relapsed onto soft drugs/part of withdrawal? suicidal

[agreeneyedcat]

legs hurt so bad for two weeks I was out of my mind and relapsed back onto alcohol and dank. Feel like life is spinning out of control with no where to turn. I can't deal with this pain, physical and psychological. I am taxed, burning with fever and losing my mind from no sleep, day 17 of w/d from methadone, hydroco, and in chronic pain burning down my leg and into my foot. It fires every two seconds or so, and i can no longer mind over matter. Lost in this.....

[rnangel]

Hey girl! Sorry about the delay in responding.. My heart was so happy when I read your posts. You will rock this thing...one day at a time. You will find a sense of peace that is unique to NA meetings. I totally support meetings and having a sponsor. I`m still looking for a sponsor as I need someone who has the guts to call me on my crap LOL. Your sponsor sounds like she has an awesome sense of humour. You definitly have the tools to make it 22+ more years without any drugs or alcohol. Well my dear, take care of your tender heart. I hope you're having a fantastic weekend...

[agreeneyedcat]

Hi again. today is a better day. I am 22 days no methadone, the longest for the first time. I am honest with myself about the recovery time now, I can see at least another month to get condititoned again, walking and doing yard work. I think about catching a meeting because people say that here. I like that. I always feel safe when I am sober, and I will do anything to be, sooo. I will chat at you later....
peace

[agreeneyedcat]

Yeah, I thought of a sponser call after four days of drinking and had finally gotten 6 hours of sleep in a row. I felt new.... and in a moment of clarity I told on myself. I haven't drank again, because my sponser said that if i  had a good enough reason to drink she would be right over and go with me....:) thanks for your response. This forum was the only thing i had in the dark of night with my legs freakin on me. I took 80mgs of methadone and 30mg of hydrocodone every day for three plus years. I had noooo idea this would happen. you perked me up talking about recovery instead of the relapse. I do see it as a blip in the scheme of things... what ever works. I am ok today and my legs are getting better. Not an all night thing, just  a few hours a day now...grin and bear it :)

[rnangel]

Congrats on your to live methadone-free! The fact that you consider alcohol a relapse tells me that you are knowledgeable of addiction and are taking your recovery seriously. I have experienced the pain of opiate withdrawl. I was using huge doses of dilaudid and other opiates. The physical pain of withdrawl does not last forever. It sounds as though you are struggling emotionally as well. Somedays it feels like life has chewed me up and spit me out. How I'm feeling emotionally hugely impacts my physical body. Don't be too hard on yourself. It will be helpful to get to a meeting and find a sponsor. These are two things I did not do once coming home from rehab almost a year ago and I relapsed :o/
Tonight I'm off to my first meeting in a loooong time. I can sure use the mutual support and need to lighten my heavy heart. You can do this! Please be easy on yourself and forgive your imperfections. I think you are doing great! Kudos for reaching out and being honest...expecially with yourself :o)
Sending well wishes your way!

C