physically abused as a child

I was physically abused as a child and have been in denial for years.  My sister  faced the fact a long time ago but abuse still has effected both of our lives in negative ways.  Although our personalities are so different we both approached dealing with it differently.  Neither of us has been able to handle intimate relationships with men.  Both of us tend to go after abusive men...it's like we drew them.  We have both excepted we cannot handle close and intimate relationships with men and have abandoned ever having long term intimate relationships.  My sister dealt  with life as a fighter, angry at the world, in pain inside.  I dealth with life in a forgiving way and allowed people to walk all over me. The more a man would be abusive to me, it was like I would try harder and harder to please them, not wanting to let go and the more I forgave their actions and made it okay to treat me abusively.  It still scares me to see a man get angry.  Over the last few years my anger has surfaced, I am out of denial and I have times of rages and have become somewhat aggressive.  How much of this is from my Bipolar and how much is  due to the abuse, I do not know.  Perhaps the abuse has lead to Bipolar, I don't know.
How has other people dealt with physical abuse as a child and how has it effected your life and how has it effected your behavior as an adult. Does witessing a man's anger still scare you? Were you angry at yourMom for allowing the abuse and do you see your mother was abused also and scared?

[jo929]

i am sure there will be lots of people come forward that has had the same problem, i am so sorry that you and your sister had to face this and i do hope you had the abuser put away where he can abuse no longer i know that you need help in dealing with this so i shall just wish you well for bow i am good at listening  jo

[heyjude1]

No, it was my Dad.  I suppose I should explain a little more.  
He also suffered from mental illiness and had the severe shock treatment that were given in the 50's.  He  was given valium for over 40 yrs. from the VA and he abused them but none of us understood addiction all those years.  When I was young, he would have rages.  If we did something wrong, as children do, he would whip us hard, really too hard with a razor strap.  I went to school many times with huge marks on my legs, arms, back, etc. and so did my sister.  If one of us was getting a beating and the other cried for them, he would beat both of us.  He treatened my mom with a knife to her neck twice that I remember.  Please don't get me wrong, I loved my Daddy more than anyone on Earth, I still do.  He passed away 3 yrs. ago at 96.  He apolgized to my and sister and I both many times when he was older.

My Dad said when he was a boy, his Dad would tie him up and beat him with a horse whip and he thought he was doing right.  His Dad was suppose to be mean from what I hear with a temper and went into rages. I don't blame him, he was doing what he thought was normal because that is what he knew.

My Dad was a good and loving Christian man.  I love him and miss he everyday.  So, I can't blame him.  

Unknowingly, he caused alot of issues for his daughters.  I'm sure he had alot of issues from what he went thru as a child. I never layed a hand on either of my children.  I pray I have broke the cylce in the family curse.  

[MrsMacDugle]

Sorry to hear that you had an abusive relationship with your male role model.  Mine was different.  I was abused by my step/adoptive mother.  My father was the one that sat on the sidelines & drunk himself into a deep stupper so that he didn't have to acknowledge the pain his wife was causing on his children from his 1st marriage.  He also became a workaholic.  So even though I know the pain that you may have undergone, I had a similar problem with men that mistreated me because of the sexual traumas that occurred to me when I was just a wee child.  At the tender age of 10yrs I was raped by a stranger & then at yet a pivotal point in our life from child to adult at the tender age of 18yrs I was gang raped while attempting to serve our country in the military.  So even though my physical abuse came from a female role model the sexual abuse came from strangers that made me a walking & breathing doormat.

I did finally explode.  I've been in recovery now for 15yrs.  And during this time of recovery I've discovered that I created several distinct personas to help me cope with all the traumas along my life's journey.

I'm finally in control of all of us & we take a concensus every so often to see who can best help me in my current events of daily life but I'm all the stronger for what I've survived.  I was in denial for far to long, most of my life 30+yrs.  So you see it's never to late to recover.  I'm now finally in a very loving & honest relationship of 12 glorious yrs with my current spouse.  But I wouldn't have him if I hadn't found the Lord.  My God & Savior 16+yrs ago.  For through him all things are possible.  I'm now clean for 20+yrs as I offered up the drugs to him to prove that he was truly there as my faith in him had been shattered for him allowing me to suffer through so much.  But now I know that I survived all that I survived so that I could relate better to those that are still suffering or have suffered through similar situations in their life.  I am also now 16+yrs of being sober.  As that was my final vice that I had to offer up to him, for him to take it away & keep it away from me.  I know that through him all things are possible.

I know that without God in my life now I would not be here.  I was in the darkest point of my pit when I found him & I will shout his glory from every mountain top now that I've found him.

May you find comfort & strength in him too.

[heyjude1]

Hi, oh, I have found him.!  I was so lost as an adult until I found him.  I too went thru addition to drugs and it has been since Dec. 1985 that I have used, no desire what so ever. I have battled with depression and bipolar for years and  I agree with everything you say...The Lord took us down the path we walked for a reason.  We are to help one another on this Earth and I hope that I have helped those going thru similar circumstances.

I am so glad I found Him.  I just cannot make it thru this life with out his love and guidance.  I was lost for so many years, wondering, lost, feeling like something was missing but not knowing what it was but yearning for that missing piece....I have found it and I am so very grateful to have Him in my life.  I pray for the people who are still searching and know they will find him if they will only open the door to him.

As I have become older, I have finally excepted why I  have had so many issues with relationships with men.  I no longer yearn for a relationship as I have learned that I am finally at peace with myslef.  It would be nice to have a man in my life but I doubt seriously if I would ever give a man a chance.  I am at peace with myslef and my whole life gets so out of wack when I try to have a relationship.  I've accepted this and once I excepted who I am, peace has come. I am also so very grateful that I am not full of anger and hate over the past and I am at peace with it also.  I would hate to have to carry around all that anger all my life, it would be miserable.

I am so happy that you have overcome your past.  It must have taken alot of work on your part going thru all of abuse you went thru but now you are on the other path that the Lord has led you too.  

Thank you for caring and sharing your story, you are an inspiration. Thank you so very much.    

[MrsMacDugle]

I'm thankful that you've finally found peace of mind, body & spirit through God too.  It has been a true blessing having him in my life.

No I'm not completely over my traumas but I'm still in therapy, pulling off the scabs & seeking out the puss of the past so that I can lift it up & out to God & allow the healing to begin.  

I told the Lord that if I were to have a life partner & spouse he would bless me with him & if I were to ever have a child that he would bless me that way too.

As I had suffered through 11 miscarriages & finally had to have a partial hysterectomy in 1994 & than 3yrs later I had to have the rest of it removed.  And the doctor that performed the 2nd surgery said that the 1st doctor should have taken it all in 1994.

Well I'm thankful now that I found the Lord as he did bless me with my husband & our one & only child.  I received this beautiful, wonderful young girl at the tender age of 6 & she hated being a girl because her mother was to busy with her 1/2 brother to care much about her.  She felt like her mother loved her baby brother more than she loved her.  But the Lord knew what he was doing, as he had already broken the chains of abuse with me.  I had all the love & more to smother her with.  I spoiled her.  She's grown now & has left home but she is still my only child & through her I mended a lot of my broken & wounded child.  

I know that you say you're content without a man in your life, but if you were to ask our heavenly father for a help mate he would truly send you one.  He blessed me with so much since I restored Him into my heart & life.

Take care my friend for God is with you & will always be on your side.

[heyjude1]

Thank you for telling me your story of joy the Lord has gifted to you.  Maybe some day I will ask him for that mate but right now is not a good time in my life to ask for that.  I have alot of stuff going on right now and I don't tink it would be fair to bring a man into my life now.  But maybe when I get thru this stuff, I will ask him.  

[MrsMacDugle]

Thank you for the compliment on my life & the joy that the Lord has gifted me with.  I know that I am one of his faithful servants & that I'm a prayer warrior.  If there is ever a need just ask for additional support from me & I shall lift it up in prayer.

I know that he is there & that he does listen to me & answer each & every one of the prayers.  He answers in his time & his way but I know that he answers each of them.

I know that you may be undergoing a lot of transitions right now.  I've been thrown into & I'm through Menopause & I'm thankful for that factor to be done & overwith.  The emotional upheavals that I went through were horrific.  The hormonal infuctuations were the least of the problems I was going through at the time.  I was also in therapy for the 1st time in my life to face & learn to cope with the abuse from childhood.  I'm thankful that I survived.

May God bless you & keep you all the day through.
Debra

[heyjude1]

I just reread your posts and I want to tell you again, thank you.  Your words mean alot to me.  You are  very caring person and I'm glad I have met you.  Take care, Jude.