Please help!! I've had this friend for over 10 years. She is handicap and in a wheelchair and has been her whole life. She is 90lbs and has a 3 yr old son and her, her son and boyfriend all live with me my hubby And my two kids. She has struggled with a drug problem in the past and was snorting Oxy's and perks like crazy not knowing what to do I told her mom who is VERY protective but comes off as extremely hostile. And it was dealt with.
When she moved in with me she swore that she was clean and had been since she had her son so I believed her and took them in, but over the last few months I've noticed a few things that caused me to suspect they were using again.
I hacked her Facebook and found some messages asking dealers for perks and found text messages doing the same but when I confronted her she insisted they weren't for her. I told her she needs to just stay away from that life, and that I can't have stuff like that going on with my kids here and my being expecting my third child.
Last night I spoke with we sister which raised more concern so my boyfriend looked through her room and found a credit card and half a pen shaft with a white powdery substance on the items. I've removed the items from her room but i know I need to confront her and I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid that she is going to OD and I am not sure if I should get her mom involved again or try and handle it myself but i feel like either shes going to hate me for snooping and i will loose her that way or shes going to just leave and continue to use please any advice would be helpful :(
I can understan your concern about her getting angry about you snooping. You can't predict the future but yes it is likely that it would set her off. it sure would have me when I was using. Yeah the fact that you removed those things from her room has put you in a situation where you must talk to her, but it was the right decision and no matter what happens don't regret that.
You can tell her that if she wants to quit this thing she is likely going to have to go in a treatment program, inpatient most likely. You can tell that you love her and you will support her if she goes to treatment but you can't allow this in your house. No matter what you can't support her if she is not willing to try a little to find her recovery. I know it is a hard thing to do but since I have been out of treatment I have had to tell alot of people I know that if they don't seek help soon we are not going to be able to talk anymore. You could drive yourself crazy by letting her addiction consume you too. I am trying to look into them putting a codependency forum on her but until they do I would suggest looking into it and at least see if she is willing to go to al anon or AA or NA meetings.
Good Luck and come back anytime to let us know how it goes. You will find alot of support on here. Take everything with a grain of salt....nobody is mad at you.
There are so many things I want to say so bear with me if I seem all over the place.
You are a good friend and it was kind of generous of you to take her and her family in. That being said, she is now putting you and your family in harm's way and that has to end right away. You are going to have to use tough love in this instance and trust that SHE has a choice and if she makes the wrong one that it has nothing at tall to do with you.
If you decide to let them stay then there needs to be ground rules. The very least of which is no drugs in your home. If they don't comply then they need to go elsewhere. It is just as simple as that. the longer you allow this to continue, the more you are enabling them to use drugs. It is decision time. Addicts do not like ultimatums but under these circumstances that may be what you need to do.
Being a recovering addict myself and living with a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that she will lie about anything and everything. She thinks she is slick but you are on to her now. She may also begin stealing from you. Addiction is a progressive disease and if she is already snorting them then she is well into her addiction. If she needs the drugs and doesn't have the money, she WILL steal.
Again hun, I have to stress that this is about you and your family. You need to worry about yourselves right now. Approach her in a calm manner--don't raise your voice---don't cry. Have it all planned out what you will say and say it without letting her interrupt. Tell her that if she doesn't comply she will need to find new housing.
One of several things will happen. She will break down and cry and ask for forgiveness and continue using and trying to hide it from you. Or she will get angry and stomp out and if that happens then all you can do is pray. Or, and I hope this one does happen, she will break down and ask for help. She first has to admit that she has a problem and ask for help. I pray that she does that and if she does come back and ask us how you can help her. There is great support here and many members can guide you.
I wish you the best. Please let us know how it turns out. Good luck and I wish prayer for you all.
She still denies everything. The conversation stayed calm and I unfortunately did cry at one point but considering I am about 5 months pregnant I knew going in that would probably happen. She insists the things that we found were old and unused for a long time and she has no where to go if I kicked her out. I told her I can't continue to take her word for it and that if she is staying she needs to understand that things need to change because I don't believe her and I live her to much to watch her die and bury her. I hope in doing the right thing
All you can do is plant the said, and you have now. It is her choice to water it and start to take steps toward recovery. The big book (AA Book) has the best program of anything I have ever seen so far. I'm sure that you have heard of the book. But AA meetings and doing the steps would be very beneficail for her. You can also attend with her, at most AA meetings as a supporter. Of course it customary to bring up inpatient care or intensive outpatient. For me it was neccary
You need to be firm honey. As addicts in active addiction we are compulsive liars. You know in your heart that things aren't right. Please do what is right for you and your family. there should be no guilt here. Let us know how you are doing. Someone will always be here for you. I don't come to this forum much but you can send me a note and remind me. I will answer. My prayers are with you and your family.
That is part of the viscious cycle. Confronting someone about their addiction is a fragile thing and there isn't a default way of doing it but from what I read you did the best thing that anyone could have done. There are still sympoms of our personality hidden amongst the addiction. It is kind of like someone with alzheimer's. You can see it is the same person and some days when they become lucid you may even assume that they are the same person. However in this cycle of addiction you are not going to be able to reach into her emotions and pull her back. It is like pulling somebody out of Hell. We forget what it felt like to be without regret and pain. I wish I knew what it took to get someone to recovery. I would do it everyday if I could. It is hard and heart breaking. I spent about 6 hours talking to my friend last night. Reading old journal poets from last year when I went to recovery and this year when I went to recovery. The longer I talke the more I got to see my friend trying to climb back out of hell but if it got silent for a while he would say "man, i really wish I had a couple pills."
Anyway do your work then step back. Don't let yourself get caught up in her cycle and pray for her recovery.... that is literally the amount of control you have over this.
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