Im checking myself in today i hope. Im so tired of detoxing on my own. Not getting the full help i need. Falling back into old patterns. Too much pain etc. Too.sick.again over demerol. Too shakey freezey etc. I know im gonna hurt from my last knee surgery but after talking to my brother about opoids and what strength timeline etc and how i dont know how much i really hurt or how much the meds are talking im checking in to addict camp. He knows me as well as i know me. And he never ever judges me. He knows my medical history my mental issues and so.forth. And i addmitted to him what i was doing with my oxy. And when he repeated what i said. I said i sounded like a crazy out of control.person. He also told me how many people we know admire my courage and leadership.skills. What leadership skills i told him. Lol. But really i do lead. I was always number one live by a motto failure is not an option nobody remembers who won the silver only the gold. ive won lots of awards at work. Last year i went on all.expense company vacation for being number 6 out of 250 reps. I also.won national sales awards then moved to management. Everyone always roots for me and im so unaware. Wow what a compliment. I didnt know. He told me this is a drug that is dangerous that changed my brain body etc. Duh brother i know that. He told me he didnt think i was a failure or looser for checking in. He would say i failed if i didnt go. He also.pointed out all the positives and negatives. We came.up.with a few negatives. But two. And they were small. With over the top humor about how i will thow a tantrum and scream i want my drugs. Dont you know who i am? Im hurting your killing me etc. And someone other than myself in control of me will be a sight to see. He said he can see me jumping straight on the counter after knee replacement and scopes and demanding them. Only to be handed a motrin. We rolled laufhing. He said he wants the security video of that day. He says for me day 4 and 5. And hes right. He also said i inspire him. Hes watched his big sister do so many things good with her body. Reminded me of my diving.career that took me to.college. My skiing days. And what he calls a golden voice. I can sell.ice to.an ice maker. He also.said how much he missed me. Me. The girl and women i was before the husbands wreck the fall the surgeries. Aaww. I didnt know that. I didnt know how much he looked up.to silly me with my silly humor. But what he said most valuable is so true. He told me i had two.choices. Just two. Both include the word surrender. Witch i dont comprehend. Surrender to a life on drugs or off. The choice is mine. And we he said that. I had an epephany. It hit me dead on. I was like omg. Omg. Your right. Gotta love my brother. Only he has the power to argue with me. He is my guy. Whenever i really need real talk i talk to him. Im glad he used surrender. Then he laughed an evil.laugh and said i will.challange that word for a long time. I love each and everyone of you. A special love for vikkie imdone texaslady ricart and dear bkitty lulu sharon sandra gnarly ameliasdad.and all.of you that touched my life beared with me and wamt to help me. I know you all want everyone well healthy and happy. I will miss all.of you. But i will be back a better fixed bama. I need a time out. I need to.get down to the real me. I see glimpses of me but know that if i hang out with my hubby his gonna bring me down. I will.go.to work half way healed walk that big floor sit all.day. Drag that leg around come home exshuasted stress and hurting and give in. Im not as strong as some of you. This bodys been banged up beat up and needs a overhaul. I used to work out the pain. Walk it off. Now i pop a pill. I want to be retaught to walk it off. But remember i used to do that. Eight long years is too long to be on drugs and come off alone. Its too much. My husband is so mad. He keeps.telling me i can do this. He needs me. Blah blah blah. I told him i cant help you with this. You cant help me with this. I know hes scared i will get better amd leave. He said i was wrong. Or he wants to control me. Because guys before bama took pills bama ruled the roost. I made the choice to take the drugs. And yes theres a time a place for them. I know my future has more surgeries. But i want every tool i can have. Yes im over 40 days clean of oxy. Didnt abuse the demerol. But i will relapse monday if i stay home and go to work. I will walk into that doc office monday and say how good im doing blah blah blah and walk out with my doc. I know this. I know it like i know my favorite movie. I am a sales person. Im.trained to tell you things in a way that makes you buy into to me and my product. Its not what you say but how you say it. So i will be online until two or three my sons gonna come home and drive me. A three hour cruise. I was gonna drive myself but then my brother told me i will hurt from the physical.therapy and leave. Oo he knows me. Or when they are not giving in to me ill leave. Ooo i hate it when hes right. Or when im.done being sick after this week i will leave. Ooooo he knows me. So i will.surrender my car to my son. If hubby drives me we will.fight and argue and i dont need that. I need a positive figure. A supporter. Not a killjoy. So im taking big deep breathes and putting on my big girl panties and leaving. Love ya all.
Hey vikki. I have the pamplet and directions on what to pack. Yes im aware they will search my stuff. I dont know if i should pack my lidoderm patches and compounded creams. Or should i bring all meds. Ya know anti depressants blood pressure meds and so forth. Or can they access my pharmacy chart.? And if they take away my patch and creams will they give them back? This is all non narc meds. Im a little confused because i dont want them to.threw away my patches and creams. They cost alot of money and i only have a little cream left and a box of patches. Or will they give them to my son to take home? I understand the therory. But those patches are topical. Like oral gel for knees. Thanks for being my friend. I will miss you.
Man I read your story n I see myself Ive been on drugs for 9yrs I was doing every kind of pains pills I could get my hands on n heroin when there was nothing else around then for the last 4yrs I've been on suboxone n subutex and please from 1 addict to another please don't get on them I realize now I was just delaying the inevitable as it turned into the results as all the other drugs. Me chasing that high selling them buying them n being sick bc im out and for the last seven months I started shooting them something I said I'd never do I always has that as something I could say I've never I was scared of needles well 1min hated the. Next min my best friend.... I to have been to detox 3x's been in rehab did it at home well I finally have surrendered Im tired of fighting a fight I can't when I startd with a car accident Broken back n a shattered pelvis n a cracked n shifted spinal cord.... I've got 19 days clean still kinda feel like **** but Im handing my life over to a higher power Im currently actively going to na meetings n aa if I can't get to na I got a sponsor n I'm working the steps I don see myself as a weak person I'm sick but getting better I'm realizing that drugs are a chemical solution to a spiritual problem n I'm filling my void with. Meetings prayer medatation steps n good ppl the help is their if your willing to do whatever it takes to get clean I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of to get drugs but im finding a new a way of life n doing a lot of things that i am proud of to get clean n serene n no that I never have to be sick again! But no one can make this choice but you! Good luck it's gonna be rough shame rattle n role but even 19 days clean I now can see already that it's worth it every painful day bc everyday something keeps getting better!
Thanks derrick. Im sorry your on the titanic too. Want to come along? Im sure they have room for you too. Im so far off the oxy and now into demerol.detox. And no no no to their subs. I will not. I repeat not sub a drug for a sub. Not even four days. Nope nadda noway. I am.proud of your 19 days. Im less than three weeks out of knee scope. But thats a small surgery compared to my knee replacement. And to.find a detox facility that has physical therapy is hard to find i think. This place only takes cronic pain patients. Thats it. Its a 21 day stay. Then aftercare when i come home. They will help my kids with me all.of us. I had a meltdown last week and feel like im freefalling towards a huge relapse. So i will go while i am feeling confidient in myself. If i stay and delay ill go.to.doc on monday and get something i dont need and i dont really want anymore of. I am praying for you derrick. Ive got room for you. Come on.
And i am not.scared. Im calm.cool and ready. I am glad im.going. Im glad i can get as sick as i need to get and nobody will bother me. Ya know co.workers were around last time. Kids were asking whats there to eat mom. And i was like come on im.dying over here. Eat a sandwich and chips. And my husband addiction drives me insane. I heard him in the safe this morning all those pills rattled me away. I can hear a pill bottle being opened on the space station. Lol. Just the shaking of the bottles makes me jones. I know how each pill.sounds. Ugh listen to myself. I can identify pills by sound. My god help me. Ive turned batty. Really bats go.on sound not sight. See how crazy i am
My dearest Bama!!!! I am going to miss you soooooo. You were one of the first people that reached out to me 7 days ago when I wanted to die on day 3 Detox, but yet I feel like I have known you forever!!! I am very proud of you making this step. It is one thing to detox, but if you have other emotional issues to work out first, you will never be sober until you do. Please, please let me know when you return and how you are doing. You only worry about yourself at this time and healing. I think this is going to be an tough yet amazing experience for you and if anyone can do it is you my southern friend. You are the greatest and I wish you nothing but health, happiness, and SOBRIETY!
Hi bama so glad you get to take a break and at the same time get cleaned up. You will do great. and I would take all of your meds with you.They will probably put them in the nurses office and dispense on a schedule.../. best wishes!!
Thanks texas. I love you too. Im putting myself in time out. I have too. I dont know how to make me number one. I need to learn that. I know i need to. My other half.isnt a happy.camper. Used every tactic he had. He only packs heat. Im a tank. Hes throwing rocks. This is
Thanks ricart. Im at war with drugs. Im gonna win. I can feel it. I will beat this beast. I will become a dragon slayer. Lol. Im done chasing the dragon. Im going to kill.him cold. And work will pay me my paycheck and pay for treatment. I was like hmmmm i can go back.to work still.in pain. With a doc.appointment for my drugs. Or this... Addict camp. And if i see mtv or anyone steal my title for a reality show im gonna get royalties. I said it first on medhelp. Maybe i need to trademark my saying.
Thanks ricart. You were one of the first ones to make me see my disease. Because of you and vikki i was able imerge from the bottomless pit. But im not to shore yet. I know this is the best idea ive had in a long.long time. I promised myself when i did the knee in summer if i didnt put the drugs down id go.to.rehab in jan. I remember that. I wrote it in my journal. I reread my journal from the start of 2010. And i have been thru it man. Thru it. Im glad i. Journal. I put goals.on paper. Because until.you put a dream down on paper.its just a dream. When you write it it gives the dream validation and changes it into.a.goal. Another sales tip. You know sales is a lot.of.pschology. Yet i still need help.
So proud of you!! You have to do what is right and going to work for you. A life sobor is a life worth living. Although we feel all emotions good and bad again WE FEEL. That is what's most important. Please keep in touch let me know how it went. All the luck in the world to you. Stay strong!!
Omg.texas how did you know i went to band camp? Im gigling now. Oh i wish you.could.come with me. But they would kick.us out. Wed be to much fun. They would tell.texas and bama what do you think this is camp? And wed answer yeah. Addict camp. Just imagine the look on their faces. Then they tell us well we will.see how much fun youll have after three days of being sick. And then we would laugh because were already past that. Then they would really think were something. Theyd say hey. Everyone gets sick. What gives. And wed say nothing. Oh my i see myself in trouble before i get there. They dont know who their getting. By the time im.done with them they will need my drugs to.deal with me.
Thanks for the invite i did go to rehab in August of 2010 I relapsed about 6 months out n it was a great place tought me many tools to use but i didn't ever use them this time around 1yr n 3 months later I'm finally opening my tool box n putting them to use. It's taken a lot even now on my 19th day I get a little withdraw everyday nowhere near as intense but still noticeable we didn't become an addicts in one day so easy does it but do it! May I wish you the best we all have different stories of how we got to n/a but the same ending Im now living by the term Let Go and Let God!
Hey Listen: I don't call it addiction anymore. I call it " A Prescription Medication Situation"!!
Yes! You can bring all of the creams and patches. They'll either use them there or send them back with you. They won't toss them. Bring the other meds as well (b/p,AD's) it just helps their record keeping and makes you look like the extremely helpful and compliant "resident" that you are going to be!
Otherwise,pack yourself up, bring comfy clothes and LIPSTICK!!
I'll miss you as well but you know where to find me! xo
Thanks vikki. If i didnt find this forum and you id still be chasing the dragon. Or riding the oxy train. Toot toot. Then the demerol detox. Ugh. Back in aithdrawls but not near as intense this time. I was really really careful with using but it still is a detox. Does it make sense to go this far out of the oxy? I say yes even though im not as sick. I just know if i stick around i will fall.down on next monday. I cancelled and they were like call us when you need us. I dont need that kind of help. No more for me. Im going because i want to. I want to figure out my pain levels. I need a training class on when meds are ok and when they are not. I need better pain management coping skills i dont have. Stress skills. And physical therapy. I need a safe enviroment to figure this out. When i come back ill have all the clean time from the oxy plus more days with a lot of help im not getting due to various factors in my equation. I still feel lost confused and pain everyday along with rhe sweats and shakes and freezing spells. At this point im exhausted from all the surgeries fights with huaband and have no where else to turn. I live in alabama but grew up in michigan. I have no family of my own here. Just his. And none i mean none of them want me to go. They keep.telling me work will fire me. This will be on my record. Blah blah blah. They never liked me. Ever. And everyone knows bamasguy is going to have to make choices too. What i think is if i stay sick i will tolerate all of this crazy. I make very good money and they are afraid that once im cleaned up i wont put up with hubbys nonsense. And they will have too. And he doesnt want his party to end. But the party has ended a long long time ago. Now im in a nightmare. They want me sick. They know im better then them. Im educated all.though my spelling doesnt always reflect it lol. I have a great paying job. A Career. Not just a job. And very smart and pretty. I looked in the mirror and dont recognize myself yikes. I still look.good. But i know when im cleaned up ill look even better. My husband looks so old so abused he cant see the damage thru the fog. I looked at what eight years of drugs has done and its not pretty. And i dont like what i see. So i am going into this like a fresh canvas and let god paint the picture he sees in me:)
Read what you just wrote to me...over and over and over!!
No, you don't need to detox but you need to learn all the skills and the tricks and everything else that will become second nature to you once again...it's a lifelong deal now and your insight into YOUR particular set of circumstances will serve you well while at "camp" and beyond.
Believe me, I have to dig into the old bag of tricks OFTEN. I have a lot of support BUT I'm the one in my own head every day and some days it's just not very pretty in there!! I want it beautiful all the time and life just isn't that way and THAT has always been MY undoing! And so it goes...some need to deal with pain and others their own imperfections...it all hurts.
I've learned to my recovery before anybody not to do it for anyone not family not spouses not kids not friends if u start putting stuff I've learned I lose track n focus n then I'm back out their my gf of 6.5yrs n we have a kid together he's 4 we live together my stent in detox I told her before I left either she started goin to Alanon or NARNON meetings or we'll never make it she will never let go n she did she's in her own recovery now we r getting along great I'm helping her she's helping me she's easier to talk to she doesn't judge anymore bc she's only been addicted to cigs n she's one of those that can can get a script of pain pills m their will be some over well if I didn't steal them she has so so many. Resentments n reservations n her program is helping so much. I can tell her things of my past I'd never think twice about telling her before but while in detox I made the difficult decision to shut her outta my life if she didnt get help she was only feedin my addiction not blaming it on her she never realized till now how much she was enabling n we both nvr knew it.... N I don't care how long you've been with someone or how many kids or if your married or not it's just as hard to leave the one you love regardless if you've been together 1yr or 30yrs but thats a decision I was prepared to make n I got lucky when I got. Back n she told me she started her own program I held her for a half hour n thanked her n we balled our eyes out together
N I was also lucky bc she doesn't use she hates drugs she's seen what it's done to me bc if she was using I don't know where I'd be!! But I thank god everyday I'm breathing. He's presented me with yet another opportunity. bc in the N/A basic text. It says very clearly that some of us have to to die so others can get the MSG I'm glad I'm getting the MSG n not giving it! Well best of luck n maybe when you get back you can tell your inlaws about the Alanon n NARNON programs and I hate to say it but I sounds like your husband needs help too n I know I wouldn't have the strength to go. Ack to that n remain clean but that's definitely something that you need to decide you n only you have faith that you will make the best choice n god will give you strength n guide you in the right right direction N/A surrenity prayer helps me through tough times "God grant me the surenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." good luck theirs only good that can come from your great decision! If you get out n you wanna chat look me up on Facebook or email me ***@**** may god bring you peace
They want me sick so i will keep up paying for his life. His sister sells him lots of tabs then screams hes a worthless piece of junk. His mom takes any type of pills she can.get. Any. Motrin. Soma tabs anything. Im not stuck.up. But i am done being sick. I remember hubby before his wreck and love affair with opiates. He knocked my socks off. He was so different. His family beats us both down. Please pray for him. He needs prayer. I bet if he tried to.go to rehab. And they are willing to take us both. His family would try to stop him. Like they are trying to stop me. What am i gonna do with my hisband? They said he still.can come. We wont see eachother for 14 days. We need to be seperated. Ive got places to put my daughter. Should i give an ultimatiom?
Who keeps hijacking my thread? Sould i ask my husband one more time to come? And if doesnt im done? Maybe i need to scare him straight. Give me some last minute advise vikki cause im already wanting him.out if he cant fix himself.
I'm not vikkI but I know that in my personal experience straight put of rehab I woe definilty relapse I wouldn't completely end it but simply put unil you are ready to get help its not healthy for MY RECOVERY!!!!! I did that withy gf n she's not even an addict my most important thing in life is my recovery it's making a better man a better dad a better husband n without I'm back to no good but I said before this is gotta be your decision and it sounds like your ready taking the right steps I will say a prayer for you n if you hand it over to god he will give the strength n guidance to make right decisions remember its your recovery it's all you got without it you have nothing I will be saying a prayer and when you get out I better see you on here
The butterflies means ur nervous excited I know that drugs had become my love affair it's like every time I used I was cheating on her but it's time to say goodbye to r mistresses n begin a new life I'm glad I got to talk to u I was feeling kinda sick but talking with another addict is therapeutic n it makes me feel better remember easy does it but do it!
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