please help me, Married to my husband for 6 months & he physically assaulted me
My life is completely turning upside down. My husband and I were together for less than 6 months when we decided to get married. I work in a public sector job and when they found out my husband has previous domestic violence charges with his previous girlfriend, they warned me about him. I was an IDIOT, I told them he would never do that to me, he has changed. I almost lost my job because of the fact that he has charges and it's a conflict of interest with my job.
We have been fighting non stop since we moved in together days after we got married. It started off him getting angry at little things and swearing (not at me). Then it turned into verbal abuse and he started calling me names. I am also guilty, I started calling him names back, whatever he did to me I would do It back to him. I also have serious anger issues, we are both like the same person, any little thing gets him angry, and same with me, I get so angry and it's hard for me to become calm, my anger just rises. We usually make up after our fights and are happy and so in love again.
Being of East Indian culture has A LOT to do with our relationship because our families are strongly connected. They find out about our arguments right away and sit down and talk to my side of the family. My mom LOVES my husband, he is SO respectful to his entire family, my entire family, his mom is constantly nagging him but he will never talk back to his mom or be disrespectful towards her, the only person he is disrespectful towards is me. I tell him stuff his mom does that makes me upset, she is a very rude mother in law, and when I talk bad about his mom in anyway, it sets him off.
The other day we got into a verbal argument, it escalated and we both starting cursing and swearing at each other. He told me to get out of his truck and walk home, middle of the night, middle of no where. I said no and didn't move. He opened the passenger side door and proceeded to push me out of the truck. I started crying and screaming. I called my mom to pick me up.
When my mom came, he apologized to my mom, said I just pushed her slightly and he knows he was wrong and he loves me and would never hurt me (he said he was never going to let me walk home alone, he was just saying that out of anger). My mom told him it was okay, and I started yelling at my mom for taking his side when all I wanted to do was get out of there.
Since that day I told him I want to live separately and went to my moms. His mom called my mom and said for me to give him another chance because he is crying. He is SO manipulative and I can see right through him. I have been crying non stop for 5 days, no sleep, SO emotionally and mentally breaking down. He has been out with friends having a good time. When I finally told him I don'\t want to be with him, he started crying to his mom. Then when I asked to be separated, he came to my house, started crying in front of my mom, hugged her and apologized to her and brought HIS CLOTHES TO MY HOUSE so he can live here, when all I wanted was space. My mom told me to stop bringing up the past and to move forward with him. She told me when he gets angry, I should keep my mouth closed because I have anger issues too.
Doesn't he sound like a manipulator? Is this his plan, to manipulate my family? Whats worse for women in indian culture is that his mom called my mom and said, there's something wrong with your daughter. Even when I asked his family about his previous domestic violence charges, they said his girlfriends were crazy and had something wrong with them. I feel like wtf is going on? Everyone's blaming me.
The other day he called me 100 times and I wouldn't pick up, until finally he texted me saying he's going to the hospital because he can't breathe and he's going to die. I KNEW he was manipulating me to call him, and I finally did because I was worried about him. He was fine, he just wanted to talk to me so he lied.
I have NO family support, my family is on his side and has told me if I don't want to be with him I can leave my place and live somewhere else.
He tells me he loves me, he will get counselling, he knows what he did was wrong but we both have anger issues that we need counselling for. I agree that I have serious anger issues, but I would never hit him, i'm half his size, but also I have no criminal record and I will not risk my job by putting my hands on him. To be truthful, he has 2 prior domestic violence charges with 2 different girls. I just wanted advise based not on his past, but the fact that I have anger too and I verbally abuse him too, so maybe it's my fault as well. That's the only reason I want to give him another chance by us going to counselling. The fact is that anything he does, I get spiteful back to him. He used to ask me where I am, what friends I was with, and I got jealous when he was with his friends and started controlling him telling him to be home for a certain time when he's with his friends or getting angry if he wasn't back in time...what i'm trying to say is it's not just him, its me too, but because he got physical, I don't know what to do.
What do I do, I don't feel like I even know him anymore, he told me he is not afraid to do more jail time. He has nothing to lose, he works for his family so even with a record he has a good job and gets paid well. He spent a year in jail for domestic violence, but his family has money so they bail him out easily.
You need to leave, immediately. There is no other option. He is not going to change, he is going to get worse. Divorce him. At the same time you need to get help from a professional. You will never be in a healthy relationship if you are quick tempered. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I really believe this relationship is doomed. I think you know that too.
The only reason I still want to try the relationship is because I am very angry too. I have never been in a relationship and im 24 now. He has been in many. Being the first relationship, I started swearing at him because he did it to me. But also when he isn't home on time Id call him and start yelling at him. I get mad and jealous when he hangs out with his friends, he never gets jealous if i am with my friends, and it doesn't bother him like it bothers me.
One time he told me to get out of his car when he was driving and he left me on the street to walk home. Then a few months later to get back at him i did the same thing to him and told him to get out of my car. Never in my life would i have ever left him on the street until he did it to me. But then i realized i was wrong felt so bad and came back to pick him up, he never even looked back when he had left me on the street.
I realize I have serious anger issues too, that's partly why my mom doesn't care to take my side, she knows I have anger issues so she thinks its all me, since he is so nice to her. But I'm trying to figure out if he is just manipulating his family and mine, or is he really a great guy and i'm the one that's messed up.
Everyone is saying its me and he is a great guy. They don't seem to get that he put his hands on me, and no matter what that's wrong. All ive asked him for is to do counselling separately and space so i want to stay at my moms and he stays at his place. He showed up at my place with his clothes telling me he is going to stay with me if i wont come back to him and starts crying to my mom, and my mom took his side. I tried to tell my mom he yells and swears at me, and he goes show your mom text messages then if i swear at you. Then i realized he never swears at me in text its always in person. His mom goes, ive seen all the text messages, your the crazy one. So he shows his mom my texts, he is 28 years old!!
Ps: how do i get help from a professional, what kind of therapist do i search for? If i'm trying to control my anger and learn to be in a healthy relationship in the future at least...
You need to talk to a Therapist, that deals with Anger Management.
No one here is going to be able to make your mind up for you, that's apparent by your reply to the first comment, so i'm not gong to try.
If, I had not left my abusive partner, i would not have found the love of my life, where there is never a discouraging word. We may have little spats because one or both of us are HALT, (hungry , angry, lonely, or tired), but it is nothing more than surface flotsam that blows away as quickly has it comes. Nothing deeply hurtful, EVER.
It's your choice what type of man you think you deserve, moving forward. One thing though, if you stay, you both need marriage counseling and anger management therapy. This in itself will not GUARANTEE that the abuse will stop. Your mother has proven to you that she will not take you in. so YOU need to put money away from your civil servant job, so that you have funds to leave. And you shouldn't have to hide the money that you are putting away. I sure wouldn't. I would say that in order for me to come back, and do the marriage counseling, i need to save, in case things don't turn out the way i had hoped.
One thing you need to think about is this. He was out with his "friends" ,? in between his crying jags with his mother and yours? He was shedding crocodile tears, and was out with whom ? single friends ? having a little party, after sending you into a major depression. That's very telling i'm afraid of what's likely to come.
I was in a marriage that started off that way for 16 years. At first I was like you. I knew I could be a brat & I was responsible for my actions. I would say or do things to try to make my husband understand how it felt to be treated so badly. I always felt guilty about it. When I finally realized that he never cared, it made things worse for me & that on top of the hurt of having someone that is supposed to love you say & do horrible things, I had to feel guilty for my actions, I stopped retaliating. He never stopped. I spent 16 years keeping my mouth shut & being scared. Get out now. It won't get better. He won't change. It's not you. It's him. Yes, you have to get a hold of your anger, but do it without being with someone that scares you.
Honey, you have to get out! You said the only reason you want to stay is because you are very angry too but I'm sure what he's doing to you isn't helping your anger! You need to leave and seek counseling. It must be really hard with your family taking his side. Him saying he has no problem going back to jail is huge warning sign! You are so young-please don't let this man destroy or possibly take your life.
I was in an abusive relationship as well, not married, but we lived together for 3 years. It only ended after I finally called the police and restraining orders were put in place...otherwise it may not have ever ended. I get pretty angry too and would react to things he would say and do, kind of like you so I understand completely. I realize this post is somewhat old but I really, really hope you have found a way to leave. Try a womens shelter, go the the police, just do whatever you can to leave before something dangerous happens. I hope you are okay!
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