I'm finding it so difficult to not use when the thought crosses my mind. The impulsiveness is scary. Even though I know the outcome is always bad...I just don't seem to care. Sometimes I think it's a unconscious suicidal ideation. Anyone else care to share some personal thoughts and experiences? Thanks
I just recently wrote out eight pages of what sort of goes on in my mind from the very first moment the craving kicked in to the aftermath of a replapse. I feel like when they do not go away to eventually just don't care and end up using becuase the cravings are so bad it is like i would rather be dead then experience a craving that consumes my entire brain. It is insane how an addict brain works, but the best adive I can give is always play the tape out. My last craving lead to a month long binge, I sat back and realized how much money I am out and needed, my overall health is going down the drain, sitting there with a needle in my hand still never finding what I am looking for to fix the urge. Be stronger than the addiction.
– this is a body/mind/spirit disease. In fact, in the majority of cases, the clinician will come to the determination that this is little about drugs and more about the need for the us Addicts to anesthetize themselves from life in general. All the research in the world trying to find genetic determinants for alcoholism and, for that matter, drug addiction, have never determined a genetic cause per se, and never will. There is no gene in the human being that determines we are “doomed” to drink/drug our lives into oblivion. Unique genetics, life stressors, family and social stressors, improper nutritional intake and other factors affect biochemistry/neurochemistry. Depression and anxiety are the two most common symptoms early in recovery, and may exist before the first drink. Yet, it defies logic that as a profession we can treat most cases of alcoholism/drug addiction with Prozac or a multi-drug regime, and expect to find resolution of the diseases of dependency. However, an idea put forth by Terry Neher, DDS, CCDCIII, in an article entitled “Neuronutrient Therapy: A Study in Stabilizing the Stress of Recovery” (1993, p. 31), states our position clearly: “If we demand behavioral change from our patients without allowing them to bring their brain chemistry into more positive balance, we simply set them up for failure.”
That is from an article I found on the web about addiction/methadone treatment and It really put things into perspective for me...as an Addict. I always wondered "Why" did I use when I knew the outcome was going to be miserable not just on me but my family and friends as well?? WHY because I just assumed being an addict was genetic or because I have no control over it or all the other reasons we come up with. Even though we hurt our bank accounts or deplete them for our addiction or steal our childs piggy bank money without a care or remorse UNTIL we're clean as I have been for 6 months and then it ALL HITS us...but now as apposed to using to loose the feeling of remorse I just had to learn to forgive myself deal with those feelings allow the pain to come on in instead of maskin it with drugs..and in the GRAND SCHEME of it all ...what Ive done isn't that bad. I never harmed anyone? No! Never physically hurt anyone? NO! So instead of allowing myself to hide behind the drug to forget the past even the present I just go on with life knowing Im still here for some reason haven't figured it all out but are we even supposed to figure everything out in our life?? I don't think so not anymore.....
Keep up the writing because it is so therapeutic. I totally hear ya about succombing to the cravings. I am trying to get back on track after relapsing. I was clean for a year and had no intentions of using. It just kinda happened about a month ago..and now I've been on auto pilot ever since. Living moment to moment impulsively. I spent 6 weeks in rehab and missed last Christmas with my family. I sat through lectures, had group and one on one therapy, met other addicts who I could relate to. So what the hell?!? I should be cured right? The fact that my addiction will be a lifelong struggle has really got me down lately. I don't drink alcohol, well maybe a few glasses of wine a year, but as an addict I should avoid all mood altering substances. I have such a busy schedule and going to three meetings a week seems like such an effort. I will admit, I have not put my recovery first and thats why I'm living the nightmare of this relapse. I feel so numb. The cocaine has completely altered my mood, perception and capacity to reason. I am particularly disturbed at the gravity of my relapse.
My husband has seen me under the influence alot lately. At first he was supportive. A month later he is fed up. When we met 7 years ago I was 9 years clean. I started using opiates 4 years in to our relationship. Opiates were never my DOC but they certainly caused me alot of trouble. The detox at home was brutal and I have no desire to use them again. As a nurse, I dispense them all the time without feeling triggered to use them. Strange I know.
When I am actively using cocaine I feel powerless. I've had several heartfelt talks with hubby only to use the next day. I feel like someone has highjacked my life. I don't use to intentionally hurt anyone. I guess I just need to dig deep and deal with stuff. Grief, anger, shame, guilt and insecurity are to name a few.
Thanks for sharing and "listening" lol.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience! I agree that using is not about enjoying the experience as much as disconnnecting from emotions that are too painful to acknowledge. The problem is that the chronicity of addiction steals our capacity to feel any kind of emotion. We become numb. Unable to recognize what happiness is. Changes in brain chemistry are the predominant factor in our mood. I have read that seratonin levels can take several months to return to normal, especially with cocaine abuse. I've never taken antidepressants but for the first time I'm considering a SSRI (seratonin reuptake inhibitor). It's ironic how most addicts know the road to wellness but make every excuse to postpone the journey lol. Today I'm getting back on the road after a brief yet intense relapse :o)
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