what can i do ?

[cintar]

i have been with the same woman for 18 months. she confided in me that she was molested as a young child by a family member, age 10. her family told her it never happened and to never bring it up again. at 13 she was raped by a friend who she thought she could trust, again, her family said she should not have put herself in this position. she turned to drugs and alcohol at 16 and ran with whoever would give her attention, in and out of mostly abusive relationships. thankfully she has been clean and sober for 4 years now, and is trying to do the next right thing. she tells me i am the best relationship she has ever been in, but, the problem we are having is there is absolutely no sexual contact between us. at the beginning of the relationship we did have intercourse maybe 3 or 4 times, mostly rushed to the point of her saying, "lets get this over with". the last time we were intimate was 9 months ago. we have talked about her fear of intimacy and not wanting to do so unless i backed her into a corner, which i have told her i will not do. i love and respect her too much to hurt her for my own selfish needs.  she started counseling 2 months ago, but she has canceled more appointments than she has attended. she cried the other night and told me she didnt want to go through this, but knew she needed to, and didnt want to loose me. lately all she is doing is working 7 days a week, and some nights also. when we see each other it may be for maybe 2 or 3 hours. we will cook dinner together at her apartment and she will usually go to bed after that. i love this woman very much and i am committed to her well being, but i dont know if i can continue to ignore my own needs if she continues to fill her time with work and not truly deal with this problem.  do i just need to let her continue what she is doing in the hopes that she will go to therapy and put a true effort into her recovery, and this relationship.

[kittycat1433]

yiu are not married the lady andit is sad what shehas went thru,no one should ever have to gothru anything lie that.Yo ae a man and men along with most women want to mak love evey know and then i know thissunds awful but don't you have someone that your maybe friends with a old fling or something like that and if so get your manneeds met and go abt your day it may not be love but and you may feel guilty but i think the lady you ar seeing now is not going to ever be what you want in bed and i can't blame her i wouldn't either it all depends on what kind of man you are im not downing men by all meens but you guys want sex and it will neve change well i don't really haveanything else to say you know what im talking abt i grew up with men and i'ts just the way i have alway's seen it i hope your girlfriend get's the help she needs and i wish you luck.but like i said you are not married and you could maybe just get a little on the side sound bad but it will happen anyway sooner or later !!

[LeighAlexsandra]

I just wanted too say i admire your commitment and paitent, she will get there eventually its just gunna be a long road too go down and an incredibly big emotional scar but as many others have said you just gotta be there for her and keep staying strong.

Good luck too both of you

[designgyrl]

Cintar,  
I think it's amazing that you have stuck around and been so patient with her.  I'm glad she is seeing the counselor because from your explanation, she definitely needs to talk to someone.  I'm sure you do love her very much because you want to help her in any way possible and love her.  As the other posts have said, this is not an easy fix and it will take a very long time for her to start to heal.  Just try to be there for her if you can.  

Best wishes and keep us posted!

Sunshine

[cintar]

thank you to everyone that responded. she told me today that she spoke to her counselor today on the phone for some time and has a appointment next friday. for now i have decided to see her through this. i guess what bothers me most is trust. she has spoken openly with me in regards to past so called boyfriends. her sexual contact with these relationships was what she calls, forced and abusive. she said that she has never truly had someone that honestly loves her, and it makes her uncomfortable to be in a real relationship. hearing of these relationships has at times made me question why we are not sexual when for a time she was, with others. like i said earlier, i do love her, and i know we have a long way to go, and there are no guarantees.again, i thank everyone for their input.

[Dazon50]

I agree with iam1butterfly that for now being supportive with your lady as a friend without expectations of a sexual nature would be good until she is ready to give herself of her own free will.

Is she ok with the two of you sitting together watching shows and rubbing her back/feet or is she reluctant to have other types of intimacy like holding hands, each other while sitting together, etc.?  In the healing process, being understanding about it taking a long time to warm up to be intimate is important.  In a sense, for some, it is like there are many levels to rise through to be able to enjoy what is going on. Those memories from abuse are like intruders that steal the enjoyment...piercing a person with shame, loss, loneliness, anger, confusion and many other thoughts/feelings.  

When a person is sexual abused, choices were taken away.  To make it worse, denial that it didn't happen and not talk about is heartbreaking. It leaves a person with so many unresolved issues and invalidation of reality.  You realize this is not your fault.  You were attracted to this person and with her came the realities of what she went through.

I agree with the others that it is your choice to continue this relationship or let go.  Being honest with her is important.  Letting her know you have needs is an adult thing to do and not putting pressure on her to perform is a loving thing to do. It takes a lot of love and self-control to be willing to go the steps with someone on their journey through healing.  

I think the suggestion about attending counseling with her is a good one.  Ask your lady if it would be alright for you to join her and let her know that you will be flexible so if she finds she is uncomfortable with you being there, you can back off till she wants you there.  

[iam1butterfly]

I think that the best approach, for now,  would be to be supportive of her... but, perhaps more so as a friend... without any expectations as a lover.

I say this from experience because I was in a 1 year relationship with a man who had a dysfunctional childhood, including severe neglect and sexual abuse. And, it was an experience that had left him understandably traumatized to the point where trust and intimacy, in his adult relationships, was a constant struggle. That struggle created an ongoing strain between us and ultimately caused the end of our relationship. Like your girlfriend, he sought therapy... but he never kept up with it long enough for it to have it's intended benefits.

Anyway, what's encouraging about your girlfriend is that she recognizes the need for help and has sought some counseling. What's not so good is that she seems to be resisting or avoiding it. Her extended work schedule might suggest that she's immersing herself in activities so as to avoid confronting painful memories. And, my guess is that the past drug and alcohol abuse was also used as escape mechanisms. But, of course, a by-product of all of this avoidance and escapism is emotional (and sexual) disconnects.

The counseling, I think, is really the best course of action for her to be able to open up  emotionally and, hopefully guide her to where she could feel more comfortable... sexually. Of course, no one can force anyone into counseling. But, maybe she could use a little supportive nudge to get her started or help her through it. Could you possibly attend counseling with her? ... even if it's just sitting in a waiting room. Or, maybe you could sit in on some of the discussions... but, perhaps not all of them.

[RockRose]

Cintar,  this is a decision you have to make for yourself.

It seems unlikely this woman will be open to a loving,  giving sex life anytime soon,  and it doesn't seem that she's motivated to try to change things.

So you have to decide are her other qualities worth staying in a relationship with?  It's up to you.

Dating isn't a commitment.  It's a time when you look very carefully at the other person and decide whether you want to spend your life with them.  The quality of woman you choose will greatly affect your life - it's up to you to pick the very best one you can find before committing.  

You have to decide if her other qualities are so overwhelmingly good that you are willing to live in a platonic relationship.  

[narla]

She must be allowed to work at her own pace,you can't push her,she is the only one that will know when it's right,all I can suggest is support her,my husband understood my intimacy problems and knew when we did have sex it was for his benefit out of a sense of duty,I loved him with all my heart but sex was a job to me.I have only just found what intimacy is all about and I'm 48,don't despair if you really love her talk to her tell her about your needs in a non-confrontational way,you may have to except for a while that sex to this lady is out of duty to the person she loves.eventually when she is fully ready for therapy and works hard on it things will change.Believe me therapy for childhood sexual abuse is the hardest thing in the world to deal with because you end up reliving that abuse. Good Luck stay strong and try and support her


Denise