stay or go? so confused

[bree777]

Hello, my name is Bree. i would really appreciate any opinions because I'm completely confused. I met a man five years ago when I was 19, lost my virginity to him, first serious relationship. I know everyone has their good sides and their bad sides, but after trying to juggle each of his sides, I feel completely confused. He is actually a great guy, hes trustworthy, he spends much time with me(always chooses me over his friends and I never even ask him to) takes me out for nice dinner dates, goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful and special by bringing me flowers to work on a regular basis, makes me laugh non-stop, as well as other good things about him and our relationship which adds to my overall confusion as you will see. In the past, he was very controlling, ( I wasnt allowed to stay the night at my own house-according to him, I always had to go to his apartment, ect) but after 5 years, he has grown up ALOT and his controlling ways are gone I believe.But there is still one more problem that makes me question how someone soooo amazing, can do what he does. Sorry, this is of sexual nature..but if we are having sex and it hurts me, I tell him and he says "but it feels good to me" as if he wants to continue and disregard my pain, many similar incidences have occured. He is also into something that is his"favorite" thing as he says, anal sex, with I tried but is painful. I have started crying  when he does it and he'll say "im almost done". When I type that out, it sounds outrageous! If someone told me that, I would wonder how they could possibly put up with it!! I even questioned if maybe he doesn't realize I cried, but I know he does..he has to notice!! I even made point of letting him see so knew I wasn't going crazy. Hes been asking me for it again, I told him I do not want to do what hurts me so bad, but then he offers to take me out for a nice dinner, buy me whatever I want at the mall no matter how much it costs( which hurts on the level that he is willing to pay me (technically) in order for me to do something that hurts, Ive gotten really upset and told him "don't treat me like a prostitute, just because I am your girlfriend doesn't mean this is okay to do").......He has a giant porn collection of all anal videos so obviously he has some type of obsession or something...So, this is why I am so confused. How could someone that seems soooo great in almost every other area of long-term relationship, have a side that seems just as horrible!! Sometimes I feel like Im going crazy trying to figure it out. Ive had "heart to hearts' with him about it many times! at one point, he said " i thought it just made you uncomfortable, not hurt: but im sure Ive made it extremely clear that it does. I guess I do not know what to do. As crazy as it sounds, he truly is a great person (excluding the issues I just explained) and it truly confuses me how one so great could also be so bad. Its hard to find a great guy, and every thing else about our relationship is good. Please be honest and speak whatever you truly think if you reply... thankyou

[ppaamm]

He is most definitely and without a doubt NOT a * great person. * A great person truly cares about you, and someone who cares about you would most definitely and without a shadow of a doubt ask you to do something you did not want to do and most especially ask you to do something that causes you pain! PLEASE LISTEN to your own inner voice that is screaming out to you! You already know that this person is not good for you, does not truly care about you. PLEASE face this reality now, before you end up wasting 20 years and have kids with him. A porn collection like what you describe, and other behaviors of his, make me wonder if he is not a narcissist or other disturbed individual. Porn addiction is a HUGE tipoff of this. You DESERVE BETTER than this person.

[Nighthawk61]

Sex is something that motivates men to treat women in the way that they wish to be treated, knowing that they will get a "pay off" with sex. He knows he hurts you with anal, but has gone so far as to try to pay you to continue. He's overly obsessed with porn, in a way that is not healthy in  a relationship. This guy is not showing you the real him when he treats you well. He's showing you what you want to see so that he can control you in the bedroom.

Have no fear, there a lots of good men out there, that won't treat you like a  prostitute. I promise. You just have to have the guts to step away from this one, and be free and happy, in order to find one.

This man would be considered incompatible for most women, so don't think that you'll be replaced because he's such a "great guy" . You might ask him if he'd like to try anal on himself, and he'll then know how it feels.

[Nighthawk61]

I just realized this post is from 2010, this format is ... challenging.

[Rainbow_Ike]

I forgot to say above:

It sounds like it didn't work for Bree's abuser, and the main sign is the size of his collection and his continued need to force her to engage in an act she hates.

Bree, tell him

"Get help or get lost. And don't call or text me until you are getting help."

Then stick to your guns, honey. You deserve better

[Rainbow_Ike]

By the way, as a clinical social worker who is the survivor of childhood sexual abuse and worked in that filed a bit:

Feminists have drummed into women's heads a "politically correct" party line that ALL porn is bad.  

The moderators won;t let be use the word I'd like to use, so I'll just say :"BULL!!!"

Not true. Some men with unacceptable sexual urges use porn as an outlet to avoid acting out on the urge. Married men who want to remain faithful may have a collection that reflects their fantasies of a wild swinging life, but they would NEVER actually do it.

I am a gay man in a 28 year monogamous relationship. I write and publish online erotica which reflects the fantasies I have which my partner does not share. Rather than force them on him like Bree's boyfriend, I write them out, and then let other men read them.I have a "fan club" of over 60 people, including women, and have only been posting on that website since this spring.  

Some of my fantasies are actually physically impossible for me due to disability, but by writing about a fantasy view of myself, I forge that I am 60 years old and multiply handicapped for a few hours.  

Interestingly, most of these stories end with a romance, and I've begun regular writing romances lately. I'm hoping to actually get published.

[Rainbow_Ike]

I understand the desire to stick with the man who you "gave yourself to" the first time, but you yourself recognize that he treats you like a prostitute.

I am a GAY man, and I don't like getting anal sex.

If your "so called" boyfriend (let's be honest - he's your abuser, and the sooner you see him as that, the better) is THAT fascinated by anal sex, let him try it out - on the receiving end. I'm not suggesting with a guy, but you can go to an "Adult Novelties Store" and by a dildo about the same width as his penis. Tell him you'll be happy to ram it in HIS rear any time he needs anal sex, but to leave your alone.

If he DOES love you, he might get the message. If he has a true obsession with the act, that might be all he needs, and he'll be happy to go back to regular sex with you, while you give him what he needs with the toy.

If he starts to curse at you - walk off. I would give him the "toy" and ultimatum in a public place, by the way, like in a restaurant that has booths for privacy. Watch his face closely. If he looks angry but says "Sure honey, let's try it this way"

GO HOME ALONE

He's up to something

[kittycat1433]

Well u said truth i think the guy is a total pervert i don't @ all like porn!To me smeone who look's @ that stuff is gross that wuld be nough for me there i would say i's beea nice however long but now i know this side of u it's a side i don't like and u won't except him doing this even if he say's he will do away with it u know now he likes that sort of stuff i have done the thing's u are talking abt and ya no fun ouchhhh! There is no way i would be wth a man like that it just makes them so gross. And as far the thing's he buy's u if u think it is worth it to stay for the money then that is that.Kitty

[teko]

No offense intended, I just remembered this particular post and seeing and responding somewhere, but it is totally understandable that you would want more imput. As long as it is not trolling, it is cool! I hope you find the answers you seek. I responded before so will not bore you with the same answer and leave room for others to respond. Good luck.

[margypops]

I am being honest bree as you said ....Yuck

[margypops]

I apologise bree I did think it was a troll post as many sexual orinetated ones are,  and of course you can post on another forum ...

[iam1butterfly]

I've experienced anal sex with two men... so, believe me, I know the kind of horrific and indescribable pain that you're talking about... and, I totally empathize.

Anyway, this so-called "great guy" doesn't sound so great to me. A truly "great guy" would consider his partner's pleasure before his own. I read him as being very selfish and insensitive. He knows that you feel pain, yet he inflicts it anyway... for his own gratification. Then, he pleads ignorance stating, "I thought it just made you uncomfortable..." My God, tears of pain are rolling down from your eyes and, he calls that UNCOMFOTABLE!

If he doesn't get it by now... that anal sex isn't for you... he never will. I say dump him, now!

[Libby2999]

I'm sure you are beyond confuzed. I had a experice, but not sexual. In a way all he wanted to do was get all touchy and cuddly and kissing all the time. And I need a bff more than ever. But girls are NOT sex objects. What kind of comments dose he give you? If he calls you pretty/cute he's looking at your face, if he calls you hott/sexy he's looking at your body, if he calls you beautiful he's looking at your soul. If you like him that much, and still want to keep him, try going to a cupples concler. He probly docent understand you. Also ask him what's he'd do if you stopped giving him sex, and maybe ask him to get ride of any magizings of girls without cloths and that other crap. (but don't call it crap) sence I have never had sex I have no idea what it's like, but from the sound it might hurt extremely bad. I've also heard that if the guy is gentle it won't hurt. I highly suggest the concler. :) just if he seams like he dosed care or dosent try to make s effort, leave him.

[AnnieBrooke]

Sweetheart, we get a lot of prank posters and trolls on MedHelp, especially about sexual things, so there is a certain amount of comment when someone posts the same story again after a period of time, it can sometimes feel like they are trolling to hook in more people to answer.  The other thing is, when people go to some trouble to answer you and spend time trying to write you helpful and sincere answers, if the person just posts the same thing again, it is like saying that the answers people went to the trouble to write meant nothing to the original poster.  You say you're "confused," it sounds a little bit like you just don't want things to be the way they are.  No amount of other people answering will change the reality of the situation, you are the only one who can.

[bree777]

Im sorry, I dont mean to sound rude, I just wasnt understanding why everyone was upset that it was on two different forums,
Thank you to everyone who responded though

[bree777]

wow, I posted it again because I was still extremely confused and feeling hurt over everything, and its very helpful to hear people's opinions on this. Apparently I made a big mistake asking for help ill just remove my self from this forum I didnt realize I was offending so many people posting it in two different areas I thought it would bring about different insight to what I am going through.

[AnnieBrooke]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Relationships/stay-or-go-please-help/show/1297765?personal_page_id=1641652#post_5938516

Well, it's the exact post.  Apparently either a month has not brought any enlightenment or someone is just gaming the site.

[margypops]

Yes its come up on the relationships forum but I dont do the relationships forum ..maybe its also been on here before ?  anyway ...

[margypops]

yes its definatly a repeat I may be mistaken , Bree can you tell us did you put this up a while ago.?

[teko]

I too remember seeing this post before?

[Rainbow_Ike]

Ask him outright how he feels about you. If he claims to love you, ask him how he can hurt someone he loves? If he doesn't love you, you have your answer.

If he says he loves you, but he MUST have this kind of sex, then tell him you will not hav e sex with him until he gets help, since hurting the person you love with sex means h has some sort of problem.

Have the name of a therapist, or a couples therapist already available

You might also want to contact a battered woman's shelter before you confront him.

As a man, I can't find anything in his.behavior that says he loves you. He sounds like someone who has a psychological need to control someone. He found someone who could be manipulated by some gifts and sweet words.

But pain is not love.

Ike

[kenneltech]

Do you know what thissounds like to me?  It sounds like you are mistaking someone buying you anything you want (including flowers, etc) for love and caring.  If this man truly did care about you, he would NOT hurt you.  If you had a dog or kids and you did something that made them cry in pain, would you call it love if you ignored them and continued to do it for your own selfish reasons?  This man sounds like a con artist. It sounds like he knows exactly what to do to keep a woman around, but he is actually a selfish a-hole!  And, why would he show a woman that is supposed to be his girlfriend his entire porn collection?  And if you satisfy him, why does he even have a huge porn collection?  I think that if you stay in this relationship, you are going to see right through this guy and find out what he is really like.  I would kick him to the curb, and you need to set your standards a little higher because no woman would put up with wanting to see their boyfriends anal porn collection, nor would they put up with being "bought" so they would perform anal sex in bed.  Good luck.

[allmymarbles]

Have it ever occurred to you to simply refuse? You are allowing him to abuse you. He is not forcing you or raping you. Maybe you are afraid he will leave you if you refuse. The ball is in your court.

By the way, in Moslem countries anal sex is grounds for divorce.

[margypops]

Have I read this on another forum ?

[AnnieBrooke]

If you want to stay, get ready for anal sex and a guy who is obsessed with anal sex for whatever reason.  Maybe he's closeted gay, maybe he is excited by humiliating or paining a woman and finds it exciting -- whatever the reason is, really does not matter.  This is who he is, part of the package with all the other atoning behaviors like flowers and spending time together.  If you do not like that part of the package, you have to decide.

For the record, the idea of hurting someone and then being very sweet and bringing flowers and all, is also a pattern men who hit women use.  He is not being overtly abusive, but I can't imagine telling someone that something they are doing hurts me (especially in bed) and not having them jump nervously and say, "Oh, no, honey, I'm so sorry!" and stop right then.  For whatever reason, your guy sounds into getting what he wants either because it pains you or irregardless of whether it pains you.

I don't think good men are that hard to find, especially at 24.  If you want to try to rescue the situation, see if he will go to a couples therapist with you.  But I don't know how hard I would try to save it, frankly.  He sounds like the anal-sex-and-ignoring-your-pain thing is pretty deeply ingrained.