scape goat

[rooferguy]

I have been reflecting on my life and with the help of a therapist I think I may be suffering trauma from abuse ..

My step dad used to beat me, and my mother turned a blind eye. Additionally I was always blamed for anything that happened, even into my 30 when I had been out of the house for decades (i moved out on my own at age 14)

Then I married a lady, whose family was very abusive toward me and each other. They all seemed to also start using me as the scape goat. There was emotional and physical abuse ...

Eventually, my wife ended up having affairs and doing all sort of emotionally abusive things toward to me and then said I was at fault for finding myself frustrated and angry about how I had been treated. No matter what, it was always my fault

Now five years later, I still have nightmares, I still recall events, I still cant understand what happened or why I was treated do badly. I cant move on, I cant trust anyone and I want to ...

Does anyone have a simumular experience?

[rooferguy]

Thank you

[RockRose]

Bad Childhood,  Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger is good.

[rooferguy]

I give up on finding a therapist ... I have spoken with a dozen in the past few weeks and either they want my insurance information before talking with me about my situation or they are not even licensed and call themselves a "life coach" ... anyone know any good books on trauma?

[rooferguy]

Currently I am in a relationship where I am treated with respect, both by her and her family ... this is unusual for me and it also highlighted what had happened to me before, and made me finally accept that I had been abused ... (which seemed like a defeat, since I am a man) .... The hard part is finding a therepist who can help me get past the trauma ( have all the symptoms) they are either trying to sell me religion or asking for money right away ...

[RockRose]

Right,  I get that.  I should have said being rather than putting it in parenthesis,  but at the time I thought it was important that it left you feeling that way too.

So I still think it would be worth pursuing why this happened to you twice.  That it happened once is pure chance - it was bad family dynamics.

But then it happened again,  and I think that's an area for your therapist to work on,  or it seems like this could happen all over again.

Best wishes.

[rooferguy]

I know the difference between feeling blaimed and being blaimed ... and our marriage councelor at the time was the one who pointed that out to me.

[RockRose]

roofer,  you're right that people are usually drawn to the familiar,  even if it's painful.  

That's not what you're saying here,  though.

You were in a situation with your original family where somehow you were considered to blame for everyone's problems.  Not an unusual situation with a blended family,  to pick one stepchild to blame for everything.

So then you married,  and as time progressed with that marriage,  her family began blaming you for everything.  

That's a different dynamic - you didn't choose this,  but rather it evolved after the relationship began.

I don't know what this dynamic is with you feeling (being) blamed for everything that happens,  but the second time it doesn't appear you chose that as victims of abuse often are drawn to the same abuse.  It happened over time after you were in it.

And that's the same dynamic as when you have a child who is bullied,  and you take him out of the school and put him in a different school and it happens again.  At that point,  you need to look at the child to see what the  dynamic is that is leading to the bullying.

In your case,  it sounds like the therapist should look into how this relationship evolves with you and a family dynamic of blame.

Best wishes.  

[specialmom]

That sounds like an excellent plan.  You seem to be taking care of your emotional health and that is fantastic!  Let us know how it goes.  

[rooferguy]

Well the therapist was our last ditch effort to save our marriage ... when that did not work he said he expected as much ... then he talked to me one on one about the abuse ... I had not even thought about having been a victim of abuse until then, when he told me bluntly.

Since then I have been reading a lot about it and learned that I have the symptoms of someone who suffered from trauma ...

So, now I am looking for the right therapist to help with that

[rooferguy]

That it was "familiar" and that is why I was drawn into it ... more so thats why I allowed myself to become emeshed in it ..

[Nighthawk61]

I was raised to be an abuser or a victim, and very little of anything else in between.  I became both at different times in my life, but took my life back, and you will too, given age and perspective.  Congrats on getting together with a therapist and keep reaching out, you need never to be alone with your thoughts.  Learn about co-dependance and the roles that are given to us while growing up and make some friends that have found their own way out of this cycle of chaos, you'll be in good company and on your way to a better life. God Speed.

[specialmom]

I agree that it is interesting that in two seperate situations the same cycle repeated.  That is part of the problem with life, dang it.  We often repeat patterns over and over because our psyche is familiar.  We have no idea we are doing it until it is too late.  I will tell you that I'm so thrilled you are getting help through a professional because that is almost essential in making sure one doesn't repeat a pattern like this.  good luck

[RockRose]

rooferguy,  what does your therapist say about why you were the scapegoat in two completely separate family dynamics?

[jen_ortiz]

Oh yea I started getting abused in 2006 and I still have nightmares and back flashes I think it'll be something ill live with till the day I die (hopefully not) I was diagnosed with PTSD In 2007 the abuse only got worse from there . It's been almost a year since I've had a blackeye or bruises I'm now married with a wonderful husband who won't let anything happen to me ever.