Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
Advice please :s?
About This Community:

WELCOME TO THE ADDICTION: LIVING WITH AN ADDICT COMMUNITY. This patient support community is for family members and loved ones of people who are substance abuse addicts. Discussions cover how to help your loved one, enabling, coping with the emotional impact of addiction, intervention, and when to seek medical help. If you are not a family member of a substance abuse addict and instead need help with your addiction, please visit our Addiction: Substance Abuse Community to get the support you need.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Advice please :s?

I''m currently expecting a baby & living at my boyfriends parents whilst trying to find a place to rent in time for the baby, iv'e been with him 3 years and don't get on well with my parents our relationship is saved by not living together.

Anyhow, my boyfriends mum is a herion addict she's used before during & since she had her son & i'm sorry but I think it's disgusting & there is no excusing her habit. I've never experienced this life I didn't have a sheltered upbringing but I was never exposed to seeing drug addicts and what not I was shocked when I found out she was a user as To me I just saw and old looking fragile 50 year old woman.

In the meantime my partner is on ESA for his disabilities, I have always worked but have had a break from working now i'm expecting, we don't have alot to live on & every penny is needed right now for our unborn child and sorting out a house. My boyfriend loves his mum regardless of her awful habit and is emotionally blackmailed by her in my opinion, he defends her if you slightly mention anything, he has always grew up around addicts but he is a loving giving boy despite his experiences. Although he does suffer a few mental illnesses which I believe is probably because of her using whilst pregnant and what he has seen.  

Because of his mum habit we are struggling I believe, I cannot prove that she lies however in addiction to the money we give his grandma 240 a month between us shes constantly asking to borrow money from him & saying it's for groceries, whenever it comes to his finances or he gets money she always wants to be involved and manages to tax some of it. And it's making us struggle getting our baby things in the ling run, we have to give his grandma that amount of money because she has got her mother in debt and her mother needs our money now.

I can not stand her at all, her behaviour is irrational & somewhat like a toddler in the sense she doesn't feel or care about the fact we are expecting. I'm struggling to get housing however i don't feel like I could say the citation i'm in as perhaps social services would get involved but i will not bring my child into this house I will anywhere other than here. I feel sorry for my partner as he is emotionally blackmailed i believe I also don't think that when we leave she will leave us I believe she will hassle him for money.

Am I being slightly cruel? Any advice?

Would be appreciated thanks x
7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi and welcome. This is the problem with being around other people, if its not one thing its another. I would not put to much mind to any of the details, whats important is to get out on your own. and no your not being cruel!
Blank
480448_tn?1397235344
Thank goodness you're getting your own place...you need out of that environment, and your baby certainly doesn't need to be there, around that.  Your fiancee sounds like a typical loved one of an addict, enabling, and co-dependent.  It will also be good for him to be in his own place.  You need to have a serious talk with him about him giving her money when the two of you cannot make ends meet yourselves.  I don't care if the money he was giving her WAS for groceries, if you don't have it, you shouldn't be giving it, and making your own financial situation bad.  Also, while I can understand wanting to stay home, both during your pregnancy and with the baby, if the reality is that you guys are struggling, you may need to get a job, even if it is PT.  It never makes sense to me when a couple struggles so much, yet one partner doesn't work.  Just something to think about.

I would HIGHLY recommend individual therapy for your husband, and also him going to a group like alanon or naranon, where he can learn what addiction does to the loved ones, and how he is stuck in the trap...and what to do about it.  I also would recommend some couples' therapy, where you can get some of these issues, concerns amd resentments on the table and discuss them.  Your husband is 1/2 of YOUR team and while he certainly feels obligated to help his Mom, not at the expense of your family.  The sad thing is, he isn't "helping" her at all...he's only making it possibly for her to continue to use, with no accountability.

You could look into alanon/naranon also to get some more understanding.  Like the understanding that addiction IS a disease...sure there are poor choices that go along with it, but it isn't just bad behavior.  Also, you have to understand, it's not that she probably doesn't care that the baby is coming she's ill...and she's all consumed by her addiction, that's how it works.  You kind of have fallen into the trap of all the misconceptions about addiction.

You guys can't help her get clean...but you CAN help yourselves by educating yourselves, and working on these issues that are causing problems for your new family.  That's all you can control.

Much luck to you...and congrats on the baby!
Blank
3060903_tn?1390303996
First things first, you're not being cruel. Addiction is ugly. All you can be is grateful that you have a roof right now, and deal with the realities. You should be the one controlling the $. Let his mom come to you for grocery money, and you can tell her that you'll be buying your own groceries. Get yourself and your husband to Alanon and find out what it's about. Fall back on what you learn there, and tell your mother in law, that you are handling the $ and you will not give her $ that can be spent on heroin. You will not allow your $ to buy the dose that kills her. It happens every day to heroin addicts. Keep it simple until you can move. Stay as far away from your mother in law as you can get, until you move. (I'm sure you are already). How far along in your pregnancy are you? How far down the road until you can move?
Blank
3060903_tn?1390303996
Oh yeah, try to look at your mother in laws use as a disease. Try not to get your husband defensive about your position. Try to look at your reaction to dealing with this from a loving place. You love your mother in law (because she's your husband's mother) and want the best for her. You can't live with yourself enabling her use with money, (in case it is the dose that kills her). ie. You're going to Alanon, because you want to support your mother in law in getting better and you don't want to do anything that causes her death (giving a heroin addict $$). Stay strong, "This too shall pass."  You're the strongest choice for matriarch in this family. So, be assertive and understanding, but not easily manipulated. Show your husband the way, to Alanon for a start. He will be in a group of people that all love family members that are addicted. The suggestions will come from the group as to how to best support his mother, and not from you.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thanks very much for your advice ive just seen it now, with all of it building up I said a few things to him today, I told him i don't agree with it and that he can see what she is doing & that it bothers me because I care about him that as a mother to be I know naturally i wouldnt want my child to see that life, I also asked him would he want thay for his child & he said no, he looked very sad when he had to admit and say that it is wrong, he looked very hurt and I could somehow see the internal damage.. I did tell him that regurdless of how he assures me & says it's very normal and that it's nothing, that I do not and never will agree with it. I haven't spoken to him about the money he gives her yet when I mentioned it he just said she only asks when she needs to go shopping, I do want to talk about it more as I think it would help him however it's a touchy subject I dont think he likes the conversation at all :/ thanks for all the advice i''m 6 months now and will be able to move in a months time, i don't want my baby anywhere near this depressing place.
Blank
3060903_tn?1390303996
I feel so sad for him :(  We have two chances to live as a child. One in our own childhood and one when we have a child. With your help, your husband will be able to heal a great deal by parenting his own child the way he should have been parented. He has another chance to break the cycle, regardless of what his own mother does. And that's because of you. God Bless you.

It's important that he not be used by his mother, financially. And that he realizes that he simply cannot trust her to use the $ he gives her. So I hope you're able to get him to the point of saying...What do you need at the grocery store Mom, I'll get it for you. While he lives with her, or after you all move, he needs to know enough not to give her $ for heroin, or if she does over dose, it will be on his conscience. And it happens, all too often. When you do talk to him, help him to understand you do not want him to ever have to live with the fact his $ ended up killing her.

Wow, 6 months already. That's great. Enjoy your pregnancy this next month, just as much as you can. It's a wonderful time, you'll always remember. Don't let anything affect this time, if you can help it. Can't wait to hear you're moved and safe. Best of luck with everything. I'll look in to see how you're doing. Liz
Blank
480448_tn?1397235344
Sounds like you're communicating with each other, which is good.  

"I did tell him that regurdless of how he assures me & says it's very normal and that it's nothing, that I do not and never will agree with it."

Just try to maybe soften your choice of words a bit, as this IS very painful for your hubby.  You're taking a very hard line approach, which is fine, but it may make him decide he isn't going to open up about it anymore, and it will add to his defensiveness also.  Try to add a little more compassion and empathy into the tough love as well.  He'll appreciate it.

Take care!
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Addiction: Living with an Addict Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
How to Silence Your Inner Critic an...
Apr 16 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eaters: How to Silence Yo...
Mar 26 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
1344197_tn?1392822771
Blank
Vaginal vs. Laparoscopic Hysterecto...
Feb 19 by J. Kyle Mathews, MD, DVMBlank
Top Addiction Answerers
4104707_tn?1351020595
Blank
OpenMind24hours
Detroit, MI
5840009_tn?1395493115
Blank
ROSYouralright
PHUKET, Thailand
1235186_tn?1339127464
Blank
atthebeach
on the beach, NJ
495284_tn?1333897642
Blank
dominosarah
City of Dominatrix, MN
3197167_tn?1348972206
Blank
clean_in_ks
KS
271792_tn?1334983257
Blank
IBKleen
Cumberland Plateau, TN