older brother

[narla]

I'm a 47 year old female who from the ages of 7 to 10 was sexually abused by my brother who was 10 years older than me.At the time I didn't understand what was happening was wrong in fact I can't say it was horrible it was only as I became older and realized it wasn't normal that I felt the revulsion.I have been through counselling as an adult but found it useless in getting rid of my guilt,He would give me money & candy in my eyes I feel I was a prostitute at 7.I did confront him as a 26 year old,he said he couldn't remember,at least he didn't deny it.I told my parents 2 years later, they didn,t seem to worry about it and it was never talked about again,I don't think they even confronted him,my sister who was a baby at the time just said he never did anything to her and she still loves him,this all happened 40 years ago and I find it doesn't really get any easier.my mother died so my dad lives with us and he still talks to him which is really hard when I pick up the phone and hear his voice it brings back all the revulsion I feel towards him.How do you get it out of your head there are times when it's like a horror movie just picturing everything he did in that 3 year period.Does anyone have ideas on how to stop these visions.    

[margypops]

Like most victims you feel somehow it was your fault, and it wasnt, you did nothing wrong he was the perpetrator, unfortunatly what you have posted here is all too familiar amongst Families,and they always seem to bribe , many parents are not even aware of it happening or are in denial it could happen. What I would say to you is that you cannot ever erase the fact it happened ,what you can do is accept that it did happen ,there is nothing you can change now, when you start to think about it, know that it is only your thoughts making you feel so bad, 'getting it out of your head' means stopping the thoughts..It is impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a negative corresponding thought.The Truth is ,our thinking will always create the reality we perceive .You can actually get into a habit of switching off the thoughts that are negative and create the negative feelings. To some extent you will have to live with it, but you can minimise how you let it affect your life. Good luck

[narla]

It has already affected my life in a big way,I moved from the state I lived in so I would never have to be worried about bumping into him,I've been a heavy drinker from age 14 then an alcoholic from age 26 when I confronted him,by age28 I was also addicted to codeine it was my way of fogging the brain so I could sleep. Now 2 weeks ago I was told I have liver damage so I've had to stop the codeine & alcohol cold turkey.My doctors prescribed low doses of valium to help with the withdrawals but she has said no more than 4 weeks.

[margypops]

I am very sorry ,its not easy to deal with is it, have you recently tried to get some therapy just to be able to function and cope, after you have stopped taking the prescribed valium I was thinking there are natural supplements that can help, many folks take them with good ,helpful results.It may be something worth trying. Good Luck  

[jo929]

Have you tried joining AA or going to group therapy, i feel for you, and wish that i could wipe it all away, but we have to live the life we are dealt, and i know sometimes it is hard just try to remember you were not to blame, so why let him get away with makingyou sick let him know that you are taking over your life, and he is not part of it  They have group therapy also if you think that nught help  i know you wont forget, but you can say i wont let him win and get on with your life, go to another Dr, and he will give you something if you need it  luck  jo

[anonymous92]

I have been through nearly the same. Im just alot younger. Your post worries me, i havent told my parents and i dont want the abuse to haunt me for when im older. But i guess the only person that can stop that, is me.

[margypops]

That is a good perception anonymous ,its not easy but you are right you are really the only person can stop the thoughts and any behavior originating from the trauma you went through. If you can feel better and get on top of it, you will feel very enpowered ,it will strengthen you.,help you move on .Good Luck  

[anonymous92]

its just getting on top of it, seems endless and impossible.

[narla]

I'm in therapy now and it's going really well my therapist is the easiest person in the world to talk to and he's very intuitive,He's actually a youth worker but will work with adults that have problems stemming from their youth.He is the first person I've told my whole story to even the things that still sicken me.He is working on changing my thought processes of what happened and how I feel about myself,I'm seeing results but it"s a slow process.

[narla]

Get into therapy now don't wait,make sure your honest and tell your therapist everything even if you don't want to.I had therapy in my 20s but I wasn't totally honest with the therapist or myself and I'd drink alcohol before I went to try and relax,make sure when you go write down some questions you want answered,and make sure you have a clear head.What I'm also finding helpful instead of just telling my therapist everything I've written the harder stuff down he reads it and that opens up the harder discussions that are needed.

[anonymous92]

I had councelling, well 2 sessions. I hated the way it made me feel, i just regret it, i have feelings of embarrassment and i feel ashamed. I have put everything to the back of my mind and not spoken about it for a few months. Every now and then it really affects me but coursework is my main priority right now. So i dont know what to do. I just want to live a happy life.  

[narla]

I had a counselling session today this is my fourth session.Yes it's hard,I cried,I don't know how many times.I hated myself,I felt guilty,I thought I was worthless,But now I know I have to be strong I can't live with these thoughts anymore I have to remember I was a child.There's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed you need to get back in counselling and work through all your feelings and emotions and remember It's not your fault.Don't wait until your my age to work on your problems,memories will keep coming back unless there dealt with,I tried just ignoring it and that's why I ended up an alcoholic/and codeine addict It was what I needed to try to forget.Please if you can do the hard work now or it just gets harder.    

[margypops]

Great input here... doesnt it help to see others going through similar Trauma and how they are dealing with it, it is a revelation ,to see and feel how the process works, great for others to be able to read of your progress.Do you feel that the counselling didnt work at all for you anonymous,perhaps the begining is always very traumatic , its like reliving what happened .  

[anonymous92]

I didnt really get indepth enough to say i guess. I didnt feel comfortable with the woman i was with, she just sort of sat there waiting for me to talk and it felt awkward. Put me off a bit.

[anonymous92]

If i was to confront my brother, is there any advice you could give?

[narla]

That's a hard one,it depends on how strong your feeling at the time,be prepared for if he denies it,you know what happened and that is all that matters.I cheated I confronted my brother over the phone,my sister was getting married and he rang to wish her luck,I answered and he asked me why I don't have anything to do with him,why I don't talk to him anymore,so I just came straight out and said what do you expect you sexually abused me when i was a child,all he said was I don't remember,at least he didn't deny it,I spoke to my doctor about his reaction and she said if he truly did not remember he would have been angry at been accused of such a thing.If you are ready and really want to confront your brother just be direct and to the point, just tell him how you feel and what it has done to you,If he denies it then you tell him thats a problem he'll have to live with because you know what he did to you and you'll be getting on with your life regardless.Don't think for a minute that it will be easy, plan the time and how you'll approach him,but be strong and firm.

   Good Luck Denise

[anonymous92]

thankyou

[narla]

Please let me know if you decide to confront him,if you do let me know how it goes.Just make sure your ready and be strong.

        Take Care Denise

[anonymous92]

I dont think i would be strong enough to do it in person, also i think everything would come out wrong. I was thinking about writing him a letter. Maybe when im on a weekend away.

[narla]

If that's what your more comfortable with then that's the way to go,as I said I did it over the phone I've never confronted him face to face but I haven't seen him in about 24 yrs I have nothing to do with him,my choice.At least with a letter you can think about everything you've written, make sure it covers everything you want to say him.

   Good luck and keep in touch  Denise