sexually abused by brother-in-law (who is coming back in town and might try to do it again) help? advice?

my older sister and her husband lost custody of their kids up in jersey around sometime in 2004 so my mom went to court to get temp. custody.  after she got that, my sister and him moved down here and lived with us in our house.  me and my brother-in-law became close friends and i loved him  like an older brother.  

then on dec. 13  2005 (two days before my 16th birthday) we went on a walk up to the store and he offered to get chinese for dinner as my birthday present from him.  on the walk home he said we probably shouldnt take it home cause everyone else would want some, so he said we could go to this house right around the block from our house and he had a key (cause the guy worked for owns that house and only used it during the day as his workshop).  which i didnt see a problem until he locked the door behind us and took the inside key and put it in his pocket.  then when we sat down at the table he said the electricity didnt work so we'd have to light a candle.  after we finished eating we got up to throw everything in the trash and after i threw my stuff away he walked up close to me head on, and started to kiss me.  i eventually got him off me and said that we should go home.

he didnt try anything else till february. from feb. to april he made more attempts than i can count. he would ask if i wanted to go up to the gas station and get a couple six-packs.  then on the way home he'd find a spot that we could drink at with out getting caught.  sometimes he would pull out a joint or some mini-shot bottles of liquor and tell me it was all mine.  after i finished smoking or drinking he would slide his hand under my shirt and start touching me then he would lay me down and try to get on top of me.  the first time he tried this i pushed him off and said "what the hell are you doing?" and just walk off to go home.  and everytime he tried after that he would get further and further.

then on april 20th 06  me and him were the only ones home and he bought about 20 sparks (alcohol) and a **** load of pot.  we split the drinks, but i think he tricked me into drinking more than him, and he told me the pot was all for me and he told me to light up and i think he packed me atleast 4 or 5 bowls from a pipe.  he was in the house while i was smoking a cig in the backyard and once i finished i went in the house looking for him and then i saw him sitting there on my bed looking at my cds.  he told me to come here and put some cd he picked out in the stereo.  so while i was doing that i saw him get up and go lock the front door and look out the window, then he came back in my room and came up behind me and pushed himself up against me and start kissing the back of my neck.  he turned me around and layed me down on the bed and he took his clothes off and climbed on me and started to take mine off.  all i could do was lay there.  i wanted to move or yell for help or something, but i was so messed up that i couldnt even lift my arms up off the bed and sit up.  and the whole time he was on me i tried so hard to get him off me but it was no use and i just layed there crying till he finished and got dressed and left to go to work.

to make a long story short,  i eventually gave up on fighting him and he raped me repeatedly everyday thru the end of september 06.  i finally told someone what he did to me and went to the police.  they arrested him and held him for a month.  i was then faced with the decision of going thru a trial or just dropping the charges.  my sister took his side over mine saying that "i suduced him" and **** like that.  and i thought i was going to lose my sister and then she told me that she was pregnant (this one being her 7th) with his baby, and how was she supposed to get out of our house with all 6, soon to be 7, kids?  she also told me what terry was telling her about how prision was and that he was being abused because people found out what he was doing to a minor and were threatening to do it to him.  i just became so overwhelmed with guilt and i started to think that maybe i did lead him on and that i deserved what he did to me and that it wasnt really rape...   so i dropped the charges and he was released at the beginning of jan 07.  since may of this year hes been up in northern florida, and i just found out that he is going to be moving back here to orlando.
i did see him once since he was released and he was talking about how he didnt regret anything he did, and that he was about to disown his wife again.  im terrified of him if hes in town.  i dont know, i might just be paranoid, but i feel like hes going to try stuff again, and this time, im going to be of age(18 in dec), so unless i have bruises and marks, i have no case against him.

i dont know what i should do.  i did get counciling from this amazing therapist who has helped me through alot of the past, but i couldnt continue going cuz it was $90 per visit.  and now that hes coming back to town ive been feeling anxious, depressed and scared.  thats the only thought going thru my head repeatedly all day and especially at night while im trying to fall asleep.  


so where do i go from here?

[Curls]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You are in no way responsible for what he did to you.  The reason it's called statutory rape is because a 16 year old isn't supposed to know how to handle someone like this with grace.  Even the other guys in prision knew what they thought of his actions!

Maybe he'll try to do something with you, but maybe not.  He may be afraid of you since the jail time knowing that you DO fight back.  Previously, a lot of what happened included him making you vunerable by giving you drugs & alcohol.  One thing you can do now is never do either anyplace near him.  If you think he knows what bar you hang out at then don't do either while at that bar, etc..  

Obviously good locks on the doors and windows - talk to a professional locksmith store to know what will work such as deadbolts instead of regular locks, not just a visit to home depot.  Ask a security company like ADT for a free assessment to find your home's weak points even if in the end you can't buy their products.

Talk with the police and ask for ideas.  Also, this time if there are any legal actions you can take - take them all and don't let guilt or family pressure stop you - no matter how little the actions seems at the time.  Your 18, but with the prior situation on record, your legal ability to fight him might be quite good.  Document all contact with him no matter how minor from now on.  Avoid talking with him if you see him, but if you do wind up talking, let him know that you are older and wiser and will press charges this time...so he has something to be afraid of.  Stay as calm as can be around him.  Knowing how your options on handle it may take some of the anxiety out of it.

Your sister didn't make wise choices with you, and certainly not loving ones.  It appears she has some pretty big issues if her kids were taken away.  She's probably confused, scared, under pressure, and pretty messed up.  With this guy, she may be getting raped by him within the marriage and not realizing how to take care of herself.  She obviously didn't understand how to take care of you, her little sister, any better than she did her kids.  (And with the 7th child either she doesn't know what birth control is, or doesn't care...or isn't getting a chance to put it on.)

It's great that you found a good therapist so soon after this happened.  That's unusual.  You can take care of yourself.  If the anxiety continues you may need some more help but once you're done some practical protection and he's been around for a while it likely will calm down for you.  It certainly makes sense that this would trigger distress for you even if you knew for a fact that nothing could happen.

There are books on self defense at the library.  Many may make you scared and therefore aren't worth it.  However, there's one I'm thinking of who's title I can't remember.  The author was a black-belt who was still raped.  Her techniques are mostly finding the right words and ways to stop someone instead of just physical defense moves.  Although her defense moves are simple and easy.

Let us know what you find out and how it goes.  He picked on you once because you were vunerable and available (16 and in the house).  Sure signs of a coward and opportunitist.  You are older, wiser, and not such an easy target for him anymore, AND he knows that.  He may speak bravado to you, but that doesn't mean he'll act on it.  But just to be safe, cover your bases and talk to the police.  Good luck.

[Curls]

Also a primary care doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety meds for temporary relief.  Another good source is if your county has a crime victims advocacy department as part of their legal system.  They can give you legal understanding, and also any ideas if there are ways to get the therapy paid for (doubt there are, but it's worth asking) since you were a prior victim.

You are very strong, especially for an 18 year old.  Good luck to you.

[koukla29]

You can get free counseling at the UCF counseling clinic in Orlando.  I think you should also repeat your story to the abuse hotline - especially if he comes near you again.  

I'm not sure why you would spend so much time with your brother in law and get high and drunk with him when each time it would end up in him abusing you.  Not a good idea.  You are almost an adult now, and I think you need to consider your choices.  Not just with your brother in law, but in everything.  Your brother in law HAD NO RIGHT to put his hands on you, and I am not saying that he did, but what I am telling you is that you are a smart girl.  Don't sit near the fire.  Stay away from him completely.  You have a right to say no, and you need to let authorities know if tries it again.    

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

i hate to say this but yes i think you wanted it because why would you keep drinking with him and smoking pot you knew how he was and you knew what would happen but you still chose to be where he was and do the things you should not had done, i cant feel sorry for someone who knew and still put yourself out there .  where was your family mom and da why did you just give into him . sorry not buying it sounds like you to wanted it and than maybe you was scare your sister find out so you blamed it all on him. i could see rape if it happen and you told and police was in on it but to let it happen over and over again . no , you called rape but looks like and sounds like something you wanted sorry dont agree with you or the rest , you could stoped it at anytime and you let it go on so your as much to blame.

[Curls]

At her age and background it is not unusual for someone like brittt to just not know how to manage things properly.  She mentioned her therapist helping her with her past and I read that to mean that they already covered this part of the topic.  It's obvious from the outside that if she stopped accepting drugs and drink from him, she wouldn't have gotten as injured.  What's not as obvious is that she was already injured in other ways and that's what stopped her from stopping the situation.  It's easy to say from the outside it's your fault.  What's harder to see is from the inside on ANY of these situations is so much manipulation of the person and at least some kind of put down from someplace, that they don't have the clear perspective needed to fight back.  What a good therapist is able to do is point out that grooming period and other contributing factors, so the person can get their power back - and know that they can stop it the next time.  My guess too is that the fondling was unpleasant but there were rewards of drugs and drink.  The rape was what was over the edge and hurt and triggered the realization of all she'd been holding in to that point.   A few people on this site who have been through abuse have talked about how you loose perpective and don't realize how wrong what's happening to you is and how harmful.  I hope this helps add some useful ideas.

[koukla29]

Any adult who decides to have sex with a minor is commiting a CRIME.  It's called statuatory rape.  She has bad judement, but she is a minor.  He is the one who goes to jail.

[Curls]

"She has bad judement, but she is a minor."  To add to that, adolescents have poor judgements in all sorts of ways.  It's kinda one of the defining points of being an adolscent, that jokes are made of on TV shows all the time.  She was hardly unusual as an adolescent.  What was different was the level of taking advantage of her the adults around her did.  (Different, but unfortunately all to common.)

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

i agree it is rape but why after the first time , she keep putting herself where he was.thats what am not buying , i was where she was and i was12 guess what i knew it was wrong i knew i didnt want to be where he was so he could do it again, i was12 and knew better , it dont take a lot of brains to know its wrong, i put a stop to it and he was put away where he will not do it again, i didnt keep going back and i didnt keep it to myself , WHY because i didnt like it , it was wrong. If i had liked it guess what i woulfd not told and let him keep on untill i got tired of it . Yes he was very much wrong and he shopuld get rape charges againest him, but she is just as much to blame, she keep letting him have that chance around her , she was drinking and smoking pot knowing what was going to happen when she did i dont buy into ,bad judgement how many times can you have bad judgement, lets see from april till sept come on, and everyday , no way. i think its a made up story or she liked it am sorry but she was 16, she knew better and shes just as much to blame.

[Curls]

It wasn't repeat rape, if you read the story carefully - that happened later on.    

There was different things in your prior experiences so that you knew it was wrong.  Also, you had the support to know what to do about it.  This person was being taught what was right and wrong by THESE same people.  See how confusing it can get to that person?  Can you image growing up in a way that you aren't taught what's needed to have better judgement?  Or even if you know, you aren't taught to trust yourself to do something about it?  If you start reading and learning about abuse experiences you'll start to see that what happened isn't uncommon including her handling of it...you'll also start to understand how different her situation was from hers.  This person was NOT to blame. It does take experience with abuse situations beyond your own to understand that.  

Again, can you image growing up in a way that you aren't taught what's needed to have better judgement?  Or a sense of a way out and control of your own life?  Until you can image that, you can't put yourself in her shoes and therefore blame her.

It sounds like there's some need on your part to have her be at fault.  Is it possible it makes your own situation easier to deal with?  

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

lol your to funny, yeah at 12 i ask to be raped i think your in on this somehow or are you the person who wrote it? i think  you need to read it again from april till sept he raped her everyday do you see that. say what you want to am done with this one its stupid and i cant belive i wasted my time. have fun with your story.

[Curls]

"yeah at 12 i ask to be raped "  What the heck are you talking about?  I never said anything like that.  You're coming across as out of your mind.  I've noticed a lot of victims seem to come here and question people's stories and accuse them of lieing - you included.  I don't understand it - but it's very unhealthy.  To be direct, I had nothing to do with the original posting.  Your need to make it into an accusation of that magnitude of manipuation is bizzarre.   Also, read the post again yourself.  You're not seeing her comments accurately.  

Your first comment though, says it all about you "yeah at 12 i ask to be raped ".  How the heck did you get that out of anything I wrote?  Truly, you aren't thinking or reading clearly at this point in time.

[Curls]

Well, at least now I understand how you can NOT understand what statuatory rape as a separate catagory is all about.

[koukla29]

Ladies - I don't think it's productive to sit around and figure out who is to blame.  If we want to end the story, the law would say that HE is to blame.  I am sorry that heartflutter you were raped.  It was not your fault.  If it had been repeated on you, it still would not be your fault.  If it happened everyday to you from someone you loved and trusted - nomatter how wrong you thought it was, the fact that you couldn't, didn't get away would never make it your fault.  Rape victims spend a lot of time, years, dealing with the shame and the blame of how it could have all been prevented.  Is it the right thing to really preoccupy the victim's mind?  Does it help them in the long run deal with their pain, and the fact that someone took advantage of them.  

And what if she did enjoy the attention?  What if she enjoyed the alcohol, the drugs, and the attention, and she made a terrible choice that she later realized tore not only her apart, but her family apart?  He was an ADULT, he was married to her sister, and he had obviously had full trust of that family to be near her.  He was wrong, manipulative, and digusting.  As far as I am concerned, he belongs in prison.  

Heartsflutter, I think you were brave to get help, and get away.  Not every victim does this however - not every victim has a safe place to run to, or someone to tell - nobody to help them.  

[Curls]

I don't know why you addressed this to me.  I wasn't trying to figure out who to blame.  Like you, I was explaining the same things you were.  

In the process, hearts accused me of saying she herself (hearts) wanted the rape.   That was very strange, and I was trying to respond.   ...next comment from her, she'll also accuse you of saying she (hearts) wanted the rape.

Brittt hasn't been back and probably got what she needed from here.  Hearts needs something but it's not likely to be something that can't be answered in an email.  

[koukla29]

I think it is strange that Hearts accused you the way she did.  I think she is still dealing with what happened to her.  I think this forum pushed her buttons.  I hope she comes back and understands this is not an accusing/blaming thing.  For the record, I see how you are only trying to help - just like me... which is probably why both of us took the time and energy to respond to this post!!!  Take care, Curls, you have a good heart:)