I've been married for 28 years and my husband has binged on alcohol for most of them. I have been on the point of leaving in the past when my son was a child but stayed as my husband has times when he has tried hard to quit and things have not been too bad. I have also attended many Alanon meetings in the past which have been very helpful in my understanding of the condition and my reactions.
He is bingeing at least a couple of times a week at the moment and often is angry and abusive to me, trying to find fault and saying horrible things to hurt me. I have got to a point at the moment when I feel like I cannot stand much more and have become irritable and snappy, and feel tearful quite often which is worrying for my own health. However, although I feel I would like to separate, he is now 65 (I am 59) and I worry about him living on his own and what he may do, it seems heartless to leave him on his own as he gets older. He also says how much he loves me and does not want to split up, and there is a good guy underneath all this.
Any help or advice would be great.
Yes I've asked him to quit over the years and sometimes he manages for a little while. Like yours, he has no memory of the abuse (or where he's been) and usually he starts drinking around lunchtime and gets home sometime during the evening, sometimes this goes on for a couple of days . He is always very remorseful but of course feeling bad about himself only carries on the cycle of drinking.
I've been coping well for a while and leading my own life mostly, but it is getting to me at the moment as when he is nasty I really don't want to be with him at all and just want to be left in peace. When he is sober he can be so reasonable but I feel I have withdrawn a lot from him now and although I feel compassion I would rather be on my own. I think if I leave him, he will drink himself to death as that almost seems to be what he wants.
Nothing changes....until some THING or some ONE changes. My hubby and I have been separated two diff times in our many yrs of marriage. When we were separated the last time many yrs back, I went to Al-anon mtgs about 5 days a week, worked on ME and my spiritual condition, admitted I was powerless over my husband and could "do" NOTHING to change him....set some new boundaries and LOTS changed!....We took no legal action.....just lived apart so we could work on ourselves. By separating, we BOTH changed......and amazing things came out of that time in our lives. You cannot "save" your hubby OR give him the DESIRE to stop drinking. As long as you stay on the merry-go-round.....you will keep going round and round. You have to decide to "get off" for YOU and then act on it and follow thru.
Get some support for yourself from others affected by alcoholism, give your hubby to your higher power and know that your hubby is not going to even want a different way to live or consider sobriety as long as "this current way" is still working for him. It' a cunning, baffling and powerful disease....and ruins many lives. Hope you'll make some new choices that will bring you some peace.
Wishing you strength~
Thank you everyone for taking time to reply, your comments have been very helpful. I realised I had posted this in the wrong community so posted the same thing in the Alcoholism community - just thought I'd mention it in case anyone had seen it there too!
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