narcissistic husband should I stay or should I go? :(
I'm going to try and sum this up as short as possible.. actually feels good to write this all out :)
My husband and I have been together for 7 years (married for 3) with a beautiful 4 year old little
girl. We've really had our ups and down but this last weekend is really making stronger to leave
my husband. My husband is very narcassistic in his ways.. NEVER apologizes and always turns
the table around on me. a few years ago, I was a bartender and stayed out with the bar crew until about
5 in the morning. We were all friends and were hanging out, needless to stay I didnt tell my husband because
I knew he'd be so upset with me. My boss and his wife dropped me off at my house and my husband was so mad.. he threatned to divorce me, and said that he was going to take my daughter away from me. He was going to talk to a lawyer ect. I was so apoloagetic, said I'm sorry, begged for forgiveness... finally after a week of begging he said he's willing to try. He requested I see a counselor which I did... we moved on.. but this past weekend (friday) I fell asleep in our daughters room reading her a story and tickling her back.. I woke up about 12:30 and looked around the house to give my husband a kiss goodnight. he was no where to been found. the lights were still on as well as the TV.. I thought maybe he just ran to the store (he smokes and drinks often).. I called him and said, "just calling to say goodnight" he never answered.. then I text him, no answer.. After he didnt return home ( it was 1:45am) now.. I got worried.. I text him again.. "are you ok? where are you? " and called him 5 times.. no answer.. finally he calles me back at 2:30am and says he's at his friends house and that he'd be leaving soon?? wtf? **ne never let me know he was leaving, no note, text or call??** I fell back asleep. then 4:45am rolls around and he just walked in the door.. the next day we didnt talk, he never looked at me, never apologized, nothing... finally Sunday I go up to him and say "How can a husband/ father, just leave his girls in the middle of the night without telling us where you were going?" he responded with, "YOU are over reacting, i didnt do anything wrong" we got in a huge fight... I'm so tired of being treated like this.. this behavior is NOT normal.. I really dont want my daughter growing up in a broken home.. and all I want is to be in a loving relationship. My husband really does love his daughter.. but how can he think this is normal and not wrong behavior? I need support/ guidance/ help... any thought..
I know its hard but it does sound as if you could use some outside help if he wont go you can still go for counseling your self .The fact you were hanging out to start with till early morn is not a good idea , so would it be possible he is doing the same to pay you back....Any yelling and shouting that your daughter can hear is not good and will affect her, this maybe a way to broach him to go with you for marriage counseling if as you say he loves his daughter he should realise this a bad for her .I hope you can reslove it before it gets worse ...good luck
Hi there. Was he trying to 'get back at you' since you were gone until 5 am? I have to be honest . . . with co workers or not, I would be super upset if my husband stayed out until 5 am. His reaction to that was probably normal in terms of being upset. I can't sleep well until my husband gets home if he is out late.
Was your husband trying to show you what it felt like?
I don't think that is right but am asking because you give two situations that have occurred. This makes me think that his leaving in the middle of the night (WEIRD, I agree) was not a normal thing. I wouldn't be happy about it either but if it is an unusual occurance, then this is what I'd do----
I'd have a discussion with him laying anger aside and tell him that you don't want things to be this way. Tell him that you are very sorry for staying out until 5 am (which may have been a bad choice) and wasn't thinking about how this would make him feel. And you are 'sure' he wasn't thinking about how you would feel if he left in the middle of the night and was gone for hours, that it scared you and worried you and all kinds of scenarios played through your mind, etc. And then just tell him that as you don't want things to be this way and assume he doesn't either, what can you both do differently?
If talking in this way to him has any impact, it would be great. The key is to be matter of fact and not accusing him or either of you blaming or acting angry. Talking about HOW to be a couple and to stay together and be happy is the way to approach it.
If you get nowhere, ugh. That is very hard.
I always think all couples would benefit from therapy. Your situation sounds like it really would as it is not an ongoing abusive situation but rather some tough situations. I have high hopes that you can work this out. And as it was said above, even when our partner won't go to therapy with us, therapy alone can really help. New perspective on a situation from a professional can be eye opening and offer great ideas to try in a marriage, even when it is just one part of the couple sitting with the therapist.
I wish you lots of luck dear. marriage is hard work!
Lusie, when I said "See a counselor," I wasn't talking about your husband. You had said "I need support/ guidance/ help... any thought.." and the obvious answer is to see a counselor. They provide support and guidance. That is what they are there for. You then said "He would NEVER go.. he doesnt think he's done anything wrong," please get it through your head that a counselor is not punishment for someone who has done something wrong. They are there to help you and to be your ally while you figure things out in your life.
My full reaction to your story is that you need someone to talk this over with in depth, and to get your head straight so you aren't giving your power away to this guy, and to realize that maybe he is not really a textbook narcissist but is just not committed to the relationship. (Not every guy who is acting like a jerk is a narcissist. A friend is married to a textbook case. In his world, everything is someone else's fault, he yells and screams for ten minutes at a time over tiny flaws in the house, if someone has a successful business, he should be able to do it to because that person is an idiot, he pounds on the Xerox machine at work and yells if it is not working, he has been fired from three jobs because of his temper and his attitude, he has not provided for the family for years due to his inability to keep a job but that doesn't mean anything because he is truly superior, etc. etc. etc.) I don't think you will get anywhere labeling your husband as one, even if he were one, because it just accelerates arguments when someone tosses around a label like that. He just sounds like a garden-variety childish husband who is mentally not in the marriage. Acting plaintive about it to him (or to yourself) won't change things.
SO, see a counselor, get your own act together, and get your own plans laid, even up to and including learning to walk away without blame if that is what is going to happen.
I can kinda relate to lusie0515. Mine is a little different story. My husband has anger/violent outbursts. We come from two totally different backgrounds. His mother isn't a good housekeeper while mine was if there was a spot on the floor you have to remop. We clash over tidiness. Yesterday I told him to clean his shoes due to we seperated a week ago and his shoes smelled so bad and were filthy. I had made a bottle of water w/ bleach in it and handed it to him. He threatened to spray me w/ the bottle and got in my face screaming at me you don't demand me you understand? You dont tell me what to do. But he has told me several times he likes to be clean and he can't stand to go over to his mother's. I didn't yell at him when I told him. I am simply suppose to ask him to do everything, I can't tell him or else he will blow up and think I am being controlling or demanding him. Over little things he blows up and will cuss me and call me some names that he would probably call some guy about to get into a fight. I had to wash his clothes when he came back and disinfect some of his items. some clothes and the majority of his stuff had to be thrown away due to his mother's household. She has multiple cats and dogs in which their eyes are matted up and they sneeze, poor things. I made him watch a video of joyce meyer's on mercy and he watched it. I read the bible to him. I try to talk to him but he doesn't respond to any prospering in his anger. He doesn't want to grow better, mature and get out of the norm as you would call it. We don't sleep together. I refuse to have intimacy with him due to his anger and well his hygeine. He needs to be checked out totally by a Dr. I do care about him. I am a christian. I am not perfect by no means. But, I know that in order to get better you have to change your thinking, your actions and seek help if necessary. Well, last night did it in with the spray bottle. I am bonded to him in a way is why I have a hard time letting him go due to my fears. I won't say exactly, but there is a connection. He use to be compassionate, loving, understanding and more caring than he is now. He has gotten worse. Now I am depressed and I am going to get better. I am going to have to seek professional help and get back on the right track. I just want to let all who know that is going through mental, emotional and physical abuse....it gets worse more often than it gets better. He was grown up taught to fight. I told him this is not a war family. I am the opposite of what you were taught w/ your parents. He needs help. What I am going to do now is seek help then discuss things with him on what needs to happen next in order for peace to come into our life. I know if I'm not happy, he sure isn't. Usually an abuser is hurting deep inside and they let it out unkowningly on someone else. They are suffering. Enough to that I say! I don't want to suffer anymore. Its a one-sided relationship and it's just not right, even if I am connected to him on a level of my own inner fear, I know I must make the right decision one that will be hard, very hard but in the end the best. Take care of yourself first is priority. Because the abuser is not going to nor do they care. At least my husband doesn't and sometimes that is what hurts the most is when you know they don't care but there was a point when they did and you don't have that comfort anymore.
This may be a dysfunctional family, but there is no abuse. A good counselor should set you both straight. Calling this "abuse" suggests you are a victim, and in the right. Maybe your are both in the wrong.
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