Relapsing while 17 wks Preg

Hello all, I am 20 years old and have been in rehab several times, clean for 2 years, relapsed, clean for 6mo, relapsed got clean again and here I am.. Using yet again. I am currently clean from Meth, Alcohol and pills EXCEPT for lortab 7.5's and Weed.. & cigarettes which are by far the most addicting thing ever.. My dilema is, after my miscarriage last January (first pregnancy) I really took to pain killers, percocepts, lortabs.. Anything the doc would prescribe, to ease the mental pain of my sudden loss.. It seemed normal as that is how I have dealt with most issues since I was 12. My first pregnancy, I immediately dropped everything, cigarettes, weed etc. This time around, haven't completely quit. I am taking between 1/2 to 1 lortab a day, half a pack of cigarettes and weed m-f when I can get away with it. (bf is at work). I have no self control. I keep making excuses for myself, but at this point I just need my *** kicked. My usage is by far the lowest it has ever been.. But I am still using. I will see my baby for the second time on Ultrasound this Wednesday to find out the gender. I am becoming depressed because in my heart, my child is the most important thing to me, in my addiction and my head, not so much. I need someone who understands addiction and early motherhood to speak with.. To get me in line. I can't do this on my own but literally have no one to discuss it with. My boyfriend will leave me if he finds out how much and what I am using, my family thinks I have been clean for over a year and I am too afraid to tell any of my friends. I don't want anyone to know I am a ****** mother to be. I have daily urges to do more than weed and lortabs, and if I can't use, I destroy the people and things around me. Please, I can't keep this going....

[Mightymouse5809]

Sounds like u r in a very hard postion!! First off i think the best thing to do would b to tell ur boyfriend im sure if he really loves u he will stand by ur side and help!!! I have a friend who used while pregant and when the baby was born his lungs were filled w fluid and all he did was cry because he was going thru wd. While i was preggers the only thing i did was smoke cigs and let me tell u when i seen my daughter for the first time i really was hard on myseld for doing that cuz she went thru nicotine withdraws and all i thought was it was all my fault!!!! I really hope everything works out for u and u get some help!!! Good luck hun!!

[cruz214]

I agree, u should let ur boyfriend know whats going on because he will really help. Even if he gets mad he will appreciate u beibg honest with him. Right now im 24 weeks pregnant and I just stopped using. I have been doing heroin and smoking for basically more then half my pregnancy but the thing that really help me stopped was the thought of my son being tooken away from me by CPS and seeing videos of what the efffects can be for my baby. I know its really hard to stop but its better to stop now then in the long run. I hope the best for u! Take care:) U can talk to me if u ever need to talk with anyone.

[johnbutler445]

I am very sorry to hear of your struggles at such a young age. I too have struggled since VERY early on, got totally smashed at 5 yo. I obviously never had the contend with a pregnancy thank goodness. One thing that I am sure you have thought of, but maybe just REALLY try to put into the very front of your mind is this. Really try to imagine this beautiful little human being that you are making, in your arms looking up at you mommy. And just really really try to remember that anything you do now may have a lifelong impact on him/her. Like I said I am sure you have thought along those lines but sometimes people like us need to just make it real simple and just try really hard to concentrate on that. MOST importantly though, you HAVE to believe in a higher power. For me its God. Like I said: be struggled my whole life. Its the times that I've really trusted and had faith in HIM that I've ALWAYS done the best. Its when I take over that everything gets all screwed up! A DAILY relationship w your higher power is what it takes. This little person is going to NEED you for the rest of your life. Most importantly though, YOU need YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You obviously are a good person or this wouldn't bother you the way it is. A life of addiction or fighting it IS NOT a good one I can assure you. You so some hard work NOW and you and your loved ones will reap HUGE rewards. If you don't ..... well you and your loved ones will lose MUCH. I know you can do it girl! I'll say a prayer for you.

[johnbutler445]

Cruz, I am also praying for you. Its tough enough being an addict/alcoholic as it is. I can't even imagine struggling with that when you have TOTAL control of the what the quality of someones entire life may rest completely on what you do today. Heavy. I have the utmost respect for you. I am a recoverying oxycontin addict/alcoholic and everything else for that matter. My oxy habit was pretty darn tough though. I got up to like almost 500mg a day which is very similar to heroin. I've relapsed twice but with the Lords help, third time WILL be a charm. So I do know that side of it. And its freaking TOUGH!  Like I said, you have all my respect. You're doing the right thing for your baby, yourself and now you are reaching out to help someone else. Service to.others is a VERY important part of recovery.its pretty darn good practice for this lifelong job you've taken on.as.well
You are also in.my prayers. Good luck to you and your baby. I KNOW you are going to do.it as well

.

[Ducky4kyle]

I know how ur.feeling im a recovering meth addict... Im.17 weeks and have slipped 4 times since being preg... I dunno what to do :-/