I think I should go to detox, but I am scared

Hello,

I've had a long hard journey with opiates, coke, weed, amphetamines, benzos.  Basically, if you have something I cannot say no.  I am just a true addict.  I have been seeking out help from Dr's and finally met an amazing addiction counselor today.  He told me I needed detox right away and that this was life or death.  It shocked me, but I needed to here it.  I ended up crying, the first time I've done that in front of anyone in like 2 years.  I knew I had just heard the truth and it was scary.  My biggest fear of detoxing is telling my family.  I am 28 and live on my own, but I see my parents all the time and spend some nights at home with them.  My mom is mentally ill.  She is fine some days, but other days she is severely depressed or angry and nasty and will pick fights with my mom and sister.  When her parents passed away she was despondent for months.  I think me telling her that I need detox will put her into a similar tailspin.  I have also been taking vicodin from my dad for years and along with the great shame I feel from it, I don't want to tell my mom this because she will blame my father and she will berate him and blame him all day and make his life even more miserable than being in a completely loveless marriage.  What should I do, I want the detox and need it, but I don't want to inflict pain on my family for being a screw up?

[ActingBrandNew]

I wouldn't be concerned with telling my parents now. If you hadn't of reached out for help somewhere else...Id tell you to tell your dad....but since you saw the counselor and agree to go to detox...then go. There is no need to tell your parents if it will only cause discord. You need to worry about YOU right now and get help....which it sounds like your doing. GOOD JOB! If anything...it sounds like your Dad is level headed...maybe you tell him only if you feel the absolute need to be honest with him. Another option is telling them once you get out of detox.

The biggest thing now...is getting you to detox. Once you get there and get clean...you can work all the other stuff out...with a CLEAR head.

Good luck and God bless!

[jonster]

Thank you for your reply.  How long do I have to detox for?  Is that different from rehab?  

[ActingBrandNew]

I went to a detox facility for 9 days. Its different then a rehab. At detox, you are under medical care and are just dealing with the withdrawal aspect of recovery. Some people take longer than others to detox but its hard all the same. I liked detoxing in a facility versus when I detoxed at home. The nurses there know how to help you deal with symptoms. If you have the opportunity to go...do it! You will walk out of there with a fresh start. You can go to rehab after or an outpatient. You can evaluate that when the time comes. The most important think is to detox.

Keep us posted

[frjs85]

hey buddy sorry to hear about your situation. i agree, u should go to rehab. Have u tried quitting on ur own? If you can't do it on your own, then theres only one more option, to get help. You seem like you've acknowledged the truth, great job. I've been to rehab, and seen people with multiple dui's and all kinds of troubles and still don't admit they have a problem. That is a big step. And trust me, it will take time to get better. I dont know how long you've used for, I've been clean 48 days today and I still struggle. But the worse seems to be over. Just to clarify what detox is. Detox is typically done in hospitals, however there are also certain doctors how work in residential rehabs (not in hospitals) that will detox you while in rehab, that is the type of rehab i went to. I detoxed for the first 9 days in rehab. There are options out there. Try to call ur insurance and see what rehabs they will cover. One more thing about your parents. You said it would tear them apart to know whats going on with you, youre right it will. But just think about how proud they will be in a month, year, 5 years, etc when they see you growing as a person. Just because things are horrible right now, they don't always have to be that way. And you have the power to change that brew. Let us know what you decide. If you need help or have questions about rehab, feel free to send me a message. I'd like to help you. Take Care.

[jonster]

Thanks, I know I can't do it alone because I have failed a ton of times before.  I've wanted to stop for about the last year and a half.  The last 5 months I was on subutex.  I took that during the week and took oxy most weekends(got a little buzz, but was prob just wasting $)  I didn't like subutex it gave me bad side-effects and I wanted to quit it so I did on Christmas day.  I lasted like 6 days of terrible withdrawal and started using vicodin to ease my pain for the next 5 days or so.  Than I started very small piece of sub to help me sleep and after not taking it for about 3 weeks i took about .5 mgs of sub a day for 9 days.  I was in Australia and only brought 5 2mg pills.  It was supposed not be used , but I used it every day and when I jumped off again I was right back to sub withdrawals.  Got home switched back to vicodin and now the past few days I've had some oxy.  Even through in amphetamines for 2 days when I didnt have anything else.  Because of this, everyday I don't use I am basically in some stage of withdrawal depending on my last couple days.  I use drugs about 60% of the time and 40% not using trying to tell myself to stop and being miserable.  I saw a drug counselor and he told me if I kept this up I was going to get myself killed.  I liked his honesty.  I've seen a bunch of drs, but this was my first addiction specialist and for the first time I finally felt like I had someone in my corner who cared.  He said I need to detox, move back in with my parents because my roomate does drugs all the time and I shouldn't be near him because I can never say no.  

I think I prob need some type of rehab to to figure out how to cope and stop myself like frjs85 was saying.  I like the idea of doing a detox while in rehab.  

[atthebeach]

hi jon,
you are back from australia and still struggling. as i looked at your earlier posts from feb. 2010 you have been trying to quit for about 3 years.
jon you dont want to tell your parents? i understand how hard that can be.
i am the mother of a son who has been in recovery for almost 4 years, my husband has been in recovery for 3 years and my daughter is in rehab now.
addiction happens. it effects the whole family. my children were younger and lived with me when they were getting high, my daughter moved out at the end, but i definitely knew. many times it cant be hidden.
i am sure your parents would support you and want you to reclaim your life again. i have know too many young people in their late teens and twentys that overdosed. we lived in a very affluent town, money was no object, they didnt have to committ crimes to get their drug money, they got it from their parents. i am vey proud of my children for going to rehab and walking the recovery road. it is a marathon not a sprint.
my son was court ordered at 17, when he got out he continued to smoke pot and drink, he went in for coke. he quit pot almost 4 years ago,
he was very unmotivated,dysfuntional. he still drinks on and off.
my daughter went in at 21 yrs old  for opiates, xanax  and pot 5 months ago. she is in a christian rehab. it is a year program, when she went she said she would stay for 2 or 3 months i was just glad she was getting off the streets. she now wants to stay, and work at the rehab.
there is always hope.... the chains and bondage of addiction can be broken.
please dont be ashamed of wanting to get clean, your parents will be very proud of you.
sending hope, encouragement and prayers,
debbie

[guido710]

I agree with everybody above.  You are a young man with a wonderful future ahead of you..if you want it.  And it sure sounds like you do.  My son stole hundreds of vicoden and xanax from me that were prescribed by a doctor and why I had them I don't know.  I never took them.  Never the less, he stole them and told me he was only selling them.  I hope thats the case. Anyway, I won't ramble on.  I would tell your father the situation.  Take him to lunch or for a coffee and explain it.  I think he would be very proud and supportive.  I know if any of my three children (20, 18 and 14) came to me and asked for help, I'd thank my lucky stars that they realized before it was too late and I'd do absolutely ANYTHING to assist them in getting clean.  Good luck buddy!  You're strong and this will make you stronger!!!

[jonster]

Thanks for all the responses.

debbie thank you for sharing the story about your kids, you sound like a great mom.  The part where you describe your son as being unmotivated and dysfunctional is an apt description of myself.  I wish your children luck in their recovery.  

guido Thank you for your kind words.  I know my dad would be supportive I am not worried about him.  I am worried about my poor mom.  I think I would break her heart and I love her, but she ***** at handling adversity.  

One thing that worries me about getting clean is that I wasn't a happy person before I started using.  I had crippling depression and anxiety.  It was a major reason for me starting to use.  The time when I have quit for a while or sobered up for a few weeks, these issues are right back with me.  I feel incredibly depressed all the time and I have a free floating anxiety that makes me feel physically ill and panicky.  No one has been able to help me with this and it makes me feel like I can never live an enjoyable life without these problems always being with me.

[atthebeach]

thank you jon,  i appreciate your kind words.
my son who i speak of is now 27. he started smoking pot at 13, was diagnosed with add at 14, was given stratera (Strattera). he did coke,xanax,
estacy,whip its, drank. his moods were all over the place, high then low, angry then glad,fearful then could conquer the world, happy then sad,in & out of therapy. then realized he was self medicating trying to balance out his moods.  diagnosed at 16 with rapid cycling bi-polar, a devastating thing to hear. was put on depacoke along with the stratera (Strattera). in rehab at 17, still on meds. he stopped the meds around 19, continued to smoke pot non-stop,i mean 24/7. he became extremely paranoid, more anxious. started to drink alot, everyday. stopped smoking pot at 23, still drank. his anxiety, his fears, no bridges, doesnt like to drive,no airplanes, big time ocd.
wasnt on any meds for add or bipolar since 19. he finally went to a psychiatrist and got paxil at 25, walked around with the prescription for 1 year and never filled it, afraid of the side effects. he started taking it one year ago. has always taken xanax in low doses. last summer he decided he felt better, stopped the paxil. he went into a tail spin and got so depressed and his anxiety increased 10 fold, racing thoughts,fears of dying, questioning life,afraid to be alone. in the fall he agreed to see a psychiatrist again. we heard the bipolar word again, we were not happy. he is very afraid of the bipolar meds, they do have some scary side effects. he started the paxil again and still takes xanax. he is better but not still has depression and anxiety. he stopped drinking 6 weeks ago to see if that helps. he has been working the same job in sales for 3 years, i am trying to get him to see a therapist, still hasnt.
i said all that to say to you, please try again to get some help. you are self medicating and that isnt the answer as you can see. a psychiatrist, therapist, that is great you went to an addiction specialist.
have you ever taken any AD meds?  have you been to therapists?
i hope and pray you get some answers, i know how my son has suffered and i wouldnt wish that on anyone.
you deserve to be happy and at peace.
there is always hope.... dont give up....
keep the faith.....
debbie

[jonster]

Thanks for sharing that atthebeach.  I feel very much for you and your son.  I'm sure all you want for him is happiness and know that you will never give up on helping him.  I hope he says a therapist soon and that slowly they can work on his problems and one day he will wake up and feel good.  

I took AD meds like 4 years ago.  It was the beginning of me taking Vicodin recreationally.  It met with an incompetent nurse practioner.  She said I just had depression and anxiety and than said bipolar.  She prescribed a slew of different meds over the next 8 months and nothing helped.  I felt more depressed than ever and some of the meds made me feel crazy.  I quit seeing her and after 8 months of hell I made a pact to myself that I would do whatever takes to help myself.  It started with vicodin than went to oxy than subutex and now I'm sort of just in limbo.  Before seeing that Dr. I had been able to live with my anxiety and the depression was relatively new.  I had smoked some pot and drank in High School and drank a large amount in college, but never really messed with anything else.  2 years after the nurse practioner I saw another Dr. who gave me Ritalin for ADD.  I actively sought out an ADD Dr though and I was on them for about a year.  They served their purpose which was helping me play poker more.  

[LaineyL]

I just got out of La Hacienda Treatment center in Hunt, TX.   Detoxed from zfentanyl, Percocet, Alcohol, benzios, Ambien. Adderal, Vyvanse, nuVigil - was in bad shape and abusing all.  They made detox a smooth rider and thru rehab learned excellent coping skills, detailedc12 step recovery, how to reconnect spiritually, and I fell better than I have in years.  I can be done!!  Take a look at La Hacienda - it may be your solution.  -Lainey.

[Nighthawk61]

I think you're making a great choice in going to a detox unit, but you haven't mentioned whether you can go to treatment. Do you have the means to go to rehab? Are you working, or able to commit to residential treatment? There are also programs that are longer in duration (than 28 days), and they can lead to sober houses, afterwards, which might be a good thing for you. Absolutely, you'll need to stay away from people , places and things that trigger you. You're standing above the great abyss of addiction, and choosing to walk away instead, with your life. God does help those who help themselves, and I think that you'll have a great new life now. As for the depression and anxiety that you felt when you started to self medicate, things might have changed by now. Good therapy makes a huge difference, and you are older and you will be educated and have coping tools to deal with your depression. Please don't consider your depression while going through withdrawal as an indication of how good you will be feeling in a proper program. There are so many things that will be different. You will have therapists, counselors, mentors, sponsors, clean and sober friends, you will have the pride and self satisfaction that comes from being clean and sober, you will have coping tools, exercise programs, proper nutrition, a spiritual foundation, hobbies that give you joy, and so much more!!!!

Please, stop yourself from speculating on whether depression is inevitable. You are older now, and have hope for the future, or you wouldn't be trying to get clean. Something is pulling you on, to your best life. Just remember to take it one day at a time, and don't over-think your feelings. If you're feeling negative, put in an action that will take you away from that thought. Every time you have a negative thought, replace it with a positive one. Be grateful always, and try to put a smile on someones face, by doing so, you'll find you're smiling more yourself. You have a huge support structure now, that you've never had before. This program works miracles so please, think positive and have no fear. My husband and I got clean and sober together in 99. Anything and everything is possible in recovery. God Bless you son. Liz

[shezzreal]

Fear and guilt are Satan's best tools. The fear of not having the drugs and what that is going to be like and the guilt of dealing with others will keep you from dealing with this. But ask yourself this:  both of your parents would rather have you alive at any cost than dead. Think of your mom at that point. As a parent I can tell you what it is like to lose a child. My daughter died at 16 in a car wreck. There were no drugs involved but death is death. I almost died of grief. Your mom will deal with detox much easier than she would deal with your death. You have to do what is best for you no one else and you will die if you keep this out of control behavior up! God is a merciful God He does not condemn you so don't condemn yourself! He is a big God and you would be surprised at what He can take care of! Now take it one step at a time and quit looking at the big picture. I have been in your shoes in a way and knorw what you are facing. My circumstances are very different because I have severe chronic pain and have to be on some pain medicine but I had to go to detox to be able to get it under control
I take very little now only what I need for pain control. What has helped me the most besides prayer is a drug called lyrica. It took the cravings away for more medicine and it takes away withdrawal symptoms. It also miraculously took away my anxiety completely and the depression that went along with it it is a miracle drug if you ask me. Google  it and read some blogs about it. It was originally made for neurological pain but it is not a narcotic. Any way God bless you

[frjs85]

hey bud
I just read your post about how you were depressed before you started using. Don't worry thats a common thing. no matter what drugs your on, you'll go through PAWS (post acute withdrawl (withdrawal) syndrome) when you quit the drugs. But don''t worry it will pass and things will get better, they always do. All drugs do is numb the pain for a little bit, but it comes at a huge cost. And the depression still lies underneath. We as addicts have to find and im quoting the advice of what people tell me everyday because i need to hear it, positive ways of coping and facing our problems. U can do it!!!!

[jonster]

Hello all,

Thanks for sharing your advice, stories and kind words.  I feel like I deserve to give you guys an update.  I am about 5 hours from finishing day 4 clean.  The first day was ok up until nighttime when I got hit hard.  Day 2 was a nightmare...constant painful diarrhea, total lethargy and the thought of doing anything was a foreign thought.  I got by.  Day 3 was a big day.  I woke up I felt crummy, but a little better than yesterday.  My roommate had a late night and I was waiting around for him to get up and than get some drugs.  The longer I waited to more I didn't want to do it.  I got in the car and called my drug counselor who didn't pick up.  I than called my best friend who knows about my struggle and told him I was either going to a hockey game with all my friends and I would 100% do drugs or I could drive home stay at my parents and continue my sobriety there.  I went back inside and my roommate was awake.  I told him I wasn't coming with him tonight that I was mentally and physically shot.  I told him I didnt want to do drugs or drink tonight that it wasnt worth it to have one or 2 good nights and than feel like death for weeks.  He guilted me and kept saying one last time, I'll make sure you don't pick up too many pills from now on and he said this line" you don't even have to drink tonight" implying that doing drugs was a 100% certain.  I held strong and left to drive home.  I feel a rush of euphoria like slaying a dragon.  

There was a problem though.  I was frequently going to the bathroom a lot the last 2 days and had a pretty constant pain in my scrotum.  I made a Dr.  appointment and said I prob have a UTI.  I foolishly forgot that I have a history of kidney stones and that was more likely.  I also told them I was in opiate withdrawal.  Everyone was extremely nice and helpful and aware of how hard of an addiction this is.  I got my heart tested and its all good.  I got bloodwork done to see if I've screwed anything up permanently and am waiting for the results.  The Dr. also wanted me to start taking Wellbutrin 75 mgs a day to start.  What do you guys think of doing this?  


Anyway, today has been a nightmare I wanted to get out of the house so I went to my sisters.  I have been in pretty brutal pain all day in my scrotum area accompanied with the horrible burning diarrhea which feels like you have to keep going and going, but you don't, its hard to explain, but it hurts and weakens me from dehydration.  I'm also peeing every 15 minutes and trying to drink a ton of water to pass this thing.  

I feel as though I am being tested to see if some more adversity will stop me from becoming clean.  For the pain I'm in I most certainly would be given a vicodin script, but I don't want any of that crap.  I'm reacquainting myself with pain.  We have been strangers for so long he is just flexing his muscles and seeing how much I can take.  It is a lot to take and I have my moments of feeling complete despair, and I look forward to bedtime so I can take my ambien and rid myself of the pain.  Its pretty sad that we have such few days on earth and I am wishing they would just be over with.  I'm going to keep on going though I am serious this time, I miss having natural emotions and feeling happy or sad, or excited.  

Anyway officially 89 hours clean and once I can take care of this kidney problem anything will be possible.  

God Bless

Jon

[sadmom999]

Jon,

I am not a recovering addict, but I'm a mother of one.  I just wanted to cheer you on and tell you I'm proud of you!  Keep up the great work.  It will pass.  Not overnight, but you will gradually get more comfortable.  My daughter went through lots of rehab and is now in sober living...she takes an antidepressant.  It helps.  Please, please stay away from "old friends" who do drugs and/or drink, you don't need temptation, especially right now.

Hang in there and keep in touch.

Jane

[jonster]

Hope your daughter continues to do well.  It must be very hard seeing your daughter suffer and must make you very proud when she gets sober.  It is such a hard process which is impossible to explain if you haven't gone through it.  Today was similar to yesterday.  I woke up feeling meh, but got myself to the gym.  Felt great after working out and decided to go to the movies with my friends.  For most of it I felt horrible, extremely nauseous, dead tired, anxious and depressed.  By the time the movie ended I was feeling better mentally and joking and laughing with my friends and felt slightly better physically.  Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to go through this process for quite a while like the movie groundhog day.  Feeling good and than out of nowhere feeling horrible for a few hours and back and forth.  I'm still committed to taking no pills and am going to keep taking things one day at a time and possibly look into meetings or any other way I can help myself.  God luck to anyone struggling with detox and addiction and the family members of those who are trying to help their loved ones.  

[frjs85]

Hello
Just wanted to let you know that you are doing great!! It takes courage to do what youre doing and especially on your own. To be tempted face to face like that while only having a few days clean most people (including myself) woulda caved. If at all possible, do you have a family member or sober friends house you could stay at? You said your roomate uses, you would deffinetly be better off (not saying u cant stay sober where your at now) staying in a completely clean environment. Glad to hear youre feeling better. And what you said about the mood swings, we all go though it. I remember in rehab feeling like i was emotionally numb like i couldnt laugh or cry or anything, than at times being overwhelmed with mostly anxiety but i had moments of happiness in there. It's a constant uphill approach though. Haha my friend told me its like when were in addiction we keep piling a mountain of pain and guilt in front of us. The longer we use or drink the bigger the mountain gets. Now as sober addicts, we have to CLIMB 1  inch at a time back up that mountain. Each day we keep climbing little by little. That first week, it sux real bad. But im glad to see youre doing the right thing. Keep it up, youll start to notice days were you have some good moments, then great moments. The road to get there is a just a little bumpy, keep the car on the road!!!!  

[jonster]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice.  It's funny I woke up this morning absolutely miserable.  I slept horrible and when I did sleep I just had dreams of popping pills for the first time in a while.  I was going to write a long complaint-filled post about how I have hit a wall going into week 2.  Fortunately, I forced myself to get out and go to the casino with my parents.  I felt bad about half the trip and than I started feeling pretty good.  I get really antsy being home now as when I was using drugs all I did was stay home and do drugs and watch tv.  I would recommend to anyone going through this to get out as much as you can.  Sitting around the house makes you think too much and the boredom is devastating.  About 6 hours away from finishing day 8 and right now in this moment I feel pretty good.  These mood swings are brutal and I'm hoping I can handle them.  

[atthebeach]

hey jon, congrats on your clean days. is the ambien the only thing that you are using now? did you start the wellbutrin? taking an AD is probably a good idea. are you working out and getting enough exercise in?
have you been to any support group meetings? still seeing the addiction counselor?
I have so many questions. are you still living with your room mates who use?
you need to set yourself up for success and put as many things to help you along  the way in place to help prevent relapse.
how are things with your parents? did you find out anything else about your kidneys or what is causing your pain?
keep posting for support and encouragement. keep on slaying that dragon jon. you have it within you, do things different this time around and you will continue on the road called recovery.
praying for you,
debbie

[jonster]

hi atthebeach,

I am 8 and 2/3 days clean.  I have 2 pills of ambien left and than I am done with them.  I tried a single dose of 75mg wellbutrin on day 4 and it was a disaster.  It gave me a rush of energy at first and than made me scary anxious a few hours later.  I have had really bad anxiety which comes and goes along with depression.  I haven't done any exercise besides getting out of the house and doing things(which for me is good exercise) as I when I was taking pills I was sitting around the house all day watching tv, movies, surfing the web just being high on pills.  I have found that watching tv, playing video games, watching movies and sitting around the house are extremely difficult on me.  I am so accustomed to being on pills for those activities that I get really antsy an anxious and miserable when doing them.  Hopefully that passes with time?  Today I haven't left the house and my cravings are through the roof.  I have a bad lower back, but once thats better I will start working out.  I had 3 kidney stones and passed 1 the others are unobstructed for now.  My liver enzymes are highly elevated, 3.5x where they should be from pills and alcohol.  I hope it can heal itself if I take care of myself.  

Here are the reasons I want to stay clean and have not caved in.  
-I don't want to be a prisoner to a pill or anything anymore.  No more worries about pills running out, or taking enough pills on vacation, or the withdrawal when you run out.

-I don't want to let down myself as when I take pills I feel like I have no self-worth.  During the withdrawal process I've felt pangs of pride for being able to make it this far.

-I don't want to let my friends down, who I've told and who have been very helpful.  I don't want to say listen man I relapsed again because if that happens I know rehab or some treatment program is the only option.  

-Physically, my eyes don't have bags under them, my eyeballs aren't red and messed up looking and my skin looks a healthier shade.  

-I don't have a future if I stay on the pills besides dying young.  Off the pills I feel like I can eventually have a gf again and even have a family some day.  Also, a job that I am passionate about would be nice.  

-Lastly, I don't want to go through withdrawals again.  My physical stuff is basically over and its more mental, but withdrawals are horrible horrible horrible.  

That's it for now going to try and do something like this everyday to remain positive.  

[frjs85]

GOOD STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glad to have just read that, o man i feel better already this is what its all about right here.  Kudos on how u said that u need to get out, gosh its so tough to do when ur down and out. I wish I coulda done that on my own. I remember saying that i was gonna get off the couch and do something but never would and just sat there and made it worse for myself. I couldnt do it. I guarantee it by staying clean, you'll feel alive again. Kudos to how u said u want to have a family some day, so glad that u c that. Ur a miracle brew.

Great job on achknowleding what you need to do. Its hard, after all we are addicts. All that stuff u mentioned about not dealing with withdrawl (withdrawal),self worth, worrying about running out, i remember having to go to social events with family and ALWAYS making sure i had something, cuz i couldnt be withdrawing around my family. All those painful nights and days will be gone, the fog will lift!!! That fear, anger, and depression will fade over time. just keep doing what youre doing ur on a solid start!!

I also wanted to let u kno that u seem like u have a level head and are serious about this and can see whats to gain by just putting down a checmial. Many know it is killing them but never stop. Cant tell u how many times i said "these pills will kill me eventually" and almost laughing about it like o well, watever we all gotta die. I just had such an f it attitude, and thats not who i am.  this disease is ugghhh i dont even know, its powerful. Im reminding my self (by talking w/ other addicts, and sharing on here) just how horrible it is. Its such a joy to hear others getting out of this alive, cuz not everyone does. This is like a war, were at war with this disease, were on a battlefield. Only way we make it out alive is to just step up, and take the pain, keep picking eachother up when we fall, and we do it one day at a time. As you get more time clean, a whole new world opens up. I am so grateful just to be able to walk down the street and smell the fresh air, haha i saw a mother playing with her kid outside the store today and it was beautiful.I feel for other people again, im human gain!!!  When i was using i wouldnt have cared, u kno.
You said ur over the physical part, great. thats the worst of it, just keep it up you are doing great and give urself ALOT of credit, u earned it homie.  You are worth it.
A saying that applied to me in addiction, idk if u could relate.
"If youre going through hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill

[jonster]

Thanks frjs85 seems like you are really enjoying life now.  Its inspirational!  How long have you been clean for?  I also had an f it attitude when it came to doing pills(I romanticized) the drug use.  The past 4 months I became more aware and knew it was killing me and I no longer thought dying young was cool.  This is a war we are in and their are many battles to be won.  I've lost almost all of the battles throughout these past 4 years, but I have never given up or surrendered.  I am now winning the biggest battle, the present.  

I am now 10 and a half days clean or 254.5 hours clean.  At this moment I feel good.  I'm about to go move stuff from my apartment that I shared with roommates who were bad influences and move back in with my parents for a while.  Most people would look at that as a step backwards.  I see it as a huge step forwards towards doing the right thing.  I keep setting up days to look forward in my sobriety count.  I'm looking forward to day 14 and day 20 now that I've hit day 10.  I read in a book that it takes you 10,000 hours to truely master something.   We'll I want to reach 10,000 hours of sobriety.  It won't make the master, but it will be quite an achievement and all the healing my body will be able to do will make it worth it.  

Good luck everyone just starting out who are trying to win their battle.  I have faith that you can do it and you should have faith in yourself as well.  It is over 10 days for me and I have to say I feel good.  Yes, I will still have some mood swings and yes I'll have some bad days, but taking a pill won't solve anything.  When you first start taking pills you think, these things are amazing , they make me feel so good.  You never stop and think wait a second if their a price for this amazing feeling.  Everything comes with a price and the price of these pills is you will need more and more over time, the high isn't as good or even there anymore and lastly your body and mind will suffer from its effects.  Withdrawal *****, but you have to realize you are just paying your price for all those highs you had.    

[jonster]

quick update*********

15&1/2 days clean.  

Depression and anxiety are gone except for random PAW's outbreaks.  Sleep is a problem.  Only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night.  I don't feel particularly tired when I wake up and its become pretty easy to get out of bed again in the morning which is nice.  Appetite is back and overall I feel good.  

However, I'm having bad cravings for some vicodin.  I tell myself I'm not going to do it and I've been strong because I know that slipping up once will probably lead to me using them again recreationally at first and than who knows.  What can I do to curb these thoughts?  

[Nighthawk61]

I got off opiates, crack, heroin, and alcohol by using one simple statement. Using is not an option. Over and over. I would work out, go to a meeting, anything to redirect my focus. I'm now almost to 5000 clean and sober days. You can beat these thoughts, just Keep it Simple.

[frjs85]

hey man
glad to c ur still clean. yea i remember in rehab i would sleep 3-4 hours every night. and be up wide awake. As for as curbing thoughts like nighthawk said just try to keep yourself focused. There is aa and na meetings worldwide, you should consider checking one of them out. If you have any close friends or other peeps who used to use, talking about it is a huge relief. Try sticking around other people who are sober and talk about it with them, hang out with them and let them know whats going on with you. Unfortunately theres no one method that will completely get rid of cravings. Thats the real trick, staying sober. I got sober tons of times and only stayed sober once. Just try involving yourself with hobbies maybe try a new job, watever, u kno, keep life interesting!! U got through the toughest part, like u said u won a lot of battles, but the war isnt over yet, keep it up!!

[atthebeach]

hi jon, i am so proud of you for moving out of that apartment. you need to keep yourself separated from all people, places and things associated with your use. how are you doing? i have  been mia for a couple weeks, i had have a few family issues to take care of.
i hope and pray all is well with you.....
debbie

[jonster]

Hey sorry I've been MIA.  I relapsed after about 18 days clean and went on a 2 week bender.  The cravings got to me and once I started I couldn't stop.  I foolishly thought I could do this on my own with no support system.  All I had was one good friend who really cares, but hes not an addict and has never touched drugs.  He could never quite understand my suffering.  Anyway, during the bender I was getting a bit out of control.  What started as 1 and a half vicodin twice a day grew 2 8 or 9 and was just popping them every 2 hours or so whenever I felt like I was coming down.  So, I did a rapid detox going from 6 one day to 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 to 1 to zero.  I felt kinda first day off.  Next 2 days I felt fine no withdrawal.  I'm on day 5 now and I was fine most of the day besides heavy cravings and than at night I just got slammed by depression and anxiety.  Feels like Paws more than withdrawal.  I basically feel close to as good as I was feeling physically before I relapsed which I am thankful for, but mentally I really disappointed in myself and right now at least I am back to feeling like doing nothing which I HATE.  

I'm going to find a therapist that I can work with first thing tomorrow.  I need to confide in someone and I need to release my deep dark secrets which make me numb and make me hate myself.  

BTW, Hope your family issues are resolved atthebeach and everyones doing well.  Also, hope everyone who has posted on here is doing well.  People helping people is a nice thing

[ddhear]

Jon, you definitely need to find either an AA or NA  meeting near you to attend.  Get a sponsor....it's free!  Ther eis SO much support from them!  Please do this!!! It WILL help!

[jonster]

thanks.  I think thats a good idea.  I'm on day 10 again and feeling fine physically.  Mentally, I always hit this wall around these days and end of screwing up.  

[atthebeach]

hey jon it is good to hear from you.  congrats on trying to quit again. you can do this jon. please stick close to the forum and ask for support and encouragement.
are you living with your parents still?
what are you doing to fill your days? work? school? have you been to any counseling? church? spoke with a pastor? exercising?
it is important for you to do things differently than you have been to give yourself the best chance of staying clean.
change your routine. cut off all your access to pills. please get yourself some support. get to some meetings. here are the links for AA and NA.

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=28

http://www.na.org/?ID=home-content-fm

jon you have been struggling for quite some time. we want to see you win the battle. it is a daily choice, one day at a time is all we have.
when the cravings come you need to have the armor to resist the temptations that come your way. these you will learn in the support groups.
please talk to us when you are feel the cravings.

jon you can be free from the chains and bondage of addiction.
sending prayers,
Debbie

[jonster]

Hey Debbie,

I am still at home.  No work or school for me.  I made a good chunk of money last month from poker, but since withdrawal I've had no real desire to play.  I've been spending my days trying to get out and go to my sister's and play with her kids or hanging out with friends who have off.  The day's when I am alone at home are brutal.  I am really hungry and horny, but have zero motivation to do anything.  Just have been passing the time with tv or video games.  I have to force myself to even do those things.  Basically, I say in my head do you want to watch a movie(no), do you want to play poker(no), listen to music(no), go out somewhere(no).  It just ***** feeling no excitement for anything really.  I feel really bad that you've put in so much effort into your answer trying to help me and it makes me feel good, but my lack of motivation prevents me from any type of changes.  I try and do positive things everyday, went to the gym yesterday, have been writing down affirmations everyday about not needing drugs and positive things in my life.  I'm not really sure when this malaise is going to go away, I just feel like my brain is shot and my head just feels weird and hurts most of the time.  Anyway, thank you for your good intentions I will try and be more active and hopefully one day I can take your advice and attend a meeting.  

-Jon

[JDB1964]

i agree with all who post of the positive import of AA or Na. helps me so much. forgive me for being presumptive but from your first post it seems obvious to me that employment is an obvious antidote to some of your issues. get busy! sounds like you have the luxury of choosing work that will fulfill you. good luck! you can do this!

[17mthssober275]

Try again to be and stay clean. Stay away from others who use, and always keep busy. My mom and dad were extremely worried about my using. I went to a 9-10 month recovery program and learned so much, that I needed to learn. I used to be messy and now my house is immaculate. Using makes us lazy and not functional and uncaring. Recovery taught me how to be a normal person. I keep busy all the time, now I think normal and care about and help others. I have a loving committed relationship now. I go places and have fun and have clean friends. I am so happy now, go to AA/NA meetings regularly and have friends there also and a great sponsor who understands and listens and helps me. I really wanted to get clean, I was tired of the way I was and knew I could do so much better. I knew I was lazy and didn't get nothing done. I was tired of myself. I now am proud of being clean and proud of all my everyday accomplishments. My mom and dad are really proud of me too, and it feels so good to have thier respect back. You can do this too, but you have to work for it. Its worth it, but you have to want to change.

[DavidHughes]

sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with everyone above , u should go to some rehab treatment programs . Best of luck.