parent abuse?

[minivillain]

Hello, I’m 17 and I feel I’ve been abused and don’t really know what to do.

As long as I can remember my father has been mean to me. He always called me things like moron, idiot, worthless, just constant insults for no reason. He seemed to always be mad at me, I specifically remember wasting several of my birthday wishes on him, that he would just miraculously change. He turned my away from sports completely. When I was little, I tried many things. I wanted to be like the other kids but always ended up hating the sports because my dad always told me how bad I was and that I wasn’t trying. I remember one time he got so mad after a soccer game (that I played in, despite my fever of 101) he whipped me with his belt.(On my bottom) I was so scared to tell him that I just went… He never really did anything physical though, that is the worst he got with that.

My mom always said that was his way of showing that he loved me.

Last summer my dad got angry with me again for not knowing how to cook spaghetti. He exploded on me, and I returned the favor for the first time. I told him that I hated him and asked him ‘what kind of father treats his son like this’? I have never been so angry in my life, I was shaking. I told him I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore. I ran to my mom, in tears, telling her how much I hated him for the first time in such emotion (she already knew I didn’t like him though) I told her that she had to do something and that I couldn’t live like this anymore. She said she would do something : She always did. After standing up to my dad for the first time ever, I feel reborn… that didn’t last long. (although I didn’t talk to him nearly as much after) About a month or so later I realized that once again she wasn’t going to do anything, and that she was part of the problem because she ignored me.
I’m sick of this, of everything. I know there’s a problem because lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized two things.
1. I have no self-esteem. I never want to do things in front of people and I’ve never even asked a girl out.
2. I realized why I play video games so much. Because it is an escape from my problems.

I want to leave them, I want to live a normal live but I don’t know what to do. I need advice…

Just for the record this is the first time I’ve opened up about all of this.

[teko]

It sounds to me like a lot of what you feel is normal conflict, for a boy your age.  I did not like my mom when I was 14, thought I knew it all and all that. But let me tell you, if I dared stand up and yell or talk to one of my parents the way you did, I would not have walked for a month.  I think you are going thru the transition of a snotty nosed rebellious kid to that of a young man, an it aint easy.  My guess is, one day you will look back and chuckle to yourself. You have a lots of stuff going on right now and you are overwhelmed. You are of the age of being independant, learning to drive, work, separate from mom and dad and become your own man. Dad probably could handle things better but hey, lots of parents are people too, and anything but perfect.

[SeriousSam]

A couple of things.

1) Teach yourself to cook, do laundry etc.  you are old enough where you should know the basics.  Your parents BOTH should have taught you how to do that, change a tire etc.

2) Get a job.  This way you can move out as soon as you are old enough become emancipated and start working to finish school and college.  You will probably have to switch to a public school also.

3) I assume you have a car they bought you?  If it is paid for remember that it is an asset.

4)  If you can't have a child adult relationship try to make it an adult-adult relationship.  Do more to show that you are growing up.

5) Get counseling!  I assume from some things stated that you come from a family with decent income ask for PROFESSIONAL counseling, not the highschool stuff.  And remember in the US if you are 13 or older you can kick in with a request to have them sealed from your parents.

Just some thoughts...

[masseur]

hi

[Cherie762]

Hi...your Dad likely does love you but has a messed up way of showin it...he probably wants you to have a better life as an adukt there fore expects you to be about perfect,,,you verbalise yourself well,,,you have toi be intelligent to do that so...lets establish your not stupid infact you are very bright. You have to be emotionally in touch to share all these feelings so lete establish that your sane and kind,See so for you got a lot going for you despite your Dads verbal abuse..words hurt daggers to the heart.

The upside you dont have to live at home too much longer...try to get your goals in order.Do well in school.My sons a senior hes joining the service when he graduates ,,its not for everyone,,,but with the economy being what it is he will be getting a college education...free housing ,,,good medical dental optical,,,free clothes and food.As long as he comes home alive and without ptsd its great.  I dont want him to go but hes gonna be 18 as you will be you get to make your own decisions then...choose wisely ..you got some time to think about it,
Does guilt work with your Dad,,,ever look at him and be not angry but say i will never treat my kids the way you treat me....or Dad incase you care i am a human and you truely hurt my heart...maybe he needs to hear those words.

[snglma]

Your father probably does love you, and some men who were treated this way by THEIR fathers tend to act this way thinking it is ok.  It's not.  Your father is a bully.  And I hate to say this, but lower educated people tend to turn to this belittling approach too because they do not konw how to express their thoughts coherently. I myself am a 23 year old woman who has been verbally abused and belittled.  I just returned from iraq and am the mother of a beautiful young child.  I am raising my son with positive affirmation because of how I raised.  Children who are praised tend to grow up with better self esteem and better relations with their parents.
I am not religious, I am spiritual, but listen to me when I say that you should join a church.  You think it is tied to religion, and yes it is, because in the eyes of the Lord, in a church, you are all equal.  They make wonderful support groups in themselves.  A youth group would be a good idea for you.  No one is too old to have a Big Brother either.  These are things you can do for yourself without parental permission.

[margypops]

Anna  says here dont let the posts here discourage you and infers we are negative. read the whole thread you will see for your self this person is definatly trying to be argumentative and cause trouble .

[AnnaE]

Therapy is available to almost everyone. You must make the choice that is best for you. Seek positive peer relationships and healthy interactions with mentors. Undergraduate years can be a wonderfulexperience, and also a wonderful time to get help. I went back to school at 31, and I was terrified at my huge universiy. However, I got a lot of help. Even some counseling. Be aware that few counselors are perfect, and rarely is the first one a perfect match, in case you decide to go into therapy.

Keep asking for help, and I believe you will continue find a lot of people who care about you. I find it good the think about and aim for health. Making healthy choices every day is a good option for eveyone..

[margypops]

I am sure you are a discerning enough young man to know my post wasnt negative and I was trying to encouarage you, not discourage you , I have known other young people who have taken up fencing and went to Culver Cityin LA where they taught the Movie stars to fence for their Movies, it should be able to give you some good self esteem and you get to meet a lot of interesting people.I am sorry your Mom is always on your Dads side , and it must be a trial that they argue, Good luck

[minivillain]

@ RockRose
I am a Junior.
A problem I have is that I really don't have any way to talk to a professional therapist to work out my serious self-esteem problems, and I feel like its going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
I'm planning on going to UGA or Auburn, my parents wont be helping me out with college at all. I'm interested in the Physical Therapy and Sports Medicine fields at the moment. I always wanted to help people without all the needles and stuff. I'm currently volunteering at a Physical Therapy office just down the road from my school.
@ Margypops
Whenever I stand up to my father now my mother ALWAYS takes his side. They continue to argue with me for hours and hours over nothing, just to assert their authority.
Also, I started Fencing this year, which I'm enjoying. I told my mom that if she brings my dad to one of my fencing tournaments I'll stop telling her where they are.

Also, thank you for all your responses, its good to know there are people who care.

[margypops]

You have your self ,you are a young man with the  self confidence to write this  and look for support ,my guess is that there were a few problems between your Mom and Dad and this has translated over to you and your Mom has been your ally, this is good, and bad ,as she has possibly not helped you to see your Dad  for the Man he is ,I read he seemed impossible for you as a child but there could be some help here , you said your mom said it was his way of saying he loved you, I think that is true. Hey remember one thing, you are in control now ( well almost) of how much you get out of your life , join a bunch of clubs,gym, sport, listen to people and if your Dad is abusive in any way you tell him what you think, do not take it , be up front and say what you feel , it may help, I suspect he really has a lot of feelings for you ,and there is miscomunication.

[RockRose]

mini,  are you a senior this year?  I have a son who is also a senior,  and I just sense that you are  on the right track and you have a strong heart.

It's great that your school has assigned you a counselor - they care about you and know that you are struggling.  Don't be afraid you don't know what to say - you said it so well in your post here.  Can you just print that out and walk in before school to get help?

Can you manage to stick it out the rest of the year?  As hard as that seems,  that will help you get a lift off to your adult life.  If you aren't being physically abused - just try to get through this last year and listen to your counselors and teachers about what to do in your future.  

Do you have college in mind?  Trade school?

I hope you keep posting.  You sound like a really interesting young man,  and you'll get through this.

[minivillain]

You all are correct in you assumptions, I do not use drugs for recreation.

Yogi, I searched the area for teen shelters first, we don't seem to have any. My school assigned me a counselor, but they're always so busy and I really don't know what to say. I guess you could say I'm scared. I also don't have a car, or even my license, and i'm relatively new to the area so I really don't have that great of friends that would drive me somewhere yet.

[YogiDharma]

Find out if there is a school counselor. Normally approaching the Dean is all you need to do in order to find some support on that account. Let them know you need someone to talk to ASAP.

Second, find out if there are any Teen Shelters around in your area. It might be a way for you to get some space and at the same time, if you are able to find a really good shelter, they provide therapy for both you and your parents, support and guidance in what to do next. Also, they will help you continue with school.

Third, you are strong and have a very wise head on your shoulders. You seem to be free of substance abuse and drugs which is very good.

It is about the time where you need to move out and make it on your own anyway. You can do it, yet find support in your area and with the counselor at school, that would be the first step.

Namaste,
Dharma

[AnnaE]

That you are not alone, will not heal you. Therapy and group therapy can help a lot. Looking to lay people to cure it does not always work. Personally, however, Teachers and therapists have saved my like.

I am a woman, but so little is heard from men, andthis increases their distance from others. They do not often talk. Fathers should be prepared to love and teach their children, as mothers do the same, perhaps differently. It is a tragedy when chilkdren, perhaps especially sons, do not have a parent who loves and guides them.

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself, and seek the company who have the belief that parents are important, and that this is everyone/s need.

[RockRose]

minivillian,   you're not alone.  This is the plight of boys who have fathers who are cold and distant and not affirming.  One good thing for you,  it appears you aren't in any kind of legal trouble or substance abuse.  

Keep it that way.

Are there any men in your life - uncles,  teachers,  grandfathers - who affirm you?  That's what you need - adult male affirmation.

Best wishes.  You sound very wise for  your years.