nightmares, cant cope with it all..

[lizzy100]

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i was physically abused by my parents when i was younger, and i remember other stuff to do with my dad, but only bits and peices its kind of muddled. he used to sleep on the floor outside my room. id watch the crack of light in the door, scared. he was always really slimmy and wouldnt stop touching me and kissing me. as i got older id scream and scream till he got off me, sometimes he still wouldnt. i dont remember exactly what happnd, but i wonder whether something really bad happened. i remember when i was 12 thinking i was pregnant, and they used to lock me in my room and i had to throw up in my bin because they wouldnt let me out to go to the toilet. i dont know if i was just making it up at the time or what. i remember sometimes being in such bad pain i could hardly walk.
im 23 now and i still have nightmares sometimes. just seeing his face makes me feel sick. i have to go to see them soon and i dont know how i cope with it? pls help.

[guessagain]

Hope all goes well.

[lizzy100]

i have been there and done that. they made you crazy. they messed me about and one time id waited ages for an appt with my p doc and when i got there they had given my appt time to someone else, didnt tell me anything, so i was like whats going on here, and they were like o you cant see him becaue youv never seen him before. what do u mean iv never seen him before he came round my house and threatened to put me in hospital! anyway i ended up shouting like a mad person in the waiting room with everyone staring at me like i was as crazy as the rest of them. hence i hated the place.

im going to try and find out about this counselling service at work today eek,

[guessagain]

I had lots of good reasons not to go. Most of them planted in my mind as a child. Shame and guilt probably the strongest, and when I first walked into that "mental health" area, I felt as though the entire world was watching, it was terrible, but I had to do it. I had waited much to long.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, more people than you think are seeking it and all this person you mentioned has to know is that you would like to talk to someone, the someone you talk to keeps it all confidential.You will find that once you manage to step through the door, you have cleared a major hurdle.

[lizzy100]

im starting to think i need to talk to someone but i dont know how. im at uni most of the tme and i dotn want to go to the mental health centre because it would affect my career. someone mentioned to me a counselling service they knew which maybe they could see if they could see me, initially i said no, but now im wondering if i should get them to look into it but im scared of telling this person that i need help :O

[guessagain]

Some stuff gets buried pretty deep, have you thought about seeking out some good professional help? Maybe throwing that "don't tell" **** out the window and spilling your guts, it may make you feel better. I remember being called to a school counselors office because because of test scores. He said I was smarter than that and followed with "is everything alright at home"? In the brief conversation that followed, he tried prying it out of me several times, but no, I didn't rat anyone out. I wish I would have, and I understand why it's so hard, but something to think about is that the rest of your life is a very long time. Your too young to have to carry it that long.  

[lizzy100]

thanks, i do feel guilty about letting the family secret out. they always said we never tlk to anyone about what goes on in our house. they never used to let me speak to other adults, and when i did start talking to a teacher they got really angry and was like 'what are u saying to her'. i feel bad if i talk about them to anyone like im just b*tching about them and exaggerating or sumthing. its hard. maybe one day i'll be able to tell someone everything. i dont know.

[guessagain]

I have daughters, I can never understand what could possibly compel a father to sexually abuse his daughter, I'm sorry that anyone has to deal with it. I can relate to other abuse and the need to fake your feelings, acting as though everything is fine. It's a very lonely place to be. I'm guessing you have cautiously tiptoed around the topic with others and they don't want to hear it, it's uncomfortable for them, so you just stuff it again. Don't spend a lifetime trying to hold it back, and don't ever feel guilty about letting the family secrets out of the bag when you find someone to listen. Take care of yourself, do what you feel you need to do.    

[jo929]

never try to hold in your feelings and do not think it is to much to much to tell, because telling it is the only way you are ever going to get it out of your systym. and go foeward to the future, sometimes we find that the load is to much to bear, and we need to let someone help us, for awhile, and i think right now you need someone to help you through these things, do not let your parents browbeat you, look at it this way they have more to fear than anyone after what they have done, if they did this, you really need group therapy, if you ever want to lead a normal life you need to get rid of this exra baggage you are worrying about, so let it out, and try and forget  luck  jo

[margypops]

Well you can always come here to us ,write a journal many good folks do and it does help you get input from others some who have been through similar,, also  lessens the guilt that most abused people feel even though it is never their fault ...never. so lizzy when you feel bad come and offload there is always someone hanging out .willing to listen .

[lizzy100]

thanks guys. im away at uni now thankfully, but i just hav to go back and stay with them in the hols and thats bad enough. jo, i do remember some things, but other things are more sketchy, but i used to have nightmares about it to. i spoke to a therapist once about some of it and that i was scared my nightmares were real, and she said she thot they were, in that they had happnd.
my mum didnt sexually abuse me, just physically, but im sure she knew, and she knows now because she read my diary and id writen about my nightmares about him raping me and she never denied it or anything she just said should she be worried the police would turn up to arest him. my doc knows i was abused but not any details really. i think its all just too much to tell anyone.

[jo929]

I am sorry that you have been through what you have, but your post puzzles me can you not remember what happened at age 12 or 11, also was their any special thing you remember about mom. did you ever try to talk with mom. also with these nightmares it may be a good idea for you to see a Dr and talk with them about what has happened, also it is more important to get this out in the open and talk about it than put up with what you think you have to, your dad needs to pay for what he has done,you are going to have to face what has been done to you, before you can leave it in the past and if mom helped with abuse she needs to pay if things get bad that is why we are here talk to us anytime, remember one thing what has happened is not your fault, so pleses do noy go on a guilt trip  luck  jo

[margypops]

Then you do what you have to do and you look forward to the time when you will be able to leave home and live your own life if you are at Uni it is only a matter of time, when you get depressed switch your thoughts off focus on other things, like your work / and studies. Its our thoughts that make us feel bad.

[lizzy100]

thanks, unfortunatley i do have to, i dont really want to, all my mum does is shout at me the whole time, and i cant bare to be in the same room as my dad or speak to him so its kinds of awkward, but they pay my university fees and stuff so i have to do what they want to some extent.
iv seen a couple of counsellors but  it never really helped.
im doing well at uni and stuff but i guess its hard being on my own and i get kind of depressed and nothing really helps and i try to be normal but i guess i get fed up of pretending.

[margypops]

I am so sorry that you went through this no child should have this happen to them.. it is very sad. You dont have to do anything you dont want to do ,if this visit is going to make you feel bad, let it go , do you want to see them thats the question, its differant if you do, but dont let your self feel guilty for not going.Did you get therapy for what happened to you, any coping skills, how is your life going now apart from the night mares? sharing sometimes can help, it may be a good thing to get some more counselling now. Remember that you are adult now you are in control of your life, you decide if they win or not, by making your life count ,you choose if you move forward or if you dwell on the badness of others. Come back and let us know what you decide and please know we care .