8 months pregnant with addict husband's child.. can me leaving be justified?
Thank God for forums like this, and thank you for your insight. I am 23, have been married to my 29 year old husband for 1 year, and am 8 months pregnant with his child. He also has an 8 year old boy from a previous marriage, and I have a 2 year old daughter. When I met/married him, I had absolutely no idea that he was an addict or struggled with addiction. However, after the past year, in hindsight all of the signs are all so very clear. My husband has truly shattered any trust or security that I had with him. My daughter was only 9 months old when I made the decision to relocate 8 hours away from my family and move in with him and his boy. We married just shortly after that. I took a huge leap of faith by entrusting him with not only mine, but my daughter's lives and I do admit that I should not have acted so hastily, but we were (are?) deeply in love. I followed my heart, and I trusted him. As time went on, I uncovered lie after lie about what he was up to, things he was hiding, where money and my belongings were disappearing to, etc. I am an analytical person by nature and the fact that it even took me as long as it did to uncover what was really going on is surprising. Anyway... his addiction has altered my perception of him so much so that I question whether I've ever truly known/loved HIM, or if his addicted/manipulative self just painted a perfectly untrue picture for me to fall in love with. When I found old messages between him and friends and females from before we met (yes I know that's incredibly snoopy but after so many lies and feeling like I didn't know the man at all, I had to dig for the truth), I was shocked at the way in which he conducted himself. The expression of his love for drugs, his unadulterated admittance about his use and the sexist remarks toward/against women, how he'd neglect his boy to go out and use....... I was utterly shocked. This coming from a man who, as far as I knew, was a devout Christian, one who honored and respected women, who was strictly monogamous and loved children and so on. I'm sorry to digress, just trying to paint a very generalized picture here.. Anyway, I truly cherish and honor the sanctity of our marriage. I absolutely love him, he absolutely loves me. I'm convinced that he is a wonderful man inside but I question whether or not he married me because he was subconsciously hoping that I could be the person or thing to save him from himself. He is very co-dependent and self-destructive. His late father was an addict and alcoholic, and his mother was an enabler. My late father was also an addict and alcoholic, and my mother used to be an alcoholic as well. We both have seen the horrible tole that addiction can take and have always bonded over our similar experiences. I try to factor this into understanding his struggle, but find it extremely difficult when I grew up with the same thing and yet do not have addictive traits myself. I am going to have this baby soon and I have recently left our house with my daughter and am now staying at my mother's. He has been unable to drive due to his license being revoked and relied on me for literally everything - driving him to pick up prescriptions, taking him to work detail to work off his court fees. He's been unemployed for the majority of our marriage. The only income we have keeping us afloat is his son's Social Security, for which I am the payee, and my mom's generosity. Our mortgage hasn't been paid in months, we are passed due on all of our bills, my gold has been stolen, he's taken hundreds of dollars of cash back from my debit card, as he has no income or debit card of his own. When he did get a job, he got multiple payday loans which were never paid off, he sold his truck and got $15,000 which I NEVER saw a single dime of. Before I was the payee or had any involvement with the finances I cannot tell you how many times our heat, electricity, water, and power had been turned off because he used the money elsewhere. He even had a bout with CPS shortly after I had moved in because he had allowed his son to miss so much school. SO MANY RED FLAGS!!! NOW I am about to bring another child into the world and I CANNOT do it under such questionable circumstances. I had been feeling the urge to fight or flight for so long, and after attending drug counseling with him and uncovering the fact that he was continuing to lie and manipulate me, I feel as though it's too late in the game to give him any more chances. I still want our marriage to work but the uncertainty and his inability to provide as a husband and father has left me no choice but to take my daughter and my unborn child and high tail it out of there. And believe you me, if his son were biologically mine or I had legal guardianship, he'd be right here with me. I am completely torn. He guilt trips me for "abandoning" him and his son, when it's really out of my power. He loves me and calls me mom, and I love him and call him son. My daughter call's my husband Dada and is always asking where her brother is... I feel like I'm being forced to choose the lesser of two evils - either stay there in that home and risk losing EVERYTHING and jeopardizing the children's well-being, or leave my husband and his boy to protect my daughter and unborn child. Am I a horrible person? What is someone in my position SUPPOSED to do?? I can't say that risking the children is the wise thing to do and absolutely refuse to raise a newborn in a home where I have absolutely no trust, safety or security. I really thought I'd be able to write a quick response but I guess my story kind of took over.. I've been at my mom's for about a week and we are going back to my old home with a moving truck to get the rest of my things in two days... I've given him an ultimatum of get clean or no me.. he knows where I stand, but doesn't know how serious I am this time... doesn't even know that I'll be arriving at his house with a moving truck in 2 days. I've left before, but caved under fear and guilt. I am now too pregnant to waste time. I've got to act. Please someone tell me, am I a horrible person or is there any justifiable logic to what I am doing??
Welcome to Medhelp Charmer. I'm sorry that all this has happened to your family. I'm sure that you wanted more than anything to heal from the loss of your first relationship, and give your daughter an honorable step father, and if his own son is any indication of whether that can happen, it sounds like you may be waiting for a long time if you hitch your wagon to this one.
Addicts are not honorable people, they cheat, steal and lie, you're right about that, but this man, in my opinion has taken addiction to a new low. First of all, he's significantly older than you and I feel he's taken advantage of your natural naivete. The fact that you have a young child, and are alone, and he's posturing as some upright Christian, while using drugs behind your back, is really low. Not only that, he get's a young lady, six years his junior pregnant, and he can't work to provide for the son he's already got? This guy is bad news, all the way around and I don't say that lightly, as I'm an addict myself. If he wanted your help, he would have admitted he had a problem, I'd be more inclined to believe that he wanted a government check, or an enabler, judging by his action thus far.
The huge red flag in your post, is about that little boy that you had to leave behind. Is the child's mother around? Does your X (try it on for size?) have full or joint custody with his son's mother? I would think that the mother is worse off than him, if he is around the child for extended periods. The problem is, that this boy shouldn't be in his care. He's irresponsible, cannot pay his own bills, spends all his money on drugs, and who knows who' he'll be bringing around and what they'll be doing with you out of the picture? It sounds like CPS should know that he's got a drug problem, for the sake of the child. Is there anyone else available to look after this boy, should it be required?
You've done the right thing taking your daughter out of this situation. It's unfortunate that you got pregnant with this man, because if he doesn't manage to clean himself up, you'll have no option but to protect your new child from his own father, if you're deciding to be ethical about all of this and not be drawn into enabling further. A child needs a strong male role model and now it's your job to find one for both your daughter and your unborn child. Do you mind me asking if you have your GED, or if you have any college courses done? Have you had career goals before? Your children are going to need you to step up and be the adult in their lives, and your mother (bless her heart) needs you to be thinking as a mother, and figuring out how to best go about providing and raising your own kids, yourself. I'm not saying don't live with your mother, i'm saying take on the brunt of their raising yourself, or you'll always regret it.
First things first, I would tell this man that you had no idea he was an addict, when you entered into a relationship with him, and you owe him no explanations as to what you are doing or going to do. It's too early to even talk to him, at this point. He's almost 30, and he's old enough to ask for support from a Rehab. Suggest to him that would be his first step, if he wants to see his unborn child. Don't mess around. Get yourself to Alanon or NarcAnon, which is a support group for families of addicts. There you will find support from people who are dealing with this in their lives, and you'll get an idea of what you're truly up against.
To give you an idea about what an addict would do IF they are serious about getting their family back. I went to detox, and outpatient rehab, for 30 days. I then attended the after care meetings in rehab for a year. I went to AA and NA meetings, 3 or 4 times a week. I got a full time job, paid for a lawyer, bought a house, found a partner. When my rehab no longer tested my urine, I arranged for blood and urine testing every second day for two full years, until they refused to do it anymore. Then, and only then, did I even get to visit my child. My point is this, don't think that your X is not capable of doing this. If I did, and so many others have, then he can do what it takes to make you feel secure. So start to think about what your expectations are of this master manipulator. And stick to your guns, or he'll have gotten what he bargained for , a young naive girl who he can manipulate. Don't be that girl. Be your own woman, and be the best mother that you can be. Stick with your mom, and if you get lonely, set your sights on dating and this time, really get to know who the man is behind the mask. You said you should have seen the red flags, well, that's called hindsight, experience, and now you know better than to judge a person by face value only. Don't fall for men that haven't got an education or a work history, or assets or property. That's called a "tell". A sign that maybe their doing something with their time that's been "unsavory". You need the advice of some good mentors. So if there's anyone that you feel comfortable with on this site, send them a private message, and make some good friends here, you never need be alone with your thoughts, now that you've found us. You're a good women, for removing your daughter, your unborn child, and yourself from this situation. God bless your journey. I'm praying for you all, including your X.
Welcome, I am new here but it seems like a helpful place. The short answer is NO you are not a horrible person. You are taking care of your children and trying to protect them, that is the most important thing that you can do, and should be your number one priority! It is especially important to try to minimize stress as pregnancy in and of itself is a very stressful time. It sounds like you are on the right track. Lean on your mother for support and good luck with everything. As for leaving your husband that is a choice that only you can make and know all the factors and variables. You seem like a smart, responsible mom, keep your chin up!
I am in a very similar situation. Although I am not married to the father of my child, and i am currently pregnant with both of our first. I moved in with my mother a few months ago, and told him we would not be together unless he got a job and stopped taking pills. He tells me that he has stopped but i dont trust him, and his behavior says otherwise. I understand the guilt you are feeling, because i dont want to deprive my children of a father. However, when it really comes down to it I know I will be able to be a better mother if i am not with him, and i cannot trust him to do the right thing for our children. I also think about the example i want to set for my daughters. I wouldnt want them to allow themselves to be treated that way by someone that they were dating, so i cant be with someone who doesnt treat me right. I hope this helps. You are not the only one going through this. Good luck with everything!
Wow, where do I begin? I'm blown away by all of your responses and am so thankful for your insight. Nighthawk, thank you for giving it to me straight. What can I say, I fully agree. Now, to answer your questions...
My husband's son's mother is deceased. She hung herself in his bathroom last December and my husband found her body. So, he has full custody of the boy and that is why he receives Social Security - for death benefits. I absolutely agree, his son shouldn't be in his care. Yesterday me, my mother, brother and his girlfriend all took a 20 hour round trip journey to my husband's house to pack my things and leave, and of course, he wasn't there. But his son arrived home from school during our packing process and was extremely confused. When I asked where his dad was, all he could tell me was he didn't know. Considering the fact that practically all of my husband's siblings, extended family members and friends are all drug users and alcoholics, I'd say the only viable option left for the boy would be to go and live with his grandmother.
I do have my GED and attended a few semesters at a community college but my plans got interrupted when I got pregnant with my first child. I very much want to be able to sustain myself and my family on my own. I hate the fact that I am in this position because frankly, I feel like a dumb ***. I feel horrible for having to run to my mother's for my bad judgement. And I feel like a stereotypical girl who's gotten pregnant, now twice, by low life "men". I know that I am so above all of this petty stuff, and I'm sure it's just my ego speaking, but I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. My mom's a tough old bird; raised my brother and I on her own and worked her butt off to provide for us. I know that I have her strength in me to be able to do it as well. And my children are all the motivation I need.
I've given him my ultimatum, and he knows how serious it is because I just spent hundreds of dollars on moving my daughter and I out of his house and 8 hours away. But honestly... the more I dwell on things, the more I wonder: How can I love this man? I mean, I absolutely love his heart and his personality. I certainly wouldn't have married the man and put all of my eggs into his basket if I didn't absolutely adore him, trust him and want a family and a life with him. Everything has just all been so distorted and tainted by his lies and hypocrisy.. I'm losing grasp with the man I fell in love with and am now at a point where I'm questioning whether I ever really knew him at all. I do believe that through repentance and grace, God can save anyone. However, I am not grasping onto false hopes any longer, and I accept that my leaving him might just be what it takes for him to become a better man. And if he's a better man for someone else, as long as he is the father that his son deserves, then so be it. At this point, I feel like all I can do is pray.
You advised me not to fall for men who haven't got an education, work history, assets or property. The irony is, he actually has an associates degree in business management and he built and owns his own home. He was a top scholar in school and had a job and moved out of his parent's house to live on his own at a young age. When I met him I was very impressed by those accomplishments. He looks great on paper! It just doesn't make sense.
I had never dated, let alone LOVED and married an addict before. I had no idea what I was up for and feel as though I've been taken for a ride. As you said, I do have experience now. I certainly wouldn't let this kind of thing ever fly again after knowing all of the warning signs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your insight, as well as your candid response. You gave it to me straight and I've got to tell you, I really value that. I just discovered this website a few days ago, and I am amazed at how therapeutic, informative and uplifting it has been for me. You all are wonderful people and I am very grateful to have been blessed with such sincere responses. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your support... these responses came just in the knick of time in giving me the strength to follow through with the big move out my husband's house that I just did. Hearing multiple people support me and validate that I am doing the right thing gives me all of the peace of mind in the world. I can rest assured knowing that I am doing what the good mother would do, and that means everything to me. I really appreciate it
jmurray, I am very sorry to hear about your situation, and of course, totally feel your pain. I absolutely agree with everything you said. And you make a good point - how can we expect to raise children to be capable of having healthy relationships of their own and to love and respect themselves, if we allow someone to treat us to badly? The right thing to do is rarely, if ever, the easy thing to do. I commend you on having the strength and wisdom to see things for what they are. There are so many women in our position, to think that we can't do things on our own is preposterous. Keep that strength. You can and WILL persevere!
I'm so glad that you are so reality based right now for yourself, and your children. It sounds like your mom did a good job raising you, and you do have her strength and spirit within in, and within her, to help you now. I really hope that there are other women in your position that read this. As I said in our messages, you're an inspiration. It is true, that drugs and alcohol problems are relevant in all walks of life, they don't discriminate. You can now get back to your plans for your bright future. I'm sorry you're feeling sad for this man, and his boy. I don't know if you wouldn't be doing the boy and his dad a favor to call CPS yourself and tell them the way things are. In the end, you might be the only adult that cared enough about this little guy for the right reasons, to get him some help. I know it's a terrible position to be in, but remember that these people truly care for these kids. If nothing else, it might be the cherry that get's this man clean and sober. A man, especially a man who is not down on his luck financially, has many buffers to stop them from hitting their bottom. If losing you and the baby isn't enough, maybe the possibility of losing his son will put him on the map. It would serve to separate him from the rest of his family and have him fight to keep his son. After what happened with the child's mother, there's not many excuses that an intelligent educated financially independent man could make to himself for not getting clean for this dear child. It's an option anyway. I would worry very much that this guy will use his position to get visitation with your child and it would better for you if you brought the truth out in the open, before that happens. If it were me, I would make him fight for either of his kids. What do you have to lose right? What good is he going to be to his son, your child, you, or anyone else until his addiction comes out in the light and he has to jump through the same hoops as the rest of us that get and stay clean? Thank you so much for your words. I'm always here for you to talk to. You know that, my friend. Liz
As a pregnant women myself I would just go and never look back you never really knew him and you will loose everything you have if you stay personal experience showed its ugly face to me and sisters one to many times to even try to give you hope get out stay out don't be an enabler anymore
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