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Avatar universal

what shall i do, keep going or leave?

I'm married to my husband for one and half year. We met 3 years ago. during the past 3 years, when he is calm, he is a very loving and humorous person and taking good care of me. but we had many many arguments, and some of them often end up with him losing his temper and to bring up breakup or divource for like 20 times: before we got married, after we got married, when I was pregnant, when I was breastfeeding my baby...

to cut the long story short, our baby was born in May. my parents come to stay with us in the same house to take care of me and my baby for about 3 months. Itis not easy to get along with in-laws, especially my parents and my husband have quite differnet lifestyle. My husband always complaint to me that my parents didn't keep the house hygiene enough and after the baby born, he never felt being helped and feel very tired and stressed as he had to clean the house and cooked more than he used to while doing a full-time job and taking care of baby duirng night.
in a word, after our baby born, loads of problems poped out, and some problems triggered my husband's anger for 4 times in 2 months, towards me and towards my parents. it was getting worse and worse. The fourth time, in an evening there happend the most serious one, he got angry, grab my forearms firmly and threathened"do you aware that I could kill you", my parents heard the argument and come upstairs, my husband shouted at them "do you aware that I could kill you all". we were very scared, and my parents and i took our baby downstair. He lost his temper, broke a doorknob and hit a hole into wall. The next day, my health visitor come to see me and my baby And I told her what has happened in the evening. She saw the hole in the wall and the broken doorknob  and was worried about me and my baby’s safety, though I told her that my husband didn’t physically hurt me and never hurt our baby.  She insisted that I should call the police because she saw the damage to the house and she told me that my husband needs to learn a lesson. I rang the police and they come to have a look at the house and listen to my statement. They arrested my husband later for domestic violence when he was working but released him in the evening. My husband didn’t spend time in prison but the police give him a criminal record.
My parents, I and my baby moved out of the house the day he was arrested.  After my husband was released, we speak on phone for the next 2 days. He was upset and regretful of what he has done and shouted. He asked us to move back and he knew that we are very scared of him, he moved out the day we moved back in the house.
after my parents left, I stayed with my husband and his father  for about a month and things went well and he didn't lose his temper or shout at me again.Now I came back to new Zealand again to do my study and my husband is in the uk taking care of my baby with his father. My parents has been traumatised by what my husband’s behaviour and very worried about my safety if I go back to the UK again. After the incident, my husband seriously told me that he learned a lesson and promised me he wouldn’t do it again.  I want to trust him, but I’m as traumatised as my parents.  My husband and I love each other for sure. I don’t know whether I should trust him and give him a chance. He did lose his temper in the past and shouted at me, but this time is the worst because of the threatening. sometimes i feel that I tiptoe on the eggshell just to avoid to trigger his anger. what shall I do, my baby is just 4 month old, shall i stay in marriage or leave? will he change?
5 Responses
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535822 tn?1443976780
Yes this indeed one of those dilemma's I you do have to consider the future and what it will be like if the behavior escalates, for you and your child.Do you believe that all of a sudden he will not get out of control and angry ? He does need help, of course you are stressed ..trust me it wont change you really have to get tough perhaps some counseling for you to help you make any decision  is in order .good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you very much for your comments. when I asked him to see theropist and attend anger management course, he just avoid to talk about it. if I keep talking about it, he is irrated and asked me to stop. the NHS provides free counselling but only in 6 months, that is ridiculous...

as he himself is taking care of our baby alone during the night and evening, he emails me and said that taking care of a baby is the best way of shaping his patience and behavior as he has to be calm, and he said that he'd be better person for all.
however, just one day after that, we has some disagreement over a small issue, and he gets furious losing his temper again and shouted and yelled at my parents over the phone"how much you want to push me""I've got enough! what do you want to do to me".
I don't know what I should do. I feel very stressed atm, sleep only 3 hours a day.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you very much for your comments. when I asked him to see theropist and attend anger management course, he just avoid to talk about it. if I keep talking about it, he is irrated and asked me to stop. the NHS provides free counselling but only in 6 months, that is ridiculous...

as he himself is taking care of our baby alone during the night and evening, he emails me and said that taking care of a baby is the best way of shaping his patience and behavior as he has to be calm, and he said that he'd be better person for all.
however, just one day after that, we has some disagreement over a small issue, and he gets furious losing his temper again and shouted and yelled at my parents over the phone"how much you want to push me""I've got enough! what do you want to do to me".
I don't know what I should do. I feel very stressed atm, sleep only 3 hours a day.

Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
I agree , he has a control ,anger issue and he will need some counseling ..in fact he may never change ,I also think all this is bad for the baby if you stay and he continues the behavior your child will grow up afraid and anxious .Tell him he needs help if you are to stay with him if he wont , leave ...Good luck
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
He will only change if he has counseling and goes at it with a willing heart.  That kind of threat is definitely a sign of an out-of-control temper (not necessarily meaning he would kill you, but that he has rage and no control of what he says when he is angry).  I am surprised that you are unworried for the baby, even if he is loving to the baby now, if he has nobody else to vent his rage on and the baby does something that angers and frustrates him, he might at least yell.  Talk to a counselor where you are now, explain the situation, and get professional advice.  Best choice would be someone who does anger-management counseling.
Helpful - 0
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