Is he? And how does he feel about becoming a father?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well hon, if you weren't married to this man any longer it wouldn't mean that your child doesn't have a dad, right?  He'll always be the child's father and would hopefully always live up to the responsibility as such.  

I'm kind of a stickler about looking for red flags BEFORE one gets pregnant and brings kids into the situation.  I then think that one owes it to the child to try their best to make the relationship work.  BUT----  he won't get counseling, won't admit that he needs to change, etc.  (although the two examples you give don't really seem like abuse to me but more irresponsibility (the not saving for groceries and driving kooky with you in the car).  If he is unwilling to do so and IS verbally abusing you and isolating you (just because you aren't working, you could still make supportive female friends, right?)  ----  I think this will get worse once a baby arrives and that isn't a good atmosphere for you or a child.  

It is sad to end a relationship and think of a child not having both parents in the home but remember, that this man will always be the father of your child and hence, you don't need to stay just so the baby will have a dad.  Dad can visit, dad can eventually move where his kid is, etc.  

good luck as this is certainly a tough situation.  Peace

[margypops]

Has he any PSTD that may be the reason for his behavior, you say he was Military..If it could be there may be help for him out there, he certainly needs some counseling and possibly therapy. I have to tell you he wants to be in control of everything and I doubt it will change unless he gets help and want to change.If he is a lost cause it would be best to leave and go back to family before the baby is born. The behaviors you descibe will continue and the baby will see and hear possibly be part of the abuse, so you ned to think about that .He cannot win custody without reason especially as he is abusive, You need legal advice here. Good Luck I hope you can find enough strength to do what you have to do .

[MorgannaBanana]

Thanks guys... I guess ince we haven't been in california too long and because of that I haven't been able to find a job, I'm not technically a legal resident of this state. If I become employed then I will be a legal resident of CA and I am afraid the baby and I will get stuck here far away from my support system back home.

You hit the nail on the head, definitely was a charmer in the beginning and now it is like pulling teeth to even get him to let me take the debit card for the day (he hasn't openeda joint account and always avoids it even though he earns X amount more a month solely because he is married)

Counseling isn't an option because he doesn't really admit that there is a problem... it is bizarre. Like he has no conscious of right or wrong and he definitely knows how unhappy I am. I am so numb. He's excited to an extent, yes, but as I said he doesn't act as if I am pregnant... like this morning he gave me attitude for needing the debit card for prenatal vitamins. He leaves toys the dog tears up on the floor even though right now at this point its killing me to bend over because a sciatic nerve in my back has started to get pinched in the past few weeks... I do other housework though, definitely. He makes excuses to not clean the litterbox, too...which is really bad for me to do while I am pregnant it is like he thinks I am making an excuse. Its killing me guys. I do love him but I do not like him right now.

I think I need to look into legal assistance but I won't have the money for a lawyer. Someone on base told me to go to illinois a month or two before baby is due so he can't MAKE me come back.


I tried retreating to illinois in december for christmas, I went the second week of december and I then found out I was pregnant and preferred to stay with my OB in illinois I am familiar with for my first prenatal appointments. I came back the beginning of february and while I was gone he kept saying I was a bad wife who abandoned him, one day I checked his email (I created the account for him so he knows I know the info...) to look into some banking info because he does online banking and its linked to that account... it was then I found 100 some odd emails of him replying to ads on craigslist for massages and casual sex starting christmas day, ending january 31st.... he insists it was all talk.




I am so sorry for this being so long winded, I am hurting badly and really need guidance.

[Hobby10]

I understand.  Really.  I bet in the beginning your husband was giving u gifts or flowers and seemed tooooooo good to b true?  Right?  And I bet he's a control freak?  Am I close?  You need to go what is best for you and that baby. Too much stress etc I believe can affect an unborn baby.  You may want to go back to Illinois for awhile.  If he misses you or wants to be apart of your life he needs to pull it together and show you some respect.  Seek a counsel or pastors advice.  And maybe contact a lawyer to see what your legal rights are etc..... And u got us if need us.

[ku111]

What happens if the child is born in illinois?  Does that make the child a legal resident of that state?  It sounds like you might want to get some questions answered.  I think it is important for you to be happy and safe.  He is excited about the baby?  Is counseling an option?  I believe in marriage whole heartedly but I also don't think that you should have to live with the abuse.  Does he realize how unhappy you are?  Wishing you the best!