what does it mean to forgive and how?

i am working at over comming child abuse growing up, and every where i come accross it says that i need to forgive, what exactly do i forgive and how can i forgive someone who put me through so much especially when others knew it was going on and did nothing to stop it.

[ConnieG]

Well forgiveness is hard.  For me it was no longer allowing that person to control me. I would hate to think that my life would completely go on hold because I cut every body out of my life.  Everyone has issues that they deal with and not everyone deals with the properly.  
But it took me a long long time to be able to forgive.  I actually had to step out there and put myself in positions where I was uncomfortable and as soon as I realized nothing bad happened because of it I was better.  
Example, I have been abused by several people.  The first person to sexually abuse me was my friend in 8th grade.  I completely cut myself off from him and his family (my family did the same, my mom lost her best friend because of this) and for years and years I had anxiety attacks every time I thought I might run accross him, going to my hometown, on facebook, at church, walmart even I ran into him.  And I wanted to go to a church in town when I moved, but I knew he attended church there so for years I stopped going to church because of the anxiety attacks fearing i would see him.  Finally a few months ago I went to that church and decided I would no longer let him control my life with fear.  I didn't run into him and I enjoyed the experience.  Now I no longer fear him.  He can't do anything to me anymore.  He has no control fear or otherwise, and I can live my life.  
That is forgiveness in my mind.  Letting go of the fear......
Mind you, it took decades to do. But every step you are able to take towards it lifts a bit of weight off your shoulders and makes you feel better.

[RockRose]

I don't agree that forgiveness is necessary - what is more important is that you find a strategy to not focus so much on the past,  and enjoy the present and future.

I also think you need to distance yourself from the abuser(s) and anyone who was in a position to stop it that didn't.  That includes all the adults who knew and failed to act - siblings not included,  because they are powerless.

Also,  read Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.    It's about refocusing your attention on the positive,  and enjoying your life.

Best wishes.

[ConnieG]

Well forgiveness is hard.  For me it was no longer allowing that person to control me. I would hate to think that my life would completely go on hold because I cut every body out of my life.  Everyone has issues that they deal with and not everyone deals with the properly.  
But it took me a long long time to be able to forgive.  I actually had to step out there and put myself in positions where I was uncomfortable and as soon as I realized nothing bad happened because of it I was better.  
Example, I have been abused by several people.  The first person to sexually abuse me was my friend in 8th grade.  I completely cut myself off from him and his family (my family did the same, my mom lost her best friend because of this) and for years and years I had anxiety attacks every time I thought I might run accross him, going to my hometown, on facebook, at church, walmart even I ran into him.  And I wanted to go to a church in town when I moved, but I knew he attended church there so for years I stopped going to church because of the anxiety attacks fearing i would see him.  Finally a few months ago I went to that church and decided I would no longer let him control my life with fear.  I didn't run into him and I enjoyed the experience.  Now I no longer fear him.  He can't do anything to me anymore.  He has no control fear or otherwise, and I can live my life.  
That is forgiveness in my mind.  Letting go of the fear......
Mind you, it took decades to do. But every step you are able to take towards it lifts a bit of weight off your shoulders and makes you feel better.

[narla]

This time I totally agree with Connieg.I put the ownership of the abuse back on the person that abused me,It does not control me anymore,he has to live with what he did to me,I am now free of the all consuming guilt,shame and blame,I can now lead a happy well adjusted life,I have put everything in balance.And lastly he has no control over me anymore.

Denise  

[unicornlove1983]

i dont have to have any contact with my abuser cause he past away almost 2 yrs ago. as for the ones that knew about it and did nothing i have to have contact with the 2 of them. i have no where to go so im living with my mom who is one of them and for a good share of them its not to late im finally getting to have a relationship with my mother and the other one isnt so bad, things with her can actually be alright and if i want to have a relationship with my nephews i have to have a relationship with her.

[unicornlove1983]

thanks for the advice i am working very hard at not letting what he did control me.

[allmymarbles]

I don't believe in forgiveness. People are responsible for what they do. But that doesn't mean that you have to dwell on past injustices. There is no percentage in that. Get on with your life and don't repeat their mistakes. In other words, live for the future and not the past.

[inneedofhelp82]

I don't know anyone could forgive their abuser, i never good but i do think people need to move on. I was abused and i believe my parents knew but hid and never talked to me about it. I now have many mental health issues and i blame my abuser for causing them and my parents for not helping me when i was a child.
It is hard to forget or forgive but trying to deal with it is all we can do.

[ConnieG]

You're welcome. My prayers are with you that one day you can feel freedom from your abuser! and live a happy healthy life!!

[kenneltech]

Forgiveness means freedom.  It also means that you have finally taken control of your anger and feelings and you are no longer letting those that have hurt you control your life anymore.  As long as you are angry and non-forgiving, these people have total control over your life, even if they aren't in your life anymore.  In spirit, they are.  It means you have finally taken control of your life as you aren't being controlled by those that have hurt you.  You forgive, and the pain lessens and you don't worry about it anymore.  You will never forget, but forgiveness is more for you than for them.  After all, the people that have hurt you could probably care less in the first place, being and staying angry at someone who has abused you is only hurting you, not them.  If abuse hurt them, the wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I learned a long time ago that people just don't care, especially those that have abused me, I'm the one that carried all the baggage, they could care less.

[allmymarbles]

I would say instead that escape is freedom. And it does not involve maintaining anger or hatred. It means eliminating it by putting it behind you, and getting on with your life. That is not in accordance with the Christian ethic, but what is so special about the Christian ethic? No all of us live by it, and we survive quite nicely.

[kenneltech]

Don't believe I even once mentioned the Christian ethics?  Could it be that you carry some anger there?  See, if you don't forgive, you CAN'T forget, nor can you let it go!  Whom are you escaping from?  Escape essentially means forgiving in that you have "let it go," and forgiving is "letting it go," and moving on to bigger and better things.

You seem to have some real issues because I mentioned things to do here that YOU have perceived as a slap in the face, that YOU percieved as a Christian ethic.

No, I simply am telling this person how the hell I managed and came out sane.

[narla]

I also don't believe that forgiving is a christian ethic,for me it was letting go,being comfortable with who I am,and not allowing the perpertrator to control my feelings any more.

Denise  

[kenneltech]

Yes, letting go is in a sense, forgiving, because if you are still angry every time you think about what happened to you or something makes you think of what happened and it ruins your whole day, then you basically are still under tremendous turmoil about it all.  I think that letting go=forgiveness.  It kind of goes hand in hand.  FORGIVE AND FORGET!

[Dazon50]

There are some good answers here, I am putting a few thoughts on the table as this is one area near and dear to my heart.

It isn't easy as ConnieG so wonderfully put it.  I have found it to be a long process and not one that is smooth or straight.  There may be the taking it back as talked about, when you try to put it out of your mind or not think about it or say you are letting go/forgiving.......

I think it is a process because there are different aspects of it that hit you as you live and go through other experiences.  New awarenesses may come that are triggered by things other say or do or don't do.  Therapy helps so many because someone comes along as the door is opened or windows and you peek in those dark areas that were boarded up before.  It helps to have support when the sorrow of what was taken and lost feels makes you feel like you will never stop crying nor ever live.

I started with a desire to forgive...a "want to".  Telling some to "forgive" doesn't make it happen.  It has to be your choice or mine or anyone else who feels wronged.  

I believe in forgiveness or letting go because I know I am far from perfect and if there wasn't any forgiveness, all of us would live in worse situations with bitterness, anger, and such. Also it becomes like living in a prison in that thoughts gravitate to what was done and many thoughts about the person(s)....that block out the light of growth and freedom to become who you are meant to be.  How many of us spend long hours in that prison..."sigh".

I think that a good way to tell if you have let go is when you no longer have the ups and downs emotionally when thinking about that person or seeing them. It is a wonderful state to be in to be able to move on to new areas and see life in a new way :-))

I wish you the best of the best in dealing with what you have gone through and hope you will find restoration and wholeness in your journey into healing.

[allmymarbles]

I never said you mentioned the Christian ethic, but your comment clearly expressed it. Freudian  psychology was very anti-escape. That school preferred to dwell on the issue ad nauseum until presumably you got it out of your system. But there are many schools of thought on the subject. Freud reflected a northern-European bias. I note that the world does not begin and end in Austria. In any case he is no longer fashionable.