secretly hiding sexual abuse

[star890]

Hi, maby someone here can help me Im 20 years old(female) now but when I was about 6 years old me and a older female cousin(by almost 2 years) would spend the summers together. I recall being very confused the first time I was sexually abused by my cousin. She was a bit bigger than me and a bully. I was scared so when she said to never speak a word of it I didnt because at times she would even hit me if I made her was mad enuff. After awhile I begin to become very shy, didnt talk much and didnt like to be out of site of my parents. The most trubling experience I remmbr is when we move into a different neighborhood.  I than met my now longtime childhood friend. One weekend my cousin, friend and I had a sleepover and my cousin said lets play a game we all agreed. We built a fort and went inside she told my friend to take her clothes off and I knew right where "the game" was heading... She made me take mine off to and she made us both do oral and she hit me with a belt because I begged her not to do it to my friend. I was afraid she would tell her mom and we all get in trouble and my cousin

[Arroyo21]

I know as kids its eastly to believe what they said. But like you said i look. Out for that stuff and tell kids its ok to speak up they wont get in trouble and its not there fault its better than hiding everything for yrs

[star890]

Exactly how I  felt. I don't know why it's so hard to bring up even years after. And as kids we're soo vulnerable as it was easy enuff to make us believe in the tooth fairy. I just want to say be very attentive. this is so common and happens very often. I'm even on the lookout for signs in  my younger siblings. Also with your little ones when at age(soonr is better) assure them it's always ok to tell someone.  I don't want any child/anyone to ever have to deal with this. Thinks soo much for sharing blessing to you and the little ones

[Arroyo21]

I can sort of relate im 22 female and when i was 4 my own brother molested me. I was littke but new it wasnt right it went on for a bit because he told me if i told my parents he would kill himself obviously as a child i believed him he said my parents would hate me because if he killed himself it was my fault. I should have just spoke up now that i think back im sure he wouldnt have done it but idk. He used to hit me when i would run to go tell my parents. Just like you i love him because he is my brother. But i hate being around him alone not that he has done anything for a yrs now but still i just get real uncomfortable. I never told my family i dont know if i could i dont know why. But like you he never apologized acts like nothing ever happened. And there is a big part of me that hates him. I act civil if my parents wernt around i probably would never speak to him again. It definetly made me a quiet person reserved because i have a hard time trusting people. I know one thing i will never let him be alone with my kids i think that will be a time when i will have to tell my fam why if they ask

[RockRose]

In childhood sexual abuse like you are describing,  the victims heal  well typically if they try as hard as they can to stop the abuse,  and then after it's over if they immediately tell and get help.  Those kids,  who are proactive,  often heal with virtually no ill affects.

You're stuck in a difficult limbo of second guessing yourself about why you didn't tell or defend yourself. Or your friend didn't either,  for that matter.  

So this is where you are,  in this healing process.  Neither of you fought back at the time,  and neither of you told.

I realize in your mind,  the construct is that you "couldn't" react,  and you "couldn't" tell.  But in fact,  this is how abusers work - they pick weaker victims who WON'T react when they certainly can.

I'm not faulting you for this,  or imagining you were the aggressor here.  I'm just saying this is what is causing you to be stuck here in this limbo - the realization that you didn't react.  

I really wish you well.  I hope you can find it in yourself to seek therapy,  and see this in a clear light that will heal you.

[Nighthawk61]

I do agree that forgiveness is important for you to move forward, and probably because you have been in therapy before, you have a sense of that. It is important also to be able to look at the fact that your cousin was dealing with her own problems, and have an understanding as to how this could affect her and her actions. There's a reason for the madness, in other words. It would be even more difficult if there appeared to be no reason for such madness.   I know from talking to you by private message that you're looking into therapy for this and i' think that's great. Very smart to look after now, so early in your life.

[star890]

Well I figure i love her because she's my cousin but all in all I also have a great bit of hate towards her. To forgive someone for something like that takes a big heart. i've tried to forgive her because i'm still holding onto the pain of it. I used to feel bad for her at times because she grew up in a home with drugs, alcohol, no father and abuse. I always would find a way to feel bad for her and thats where my problem starts.

[star890]

I do agree that therapy would be helpful. It just takes alot to get me to open up about it but I know that it's also the first step in healing. Thanks alot

[Nighthawk61]

hi Honey, I'm sorry that this happened to you, how awful it must have been. I really think that you need to talk to a therapist about this. It concerns me that you say you "love' your cousin after she did this to you, i would think that you should be angered by what she did, and i'm wondering if holding in what you must be feeling for her is not going to damage your relationships going forward. You know? It sounds like you're in denial about what you must be feeling at this point. It would not be making a big deal out of nothing, this is a huge case of sexual abuse and you need to work through your feelings. Maybe you will need to talk about this with your best friend, maybe that would help her. But first you must learn how to talk about this openly. You're cousin sounds like she needs help. The fact that she threatened you physically makes this girl a predator, and who knows what she's doing now? Are there other cousins that she's close to that she could be harming right now? Please find a therapist and talk about this. This is not a little bump in your childhood dear, this could affect your relationships negatively in big ways.

[remar]

I think getting in to therapy may really help you deal with this. You have so many emotions going on. How could you not? Your cousin made you do things you did'nt want to do.

[star890]

And my cousin said if someone found out I had to take the blame. Now to this day I love my cousin but I have alot of hate in my heart because of it. she never said sorry we all act as if it never happened. I have alot of guilt for lettng it happen to my bestfriend and the things she made me do to her. I don't like to talk about it and im afraid if I bring it up only lord knows what pain I caused her. I've also taken this anger out on others. I'm holding on to all of this alone and I never told my parents.