stuck in an abusive relationship...I'm only 21!

I met my boyfriend (fiancee now) in high school. We've been together 3 and a half years. We are now in college and have been living together 2 years. At first, It seemed like a fairy tale of sorts because neither one of us had been in a previous relationship and neither one of us had any sexual relations with anyone before meeting each other. We were amazingly compatible in every way possible. We were pure, young, innocent, honor roll students, attractive, well behaved, no drinking or drug using, no partying even. Match made in heaven. Of course it gets better, and worse...

A week into our relationship, he sprayed my eye with mouth wash just for fun. My eye burned for an hour. He said he didn't know why he did it. 3 weeks in he pushed me in front of my family and I nearly fell into a pool, because I didnt go to him right when he asked. A few months later we decided to have sex for the first time. I then learned of his "porn problem". A collection of porn my eyes had never seen. Thousands of movies in his computer. Even though I was one of the most sought after females in my high school, i wasn't good enough for him. He never complimented me, always insulted me and expected me to be like the 'porn stars". He wanted to make me ugly for some reason. He wouldn't let me show my legs or arms. I couldnt wear perfume. I couldn' wear makeup. He threatened every guy that complimented me in any way. Eventually he got rid of the porn; but by the first year, he was regularly abusing me physically. Punching me, kicking me, slapping, choking. I constantly had bruises, sores on my scalp, scratches...

After high school, he got a job and got us our own place. He is very hardworking, responsible, and refused to let me have a job because he was determined to take care of me and give me evrything I want.  But at what cost. I do the all the housework and do everything he asks, and still he says all the time I'm worthless and that I do nothing for him. He later apologizes. Then says it again. I offer to get a job, even if I have to walk, and he won't let me. He says it's his responsability to work and take care of me. Yet every chance he gets, he throws back in my face that I don't work. Meanwhile he abuses me everyday still. One incident my face was so bruised, I couldn't leave the house for a couple of days. Another time he pushed me into the edge of a desk and cut through my leg muscle. I still can't walk properly and it's been over a year. By the end of two years I decide to tell someone...

I told his best friend. Which was a mistake because I learned the guy had feelings for me and was then determined to take me away from my situation when all I wanted was advice. I fell in as well, and considered leaving with his best friend. But it wasn't right. I had an obligation to my boyfriend who had done so much for me. Their friendship fell apart, but I didnt leave him. The abuse continued. We both started college. We got two dogs, we share one car...now I feel like I'll never leave him. He pays everything. My parents have no room for me and refuse to let me stay with them because I'm not "a child anymore", I have no place to go. He is my food and shelter provider. Without him I have absolutely nothing.

6 months ago he proposed, with a very expensive diamond ring. I do love him, I had no choice but to say yes, hoping that he changes one day.

Today not much has changed. He abused me again today, which is why I'm writing. I want to leave but I have nowhere to go and no money or car or job experience. It's not that easy to just GO. Guess I'm stuck. I dont know what to do.  

[margypops]

Leave.... pack your bags and go, check out any place you can stay, speak to your mother, tell her about this abuse, she will take you back till you can get something worked out...It will not change and will get  worse unless he changed and that may not happen, if you ever have children with him you will be subjecting them to seeing the abuse and maybe getting some of it themselves. My Opinion is run and do not look back...ff you dont it will continue it is your choice ..

[faithfulchild]

I am in total agreement with margypops. This kind of relationship will only get worst if you marry him. Marrying him will only confirm all that he has been thinking and saying; that you are his to do whatever he pleases. You  need to go somewhere away from him. If your parents wont help then go to a women's center/shelter.Things will not get better and you cannot change him. That is a decision he has to make for himself.You need to get out while you still can

all the best

[troubleinohio]

thank GOD you don't have any kids with him yet!! It is SO MUCH easier TO LEAVE when there are not kids involved! I was not so lucky in my situation as I have 2 young boys. Their father was also "my provider" too. I only worked sporadically (did home office work for years before I had the kids) and a few odds and ends things but for the msot part, he of course paid for everything, he owned the house and i had "nothing" without him either (or so i thought).  
You write like you are intelligent- i know you're not dumb- so please, please GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. Everyday somewhere you hear it on the news, another person dies from abuse that spun out of control.

You said you didnt have a choice and said yes you would marry him.......omg please dont!!! You are so fortunate you have not yet married this man nor had children with him. It will be so easy to leave him. Do your parents know about this abuse? I would think they definitely would change their mind and let you come stay with them until you found a permanent job and place of your own. I'm sure your parents love you very much and would be horrified if they knew what was going on with you. Confide in them , or someone and please get out before its too late.  He won't change...they never do. They are good at manipulating you into thnking they will,  but they dont.

Please keep us updated, and I pray you get out ASAP!!

[imanaddict]

He doesn't want you to work because it will take away his control over you. It will give you independence, something he doesn't want you to have. You have got to get out of this situation! I was where you are when I was your age. My ex beat me senseless so many times. Even when I was pregnant. He once put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Luckily that particular chamber was empty, but the gun WAS loaded. He held me captive and the cops came and tried to charge him with kidnapping, but I was stupid and told them otherwise. I'm telling you from one abused woman to another- it WILL get worse. He could end up killing you! I couldn't be more serious. One day he could go too far and you could wind up dead. Get away from this guy and get your life back. Especially before you have children! Could you imagine the abuse he would inflict on your kids? Save yourself while you still can. And if you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me! I will be happy to help any way I can!

[imanaddict]

I feel the need to add some more to what I said. I realize you have no money, no car, no job. I didn't have a car but I did have a waitressing job. Plus I was 6 months pregnant. Try waitressing when you're all fat and preggers! LOL!! Anyway, I know from experience that is can be done. There are places that can help you temporarily. Do you have any friends at all? What about other relatives? Can you explain to your parents that he's hitting you?? You do NOT deserve to be abused by someone who supposedly "loves" you. Take it from me, he does not love you! If he did, he would worship the ground you walk on. Something's gotta give here sweetie. Either that, or you will tolerate the abuse the rest of your life...your call. My offer still stands, if you need to chat, feel free to hit me up!

[troubleinohio]

i know you and i have talked in PM's the other day and Im planning on writing you again tonight as soon as I can.  BUt in the meantime i wanted to post this link because it is VERY VALUABLE tool to have. its the official site for the Domestic Violence Hotline help.  This site has so many resources, information, people's stories etc. It also has a "quick escape" button on the site in case your abuser walks into the room and you need to exit fast, it redirects you to something else. Its a great site. Please check it out

http://www.ndvh.org/

[jo929]

Everyone has a choice in the manner in which they choose to live, they also have a choice, of staying in a bad relationship or getting out, what does it take to wake you up leave you are young, and alive   luck  jo

[SweetiePie411]

I agree with margypops. You just need to leave. Talk to your mom and tell her about all the abuse without her telling your fiance. Maybe then she'll let you stay with her. If it doesn't work out with your mom, you could always stay with a friend until you find someone. You will find someone someday who is absolutely perfect for you. Trust me. This jerk you're with now is just gonna keep abusing you, even when you're married. Once you get married it only gets worse. I wish you the best of luck!

[Daslicht]

6 months ago I left to live with a friend across the country (New Jersey). Within a week he won me back. He flew up there from Florida and we had such a nice time. But when we left back home... :/ My friend was in no position to have someone live with her anyway. No other of my friends can take me in, but they do know what's going on. They don't get involved out of respect. Also, a year and half ago, I asked my mother if I could come stay with her because I wanted to leave the relationship. She said yes, and as soon as I showed up to her house, she told me to go live with my grandmother instead. I don't ask my mother for anything. My father is currently homeless, and sleeping on our living room couch until he saves up enough unemployment to leave the country again. I'm not his worry. I understand. And that's it. I'm on my own. I'll figure it out eventually. I just don't like being a burden to anyone. Thank you all for your support and advice.  

[jo929]

there are so many shelters that one can go to just call the hot line or the operator  luck  jo, stand up for yourself. be firm.  luck  jo

[vmvnpv]

You DON'T have an obligation to anyone!!  Especially one that treats you like a piece of trash!  You deserve much better than that and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  You are still young and there's plenty of guys out there that will treat you the way you should be treated.  You need to leave that scumbag you call a boyfriend.  No real man would EVER treat a woman that way!  He thrives on controlling you and breaking you down.  It's only going to get worse.  It will keep getting worse until you either LEAVE or you wind up DEAD (which happens A LOT)!  It's harder when you get married and he WILL GET WORSE and more controlling!  LEAVE NOW!

[jewelscute1]

Everyone else has given you the advice to run.  Look at your ring, I know it means something to you but it is worth money.  Get as far away as you can so you don't have kids tied up in this mess.  It is so much harder with kids!!  Look up the definition of narcism! Go to the library and get books.  Try to figure out what happened in your childhood and your life to allow you to tolerate those types of behaviors towards you.  He sounds like an *** - exactly the situation I've been in for 12 years!  Don't be like me girl.  My kids' father took the best years of my life.  Don't become another statistic.  Good luck.  

[Lexxie1018]

mam-----Are you still reading these posts?  IF so, I would like to make a post to YOU indeed, but before *I* do that, was just wondering how things are now?  Have you left yet.??  Are u logging onto here,  AND if you are reading this.....please make a post, so that we may know of your well-being and safety.  WHICH is of UTMOST importance.  

I really hope to hear from you.....i will be waiting for you to reply............
I was almost murdered last year........AND have been meaning to make a post about it.  I will VERY soon.  At the moment, I would like to hear from you first.  
THANKS so VERY much
with the utmost peace and sincerity,
Lexxie

[allmymarbles]

I guess you are looking for sympathy. But what you should do is look at yourself. You are in a dependent relationship and seem to like it that way. You have no place to go... You have no money.... You are completely dependent on him.... Of course you could go out and get a job and support yourself. But you don't want to take responsibility for yourself, so you get knocked about in exchange for needs of yours - which are as unhealthy as his.

[strongwoman32]

Have you been in an abusive relationship? Im assuming you have since you posted on here. Its Not about Sympathy, Its about talking to some one thats been in your shoes. I was in a abusive relationship for ALONG time. It took him to almost Kill me break my arm in a couple different places and screw my Jaw up to get away from him. It took him going to prison for me to wake up. It isnt as easy as some would think it is. Its called being scared. I was scared to death of him. Some people can say that after the first time it would have been over but these type of men, break you down and build up back up to what they want. They make sure your self esteem is zero so they can control every aspect of your life. When I finally got away, I lost everything my house, my job for aawhile because I had to go threw 3 surgeries on my arm, my car. I had nothing. I moved into my sisters and that was not fun but I also went threw 2 years of counsling, to understand why???? why on alot of things. This happened in 2005 and here I am today, with a house my Job, a car and stronger than I ever was before. Please dont put other down because they are only **** what they have been use to for soo long. And dont Judge them if they depend on the abuser. Its a sad situation and a scary one too. Not every woman is as strong as you and I, and everything takes time. and to Daslicht...... You can talk to me any time, I will listen. Some times thats all we need is someone to listen with out being judged.

[narla]

What is wrong with you,We've had this discussion before, why do you always assume people are looking for sympathy or pity,I know you said you went through abuse,It's great you obviously dealt with it needing no help from anyone else,but don't assume that people who come to this forum for support only want sympathy or pity.Your assumptions about people you've never met and don't know are getting ridiculous.Are you sure your over your abuse is this why your so critical of others wanting support.Can you please explain,I just don't get it.

[jo929]

this is an ole post most likley she is not here anymore, but i say to all i know many people that live in shelters for abused and they are nice places i have seen them, they are well fed clotherd and also they help them get jobs and i still say help is just 1 phone call away. they also take the children with the mom  jo

[carrieoffcocainenow]

LEAVE!!!!!!!! leave like yesterday!!!  there are shelters for battered women, shoot, living in a cardboard box would be better than living with that psyco. He will NEVER EVER change!  He will always beat you up and maybe someday kill you. not to seem harsh but do you want to die? Not only that but if you stay you might have babies with this monster and then what, at best your kids watch thier mother get beat up everyday or worse. and what happens when beating you up isn't enough for him and he does it to your children. I can not say it enough....LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW!!!!  You say your parents won't let you come home, do they know what hes doing to you? If not maybe you should tell them. If you do for some crazy azz reason stay with him, I would seriously get documentation on the abuse cause they just might find your body in a river someday. I know it must be hell for you girl and i dont mean to make you feel like ****  but these are things you definatly need to hear. you say youre smart, use your head for something other than a punching bag! there are guys out there who are a million times better than that looser. think about how you want to live the rest of your life, cause the way youre living now is no life at all. PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best of luck to you!  

[christycherry]

I know exactly what you are going through i know its hard because im still stuck here but the only difference is hes just my bf and i work with him hes my so called boss. I think you should tell ur mom 1st of all thats some1 you can count on for sure trust me i thought so too but once i told her she helped and girl dont be scared to tell her she will help u u can be without him yeah its gna be hard at 1st because u dnt have a job or money but u cld find one and start saving up wen u least expect it your gna have your own place and ull propably meet a guy whom will respect u n love u because i learned the hard way  LOVE is RESPECT some one whom loves u will never put a hand on you. HOPE U LISTEN TO MY ADVICE!!

[margypops]

Let us know how you are getting on we are all on the same page ..

[kenneltech]

Boy oh boy oh boy.  How many of thse abuse cases and murder cases have to happen before someone like you understands that your boyfriend is NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!
You can't change a person, only HE can change himself, and it looks like he's perfectly happy abusing you.

You say you "had to take the ring because he has done so much for you?"  As yourself this, "what all has he done TO you??"

There are so many shelters out there today, battered womens shelters where you can go and he won't be able to find you.  They aren't like other shelters, they are nice, they help you get back on your feet, and they help you with any legal issues concerning the BIG MAN!!!  They will also help you stay in school and help you find part time work.

I'm sorry, but it just boggles my mind at how aware we are today but how many girls and women get in these abusive relationships and think they "owe" the idiot.  Look, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect HIMSELF!  Things are not going to get better, understand that!  They will more than likely get worse.  I don't know if he's also verbally abusing you, but they have a way of making women feel like they can't make it withough them or that the woman should be SO grateful for all that they've done.  You fell into that trap, and I say that everything he hits you balances out everything "he's done for me."  GET OUT NOW.  Don't think about your parents or what they will say, hell, they don't wanna help you anyway!  It is your life and if you don't want it ended too soon, you better get out and RUN!