new to this forum

[skram]

hi all, i am new to this forum, as i know i finally need to deal with this issue.
i was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my father, the sexual abuse started when i was 11, but the other abuse has been happening for as long as i can remember.
i have recently been diagnosed with cyclothemia (a form of bi-polar disorder) and am waiting to have therapy, i am dreading having to go through everything in my past.
i am on here hoping for some support, and to talk to people who have gone through the same thing.
i still speak to my father, he and my mother are still together, she believed him and not me, that feels like a double betrayal of trust. i am now married with 3 children, and have to deal with this, or ruin thier lives as well as my own.
thanks for reading
S

[margypops]

On reading your post my first thought was how hurtful, and words cannot express how you felt not to be believed,by your Mother, Does she still not believe it ,now you are an adult or is it brushed under the table ,as happens and not spoken about.You are correct when you say you have to deal with it, I feel that Therapy is a good way to help and hopefully they will give you some input on living and accepting what happened to you. Also realise it wasnt your fault, unfortunatly abused children often spend their lives thinking they must have done something to deserve it, you didnt ,you were a child,he was the perpetrator, you were and still are an innocent. You will find a lot of support here MedHelp is well known for having people with knowledge of the kind of thing you have been through and are going through.Come back to us and let us know how the therapy is going .and know we understand.

[Cherie762]

Well welcom, my dear , your a smart girl this is a wonderful place for support, You will find many of our opinions vary, but they all give you food for thought, and you can put bits a pieces toghther and make up your own mind. So lets go throught ths step by step.
1. youve been diagnose- thats fabulous, now you know what your dealing with , beats not knowing
2. Your first day at therapy will be tough, do you have a friend that can drive you and wait in waiting room (this will help you not feel alone)
I hope your therapist is a woman in your case I think that would be best, You can do this give it a chance, and be honest, theres not a thing you can say that will shock them, theyve heard it all.
3Why, why why do you speak to your dad? not critising you , I just dont think I could
4. You at some point will need to confront your mom its a mothers job to protect her child, she let you down and you got every reason to feel angry, cause she did not protect you.
%. Im pround of you this takes a lot of courage, and untill your helped with this your not ing 100% of the best mom you could be, You sound strong , smart and positive with your motivation god bless you and remember one word CAN. you my dear Can..Cherie

If youd like to pm me and talk in private feel free, id be happy to help you,How old are you?

[skram]

thank you so much for your message!!
it does feel better to finally have a diagnosis, i now have somewhere to work from, and knowing that i am not going mad is really good!!!
I am nearly 30 now, so this really has gone on long enough, and i feel i am ready to deal with it, i have a supportive husband and 3 beautiful children who i adore!!
my therapist is unfortunately male, so that adds pressure, i am not very good at talking to men!!!
i think i only speak to my father because he and mum are still together, so if i want to speak to my mum, i have to deal with him too!!! i also have a younger brother, who i love dearly!
thank you again for your message, do you mind if i add you as a friend?
S

[skram]

thank you for your message too
yes, the whole issue has been brushed under the carpet, and i am too afraid to confront my parents.
i love my mother dearly, although i can never forgive her for not believing me. when i go to visit (every 6 weeks or so) my family are talking about things we did in the past, they always describe everything as happy and fun, i don't see it that way, even on family holidays, the abuse was going on. i can't understand how they can have just forgotten about such a major life event, i was thrown out of the home and taken into care for 3 years, i feel like an outsider in my own family
S

[RockRose]

skram,  I'm concerned about your daughter.  I think usually mothers DO know what their children are going through,  and some decide not to do anything about it because then their own lives would have to change.

Don't allow her to be alone with either your mother or your dad - because she's at grave risk for the abuse you suffered.  

Best wishes.

[skram]

i have no intention of ever leaving my little girl alone with my parents!!! just the thought of anything happening to her makes me sick to my stomach
thank you
S

[RockRose]

Best wishes with all of this,  skram.  I think it would be very hard to go visit them - very twisted family dynamic.

Glad you're watching out for your kids.

[margypops]

On rereading these posts I think there is a lot of the stockholm syndrome comes into play with the Family dynamic, even years after the abuse has stopped, I have known children protect the abuser , and not want them prosecuted for their crime, it is very complicated ,the main issue is how you can live with it and come to terms with it. ,made more difficult because you love your Mom.Perhaps an quiet conversation with your Mom by herself and ask the questions why she didnt protect you., how come he was more important.Good luck, you'll do it .

[jo929]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, would you feel better if you dad had been pinished for what he has done, also, I really do not think i could ever speak to my father, or anyone that has molested me, also Your MOm should have taken you to the Dr when you told her, I know that you are having a hard time dealing with this, but are you sure that he is not molesting other children, He needs to be punished for what he has done I do hope the therapist can help you, also is your mom helping you through therapy, or still in denial I hope things go well for you Luck Jo

[skram]

my father worked at a high school during this abuse, he kept his job, this was all before the sex offenders register was bought about, i was believed by no-one except 1 cousin, and i have an enormous extended family!! basically, i told a friend at school who told my teacher, who then went to the headmistress, i was told to go home and tell my mother what was happening, she slapped my face and told me she never wanted to see or hear from me again. i was then taken to the police station and made a statement, but because there was no physical evidence, nothing was done. i was completely ostrasized, i had to change schools, as my father worked at my high school!!! i was sent where no-one knew me or my family!!! i was taken into care straight away. my mother had nothing to do with me for 5 years, she came to see me in hospital after i had taken an o.d. i just couldn't take any more...i was 16. my mother knows i am in therapy, i think she secretly knows why, but will never bring the subject up, and i am too afraid to. i am hoping that maybe therapy will give me the strength to confront my parents, and be able to deal with the consequences afterwards, but i don't know if i ever will find that strength
thank you for your message
S

[guera82]

oh my..... in my opinon i think thst you shouldnt talk to your mother or your father anymore. Forget them how they forgot you. One question, if your daughter came to you and told you something like that and you slapped her in the face told her you'd never wanna see her agian and put your mate- your husband- just your partner before your own flesh and blood- your life- your seed- your baby girl..... Would you expect your daughter to ever come around you or even acknowedge that your her mother??? i wouldnt... With your father working at a high school you dont know if he ever touched someone else at school? Do you have sisters? Skram, im telling you, you are better than them! You deserve to not feel like an outsider. Having these people still envolved in you life makes yourt pain live on. Probabley even more so that your father sees you every 6 weeks and probabley doesnt even the balls to acknowledge thats hes a sicko!!! There are bigger better things to do with your life. How old is your brother? In my eyes he would probaley be the only one worthy of your presence. Forget your mother and your father. Its better to have no parents than to have a father you crossed the line and a mother who sent you away, slapped your face and said she didnt wanna see you. May her wish come true. She isnt good enough to have you around. She probabley assumes that you were lieing about your father because of the fact that you are still going around there. and she thinks that she was right. Its not the case. They shouldnt have the privledge to see you or your kids ever ever ever ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God Bless You and i wish you the best of luck.... My prayers are with you....\
Please use your head and let thoses individuals live their own life carma is a muther flyer and both of them will pay, one way or another. Just dont make them feel like they did nothing wrong, by visiting your just siding with them..

no offence or anything just good intentions and best of luck 2 u.

[skram]

no offense taken at all, its strange for me to hear other peoples opinions on this matter, i have told very few people, even my husband doesn't know all of what happened, but of the few people who do know they all say the same as all of you. i don't understand myself why i still see my family...maybe that is something i can figure out in therapy???
S

[guera82]

i think that you are looking for some kind off approval from them. But you do NOT need them. Tou were born into this world alone and one day you will pass alone. The people who created you (mother and father) in fact only concieved you, Anyone can have a baby. It take a mother and a father to love their children, trust their children, acknowledge their children, believe their chldren, and believe in their children. I would cut them as a lose. But not so much as a lose, maybe just a weight being lifted from my shoulders. They certainly do not have the RIGHT or PRIVALEDGE to have you, your husband or your kids be a part of their lives(not even youer dog if you have one). I highly belive in Carma, and what someone does today they pay tomorrow. You need to take that first step cut them from your lives and make them pay. They shouldn't even have the privaledge to hear your voice, to know your ok or anything. Your mother signed those rights away when she said she didnt wanna see you ever agian any your father the same when he decided to touch his daughter. He's a SICKO.
God Bless You. My prayers are with you to make the right decision. :-) Stay strong!!!! You are a beautiful indiviual and you deserve more than you give yourself credit for.
Never allow someone the feeling of "winning" when it comes to something like this. Because you are the winner, your the survivor, you are the person who is in charge of your own live!!!
Sincerly, Heather Martinez

[AnnaE]

If it helps at all, I have sought my family's approval, andthey continue to abuse me. I have heard other survivors say the same.

Your story prevented me from calling one of them tonight.

[guera82]

Anna good luck with everything, my prayers are with you, to be strong, and independent. :-)

[YogiDharma]

Starting out taking responsibility for once own life is always a challenge. It mirrors back on the childhood and the parents that we had growing up. As abused children not only do we have our own scares to deal with we also have the scares of our parents to deal with. This of course also mirrors on to our children in some ways and there is nothing we can do about it.

Ultimately what we can do is, do the best we can with what we got.

I have not shared this in the forum yet, but I guess it is time. I was like you sexually abused by my step-father and my mother was aware of it.
I was raped by my mothers boy friend at the age of 12 and spent a week in intensive care after that.
I just this past January 08 was able to leave an emotional, verbally, sexually and physically abusive husband.

My daughter is 17 and I have done the best that I could with her.

What I want to say with this is... you are not alone even when it feels that you are.

Many has asked me how I have manged to get through all of this, keeping sane and not loosing it. I kept on telling myself, I do the best with what I got. I have made mistakes believe me and I still do, yet it is part of learning and growing. It might not look like it right now, but it will make you stronger and a much better mother. Not to forget a much better partner to your husband.

It all starts with you... You are good enough. You are doing enough and you have enough.

I understand that you are concerned about your children and how this all will affect them, trust me they already know that something is wrong. You facing it and taking responsibility for it, that you are showing them that you are doing something to improve the situation is all they need. They know already that something isn't right. Children always do.

What is important with the children is to talk to them. Do not keep them in the dark about what is going on. They might not understand all of it, but they do get what is important. If it is possible, some family counseling is really good and supportive, also when it comes to the point of sharing your life story with your husband.

There will be times when it all feels like a big empty whole and there is nothing to hold on to, that everything is crazy and you might loose your mind. You are NOT loosing your mind. On the contrary, you are starting to wake up and become more aware of what is going on.

You are on the right track and doing the right thing. You have immense support here and there are many more out there ready to lend a helping hand.

You are cared for and loved, and you are good enough.

Namaste,
Dharma

[guera82]

you are a very strong woman i do salute you for your strength. ;-) may you have a blessed life, what one does today they pay tomorrow. remember that. prayers are with you. You are very supportive and that is exactly what scram needs. i wish she could have all of us stand by her side, and help her forget about them....

[skram]

thank you all so much for your support, i know i am not alone, with such wonderful people as all of you by my side.
many thanks and best wishes to you all
Sarah