Benefits of forcing son into nonvoluntary treatment

Hi everyone.  I have a question about whether or not I should force my son into nonvoluntary treatment.  I live in AZ he is now in Florida.  Based on discussions with my other son in Florida who he was living with and recent conversations,I am sure he is using something, heroin, cocaine..I can tell the minute he starts talking.  He denies it. He was discharged from the military last Nov for drug and alcohol but participated in their treatment program before being discharged.  Initially I thought he was doing OK, but all the signs are there now.  I could go on, but my question is this...do I continue to support him from a distance or is there a benefit to forcing him into treatment against his will using the state programs? I don't feel like I can sit by and watch his decline...it's just so heartbreaking.  Any advice?

[atthebeach]

Hello and welcome. I know how heartbreaking and frustrating it is to have a child abusing drugs. You feel helpless I am sure especially since you are so far away.
you can't force him to get clean. You can't make him go to a rehab. Over 18 he is an adult and has to sign himself in and out.it sounds like he is in denial about his addiction. He hasn't come to terms with it yet. Until he admits he has a problem and needs help there isn't anything you can do for him.you could pray. I would look into alanon meetings for yourself.
I will pray for you and your son.
Debbie

[littlebit667]

He has to want to go for it to work.  That is probably why he relapsed after being discharged and leaving their program.  You can try to help by being there for him when he needs you, but until he does it won't work.  It breaks your heart because you want your son to be in the moment and not doing drugs.  ALANON will help.  ALANON meetings are sort of finding the right doctor..if the first one does not work for you (the group) after about 6 meetings then find another one that does.  My husband is bipolar and was an alcoholic for years as a way to handle this mental illness.  It was not until the bipolar was dx. and he got treatment did he have the ability to deal with the drinking.  I am not saying your son is mentally ill, I am saying that it is something to consider.  I hope you are able to handle this as a parent of adult children I understand some of your heartbreak.

[boognell]

You are indeed in a heartbreaking circumstance. In order to help your son you MUST help yourself. In order to do so you will have to separate your head from your heart. If your son is in fact an addict, you will have to accept that he is suffering from a disease. Addiction is a disease that brings with it physiological changes (including neurologlical changes to the brain). Get educated, seek out support groups such as Nar-Anon where you will find a wealth of information as well as the personal experiences of others in your circumstance. You did not cause this, you cannot control it, nor can you cure it. You can love your son and hate the addiction. The trick is not crossing that fine line between loving your son and enabling his addiction. No matter how bad things get with your son it does not mean that he does not love you. Never lose hope. Prepare youself for a long journey for there are no quick fixes for this disease. There will be highs and lows but hope should remain a constant. Know that your son must make a singular journey to sobriety. Your job is to preserve your sanity and to NOT  allow this disease to take you or other members of your family into the abyss.
Good luck, stay strong, and never give up hope.

[5plus2]

Thank you so much for your advice.  Since posting this comment, my son as been in a physical altercation, kicked out of his apartment, homeless since he as burned all bridges and still refusing to seriously consider help.  I've begged him to get treatment, told him I will support his efforts, but I won't enable him as many of you recommended.  My heart is breaking and if I could go back in time and find the reason he went down this path I would do anything to change it.  

[avisg]

I would do everything in my power to get him into rehab .yes I know theres whole " you cant help an addict untless they want to " As a cpl very wise people told me even though they didnt want to go to rehab without it they never would have gotten clean and have stayed clean long term.So if you can get him in treatment then i would

[littlebit667]

That is true avisg.  It does not hurt to attempt to get them help.  But I just would not want the poster to beat themselves up if they are not successful.  There is always hope...but reality must be faced as well.

[Ann2497]

Has your son admitted that he has a problem yet?  Until he admits it you will not be able to get him into treatment.  I know how heartbreaking this must be for you.  As a parent I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes.  With him being homeless maybe he won't have the money to buy drugs and will be forced to go cold turkey.  Not the ideal situation.  It would be best if he decided to quit on his own and not forced to quit.

[justsaynotodrugs]

        Treatment has a way of helping even though the person dont want to go. The fear of the unknow keeps a lot of people who would benifit from treatment from going If you can talk him into going that will work if you force him to go he might not like that but it would still help him to here other addicts tell there storys about how drugs are messing their lives up. Being in treatment is better than being on the streets. Treatment worked for me.     Let go let God

[5plus2]

No he hasn't.  It almost seems like he is OK with where he is in life, or that it isn't worth the effort to get help. I think now more than ever I realize that I could move the earth for him, but in he end it wouldn't matter until it matters to him.  When will it matter?  How much has to be lost before it matters?  My plan now is to go to FL and beg, plead, insist, convince, compel him to go get help, I'll drive him to a center, walk him to the doors, whatever it takes, but I know he'll have to walk through the doors. It's his choice.  I guess this is an intervention.  Let's hope it works.

[avisg]

plz let us know how it goes

[Ann2497]

He needs to get sick of the pills and sick of the life on the pills or hit rock bottom.  Does he work?  How does he pay for the pills?

[justme1119]

I have been there.  I am there.  My husband and I spent and hour on the phone with a person, a volunteer, who told us about interventions and then put us in touch with a rehab place.  Both the volunteer and the young lady we spoke to at the rehab were former addicts.  Their parents had spent fortunes, literally to get them help.  The young man said that his parents had an interventionist hunt him down and talk him into going.  The young lady said that her mother looked at the cost of rehab, vs a funeral and they were about the same.  I believe they were sincere.  But my husband refuses to spend any more money on my son.  We fully expect him to spend time in prison.  We pray and hope that he doesn't kill himself or someone else.  I think Florida is an easy place to get drugs.  I know this might seem random, but I hope it helps just knowing that others are going through it.  I am 53 yr old woman.  If you want to message me and stay in touch, I'm willing.

[justme1119]

I forgot to say that I have older son that did go to rehab, for alchohol, I can never spell that word.  Anyway, he got his life back together and is doing well.

[hono1]

How far would you go?

I thought about what I would do if my son the addict were in the ICU. Someone would be by his side 24/7. Why WAIT for that to happen?

We know we can't make him go but we also know that he has never used while a family member is by his side. Now I"m thinking that we can just never leave him. He's promised to start outpatient treatment program this Monday. I plan to set up a schedule so that one family member is always with him.

Has anyone else tried that?

[loretta420]

I am watching my daughter do the same thing. Its heart breaking.  I do know this for certain, You cant rehab someone thqt doesnt want to do it. They have to be ready and want it in order for it to work. Good luck. Pray for him and hope he lives through it.

[maggie6842]

I would say force him. If he is using, he doesn't realize the concept of what he is doing to his life and needs help. My son died almost seven years ago of an accidental overdose of Metadone from shooting it up. He was 34. He was my only child. My life will never be the same. It has been hell to try to keep from loosing my mind thinking that I should have done more. My God be with you. God is my only salvation now.

[bluedaze]

I too know personally how heartbreaking this is. It is the single hardest thing that i have ever had to face as a parent. My 23 y/o dausghter was raped by 4 men in Spain in June 2010. She handled her pain by snorting roxies for about a year until she got caught stealing from her family. We have been through it I tell you!
She decided to do the methadone clinic even though it was against my wishes. I too wanted to force her into inpatient. But you can't force an addict into anything they don't want for themselves. A truer statement does not exist.
My daughter lived with me during the begining. I too thought that if I were here with her all the time I will know if she is continuing to use. The only problem with that is you are "on watch" all of the time. It's almost likeI was waiting for the other shoe to fall. Times, when maybe there was a legitimate reason for her being sick or having a ton of dirty spoons in her space made me go WILD with anger. That trust was broken and I have not been able to get it back. She also met a fellow addict boyfriend and before I knew it, he was living here full time... no job, no car.. you get the picture. I tried many times to throw him out. Watching all of this, watching them disrespect the basement apt of my house, finding pot growing in their closet, empty pill vials everywhere..... well it took it's toll on me. They moved out last weekend and it feels good. It goes against all motherly instincts to watch your child suffer. To watch her deny all the bad in her life.
What I do know without a shadow of a doubt is that Al-Anon works. I was very hesitant to go, but people in the forum insisted that I go. It was a God send. I look forward to every meeting. You have to let go of your control and hand it over to a higher power. It will make you feel much better. You cannot make it all go away unless your child is ready. That's it.

[Hayleys25]

Hi there am sorry about your son but only your son can do it for him self no matter who tries you cannot force him just support him and when he is ready he will do it anyway, hope he realises soon

[Fearlessmom121]

I would not give up on my son and I would force him into rehab no matter how many times it takes because addiction is from the mind so he is unable to save himself.  While in rehab he will get a clear mind and it just might work.  NEVER GIVE UP!  Dont listen to  that crap about hitting rock bottom - He can not fix himself because he is sick.

[SuperRickHenry]

He has to want it sweetie.  You can pray and speak with people but he needs Rock Bottom... If it's involuntary to him I myself don't think it'll help but it could plant a seed in him for recovery. Living as an addict is hell.  And he is gonna feel that way. Are you sure he is HIGH? Can you come out for a visit??? Sounds like your other son knows his situation more.  Sorry and I'm prayin for ya.  God will do what he will, talk with him... Cry to him... Even tell your son how much this hurts you.  My mom Tough Loved Me... Praying for you and him....... From Rick