Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

this one's a big job. I really appreciate anyone who takes a whack at it...

I have done so much to figure out what is up with me and fix it, i don't want to have to drop out of school! i love school! i love it! but i can't, even, do the littlest things for myself right now let alone finish this much work for something i normally adore.

here is a list of information about me that may help you determine what may be wrong:  




sometimes my eyes can't focus and move about in one spot quickly without me being able to stop for a a good few seconds. happens about 2-3 times a month for 5-10 seconds to a long time(hour? more?) mildly.

i'm tired all the time

i can't remember anything - names take a good 4-6 times, or a particularly nice or interesting person. most of my childhood is blanktown.

my back aches often, horribly

i can't stop thinking at night so i can sleep

i sleep 12 hours at a time, wake up, am so tired that i go back to sleep, feel horribly and guilty when i awake at 1-3... waking at 12 is a big beautiful deal. -i can wake up for school though, and other things- but otherwise.

i'm obsessive to a point where even if i don't want to be, i still am

i get sad a lot

im hypersensitive to people and very emotional

my temper is short and i can't stop myself from crying under extreme confrontational situations.


used to be a very successful artist, i can't do art anymore
the dishes, the sewing i used to love, writing is hard and i love writing? drawing. no drawing. ever. that means i have to be alone and think.

i feel lonely a lot, and don't like being alone. i have a lot of friends but i feel very alone, i don't have a lot of close friends, i'm so strait forward that a lot of people are scared of me. i do not lie anymore, i am up front honest with everyone about nearly everything, and i'm not scared to say stuff, or object to something i think is wrong. it scares people away, people are used to being fake, external shells and never really connecting. i open to everyone. i connect more to strangers than i do people i know. i like talking with people about them, and helping them figure their life out, also. that seems to be my one passion. verbal communication. compassion exchanges.
- i look to people around me and that determines how i see myself. i am aware of this and am trying to stop this, but i am having a difficult time. depending on what kind of experience i have with another, my mood emerges. how i effect that person, negatively or positively? that makes me.

i get distracted constantly

i get very tense

anxiety ?

I can't sit still in a chair for a long time (trips out of classes, constant moving and readjusting in bed and chairs, not being able to sit and write or draw)

i've had a horribly traumatic and complicated childhood involving mental abuse, repeated abandonment and fear of, lack of communication and education, malnutrition (junk food meat and processed crap), lack of sleep (staying up till 5 am and sleeping till 2-4 from ages 5-?8? my memory doesn't work.) I exhibit many of the symptoms of child sexual abuse, and was most likely abused by one of my mother's drivers on accounta she'd leave me in a car with them in a parking lot all night when she was in a bar i wasn't allowed into by the bartender.
i have had traumatic physical abuses that were mild, but at young ages by my mother and my grandfather, both of which involved violent shaking. I am aware of both things? when repeated or simulated i react physically, i am beginning to be able to control these reactions.

my father has sleep apnea, hyperthyroidism, rheumatoid arthritis and dyslexia, all of which in the worst cases. he has very high blood pressure. he is an alcoholic and did a hell of a lot of drugs before i was born. he is 300 pounds and eats near nothing, and is trying but he's failing, so hard. but he's trying, finally.

my mother is psychologically disturbed, delusional, was a heroin addict before i was born and has done many many other drugs, has burning mouth syndrome and breast cancer in her history... extreme alcoholism and codependency... um, i don't know much about her but i do know her brain is not working right. she's lacking some sort of responsibility factor or, i have no idea. depression is a yes, for both parents i'll go and say.

-they misdiagnosed me with genital herpes when i was 3. i was tested recently and i don't have it! YES (my whole life, do you know what that does to a person? JEsus)
BUT, my mother's 'burning mouth syndrome' has been passed on to me it seems, and i realize that my symptoms as a child could very well be related to just that. they know little about the disease due to its rarity, and i think, thats what it is.

my diet has improved, i eat not so much meat and a lot of veggies, sometimes junk but not as much. not a lot of soda or sugar. not a lot of alcohol. not a lot of drugs, and only pot occasionally.

I have had at least 5 hard blows to the head either form falling, baseball bat (it was a game, no one tried to kill me) a mild car accident, and one unlit heavy fireplace.

I am 20, female, not overweight, 140 pounds, and i really appreciate you reading this far.
i ride my bike and walk enough to say i exercise.

thank you so much.
3 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
This is short and sweet, but I think you have severe depression along with complex PTSD, and you need therapy before you destroy your life.  I was exacly like you, and my family was messed up too.  The things you say you went through in your childhood, althought brief, affected you greatly, you've never even dealt with it.  This can cause the perfectionism Iwhich is causing the obssesiveness), and your anger is anger coming out from years of unrest in your life.  You need to get a handle on this situation SOON before you destroy your life.  Get some help, you will end up an angry, lonely, abusive, obsessive person with no one and no art.  Trust me, I know.  get some help, stop trying to analyse why all this is happening and find out what the hell your gonna do about it, and trust me, you can't do it alone.

Good luck.
Helpful - 0
684030 tn?1415612323
Sorry for giving you such a brief response. But, after carefully reading all that you listed, you sound or read like someone who suffers from Depression. You mention that you're 20 and a student... I, personally, think that you could benefit from counseling or joining a support group through your campus medical services. You need to address these issues somehow... and, there's no better time than the present. Counseling is a start in the right direction. Take care.
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
I wish I had the answers for you but I don't,you seem to have been to he!! and back.I believe counselling would help if you're not already having any.We need to deal with cr@p from our childhood as soon as possible,deal with feelings and emotions that these events bring to the surface.If you get counselling all I can advise is when you go make sure you're drug and alcohol free and be totally honest with your counsellor,they can only work from the information you give them.Wishing you all the best in getting the help you need.If you just need to chat I am here you can PM me,I have been through some of the stuff you talk about and have dealt with it.Good Luck

Denise  
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Abuse Support Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.