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1136549 tn?1297290993

plz help me..

I really don't know where to start... All I know is when i was around 8 i was molested by a older man (70's) we was always close til then. Then i started acting out. I know the differecne between right and wrong but, it seems not to matter most of the time when put in certain situations. Around 13 I started sneeking out with 25 year old man. I never done anything with him sexually (he touched my leg and i had a panic attack.) I started talking to other guys very soon after. Younger more around my age. My first real boyfriend came to the house regularly. My dad who was rarely around just didnt care or didn't realize. My first time I don't know if its classified as rape but he was dragging me to the bedroom in a jokiingly fasion. I was screaming for my brother to help me I really don't know if he took me seriously but, he said this is on you and let him drag me in there. He started kissing me and wanted to go further. I said no repeatedly. He was getting kind of forceful and finally I just laid there. I was thinking is this is what it suppost to feel like when a guy loves you? I still remeber it very clearly the empty pain that set itself into me over and over. After that I started reaching out for any male. Guys at that age really only want one thing. I've been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship (phisically) I just wanted to be loved. I find it very hard to say no to a man even now. I'm 28. I'm still reaching out wanting to be loved in all the wrong ways. I'm a married mother of 2 boys. Its very sad and frustratin that I feel like this all the time. I feel like a sexual freak. Love is not in sex for me. I*t never has been. I never start out sexually turned on its like another part of me takes over. I can't tell my husband. He would leave me for sure if he knew that at night I make up people in my head. People that isn't real at all. They are always perfect never a flaw. Just someone that loves me. Never hit me or cheat on me. Always being romantic. I know I'm crazy. I do go to a doc for being nutty. I guess I'm just lost. Am I desitine to be a ***** for the rest of my life? Thats the way I feel. I've not cheated on my husband in the 8 years weve been together. But, its not that I dont day dream about it. I'm really struggleing with this. I guess its easier to talk to people that I never have to see. I want to die alot. I feel so dirty. I feel like I'm doing this to myself. Its all my fault. I've never even told my doc all this and I've been going for years. plz help..
9 Responses
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1136549 tn?1297290993
The doc was in a rush today.. He increased my dosage on my med and told me to come back in 3 weeks. Maybe then I can talk to him.
Helpful - 0
1079218 tn?1297028844
My dearest young one,

I've sent you a PM that both gave you personal details of my own trauma those that I've shared privately with Narla & heyjude, There are others that I've shared the top surface material with but my most horrific traumas I've only shared with others that I feel may benefit from knowledge of past lack of coping & now present day coping skills.  I know that you will try your best to have your therapist hear you but if he still makes light of it, please tell him that you no longer wish to continue with him as your therapist.  You really need to be heard & have acceptance of your past trauma & acknowledgement that the trauma was truly horrific not a cake walk.  

Please do this for yourself, if your therapist still treats it like there is no substance to the trauma, seek a new counselor one that has previous experience with the sexual traumas that you've suffered through.  Granted the physical abuse is a secondary trauma all of it's own validity but the sexual trauma trumps it, you really need to have someone that will be able to assist you through the emotional damage that has been done as well as the physical damage.

Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
I am so glad we have been able to spare our children from the type of abuse we suffered,my daughter is now 27 and my son is 25 they both know what I went through at the hands of my brother,their uncle,they choose to have nothing to do with him,As they were growing up I know I was overprotective to the extent I volunteered at their school helping in the classroom with numeracy and literacy so my children were always close by,I also went on every school excursion or camp with them,was I overprotective or did I just make sure they didn't suffer like me.Both my children have thanked me for always been there and watching out for them and neither of them were ever abused,they are now happy well adjusted adults that can just live their lives,unlike my own life as an adult where I had to deal with all the mental suffering because of the abuse.

Denise
Helpful - 0
1136549 tn?1297290993
ty each for careing enough to comment. this life has had its ups and downs for us all. I'm trying to put the past in the past. Looking at each day with new hope. My kids and husband deserve that. I deserve that. The weather improving is helpin alot. I have less time to dwell and more time for doing the things I love to do. My flowers are all starting to bloom it to me seems like things are changeing. I go back to my doc on the 29th I'm gonna try and spill it. I look at my boys everyday and pray they never go threw the things this world has placed upon myself and others. I think of the bad things I would do to that person if it did. My children are so peaceful and blind to the nasty world we all live in. My tears and nightmares can't save them. I feel so helpless. Sometimes its  hard to trust people. In fact its always hard to trust people. I wish I was tall enough that i could place everyone one my shoulders and keep them safe from this pain. I wish no person ever had to suffer again. I can't save the world. I know I'm rambleing I'm sorry I guess I feel to much. Thank you all again. I hope you all have safe happy lives.
Helpful - 0
1192491 tn?1265031829
I read your thread again and wanted to tell you that probably 99.9% of all people have fantasies about others but the important thing is you did not act on your fantasies.  They are just fantasies.
But the real reason I wanted to write you again is to say, I can relate very much to your comment that you just want to feel loved.  I understand that feeling and it is normal to want and need to give and feel loved, but the important thing is that we must be careful about whom we try to get that love from.  Be cautious with your heart but let her rip with someone that deserves your love and that you trust with your heart.

When this need puts us in places that we are so needy for love that we lose ourselves and allow people to walk on us like a floor mat or get physically abusive, run...that is not love nor is it healthy to take abuse for fear of rejection.  Yes you may crave that love from that person but that is not healthy love...that is sick love.  You deserve love as much as anyone else but you deserve healthy love, you are worthy of that love and never accept less.  Thank you, hey jude
Helpful - 0
1192491 tn?1265031829
You don't have to spill out everything at once, it takes time to trust a stranger.  I would just mention you have some abuse issues, but you are not ready to talk about them yet but want to in the future....that's all you have to say.  Your therapist will respect your wishes and give you time to discuss things that are not easy to discuss.  Take care.
Helpful - 0
1136549 tn?1297290993
yes i am seeing a therapist. I just don't know how to say it to people. its soooooo much easier on here. I like my therapist i really do but he makes things seem so light ya know like its not a big deal. he knows there was sexual abuse just not to the extent it happend and the downward spirl I'm still going threw. TY both for commenting. much love and hugs. I'll get threw this i always have.
Helpful - 0
1192491 tn?1265031829
I too have been where you are and I think it all started due to the abuse.  Narla is correct, you must be honest with your doctor.  Are you seeing a therapist?  It took me years to get over my past, but, you can get past it and be a stronger woman for it.  I wish you peace, and please don't stop seeing a therapist and be honest.  God bless..
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
You need to be honest with you doctor,he needs to know everything if he is going to help you.I'll send you a PM so you can see I have been through a similar childhood.
Helpful - 0
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