older cousins sexual abused me when i was 5

[JazzE24]

I know I was touched sexually, when I was about 5 I remembered that my mom drop me off at my Great Aunts during the week to catch the bus, and my older boy cousins where there. They where 12 and 14 they would always make me sit in their lap and touch my private. I was young but I knew this was wrong and didn't like how that made me feel. I knew it was wrong, but I was afraid to tell my mom or anyone else. There was more girl cousins  around the same age as me, one was a sister of one of the boys, but I never understood why they never touched them. So one day I witness with my own eyes the 8 yr. old sister and the 12 yr. old brother actually have sex with each other. This was shocking to me because I was young never ever seeing this type of action in my life. I never saw anyone naked but myself so I didn't understand what was going on. The sister told me that she liked it and they been doing that since she was 4. Well to make a long story short I was terrified of men after all the touching my cousins done to me. I was even afraid of my father which he never try to touch me in a sexual way. I just was scared that he might touch me the way my older cousins did. I didn't like hugs from the opposite sex. So I dint know! I think what they done to me messed me up, I'm 26 yr. old and I have a 4 mth old daughter and a 5 yr. old son I trust no one to keep them at all. I am very fortunate that I have a husband who works and don't mind that I stay home to raise my children.My son is not in school yet, because his b-Day is late, but he goes this coming up school year. This makes me very scared, because I fear that someone will do this to him. My husband even suffer from this, because I dont trust him with the Kids either. I dont want to believe that he would do that, but like I said I don't trust anyone. I pray and ask God to look over them at all times, and to help me with the fear that I have about men. Plus I dont want to shelter my children. People tell me I have to let them go to learn about life, but I dont know about that. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I was 17 when I lost my virginity, it was peer pressure, but I done it anyway. So if anyone can help me please,because this is hurting my kids social life and mines too, plus it killing my marriage. Please tell me If need to get help.

[narla]

I'm glad your going to get the help,It will hel you to make the right decisions on your childrens upbringing.Good Luck and Best Wishes Denise

[JazzE24]

Thank you for helping me with this.  It's always good to get some objective advice. I really appreciate it. I feel good to know that it is people out there that care and understand. I also just told my mom about this 2 weeks ago, and she said I should have came to her back then, because she thought she was leaving me in a safe place. She said if she knew she would have never took me back over there. Well Thank you all again for helping me and I will get some help, because I feel that I will never get over this.

[narla]

I was sexually abused as a child also and went through exactly what your going through now.I told my husband I trusted him more than any other person on this earth,But that I still could not trust him 100%,He understood this and accepted it.My hardest times were when the kids went on school camps,the first time my daughter went I struggled with whether I should let her go or not,but I decided she needed to socialise with her peers,We did a lot of talking leading up to the camp,the two nights she was gone I slept in her bed cuddling her favourite stuffed animal,a dolphin.I was terrified but had to let her go.She is now nearly 27 and has never been touched inappropriately,I was very vigilant and like I said we talked constantly about everything,I also brought my kids up where they had a right to an opinion and their opinions were validated even if we didn't agree,so they knew that anything could be said to us and they would be listened to.My daughter in highschool was big breasted and came and told me immediately when a young male teacher made comments to her in front of others about her breasts,you need to always keep lines of communication open.Try to relax ,I know It's hard but counselling would be a benefit to you.Best Wishes   Denise

[margypops]

I am so sorry this happened to you, it unfortunatly is not unusual, I think some therapy may help you , it is good sometimes to be able to speak about it, I can see why you would be protective of your children and I understand you not wanting them, out of your sight.At 4 month old and five year old I dont think they  have to learn about life'and they dont need a big 'social life you can take them out to parties etc and let them play the most important thing is being with you and their Dad,.I think some therphy will help you get over some of the fear about your husband  ,it would be good if you let go of that  .There are teachers at school to be aware of any behavior and they will be with children their own age ,not older kids..Not easy I know but with some help you will be okay ..Good Luck